Reality Discipline

I love what I learned more than twenty years ago in Kevin Leman’s book, “Make Children Mind Without Losing Yours.”* In that book, Leman describes reality discipline.

Reality discipline says that the consequences of a child’s behavior should match the behavior. We should strive to make the consequences of our children’s childishness to be as natural as those that an adult might encounter when he or she commits a similar infraction. I was a young mother, just over twenty, with only one child at the time that I read Kevin Leman’s book. I remember thinking that reality discipline made so much sense. In part, I think I saw it as so appropriate because I was still an irresponsible kid myself in many ways! Regardless of why it made sense to me, it did, and Ray and I pored over that book until we understood the concepts Mr. Leman presented. We began implementing it immediately, as much as we could. (However, the majority of infractions committed by a three-year-old are disobedience and require punishment.)

At the time I first read “Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours,” I also happened to be reading the book of Judges in the Bible. I remember reading portions of Kevin Leman’s book about a consequence matching the infraction about the same time I read about what to do if you accidentally kill your neighbor’s ox: replace it. I remember meeting Ray at the door at the end of the work day, excitedly telling him that reality discipline is biblical! Then I continued in Judges, and time after time, God’s prescription for various infractions was reality discipline. If you do this, the natural consequence will be this. If this occurs, this will happen. Not only did reality discipline make sense to me, but it also seemed to be the way God treated us much of the time. For example, when we forget to deposit checks into our checking account, we get charged for being overdrawn (and incredibly embarrassed). When we don’t clean out our junk drawer, it gets full, the drawer won’t shut completely, we can’t find anything, and it takes longer to clean out later when we finally get around to cleaning it. These are natural consequences.

For children, reality discipline means allowing natural consequences to have their effect or setting up consequences that are appropriate for the infraction. For our youngest, who looks at books instead of unloading the dishes after his morning routine, he might not get his computer time (his free time; he already took part of it), or he might not get to choose two stories during story time (he already looked at his books). For our older child who kept forgetting to kennel the dog three times in a row, he, perhaps, needs more kenneling practice. Maybe he should have dog responsibility for an entire week instead of two days a week.

Of course, there are instances in which grace is extended. Just like the bank occasionally calls to tell us that we are overdrawn and asks us if we would like for them to move money out of the newspaper-delivery-business account into the family account, we extend grace to our irresponsible children. Just like when my husband surprises me by cleaning out the junk drawer while I’m at a meeting, thereby thwarting the natural consequences I would have endured, so I extend grace to my childish little ones. But too much grace for my irresponsibility, and I become lax and more irresponsible. Too much grace for my seven-year-old’s disregard for the dishwashing schedule, and he becomes more childish rather than less childish. Sounds like the Lord’s prescription for working with us–a balance of grace and justice–grace because He loves us and justice because He loves us too much to let us remain as we are. As parents, it is our job to help our children transition from childhood to adulthood, from childishness to responsibility. We do this by making them responsible for their behavior. We do this by giving them consequences for inappropriate irresponsibility.

Notice I say inappropriate irresponsibility. I always try to remember that I sometimes forget to kennel the dog when the boys are at the disability ministry and it’s my responsibility. I try to remember that I sometimes do not run the dishwasher before I go to bed if the boys are gone. I try to remember that there have been times when I have had a stack of checks in my purse to deposit for days, only to discover that I forgot to deposit them, and my checking account was overdrawn. I try to remember that I sometimes let my “junk drawer” accumulate until the drawer can hardly open–and it breaks.

And no, none of this is easy! We had one child who, for nearly a year (between the ages of one and three), had unbearable high chair behavior (among a myriad of other willful behaviors)-so much so that each night we had a designated “runner,” someone who had to cart the little tyke upstairs to his crib when he screamed or threw his food. Every night it was a different person, so that at least some of us could enjoy the meal and interact with each other. This went on nearly every dinner for a long, long time. It was terrible. The older kids still tease the little guy about when they had to be the runner for him! However, they will not forget the endurance and determination it took to turn this behavior around–and hopefully, it will give them the motivation to persevere during difficult parenting issues themselves someday. If Ray had not been so determined, firm, and practical, I would have given up long before the results came about. I probably would have given him whatever he wanted to eat every night, just to keep peace. (And not have an eleven year old that I enjoy immensely today—well, I would still have an eleven year old, but I wouldn’t be enjoying him immensely. Something was dangling there!)

Raising children is a fine balance of punishment, consequences, discipling, affirmation, encouragement, and praise. It is the world’s most important job–and that is not just a trite phrase for a parenting book; it truly is. We have the opportunity to help shape future adults by our faithfulness (or lack of faithfulness) to biblical child training.

Sorry for the length! I decided not to break this material up any more, but to keep it intact here so that we can get back to preschoolers specifically tomorrow—and back to my darling Jonathan.

•  https://www.amazon.com/Making-Children-Without-Losing-Yours/dp/0800757319#noop