We would love to come to your area with our Homeschooling With Character parenting seminar. This seminar is flexible to meet the needs of homeschool groups everywhere. Here are some details for you:

1. The seminar can be sponsored by a church, Sunday school, small group, community, homeschool group, support group, field trip group, state homeschool organization, etc. It is for any group of homeschoolers who want to learn about character-focused parenting from birth to tweens—with a special emphasis on the homeschooling lifestyle. (See our tween and teen workshop list here.)

Note: We also offer our Raising Kids With Character seminar, which has many of the same sessions but does not focus on homeschooling families only. It addresses Christian parenting regardless of schooling scenarios. Many homeschooling groups sponsor that seminar so that they can invite their non-homeschooling friends as well. (Another option is to offer the Raising Kids With Character seminar but Friday during the day (or Thursday evening) have us present homeschooling workshops only (such as writing or managing your homeschool day or any of our sixty-plus homeschooling workshops.)

2. It is flexible. We can accommodate most schedules, including a shorter seminar (Friday night and Saturday morning) or a longer one (Friday night and all day Saturday) or even an extended one if Moms would like to do some efficiency, organizing, or “baby/toddler” things or other homeschooling topics during the day on Friday (my personal favorite because in this arrangement I get to talk to more moms!).

3. It is inexpensive. This is our ministry. Our book sales and cottage classes are for-profit, but these seminars are our “mission field.” We don’t need to make money—we just need to be able to pay our expenses and sell some of our products on tables. Easy peasy. That means that parents will not have to pay a lot to attend (though we do recommend charging something so parents commit to it).

4. The registrations can be set up in multiple ways: (1) Your group can handle the registrations and pay our expenses with your “per person” charge; (2) We can handle the registrations fully on our end; (3) Your group can handle the registrations but scholarship your people and have your group pay our expenses.

5. We are always asked about a minimum number of attendees. We love to speak to hundreds at homeschool conventions, and we would love to get our parenting messages out there to hundreds as well. However, we can usually hold a seminar for as few as thirty attendees.

Click below to see lists of topics that we speak on at our seminars, and contact us here to set one up!

The post Schedule a Homeschooling With Character Seminar appeared first on Character Ink.

I love being a mother! I have loved every stage of it–from being pregnant to having a son turn thirty-three this year! My husband and I have been working a lot on the slides and handouts for our parenting seminar (“Raising Kids With Character”) and for homeschooling conventions, so all of this prep has led me to this blog post. 

We mothers need all of the help and support that we can get in order to do our jobs. When I look at my mothering, I realize that the greatest support and help that I have had throughout the years has come from my husband. I don’t say this lightly or as a cliche’. I truly mean this.

Here are six ways that my husband has helped me to be a better mother, ways in which he has invested in my life and the life of our family that have resulted in my having the time, confidence, strength, inspiration, and vision to do what I do every day.


1. Giving great value to what I do

When I had five kids ten and under, the days were long and hard. I remember feeling like a failure many evenings when Ray walked through the door. At that time, he would take me by the hand, lead me to couch, and ask me questions that gave worth to my day: “Did you read the Bible to the kids today? Did you rock the baby? Did you do story time? Did you meet the kids’ needs? Did you spend time with the kids?”

When I answered yes to these things, he would say, “Then you did exactly what you were supposed to do today. The other things don’t matter.”

Suddenly, the dishes in the sink and the unfinished lesson plans seemed insignificant. He had truly brought worth to my day, to my efforts, to my life.

This is one small example of how my husband, year after year, has given great value and worth to what I do. How he has always made my job as a mother, a homeschooler, and even a homemaker feel important and worthy. And this has made me a better mother.

2. Seeing needs and meeting them

My husband’s primary love language is serving. I have always felt especially blessed to be married to someone who has “servant” as his native tongue. As a servant, he has never been able to just see things around the house or with the kids that need done and leave them. He believes, and has taught our children to believe, that if you “see a need, you should meet it.”

In practical terms, this means that dishes, trash, laundry, picking up, cooking, bathing, putting kids to bed, tutoring kids at night, etc., were always jobs that Ray picked up the slack on. 

I can remember when company would be at our house on Sunday night, and as they left, we always started scurrying around to clean the house, etc. One night a guest suggested that since it was Sunday, we could just leave the work for Monday. Ray quickly answered that “the ox is in the ditch.”

 After the company left, Ray explained to the kids: “The ox in the ditch means that it is okay to work on Sunday if the ox is in the ditch, and you need to pull it out. When the house is a mess on Sunday night, and we leave it like that for Mommy on Monday morning, we are leaving the ox in the ditch.”

By seeing needs and meeting them, besides teaching our children a spiritual truth, Ray has also helped me have time for important heart training, homeschooling, and outreaches that I would not have had time for. And this has made me a better mother.

3. Helping me not to over-schedule

This one has been met with limited success (but not for lack of Ray trying!). I can remember fifteen years ago when I had six kids in school and more work than I felt I could humanly handle, Ray sat down with me with little sticky notes and a large piece of tag board. Before “Managers of Their Home” and other scheduling programs were even popular, Ray was laying out my day on sticky notes in thirty minute increments!

He tried then, and continues to try, to tame my overzealous tendencies. He laid blank sticky notes throughout the day in strategic locations–telling me that I HAD to put in thirty minutes of flex time here and there. I always tried to put too much into each day and was often frustrated that things didn’t go as well in any given day as I had hoped it would, based on my tight schedule with little flex time.

There are countless other times in which Ray has tried to help me not to over-schedule. When I listened to him, my schedule went more smoothly. Bless his heart, he is still trying to reign me in schedule-wise. 🙂 And this has made me a better mother.



