by Donna | Oct 2, 2010
Child-Controlled Homes Everywhere
Nowadays, children controlling their parents seems to be a natural occurrence. It is joked about on talk shows, from church pulpits, in beauty parlors, and at doctors’ offices. Nobody seems to know what to do about the fact that children, not parents, often call the shots.
Recently I was in a mall during the daytime when I overheard two young mothers talking to each other and their preschool children. One of the mothers told the children to come along because they were going to get a snack. The second mother questioned her, wondering if they were having lunch or a snack because they had planned on eating lunch. The first mother responded in a whisper with, “Oh, yeah, we’re having lunch. I just tell my kids we’re having a snack because if they think we are having a meal, they won’t come to eat.”
As I was thinking to myself about today’s state of parenting in the secular world, I overheard a similar exchange soon after between a Christian mom who writes a marriage and parenting column for a Christian publication and her friend. In line at McDonald’s, this gal asked her friend what her six and seven year old children were getting in their Happy Meals. She continued, “I have to be sure to get my kids exactly what your kids have in their Happy Meals or everything will break loose.”
Why do parents (and especially Christian parents) walk on egg shells with their children? Why are they afraid to “cross” them? Why are they weak and unable to set the rules and guidelines for their family?
The World’s Parenting Philosophy vs. The Bible’s Parenting Philosophy
The world, via the media, secular parenting specialists, fellow parents, and others, tells us that we cannot have proper control of our children. It paints a bleak picture about parenting children: try to stay firm on the battles you know you can win, and let the others go. (And the battles that the “experts” say you can win are few and far between.) Do we have to go through our children’s growing up years wishing they would behave like we tell them to? Do we have to beg, cajole, or bargain with our children to get them to sit down at the table or be content with what they have? Can we ever really enjoy our children, or does every command from us have to result in a battle?
Tomorrow: what does the Bible say about disciplining children—and who should run the family?
*For the next few days, I will be using excerpts from our book, “The Well-Trained Heart,” to lay the foundation for parenting/disciplining young children. You may order WTH at www.tfths.com or by calling 260-597-7415.
by Donna | Oct 1, 2010
All the decisions that you make (or do not make, which is really making a decision, nonetheless) in the early years of parenting have a huge impact on your child discipline approach—and eventually on the behavior of your kids. Whether you begin your parenting with the parents as the, well, parents—or whether you begin your parenting allowing small children to call the shots—dictates the tone of your home, the obedience and contentment of your children, and even what kind of teens you will have in years to come. We call this early decision that of choosing either the “child-controlled home” or the “parent-controlled home.”
In the original movie, “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,” an extremely naughty girl finds herself in a lot of trouble because, quite frankly, she is spoiled rotten. She asks for everything, and if she does not get what she wants when she wants it, she throws a ten-year-old tantrum. Her indulgent father continuously gives in to her demands, even to the point of trying to convince Mr. Wonka to sell him one of his Oompa Loompas, the pint-sized candy makers from Loompa Land, for his dear Veruca as she cries out, “I want an Oompa Loompa now, Daddy!”
Having a child-controlled home does not sound that terrible in itself. After all, if we have children, shouldn’t we center our homes and lives around them? Believe me, I am all for sacrificing and centering my world around my children during the child-rearing days—taking the time and energy that is needed to raise them properly for the Lord. However, taking our responsibility to raise our children properly, focusing several years of our lives on their upbringing is significantly different than having a child controlled home in which the children, not the parents, dictate things.
In the child-controlled home, where and what the family will eat, what is watched on television or at the movies, what a child will wear, and all the plethora of decisions that are made each week in a family’s life are made by a child—or children. Oh, it isn’t that the children are the authorities. It is just that because the atmosphere of the home is so influenced by the children’s responses to every decision, those decisions are made in such a way to keep the children happy—to keep them from throwing fits, complaining, whining, rolling their eyes, sighing, pouting, yelling, and arguing.
At times it can seem so insignificant that a parent hardly notices that a child is running things. Jenny likes this. And Jenny wants that. And Jenny likes it when we do this. And Jenny has to have that. And the next thing you know, the home is controlled, in large part, by “Jenny.” Suddenly, the parent (especially the mother) is afraid to make any decision that she knows Jenny will not like. And that family has a “Jenny-controlled home.”
Continued tomorrow…
*For the next few days, I will be using excerpts from our book, “The Well-Trained Heart,” to lay the foundation for parenting/disciplining young children. You may order WTH at www.tfths.com or by calling 260-597-7415.
by Donna | Sep 29, 2010
I have the most amazing husband ever! I adore him! He is one of the most involved, truly-training fathers I know. He spends all of his non-work (at his plant and on Training for Triumph) hours on the kids and on me—and he has for our entire twenty-seven years of parenting. However, he does one thing that drives me nuts: he tells me the truth about the kids’ behavior!
