by Donna | Mar 12, 2010
Recipe for Rebellion
Rules Without Reasons
Rules Without Response
Rules Without Repetition
Rules Without Relationship
INGREDIENT #3: RULES WITHOUT REPETITION
The third ingredient in the Recipe for Rebellion is Rules Without Repetition. This ingredient deals with inconsistency in applying rules. (It would more aptly be called Rules Without Consistency, but then it wouldn’t fit as well into our Recipe!)
This ingredient points to the times our children comment, “Last time you let me.” It means that when a rule is a rule, it remains the rule (unless it is truly, permanently changed, and then the change is enforced on a consistent basis—not a different rule or take on a rule each time).
This ingredient harms our relationship with our children for many reasons:
1. Inconsistency Hinders Many Areas Inconsistency will hinder a Christian in every area of his life.
Our testimonies, relationships, interactions with others, decisions, morals–everything in our lives–must have some semblance of consistency in order to be accepted by others. A young lady recently told one of my daughters that her parents are so inconsistent that she simply doesn’t know what they want. One minute, she is allowed to date. Then when she begins dating someone they do not like, she is not permitted to go anywhere in a car with a boy.
Inconsistency in rules will “provoke our children to wrath” almost quicker than anything else. The guidelines we have for our family’s lifestyle must have consistency in order for children to follow them. Our schedules need consistency, or our children will never heed them–since they will change on a whim anyway.
Our interactions with other believers must be built on consistency, too. People are watching us all the time. They judge the Christian faith by our lifestyle and consistency in living for God.
2. Inconsistency Creates a Poor Testimony
Everyday we Christians hear people comment that they would never go to church because of the hypocrites. This is a long time problem that will likely never be solved since there will always be hypocrites—and non-believers looking for hypocrites– in the church. Our inconsistent Christian living creates a poor testimony.
With our children, it is even worse. Our inconsistency in parenting causes confusion, anger, and bitterness. Just like the girl told my daughter: “One day it is this rule, and the next day it is something different.”
Our children will not respect our rules if they are not consistently followed–or if the reason for a rule is not consistent in developing other rules (i.e. “one day I can date, the next day I can’t be in a boy’s car even with others there”).
It should be noted here that we do not believe that consistency in making and following rules means that you cannot change rules. You may decide to change a rule: through God revealing something to you; through a friend pointing out a blind spot; through discussion with your spouse; or even through the appeal process. Consistency does not mean that you never change anything. However, when a rule is changed, your children need to know it is so, and you need to be sure to be consistent in applying the “new” rule.
Three ingredients down and one more to go. We have found that when we diligently avoid the ingredients in the Recipe for Rebellion in our interactions with our teens, we have peace, joy, relationship, and harmony. When we “mix” in these ingredients, we have just what we set out to “cook up” (consciously or not)—rebellion, or at the very least, disagreement, with our rules and lifestyle expectations of them.
by Donna | Mar 10, 2010
Recipe for Rebellion
Rules Without Reasons
Rules Without Response
Rules Without Repetition
Rules Without Relationship
INGREDIENT #2: RULES WITHOUT RESPONSES
The second ingredient in the Recipe for Rebellion is that of rules without responses–developing rules without allowing our children to question those rules—without allowing them to respond to our instruction. This is a common ingredient in rules-oriented families. We often do not listen to our children if they disagree with something or question something. Even those who are not opposed to telling children the why’s of rules (Ingredient #1) are sometimes not comfortable with letting children ask us about our rules.
The problems with Ingredient # 1: Rules Without Reasons are also found in Ingredient #2: Rules Without Response (plus one other “biggie”):
1. “No-Response-Allowed” Is Aggravating!
There are many problems with this ingredient, of course, not the least of which involves the verse in the Bible that tells fathers not to aggravate their children: “Fathers, don’t aggravate your children, if you do they will become discouraged and quit trying” Colossians 3:21 (NLT). It is aggravating not to be listened to! Think about how annoying it is for you with work or relatives when you are not allowed to voice your opinion. Your children feel the same way–only perhaps even more helpless because they are, well, children.
2. “No-Response-Allowed” Handicaps Our Children in Their Future Decision Making
Additionally, not allowing our children to respond to our rules and choices for them causes them to be unable to make decisions for themselves later in life. They need to know the process a Christian goes through to determine how to live and act. If we consistently tell them that this is the way it is, and they just need to buck up and do it, they will not learn how to make wise decisions for themselves and their own families some day.
3. “No-Response-Allowed” Is Not How God Treats Us!
If we truly want to follow a Christian protocol in parenting, we will want to try to parent our children like God parents us. God listens to us! Think of how painfully honest David was in the Psalms—“God, why are you doing this to me! Why don’t you listen to me? Why do you let my enemies overtake me? Oh, I want to follow your way, but it is so hard. Okay, God, I will trust in you, not in chariots and horses.” God allows us to respond to what he is doing in our lives!
Or how about Abraham: Will you destroy the city if there are some godly people still there? He not only responded to God’s edict, but he gave God suggestions on how to change it. And God listened!