4. Focusing more on relationship than role


So many husbands, in trying to lead their family according to their interpretation of Scripture, spend a great deal of time focusing on everybody’s “roles.” This often results in a hierarchy-emphasis that does not lead to the husband as the servant leader, but only as the leader.

Ray is confident in his role as head of our family. He doesn’t need to remind his family of it. He doesn’t need to focus his attention on his headship. He doesn’t need to flex his leadership muscle.

Instead, he has always focused on relationship–his relationship with me, his relationship with his children. He focuses on meeting our needs rather than on guarding his position. And guess what? His attention on relationship and meeting our needs continues to cause us to respect his role.

An attention to relationships has resulted in greater heart-reaching and heart training of our children than I could have ever imagined–both by Ray and by me. And this has made me a better mother.




5. Loving me as Christ loved the church


Ray has always taken the analogy of “loving his wife as Christ loved the church” seriously. As he sees it, when a husband loves his wife as Christ loved the church, he will give everything for her. He will not seek for his own gain or his own needs. He will instead love selflessly.

In practical terms, this means that he gives me his time and attention. It means date nights, one-on-one time, long discussions, and lots of ballroom dancing. Obviously, we haven’t always been able to have evenings out, and we certainly didn’t ballroom dance while we had a houseful of little kids, but he has always sought to love his wife selflessly. And this has made me a better mother.

6. Being available

One of Ray’s favorite “parenting stories” that he shares in our seminar is that of Absalom, who, the Bible tells us, “stole the hearts of the people of Israel.” Scripture doesn’t say that he did anything fantastic to win the people. It only says that every day he stood by the gate and heard the people’s complaints and needs. 

In Ray’s words, “Absalom was available.” We both believe that if we want to win our children’s hearts; if we want to be their primary influencers; if we want to be the ones they come to when they are facing difficulties, we must make ourselves available to them, much like Absalom did to the people of Israel.

Even when Ray worked sixty hours a week in the automotive industry (fifteen years ago, before he took a “normal” job to be available more to our family), he still “waited at the gate” every day–making himself available to me and the kids. And this has made me a better mother.


Six key things that have had significant impacts on my parenting. For me, these things, day in and day out and year in and year out, have truly helped me to be a better mother. And I am grateful for each and every one of them. So grateful.

The post Six Ways My Husband Makes Me a Better Mother appeared first on Character Ink.

Have you subscribed to our weekly newsletters yet?!  Here’s a peek at what you’ve missed! You can get weekly newsletters delivered to your inbox by signing up here 🙂

If you have been considering using our new Meaningful Composition books, you are in luck! Since we will have so many new titles—and most of the old ones are revised—we have decided to offer a MC sale for back-to-school this year! Three years of re-writing, writing new, developing new techniques, and testing books with a hundred students each week—and now we are ready!

→Find out more!

Ray Reish, owner and operator of Character Ink Publishing Company and Raising Kids With Character parenting seminar, brings you this short, informative, motivating podcast episode in which he answers readers’ questions about husband involvement in goal setting, connecting in marriage, and leading the family. Ray offers fathers three connecting times that he has found to bring about real change in his home and security to his wife (and children): (1) Husband-wife meetings; (2) Daily Connect Time; (3) Dates. Pass this episode on to fathers who want to lead their families with love, selflessness, and faithfulness!

Listen Here!

Perfectionism is extremely detrimental to a family, especially when it is in the form of a perfectionistic mother. First of all, a perfectionist is super hard on herself. She never feels that she gets things done because oftentimes she really doesn’t due to the fact that everything has to be perfect—and, of course, that never happens. Secondly, it is hard on the family. Her expectations are often unrealistic, and this alienates her from her husband and her children. They know they can never please her, so they just give up trying—and often try to avoid her disapproval altogether.

Read More→

I had one of those real “Let’s eat, Grandma” vs “Let’s eat Grandma” instances in writing class this week–and it was so much fun!

The student’s sentence read something like this “When the chimps ate Mike began banging the cans together.”

Thus, it sounded like this (without the comma that was needed): “When the chimps ate Mike…”

Do you know why the comma is needed there? (Besides the obvious fact that the chimps did not eat Mike? 🙂 )

Find out why 🙂 →

Get the newsletters in your inbox…sign up here!

Follow our Newsletters board on Pinterest!

Save

The post This Week’s Character Ink! Newsletter {July 24, 3015} appeared first on Character Ink.

Listen to Ray’s podcast here!

I. Introduction

a. Welcome

b. Our story: How we discovered Husband-Wife Meetings and their impact

c. The power of weekly and/or monthly changes in a home

II. Meeting the Needs of Your Wife and Children in General

a. Head/leader/servant leader—Janitor

b. “Dwell with your wife according to knowledge” I Peter 3:7

c. Up to you to lead/initiate changes and improvement in your family; your wife is your helpmate

d. Security in wife and children comes from their knowing that you are close to God and you want the best for your family.

e. Wife and children feeling loved comes from their knowing that their husband/father is willing to sacrifice his time, hobbies, interests, work pursuits, etc. for them

III. Three Ways to Make Your Wife Feel Secure

A. Husband-Wife Meetings—call whatever you want “change meeting” or “improvement meeting” or “need-meeting session”!

i. Meet weekly to talk through things in general and to check on the change you are working on

ii. Be sure that a change has concrete steps to make it happen

a. Not more devotional time as a family but meal time reading together four times a week

b. Not improve Johnny’s reading but “read aloud sessions” with Johnny twice a day four days a week—once with Mom and once with Dad plus daily phonics lessons/review with mom

c. Not help Sally have better attitude but attitude check up meetings before bed; one hour alone with Mom and one hour alone with Dad each week; develop and follow through on a non-confrontational signal we will use to remind her that her tone and response are not acceptable; talk about what is frustrating her and how we can help her accept things she is discontent with or help her make changes in the areas that are in her control