His mantra has always been (and this is the really nutsy part!): “We are getting the behavior that we want ‘coz if we didn’t want it, we would stop it.” Aghh….. I come to him complaining about a child’s behavior, expecting sympathy and commiserating, and he reminds me, once again, that this behavior must be the behavior that we desire. If it isn’t what we want, we would surely not let it continue; we would surely do something to put a stop to it.
This truth, and I do have to admit that it is a truth, of parenting, is a little twist on the “if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.” And just like that saying, it is too accurate.
Now, Ray is an incredible husband and father, so, thankfully, he doesn’t just spout off his catch phrase and leave me hanging. This twenty-seven year old saying has almost always led to resolution. You see, if it is true—and we admit to each other that we are not really doing anything to stop the behavior in question—then it follows that if we want to stop it, we need to come up with a plan of action to change the behavior.
This blog is a positive blog! And I want to stay positive. However, the teacher in me feels compelled to “teach” what we have found to help us “get the behavior we want.” If you have small children—toddlers and preschoolers, especially—you may want to join us over the next few days.
Our children were never (and still are not) perfect. However, we were blessed with outstanding teaching early in our parenting to help us train our toddlers and preschoolers to have good behavior—to not scream or throw fits, to obey when a command is given, to come when they are called, to be content and not surly, to be kind to others (even siblings!), to follow routines they are taught (going to bed, sitting at the table, being quiet in church etc), and much more.
Your little ones can be joys to you. You can get up in the morning knowing that you can have a good day and enjoy your kids—because they want to obey you. I promise that this can happen! Not perfection—just daily contentment and obedience more often than not. After all, we get whatever behavior we want.
by Donna | Sep 25, 2010
Today we have a guest author writing for PP 365. Take a look at her byline and visit her site, especially if you have kids preparing for college!
Smart Snacking for Children
According to the American Medical Association, more than 23 million children and teenagers nationwide are overweight or obese. Maybe that’s why congress dubbed September as National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month. Health experts say efforts to prevent obesity must start early before unhealthy habits are formed. So while your children are in class feeding their minds with knowledge, it’s up to you to feed their stomachs with nutritional goodies when they come home. Here are a couple of Do’s and Don’t’s when planning your child’s next healthy snack and a few fun recipes to try.
Do:
-Avoid anything sugary like cookies and candy.
-Stay away from junk food like greasy chips
-Avoid soft drinks.
Don’t:
-Make portions too big, this is a ‘snack’—a little something to curve your child’s appetite. It’s not intended to replace a meal.
-Buy store-bought snacks that are partially hydrogenated or high in trans fats
-Don’t be fooled by juices. Just because it says contains fruit, make sure that it’s 100 percent and be cautious of sugar content.
Recipes
Peanut butter and fruit spread sandwich. This twist on the traditional PB&J is just as high in protein as the original sandwich, but is a healthier alternative. Your child won’t even notice the jelly/fruit spread difference.
Ingredients: 100% whole grain bread, one tablespoon of strawberry spread (without sugar, just fruit and juice), one tablespoon of reduced-fat peanut butter.
Assemble sandwich accordingly. Cut up into fun shapes using cookie cutters to make the sandwich look more appealing.
Nutritional value: 193 calories, 25 g carbohydrates, 6 g fat, 220 mg sodium, .7 g protein, 3 g fiber,
Fruit Kabobs. These colorful treats are both interesting to look at and fun to eat. Chop up the ingredients beforehand so your child and can make the kabobs his or her self. The more active they are in creating their own snacks, the better.
Ingredients: 1 apple, 1 banana, red seedless grapes or green seedless grapes, cup pineapple chunks, and abob skewers.
Place chopped up fruit in varying order on the skewer. Serve immediately or chill for later.
Nutritional value (one serving): 141 calories, 3 g fat, 28 g carbohydrate, 3 g fat, 1 mg cholesterol, 52 mg sodium, 2 g saturated fat, 103 mg calcium, 0.5 mg iron, 3 g fiber
Fruit Smoothie.
Fruit smoothes are both delicious and nutritious, no matter what fruit you choose to use. Smoothies in generally tend to be somewhat thick, but stay clear of ice cream as a thickening agent. Plain ice and frozen fruits are a better alternative. You can also use low-fat yogurt (which is a great source of calcium and amino acids).
Place fruit of choice with thickening agent in blender. Blend for 30 seconds. Serve chilled with a crazy straw for some pizzazz.
Nutritional varies depending on fruit choice and thickening agent but usually falls along these lines (one cup): 130 calories, .29 g fat, 33.52 g carbohydrate, .88g protein
Additional good-choices: Fruit pops, hummus dip, cheese sandwiches and granola.