4. “No-Response-Allowed” Causes Our Children to Argue With Us
Besides the three above difficulties with Ingredient #1 and Ingredient #2, “No-Response-Allowed” has the added problem of arguments and fighting that result when children try to discuss rules with us and we do not listen. This is where a communication technique that we have used with our children comes in handy: the godly appeal.
Most parents, when presented with the concept of letting their children respond to them, are not altogether wrong in their opposition. Their children might already be responding–and Mom and Dad do not like it!
Parents usually do not like it because they have not allowed (or taught) proper responses from their children early on, so their sons and daughters have resorted to arguing, bickering, and begging. That is not the type of response we are recommending in this appeal advice.
If you want to begin eliminating this “No-Response-Allowed” ingredient from your rule-making and standard-implementing, we recommend that you utilize the godly appeal process.*
In a nutshell, it is based on models in Scripture in which godly appeals were made and recognized. This approach still works in our families today—and we have utilized it in our home for fifteen years with more success than failure!
*The antidote for “No-Response-Allowed” ingredient will be introduced more fully in tomorrow’s post—How to Implement the Godly Appeal. Please join us—and invite your friends!
by Donna | Feb 7, 2010
Now that I have ranted about the perils of too much television—less reading, fewer homework assignments completed, diminished relationships, shortened attention spans, less intimacy (!), and more—I am ready to suggest that you enjoy watching things together! When you have “purposeful viewing,” times in which family members sit down and watch something because it was planned and intentional, as opposed to having the television on day and night, families can have great fun together.
Different family members here enjoy different types of movies. Ray, believe it or not, is a romantic comedy guy. I enjoy romantic comedies, but also love action and mystery movies. The guys like some sci-fi and classics. Three of our kids love many genres of movies—and sound like attendees of a Roger Ebert convention for weeks after going to a new release.
However, one thing that we all agree on is that there are some outstanding “oldie goldie” non-animated Disney movies. Specifically, we have a list of our family’s favorite ten that I would like to share with you. Whether you are the G-rated only kind of family, a crew of two year olds to twenty year olds, or a conoisseur of fine films, I think you, too, would enjoy the movies in this list.
So…pull the television out of the closet or uncover it in the corner of the living room (!), and enjoy our Top Ten Non-Animated Disney Oldie Goldies!
1. No Deposit, No Return (1976)—Two children at boarding school ransom themselves to safe crackers (one of whom is Don Knotts) to try to get the attention of their wealthy grandfather. Funny, clean, clever, and, what can I say, Don Knotts.
2. Pollyanna (1960)—Who doesn’t love Pollyanna? This original version is the one we love the most, with Hayley Mills, Jane Wyman, Karl Malden, and Richard Egan. It is so heartwarming—and extremely quoteable!
3. That Darn Cat (1965)—A story about bank robbers, a kidnapping, and a mischievous cat, starring Hayley Mills (from Pollyanna, a few years older now) and Dean Jones. The new one in the nineties just didn’t come close to this one!
4. The Parent Trap (1961)—Hayley Mills again, joined by “Uncle Bill” from Family Affair (Brian Keith). This is such a sweet movie (though we actually did love the remake of this several years ago)—and, of course, is where we all get the phrase “Let’s get together, yeah, yeah, yeah!”
5. The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes (1969)—The first film in a trilogy of movies about Medfield College, this one stars Kurt Russell as a college student who becomes a “human computer” and saves the college from ruin (and from a bad guy who, of course, wants to build something else on the college grounds. It’s very late-sixties-ish, but it’s still great fun.
6. Now You See Him, Now You Don’t (1962)—The second of the Medford College series, again starring Kurt Russell as Dexter Reilly and Cesar Romero as the “bad guy.” This time, instead of becoming a computer, Russell becomes invisible through a science experiment with chemicals that went awry.
7. Swiss Family Robinson (1960)—No other version or spin-off of this that I have seen has come close to this one! When Francis gets his tiger, you just want to jump up and down and cheer!
8. Toby Tyler (1960)—This has the same little boy who played Francis in the aforementioned Swiss Family. He is a cutie! Here, a little boy joins the circus because he thinks his aunt and uncle do not want him. He gets into lots of mischief, gets tricked, learns some new skills, and more. We also enjoyed reading this book aloud a few years ago.
9. Gone Are the Dayes (1984)—This wacky comedy-melodrama was created for a Disney Channel original movie, but we thought it was great fun, nonetheless. (We tend to not enjoy made-for-tv type movies too much, but this didn’t have that feel to it.) While dining out at a Japanese restaurant, the Daye family witnesses a gangland slaying. Federal agent Mitchell persuades the Daye parents to serve as witnesses in the upcoming trial of the gang boss who ordered the hit. Mitchell then puts everyone in protective custody, a decision he comes to regret when he’s forced to baby-sit the Dayes’ unruly teenaged kids.
10. Davy Crockett (1955)—This was one of my guys’ favorites when they were little, starring Fess Parker and Buddy Ebsen. They can still sing a lot of the song—and every once in a while, we pull out the vcr and re-watch it. (Not sure if it’s available on dvd or not.)