B. Daily Connect Times—“couch time” or “twalk” or “travel phone time”

a. Lets children know that Mom comes first

b. Lets wife know that when you get home (or on the way home to use drive time efficiently), she will have your undivided attention for a little bit

c. Lets family know that you care about what went on that day and that you truly want to be a part of their day

d. Helps you know the needs better for the evening

C. Dates—whenever possible

a. Be creative if have small children (pizza or pie date after kids are in bed; our old ping pong dates after bedtime; coffee or dessert when kids are asleep; whatever you can afford is better than nothing)

b. Set aside time and money for this and initiate setting the dates up (don’t wait for her to beg you for a date)

c. If you are not good at setting up dates, let her do it but ask her specifically to do it (don’t make her beg you for a date!)—for example, “I was hoping we could go on two dates this month. Is it possible for you to line them up on any of our available times/days—you get the sitter and the time, and I’ll pay!” 🙂

d. If the first two connection times are in place, the date will be much more enjoyable for both of you (not as many problems to solve!)

e. Try to do a date a week—even if half or more of them are at home…just the act of setting aside the time is huge to a wife

Print this post here!

Listen to Ray’s podcast here!

The post Podcast Handout For: “Three Connecting Times to Make Your Wife Feel Secure” appeared first on Character Ink.

Click here to download the printable handout.

Subscribe to our Wondering Wednesday podcasts in iTunes.

Click here to see our previous podcasts!

The post Podcast For Fathers: Three Connecting Times to Make Your Wife Feel Secure (And Bring About Changes in Your Home in the Process!) appeared first on Character Ink.

Every day it is the same thing—more Duggar articles, updates, and tidbits coming through my FaceBook feed. Everybody has an opinion—from one extreme to another.

While I met the Duggars fifteen years ago when Mrs. Duggar and I both spoke at the same conference (me on how to teach writing and language arts and her on how to manage a family of eight or ten kids! 🙂 ), I do not know them personally nor have I ever watched their show or heard them speak (outside of that conference).

The truth is that none of us know the truth about the Dugger situation. People write blog posts and articles as though they know first-hand the exact time line and the decisions and moves that were made. I have a policy of never writing about something that I know nothing about, so this post will not delve into the Duggars’ problems.

So why am I writing a post about them if I know nothing and have nothing to contribute to their situation? Because I am afraid that we are missing the greatest thing that Christian parents should be focusing on in this scandal—how we can protect our own children from sexual misconduct and abuse both in the home and outside the home.

No, I am not an expert on this—but my husband and I have raised seven children (ages seventeen to thirty-two now) who have seldom harmed one another in any way (including striking angrily) and who I feel have a healthy outlook on marital intimacy.

Many of the protection and teaching tips that I will be sharing in this post and the next one (protecting outside the home) are from our blog (Character Ink Publishing and Family Ministries) and from various sessions of our Christian parenting seminar (“Raising Kids With Character” {RKWC}).

So here are just a few things that I feel we as Christian parents should really take to heart and implement in order to be sure that we are protecting our children as much as possible.

Note: These pieces of advice are not directed at or have anything to do with the Duggars.

Protecting Our Children From Sexual Misconduct Within the Home

(1) Protect our children from seeing SEX everywhere!

This first tip is an old fashioned one—but one that I feel many of us have gotten away from.

Our last three children were boys born within five years of each other. By that time, we knew the incredible benefits of keeping them from seeing things that exacerbate teen boys’ raging hormones.

We tell boys to stay pure, to not think about sex, to abstain from masturbation—then we turn on the television every night in which all types of sexual sin seem completely normal and acceptable and are there in front of them in full color. We allow them to view (often on a super large screen) commercials and programs in which women are scantily-clad with come hither expressions and body movements. Then we wonder why teen boys are obsessed with sex!

Additionally, we often do not give a second thought to our sons seeing girls in lewd bathing suits or seeing the pictures of  Victoria’s Secret models in the front of the store. While we can’t lock our sons up in our homes never to see anything bad, we should consider our swimming and shopping situations a little more carefully than we sometimes do. And definitely control our television situations.

(2)  Limit access to the internet by instilling boundaries and installing blocks on all devices.

In speaking to parents over the past several years, I have been alarmed at the  complacency  that many Christian parents have developed concerning the internet. We give ten year olds the internet at their fingertips—and just invite them (while warning them and begging them not to) to see sexual acts by every combination of persons imaginable. I can hardly bear to think about what kids are seeing every day on the internet.

We can’t give our children the internet and just hope for the best. We have been able to raise our kids without such a huge internet influence—and were able to continue our “no internet in the bedrooms for kids under eighteen (including no smart phones for kids under eighteen); internet on main computer in common living area for kids to use; one child very seldom home alone” approach.

However, I am not so naïve to think that people can do that today—so I leave you on this point with the best article that I have read about protecting our children from internet pornography and placing blocks on various devices–and I beg you to read it and follow its advice step-by-step—“The Porn-Free Family”

(3)  Place other boundaries in your home.

In addition to internet safety, we should also provide “common sense” boundaries in our home. These will be different for each family based on the number, ages, and sexes of their children, but here are a few to consider:

a. Open door policies of bedrooms—or at the very least that parents may come in at any time

b.  Shared rooms for two or three kids of the same sex (and ongoing spiritual teaching that helps the kids develop a  conscience that says I need to help my roommates stay pure—and they will help me as well as the responsibility to tell parents about anything that goes on that is against family rules)

c.  No televisions or internet in bedrooms

d. Have more “community rooms” for hanging out and playing and use bedrooms for sleep and/or study (as opposed to children staying in their rooms alone too much)

e. Consider the ratings of movies for the REASON of their ratings. Don’t automatically assume that a PG movie is fine and an R movie is totally out of the question. Look for the words “Rated ___ for…” and check the reasons that the movie got the rating that it did. We personally didn’t mind if our boys saw “action” movies, but if a movie listed “partial nudity” or “sexual situations,” we knew to steer clear.

f.  Think through the decision to leave one child (especially a son) home alone too often. I know it is a hassle to be sure that two or more people are home at one time, but it gave me peace of mind when our “little boys” were twelve, fourteen, and sixteen and up.