This guest post is contributed by Alisa Gilbert, who writes on the topics of bachelors degree. She welcomes your comments at her email Id: alisagilbert599@gmail.com
This guest post is contributed by Alisa Gilbert, who writes for bachelors degree. https://www.bachelorsdegree.org/
by Donna | Sep 23, 2010
Yesterday I talked about not threatening to leave your child at my remote office (McDonald’s)—and an excellent piece of advice we received from our early mentors: Say only what you mean. Think back over the past few days. How many times did you give a command to your little one that you didn’t really care whether he obeyed or not? How many times did you tell him to do something that you did not follow through on?
These are things like when you are waiting in line at the grocery and he wanders a few feet away from you to look at the candy, and you say, “Come right back here and stand next to me.” Why? I mean, do you mean that? Does it matter if he is two feet from you looking at the candy (assuming he has learned not to take any or touch things that are not his)? If you don’t care if he is two feet from you and you are not going to make him do it anyway, why say it?
Or how about the old, “If you do that one more time, we are going to go home” or “…we are not going to Grandma’s,” or “…you are going to bed”? Do we mean that? Will we really take Johnny home if he stands up in the booth one more time? Then don’t say it!
There are so many commands that we give our kids that we simply do not mean. They either aren’t that important to us or we do not have the backbone to follow through on them if they are not obeyed. In these instances, we would be better off not saying anything at all.
When we give these empty commands, we are really training our kids to disregard our instruction. We are essentially training them to disobey.
In the past month or so, here are some classics I have heard at “my office”:
–“If you scream one more time, we are leaving.” (Followed by scream after scream, of course!)
–“If you don’t come right now, we’re not going to Grandma’s.”
–“If you don’t come right now, we’re not going to the park—but we’re going home to take naps instead.”
–“Don’t climb on that display.” “Get off of that display.” “Don’t stand on that display.” “Don’t climb on that display.” (over and over and over and over….)
–“Come here right now” (followed by a cat and mouse chase that had to be absolutely humiliating to that dad doing the chasing…)
Two tips for implementing this “say what you mean” parenting strategy:
(1) Do not give commands that really don’t matter. I mean, honestly, does your child HAVE to stand with his arms down at his side? We have a tendency to focus on outward behaviors—some of which have no bearing on our child’s important behavior or heart training. When we do this, we teach our child that all behaviors are equal. That standing just so is as important as not talking back or running from us when we call.
(2) Do not give commands of which you are not willing or able to follow through. When you tell your child to do something, be sure you mean it. Be sure it is important enough to warrant a command—and important enough to be sure it is followed.
More child training tips to follow—thanks for joining us at Positive Parenting 365!
by Donna | Sep 21, 2010
As a mother of seven kids who has written over thirty thousand pages of curriculum and more in the past ten years, I find it difficult to get a whole lot done in our little fourteen hundred square foot house (that doubles as a small press publishing company and a family ministry to Christian parents/homeschoolers). Thus, two or three afternoons a week, I can be found writing away at my “remote” office known as McDonald’s.
Our McDonald’s was re-built a few years ago, and it is such a great place to write and edit—huge booths to spread out my work, unlimited drinks, and limited distractions. (Yes, it can be a busy place, but I don’t have a problem with noise—I can work with tons of noise (I have seven kids!). I just work so well there because nobody needs anything. I put on my headphones and dig in. Before I know it, a few hours have gone by, and I got tons of writing done.)
I often find inspiration for my curriculum AND parenting writing in unique places—a tree that could not stand strong against high winds; a milk shake spill that remains sticky until it is cleaned thoroughly with a very wet cloth—no dry cloth will suffice; a mis-spelled word on the “caution wet floor” sign; and even little kids who are not able to be controlled by their well-meaning mom, dad, or grandma. The latter is the one that inspired me today.
If I had ten bucks for every time I have heard an adult threaten to leave his or her child at my remote office, I would not be driving the non-air conditioned vehicle that I am driving this summer! We’ve all heard it (and maybe some of us have even used that tactic ourselves!), but upon closer examination, what is really wrong with the old, “If you don’t come now, I’m going to leave you here for the Hamburglar to get” routine? (Are you too young to know about the “Hamburglar” at McDonald’s??? Wowsie, I am old!)
Besides the fact that it is just plain mean spirited to threaten to abandon our children, it is evidence of a larger problem in parenting young children—not saying what we mean. Some of the best pieces of advice that our early mentors (Terry and Esa Everroad—I’ve written about them before) gave us were (1) Do not ask our small children to do what we want them to do –but to tell them what we want them to do; and (2) Say what we mean.
The first one was easy enough to change. No more, “Joshua, could you please, please, please, please put your coat on for Mommy?” Agghh….it never got results anyway. I mean, after all, we are giving the child a choice to do it or not, aren’t we? And how can we enforce his obedience when we let him decide whether to do something or not by posing it as a question? It made perfect sense to me to stop begging Joshua to do what I wanted him to do. It was just a simple matter of re-wording my instructions to him (since my question really was a statement with an emphasis at the end to make it sound questioning!).
The second one was harder to curb. Tune in tomorrow to find out why this tip is so important in parenting young children…. smile….