Pop some corn. Slice some apples. Cut up some cheese. Have a family fun movie night!
by Donna | Jan 8, 2010
“To fully appreciate ‘the ordinary’ is an extraordinary gift.”
from Simplicity Parenting
Not long ago, we had one of those “ordinary” evenings–dinner, discussions, a few chores together, Mom working on the computer (in the dining room) on documents, Dad and the three boys playing Simply Catan, then Dad and the sixteen year old sitting at the dining room table working on order sheets for our business with the two “littles” playing Legoes at the same table.
All of a sudden, our fourteen year old blurted out, “I wouldn’t trade tonight for anything.” What did that mean? It was, so, well, ordinary. We even worked some. He went on to say, “I mean it. This is the greatest family in the world. I love this…tonight..everything about it. Just being together and doing regular ‘stuff.'”
We didn’t watch a movie, play a video game, go out of the house, shop, do things with friends, or play on electronics. (Not that we are opposed to those things, but thankfully, it doesn’t take those things to bring joy to a home.)
Three or four evenings. That’s our rule of thumb for the number of evenings that all of the school aged kids and Mom and Dad are home together. Sometimes, during holidays or speaking weeks, that goal is not realized. But, more often than not, we have what we fondly call “ordinary evenings.”
Now, of course, research and entire books are dedicated to the dangers of rushing children through childhood and pursuing too many activities for them (including the above-quoted book)–so maybe we’re on to something here. Regardless, it is that “ordinariness” that causes our children to “not want to trade today for anything in the world.”
Tips for More Evenings Together:
1. Slow down Mom and Dad’s schedule, so that you can model and lead the way in creating more “ordinary nights.”
2. Reduce your children’s activities. We have almost always adopted the “one activity per child per semester” benchmark. (Check it out–this is now Kevin Leman’s advice in Home Court Advantage, too!)
3. Try to focus on family dinners more. Even if you just start planning and having two or three sit down meals together as a family, you will likely gain more time together than most have.
4. Have a television-less night or two. At first, you might all sit and stare at each other–but eventually, the time that was spent with media will be filled with conversations, games, and just generally “being”–something many of us are lacking.
5. If you now have no predictable nights at home together, declare one night a week as a family night. Each week schedule this (according to kids’ activities and calendars on a week-by-week basis) and make it a priority. Have everyone put it on their calendar and stick to your guns that you will spend that evening together. (More on family nights later!)
by Donna | Jan 7, 2010
It was realized that this blog’s URL contained a typo that prevented people from easily reaching it. This has been corrected. If you bookmarked or followed this blog with your RSS feeder, you will need to bookmark or follow again, as the URL is now different. Sorry about the inconvenience.
-PP 365’s Blog Designer
by Donna | Jan 2, 2010
Every parent I know has a list (either literally or mentally) of things that he or she would like to see changed in their children. We want our children to be more obedient, kinder, more responsible, more helpful, etc. While having goals for our children’s character training is a good thing, we often overlook the fact that many of the things that we want to see changed in our children are things that we, the parents, should change in our own lives first.
The first day of a new year is a good time to examine ourselves—to see if we as parents have expectations of our children that we are not willing to change within us. A good time to focus on our own character, morals, and relationship skills—knowing that as we change ourselves, we are more able to help our children develop into the kinds of people God intends for them to be.
This first day of this year is a good day to start this blog with a poem that I wrote twelve years ago that summarizes this—the year that I learned that “my children learn what they live” and that “it all starts with me.”
I Looked Into the Eyes of My Children
I looked into the eyes of my children, surprised by what I did see,
For I thought I’d see the face of Jesus, staring back at me.
But then when I observed their hearts, what I saw was a big surprise.
For instead, I saw me—their mother—reflected in their eyes.
All that I wish I wasn’t, all that I’d like to change,
Was reflected right there in their eyes, in many different ways.
All the things I wanted them to change, all the things I disliked the most,
Were merely reflections of me—things I should have already known.
I cried to the Lord, “Forgive me, for pressuring them, you see,
To be things that I am not willing—or even able—to be.”
When I heard an older one say, in a very selfish tone, “
I’ll give you my best toy, if you’ll only leave me alone.”
I saw manipulation take place and knew where it was learned,
For I, too, can be the very same way, the conniving way I spurned.
When I saw one of them want the best, I thought, “What a selfish child,”
Then saw myself being selfish in just a very short while.
When I heard one of them talk angrily,
I couldn’t believe my ears,
Until a few minutes later, my own angry voice did I hear.
I saw one of them putting frivolities before the things of the Lord,
And then saw me with my magazines, instead of God’s holy Word.
Day after day, God showed me, my children learn what they live,
And before I can help them to change, I must be willing to give—
Yes, give up the things that hold me from being what God wants me to be—
And willing to be an example—of Jesus—for my children to see.
Now when I see poor character reflected in my children’s eyes,
I look into the mirror, for it’s no longer such a surprise.
Instead of asking them to change, I ask God to work in me,
Day by day, changes in them take place—and Christ I am able to see.
Copyright 1998