(4)  Provide hard physical labor and/or physical distractions for preteen and especially teen boys.

Our early mentors told us thirty years ago that when our oldest (Joshua, thirty-two year old son) turned twelve, we should do two things (1) Make Mom “milk and cookies” (i.e. not the controlling, nagging mom of a teen boy!) and (2) Provide physical labor or hard physical activity for him. They gave us a couple of books that further explained how sexual energy in teen boys can be expended somewhat through physical activity.

When Joshua was twelve or so, we began taking our mentors’ advice to heart—working towards Joshua’s reporting to Ray for his daily behavior and homeschooling and having Ray be the primary disciplinarian (and yes, we did this in spite of Ray’s working a minimum of sixty hours per week fifty weeks a year—where there is a will, there is a way).

Shortly thereafter, we approached a Christian business owner about the possibility of Joshua working with him/for him in his residential and commercial painting business. Joshua began working one day a week at age thirteen as a gopher and then gradually increased until during high school he would work three full hard days a week and do his high school on the weekends and evenings and days off.

Others I know use sports as an outlet for teens’ physical needs. Our kids play a lot of intra mural types of sports as well as family sports, but we felt the hard work for our boys also built a great deal of other character in them.

(5)   Lay a foundation of honesty/not sneakiness in your family.

Honesty is a trait that we can instill in our children when they are very young. And while it might seem unrelated to the topic at hand, it actually has a lot to do with sneaking negative (and sometimes very negative) behaviors. While we want to do things to help our children control sexual urges until marriage (see other points), there is an element of dishonesty in harming another secretly that cannot be overlooked.

We must teach our children that “our family is a family of honesty, integrity, and forthrightness.” (For more information, see our post-RKWC seminar session, “How to Teach Honesty.”) We can thwart secret actions (sexual or other) somewhat by taking deceit in our children at young ages very seriously.

We personally did this by biblical teaching on honesty periodically, continual character teaching that emphasized honesty/no deceit, never calling an untruth anything but a lie/deceit (no white lies or fibs), and not allowing “small deceits” to slide by (i.e. sneaking to stay up later and watch something was a real deceit/dishonesty and was not treated the same as leaving their towels on the bathroom floor).

I knew a faithful mother who would pray daily that if her children were watching or seeing anything of a sexual nature, she would find it out. That those things that needed to be known by her and her husband would come  to light. This ongoing prayer not only helped things come to light to her (i.e. looking at nudity in Usborne history books), but it also kept the “watching out for things” in the forefront of her mind so that things that others might overlook were more obvious to her.

Additionally, with honesty teaching, my husband and I were careful to not create environments/situations in which sneakiness was easy. Sneakiness becomes easy to a child when he is led to believe that “he is an island” (without accountability or boundaries)—has his own room, shuts the door, does what he wants in his own room, nobody else allowed in, etc.

Sneakiness of any kind in children becomes habitual, and, more importantly, it gradually weakens the conscience. I’m not saying that if we teach our kids not to sneak, they will not be tempted with sexual misconduct. I am saying that sexual misconduct is an ultimate form of sneakiness—and when sneakiness becomes a way of life for our children, the next level of sneakiness/deceit is easier to succumb to.

(6)  Teach the omnipresence of God early and often.

This is somewhat of a continuation of the previous point, but children who sneak around to do things (anything—not just harming a sibling) do so at the risk of getting caught by parents or older siblings or other authority. For many kids, the urge to do what they want to do is so strong that it is worth it to them to take that chance. It is in these scenarios that we have to hope and pray that we have instilled within our kids the understanding that without a shadow of a doubt, honestly, totally, and for sure/for sure—God sees and knows everything.

Yes, we can provide boundaries that help our preteen and teen children stay away from sexual sins and/or harming siblings, but the one thing that we want to drive them to righteousness is the understanding that God is all-seeing and all-knowing—and he hates sin.

(7)  Provide constant, on-going, predictable accountability in your home.

Accountability meetings, family meetings, devotionals times all together, prayer sessions, living room chats, and more should be such a part of our family life that children have trouble hiding things—their struggles, their bad behaviors, and even their doubts. We must keep a pulse on our children’s hearts at all time—and this happens through an astronomical amount of time spent with them and planned, predictable times together.

While spontaneous family times are great, our kids should know Tonight we are going to read together or talk about our day or Dad is going to tuck me in and talk to me about my life….(See our workshops about reaching our children’s hearts and our blog category “Reaching the Hearts of Your Tweens and Teens.”)

They should know this is coming for two reason: (1) Because it shows them how much we care—that we will take whatever time is needed to get to their hearts, to help them, to encourage them, to give them an opportunity to talk about what is bothering them; and (2) Because it helps our children keep short accounts with God and with their siblings.

In our nighttime talks as a family, we would often ask our kids if anybody in the family had offended them that day—and did one parent and those kids need to go talk. AND what did someone in the family do that day that was good—that stood out to you as godly character, selflessness, and kindness.

Our kids always knew that some kind of connection time was coming—in a good way. They knew we would be available, but they also knew that it was super hard to hide things from parents who care this deeply and are willing to forgo their nightly television or hobbies in order to keep the family close.

This might seem unrelated to potential sexual abuse in the home—but it really is not. Our children often confessed things to us, saying that they knew we would find out anyway when we talked or when a sibling spoke up about something (i.e. texting while driving or getting angry when babysitting for siblings, etc.).

Additionally, we need to provide unconditional love and encouragement for our children. They will be more apt to come to us, more likely to not develop addictions, and less likely to harm others or take advantage of others if they feel secure and loved by their parents in their own home.

(8) Teach children to tell you everything—and emphasize that nobody is off limits to be “told on.”

Along with our frequent meetings, gatherings, and heart-sharing times, we also must teach our children that if there is the SLIGHTEST thing that bothers them, they should tell us. We should teach them that it doesn’t matter if that person is in authority over them (and tells them not to tell because he or she is boss over them). They should “tell on” anybody who ever hurts them or does anything that they even sense might be wrong. (Of course, this assumes that we have taught them about what should never be touched, etc.)

With this, we should also avoid such terms as “tattle tale” and the like. (I know there is a fine line here that we need to discern—not let littles fuss about every little thing, tell on siblings for looking at them cross eyed or putting their foot over the line in the van, etc., but we have always felt it was better to err on the side of over-protection and caution.)

We even began taking this a step further several years into our parenting and asked the children periodically if anybody did anything they were uncomfortable with or hurt them in any way. We even brought up siblings in these questions (and were relieved to hear such innocuous accusations as, “Yeah…Joshua made me unload the dishwasher alone while you were gone!”).

Finally, talk about wrong touching and behaviors (dressing in front of siblings, wearing a sheer nightgown without a robe around the house, putting hands on each other inappropriately, etc.) as a group while not going into more detail than is necessary. Talking about it all together provides another level of accountability (“Remember when Dad said we needed to wear our undergarments under our pajamas when we are not in our bedroom?”) and the potential for red flags to come up for our children if anything that was discussed in the group is ever an issue.

(9)   Observe and set boundaries for physical contact between children.

This can be a tough thing to carry out, but it is important. Kids will be kids—they will wrestle, tickle, roll on the trampoline together, tackle a sibling at home plate, and more. And healthy interaction between siblings can be a good thing.

However, these behaviors can also give a teen the feeling that “handling” a younger sibling (and perhaps accidentally touching a sister’s behind on the tramp) is okay. And then there develops a familiarity or casualness that can become, well, too familiar and too casual and can feed a child’s sexual curiosity.

So do we say no more knee football in the living room? No more wrestling on the tramp? No more human pyramid building? I don’t think so,

However, we do need to be alert and discerning. And we need to be sure that everybody involved in the tramp romp or pyramid building is comfortable with that much closeness.

(10)  Watch for signs that might pop up that show something is amiss—especially with our tween and teen sons.

We need to watch pre-pubescent and pubescent sons for signs of too much/unacceptable sexual curiosity with siblings. And stop it immediately.

Signs of this include trying to watch sisters change clothes; habitually walking into rooms where the girls might be indecent without knocking; putting sisters that are too old to be on laps on their laps; unusual face caressing, hair stroking, or arm or leg rubbing; always trying to sit close to a certain sibling; withdrawn behaviors/wanting to be alone too much; over-taking of brother/sister selfies that look as though the siblings are a “couple”; looking at “soft porn” (like ads in the newspaper for bra and underpants sales or movie stars “red carpet” pictures in which women are not wearing enough clothing); over-volunteering to change toddlers’ diapers or clothes; and others that might be specific to your family dynamics.

(I recommend boys not change diapers on a regular basis—just another safeguard we can put in place, inconvenient though it might seem.)

Along with this point, we must watch for self-satisfying sexual behaviors. Children are naturally curious, and it becomes apparent to them early on that touching certain areas with a wash cloth in the bathtub or over-wiping after toileting can feel good. It is a difficult thing to instill in children that touching their private parts is a bad thing—while still letting them know that someday your spouse touching this area will be a good thing. We need to teach them that others should not touch them—and that they should not touch themselves. That these areas are for married life only.

There are signs that can tell us that a daughter or son is self-stimulating. Too much time spent alone in the bedroom or bathroom can be a red flag for both sexes. Boys who scratch or rub themselves too much in the living room might be doing more behind closed doors.  For girls, sitting in certain positions or rubbing against a piece of playground equipment, chair, etc., can all point to these behaviors.  Also for girls, strong smells and/or recurring yeast infections can also be signs.

This is a super sensitive and difficult area. We shouldn’t say that they should not touch themselves because it is a “bad area.” We shouldn’t tell them that they shouldn’t do it because those are for pottying only. (That isn’t true.) Again, telling them that those areas are for pottying, married relationships (at the appropriate ages—no reason to tell them this before they need to know; we used the “tell only what they ask approach”), and having children are straight forward answers that are also truths.

(11)  Provide your children with a healthy outlook on marital sex.

My husband and I are avid ballroom dancers and have been for over ten years now. One of the studios in which we sometimes visit for practice dances consistently plays this horrible song with lyrics that say, “I wanna do bad things to you…wanna do bad things to you…” referring to going home with the girl and having sex.

Obviously, the illicit sex described in this song is sin, but something that has stood out to me and Ray from this song is that kids are often taught that “sex is bad.” Yes, what this couple in the song was going to do was “bad,” but sexual acts and intercourse are not “bad” in and of themselves. “I want to do bad things to you” indicates that sex is bad.

We are doing our kids no favor by classifying sex as bad. We should clearly teach two aspects of sexuality: (1) Outside of marriage…bad/wrong; (2) Inside marriage….amazing!

With these classifications, they don’t always associate everything sexual with sin—they develop a healthy attitude towards sex. Sex in the right context (one-man/one-woman in marriage) is not bad. It is something to look forward to. Something to save yourself for. Something enjoyable.

How can we teach this to our kids when they are bombarded with “bad” sex messages all the time? We followed a protocol of telling our children exactly what they were asking at any given time—but no more. That is, we answered their question. Let them ask another. Answered that one. And so on. Don’t bombard them with sexual information that they are not asking for/ready for. Likewise, do not create an environment in which they will not ask because they think it is “bad.”

And just like honesty and kindness, we teach a healthy sexual outlook constantly, always watching for “teachable moments,” always ready for the next lesson. Not overdoing it, but not keeping them in the dark so that they wonder too much and have to seek out the information elsewhere.

We also model it. Parents should not shy away from “public displays of affection” in front of our children. Our kids should see us dancing, hugging, kissing, flirting, and desiring to be with each other. They should want what we have someday in the future—and know that it is going to be very good when it happens.

I know that is a lot to process, but in light of the recent news reports, we have to admit that even good families with consistent spiritual teaching can have children involved in sexual misconduct and even abuse or molestation. It is our job as Christian parents to teach and protect our children—and these tips can help us teach and protect well.

Watch the blog for the sequel to this article—“Protecting Our Children From Sexual Abuse Away From Home.”  This article will deal with sleepovers, authority figures, other people’s homes, childcare situations, and more.

The post Duggar Trouble: What Christian Parents Should Really Be Focusing On appeared first on Character Ink.

Our son and daughter-in-law whom this post is based on are coming up to their first anniversary of marriage. And we were so thankful that we helped guide them through their dating and engagement years. Thought we would re-run this one as it is almost always pertinent to someone! 🙂

Our first “guinea pig”! Our first born child, Joshua (31), with his wife of ten years. They put up with our novice parenting skills during their courtship and engagements–but I am so thrilled with the loving, romantic, deferential, and fun marriage that they have!

Yes, you read that title right! Our twenty-one year old engaged son (soon to be married–in four months!) NEEDS his parents.

(As a side note, ever since we have had sixteen, eighteen, and twenty year olds, we have believed that sixteen to twenty is actually the highest need time for our kids in terms of parental guidance and input….but that is another post for another day.)

There are key things that we can do to help Jonathan be a great boyfriend, awesome fiance–and soon, fantastic husband!

BFFs for two years; a couple for two more; engaged for six months–the sweet, happy couple

Jonathan and Maelynn have been engaged for six months, a couple for two and a half years, and best friends for two years prior to that. Jonathan is our third child to get married, so we have quite a bit of experience in the boyfriend/fiance department (as well as a mishap or two along the way–there is no perfect way to help our kids find their way in the romantic relationship/marriage department!).

We have been extremely active in Jonathan and Maelynn’s relationship from the beginning (as we have been for all three marrieds and another daughter in a serious relationship now). But not just Mom and Dad–the siblings kept their phones handy on the night that Jonathan was to propose–and texts, pictures, well-wishes, and love you’s were flying across cell phone lines throughout the night.

So here are five ways we can help our sons be good boyfriends/fiances–with this list making the assumption that said son is old enough to get married or consider getting married and the girl he is in a relationship with will likely become his wife in due time. (When to start relationships, lengths of relationships, serial dating, etc., are all topics for another post, again, on another day.)

One of the perks of being in a great relationship with your kids–getting to help them plan the fun things of life–here Ray is helping the kids plan and reserve their honeymoon!

1. Start with YOUR relationship with your son

In other words, don’t let him get himself into just any relationship. As Jonathan and Maelynn’s friendship grew, so did our time with Jonathan. There was a lot to do emotionally and spiritually, after all!

We were there from the beginning—helping him decide how to pursue the relationship, coaching him on how to talk with her dad, encouraging him to tell her his heart, and guiding him in the path that appeared to be unfolding before him.

By starting the relationship with our sons, we can help them during the initial stages–help them avoid heartache, see things that they cannot see, etc. Obviously, this “starting the relationship with him” takes a lot of pre-relationship heart work. We had to have such a strong relationship with Jonathan (and Joshua, age thirty-one, ten years ago) that he WANTED us to be a part of what was going on–that he sought out our counsel, encouragement, wise words, vision, etc. (See TEENS posts at Raising Kids With Character!)

Family days can provide lots of time to talk, see how the relationship is progressing, have fun, and help our son learn how to be the best boyfriend ever!

2. Be available for both of them

When Jonathan and Maelynn became a couple (and had both parents’ blessings to pursue each other), one of the first things that we did was take them to dinner and tell them flat out that we were available. I believe my husband’s words were something like “We are super excited about your relationship and really pray that it works out wonderfully. We want you to know that we are always available for you. That we will be here to cheer you, to support you, to encourage you, to help you. That we are always here.”

Then we followed up–texts to both of them help us keep a pulse on the relationship. Time with just the four of us when they are home from college gives us further glimpses into the hearts of these amazing young people. Long phone calls about wedding plans (okay, and yes, spread sheets that I make in Excel to help them stay on track with wedding preps!) continue to let them know that these parents aren’t going anywhere any time soon.

3. Check on the girl’s heart through your son

Boys are not naturally sensitive, intuitive beings (okay, I’ll say it–men are not naturally this way either). Jonathan has unusual kindness, sensitivity, intuitiveness, and compassion–but even he overlooks things in their relationship at times.

We constantly check with Jonathan on Maelynn’s heart: “How do you think Maelynn feels about that?” “Did Maelynn say that is what she wants too?” “Is Maelynn still struggling with this or that? If so, how are you helping her?” “How have you deferred to Maelynn lately?” “Are you putting her first after the Lord–and does she know it?”

Without Jonathan even realizing it, we are helping him learn to be the type of husband that Maelynn will want in the future. We are actually “parenting”–but without curfews, punishments, or constant lessons. These “heart checks” continually give Jonathan the tools he needs to grow as a fiance’.

With these “Maelynn heart checks” also come encouragement and affirmation for Jonathan when he is being a great fiance. During a recent phone conversation I had with Jonathan, he said that he had asked Maelynn specifically what she wanted to do on the four year anniversary of her mother’s death–and then he told me that they had taken the afternoon off from school and walked on Lake Michigan (near their campus), talked about her mom and anything Maelynn wanted to talk about, then read together from “Five Love Languages” (not sure where he ever got such a notion!! ; 0 ). That evening they watched a movie and relaxed. He had discovered what his girl needed on this difficult day and set out to make it happen.

I gushed, “Oh Jonathan. You are such an amazing fiance. You seek out Maelynn’s needs and then try to meet them. That was so special. I am so proud of you for your sensitivity and care for her.” See—teaching, training, encouraging, and affirming–all because of availability and asking the right questions.

4. Check on the couple’s physical relationship often

My husband is the type of father who loves to ask questions. He feels that the kids can learn more through their answers to our questions than they would if we just gave them the answer or told them how we wanted things.

The same is true in the area of romance. When our kids begin a relationship, he asks them what their physical plans are, point blank. “Do you see yourselves holding hands or hugging?” “How about arms around each other or leaning on each other while watching a movie?” “Do you plan to kiss during the courtship period, engagement period, or not at all (before marriage) on the lips?”

Then he listens. Then he gives them input. (“You guys have a long three years ahead of you in this relationship. I agree that kissing should be reserved for the engagement period.”) He can confirm, add to, give advice, etc., because he asked them first. And then, guess what? They ask him what he thinks! (Sneaky, huh???)

Ray asks them how they are going to stay true to their commitments in this area first (again). We help them design safeguards for their physical relationship–no kissing in the car, no being alone at one of your homes, etc.

Once the parameters have been set in the physical relationship (by the couple, with our input), we can help them stay true to their physical commitments. Ray has asked our sons who have been in relationships exactly how things are going on a regular basis.

We are helping our son be a good boyfriend (then fiance–and eventually husband) when we walk through appropriate physical contact with them from the beginning–and check on them often. Our future daughter-in-law deserves a husband who keeps his word and loves her enough to honor their pre-marital intimacy decisions.

5. Encourage your son to have fun and make things special

We want all of our married kids to be hopeless romantics like us!

Ray and I are hopeless romantics! We ballroom dance nearly every weekend because with each song “there is a three minute period in which nobody needs anything and the only people in the world are the two of us.” (Told you we were hopeless!)

And we encourage our kids in relationships to be romantic, spontaneous, fun, and surprise-filled. When Jonathan and Maelynn first started dating two and a half years ago, Ray told them to make a list of all the fun things they wanted to do together during their summer school break (after work, of course!). He told them to check it every week and be sure to do something fun each week.

Long mornings at an old, dusty book shop, long walks in the park, singing together, movies, and concerts are some of the fun things Jonathan and Maelynn enjoy doing together.

Before they got engaged six months ago, the entire family called Jonathan one-by-one to offer advice on the perfect engagement night. It was loads of fun–and encouraged Jonathan to not just get engaged but to really GET ENGAGED! 😉

A couple of days before the big night, when Jonathan was heading out to go back to college, my husband slid him a fifty dollar bill and told him to “go ahead and take her to The Melting Pot. You want this night to be as special as it can be.” Yes, I had to go two weeks without a dinner date with my husband–but it was worth it to us to help Jonathan afford a super special engagement night. Encourage romance in your son–this really makes a girlfriend/fiance happy!

We even tell the boys that it is Scriptural to have fun and “cheer” your wife: “When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business; but he shall be free at home one years, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken” (Deuteronomy 24:5). I know, I know…taking a verse out of context, but doesn’t that verse say something about how God views a marriage relationship and the husband’s role to make the wife happy????

Occasionally, we just ask Jonathan, “Other than studying together for twelve hours on Saturday, what special thing did you do with Maelynn this weekend?” It can be as simple as walking downtown Chicago, playing in the game room at the college, or renting a movie for the two of them–but we don’t want him to skip special things even in the midst of busy-ness (and two very serious, studious college kids!).

Additionally, we like to have fun with the sweet couple. It isn’t uncommon at all for Jonathan to get a text from me giving him a potential schedule for when he is coming home to see if he and Maelynn can join us for pizza night, game night, park day, or a movie out. Being in these settings with the two of them helps us see how their relationship is going and what we can recommend to Jonathan to be a better boyfriend/fiance.

Fun family times with the couple also give us chances to listen to Maelynn when she talks and point out little things that Jonathan might miss. (It isn’t uncommon at all to hear my husband talking to one of the marrieds or dating kids on the phone and say, “I heard ____ say this the other night. What do you think he/she is feeling?” OR “When ____ said this, I didn’t feel like you were really listening.”) In addition to potentially helping a current situation, we are also helping to train our son or daughter’s ears for really listening to the other person.

Trust me, you WANT your son to be a good boyfriend/fiance to the woman he is going to marry because it lays the groundwork for his marriage relationship. This is the perfect opportunity for us to help our son hone the relationship skills (empathy, kindness, generosity, compassion, selflessness, love, deference, etc.) that he has been learning at home for the past eighteen or twenty years. Our training years are not over just because our son is in a serious relationship. He still needs us–and his girlfriend/fiance will be overjoyed that we helped him become a better boyfriend/fiance!

Pre-marital time with his girlfriend/fiance is the perfect opportunity for him to hone those relationship skills and character qualities that he has been learning at home since he was little.

The post Five Ways to Help Your Son Be a Good Boyfriend/Fiance appeared first on Character Ink.

Many years ago my husband and I started a cool tradition that we called Thirty Days of Romance during the summer/close to our anniversary. (Read about that here!)

In the last two years, it has gotten increasingly difficult to have this romantic time period—yes, you read that right…as our kids got OLDER, it got harder to do! When we began it about eight years ago, we had four kids at home teens/tweens—and we just told them that we were dancing and romancing for thirty days, so don’t bug us. 🙂

Fast forward and we decided this year that with the busy-ness with our adult and college kids, we would just have ten days of romance, and we would start it about eight days before our anniversary. We decided to go dancing a couple of times, go to dance class (instead of missing like we do more often than we go), watch movies at home, go to a concert of a seventies group in the park, take long walks—you know, romantic things like that.

The first day was great. We only worked about six hours then visited my dad and step-mom for a couple of hours—then it was just us—ten days of just us. The concert was fun. We went out to eat (something we don’t do that often with the two of us any more because if we get to go out, we dance and it is hard to dance well on a full stomach).

The next day—more romance planned. An afternoon nap and then we were dancing non-stop for three hours. And that is when our ten days started to break down. Our son got his state nursing exam scores back, so we canceled dance and took him out to celebrate with a couple of our kids.

Then a day or so later, I needed to work until eight. A day later our dance class got canceled because the girls wanted to take me out for a birthday dinner (coming this weekend also). Next day our house was filled (for which we are eternally, excitedly, and overwhelmingly grateful!) with adult kids getting together for their weekly Summer Sibling Cinema Night (a different “kid” chooses a film that most have not seen each week to watch and, of course, discuss—since our family is all about discussions!). And so on and so forth….

So last night we narrowed what was thirty days and then was ten days….down to eighty hours. It starts this afternoon at three, and is supposed to last until late Sunday night/Monday morning. I’ll repeat the plan just to encourage its happening—dinner out, bike rides, long walks, movies in our room with pizza delivery, ice cream at our favorite place, swimming at the Y, extended time talking about life and goals, and dancing.

Thirty days, I mean ten days….okay Eighty Hours of Romance—it could happen! 🙂

The post No Thirty Days of Romance? Okay, Let’s Go for Ten! Um, Eighty Hours Then? appeared first on Character Ink.

The post Who are you saying no to? appeared first on Character Ink.

Take a look at what we do below—and contact us to learn more!

“Raising Kids With Character” Christian parenting seminar—available in four, six, eight, or ten session formats! For churches, parenting classes, homeschool groups, conventions, and more!

Ray and Donna enjoy helping homeschoolers with parenting, marriage, homeschooling, language arts, writing, family life, and more!

Ray, Donna, and Joshua enjoy speaking to groups at homeschooling conventions and have over fifty topics to choose from, including fathers, mothers, parenting from toddlers to teens, character training, how to teach (reading, writing, English, speech, debate, history, literature, and more), study skills, home management, marriage, reaching your children’s hearts, organizing, and much more!

Donna explains her three writing and language arts programs at homeschool conventions: Character Quality Language Arts, Meaningful Composition, and Really Writing (ebooks–coming out fall/winter 2014/2015).

Ray and Donna enjoy speaking together in their “Raising Kids With Character” parenting seminar (for Christian parents) as well as at homeschooling conventions and their homeschooling workshops.

Ray and Donna Reish, directors and founders of Character Ink, write, speak, and teach at their “cottage classes” to test Donna’s books, parenting seminars, small groups, and homeschooling workshops.

Joshua enjoys writing new Meaningful Composition books with Donna, teaching over one hundred “cottage class” students each semester, and speaking at homeschooling conventions with his parents or on his own. Check out his speaking topics and cottage class offerings!

Ray and Donna enjoy helping parents raise and reach the hearts of their teens in their homeschooling workshops (“Reaching the Heart of Your Teen,” “Homeschooling Through High School,” “What Your Teen Needs From You,” “What Your Wife and Children Need,” and more!) as well as in their “Raising Kids With Character” parenting seminar (non-homeschool-specific or homeschool-specific version).

Meaningful Composition, our composition-only Christian writing series, covers grades two through twelve (see specific titles for availability) and teaches students how to write using Character Ink’s “Directed Writing Approach.” Check out our two week samples to see how your student can learn to write well—and enjoy the process!

Character Ink’s writing methods, from our “Directed Writing Approach” to our signature “Checklist Challenge” for editing papers to our “Overview Source Method” for research writing, will have your student writing amazing papers in no time! Check out our Character Quality Language Arts samples, our Meaningful Composition samples, and our new Really Writing ebooks (non-religious shorter writing books)!

Our Christian parenting book, The Well-Trained Heart, explains how we discovered a heart-training method for raising children, while instilling character qualities into their lives. Check out our first chapter!

Character Quality Language Arts (CQLA) is our anchor homeschool product. Four levels of books, covering grades two through twelve, each 1200 to 1500 page work-text provides all of your student’s language arts needs (copy work, vocabulary, spelling, editing, outlining, writing, grammar, usage, dictation, and more) in one book!

Ray and Donna love to speak to married couples about the parallels of ballroom dancing and marriage in their sessions called “Dancing With Your Star–Insights From the Dance of the Ballroom to the Dance of Marriage”!

Students engage in lively discussions in many of Joshua’s “cottage classes,” including literature, world history, US history, economics, government, apologetics, speech, and debate.

In Character Ink’s “Cottage Classes,” Ray, Donna, and their assistants teach up to two hundred students in four locations each semester—from complete CQLA classes (all language arts) to writing to high school sciences and many high school social studies (taught by Joshua with his own syllabus and materials). Check out the class descriptions and registrations forms for upcoming classes!

Character Ink materials use our signature “Directed Writing Approach” method for teaching writing. No more questions about what to write, how to write, or when to write. From Brainstorming Boxes through our Checklist Challenge, we leave nothing to chance when it comes to teaching students how to write!

Contact us to enroll students in cottage classes; order our products; book a speaker for your event; or host a parenting or language arts/writing seminar!

Character Ink

11120 Aboite Center Road0-450-

Fort Wayne, IN 46814

260 450 7063

The post All About Character Ink appeared first on Character Ink.