We wanted our children to ask questions–and lots of them! We wanted to be their answerer as much as possible. Thus, we “trained” them to ask questions–by answering them freely and endlessly.

Ray is the best answerer I have ever met (honest!). He is the one who made me come up with the little acronym that we teach at our parenting seminars. I have watched him day in and day out, year in and year out, answer a question. Then he paused and continued on with more answers and more answers and more answers.

He never tired of our children’s questions–and when the kids weren’t asking questions, he would prod them to do so: “Why do you think that guy directing traffic is wearing an orange vest and not a black one?” “Why do you think that farmer is still in the field on a Saturday night at ten o’clock?” “Why do you think Jesus said that?” He literally trained them in question asking!

No matter where we are, Ray always stops to answer the kids’ questions–sometimes even at lunch at a museum! Sometimes on napkins at lunch! Sometimes in the driveway as he plays with the kids. And he always “Answers It More!”

From watching him, I came up with the acronym that we encourage all parents to use. AIM: When your children ask you a question, answer it. Then Answer It More!

Children will grow up learning to ask questions if we answer their questions freely. For most questions+, use the “Raising Kids With Character” method of AIM: When your children ask you a question, answer it. Then Answer It More! This will help them to become lifelong learners–and responsible thinkers who do not just accept everything that is put before them but truly question what they see and hear in the media, from others, etc.

It takes intentionality to do this—and the framework of “I am going to give my children my time now…while they are here at home with me.” It is hard to volunteer to give more and more time sometimes as it feels like parenting already takes so much time—without looking for ways to give even more of our time!

But AIM has helped us to dig more deeply into our children’s hearts. It has helped them see and value our availability. It has allowed us to do even more teaching. It has been worth it!

AIM: Answer It More!

+The exception to our AIM approach was when children asked questions of a sexual nature. Then, as my husband likes to say, tell them just a tiny bit. Then if they ask more, tell them more. Continue in this way with all delicate topics. This way, you are giving them the information that they are ready for–the information that they really asked for. And you are not giving them sexual information that they are not ready for. Ray called these “Daddy Talks”–there is a post about that here.

Further reading:

52 Weeks: When You Have a Good Report

52 Weeks: When It’s Time to Ask Questions

52 Weeks: Techno Free Talk Time

52 Weeks: “Daddy Talks”

The post 52 Weeks of Talking to Our Kids: When You Need to AIM [Answer It More] appeared first on Character Ink.

“One good mother is worth a hundred schoolmasters.” -Unknown

Summer is here! Whether our children attend preschool, private school, public school, or homeschool, there are things that we can all do during the summer to make it an enjoyable, growing time in our children’s lives.

Summer truly proves the quote above–that one good mother is worth a hundred schoolmasters. We have our children home all summer–either with us if we work at home or stay home with younger children or at home while we are working. Either way, we have all summer to be their “schoolmasters.”

I have a variety of topics to share with you concerning summer. Here is a sneak preview of some of them:

1. Scheduling your summer days (A schedule? If you have kids sleeping ‘til noon, you would be surprised how much more time you can have with your kids and how much you can get done, if you just had a semi-scheduled summer!)

2. Helping your struggling reader—this will be multi-posted. From helping your young, struggling “word caller” (with phonics, reading together, and more) to helping your child go from word calling to fluency to helping your children build their comprehension skills this summer so that when they attack various types of materials this fall at school, they will understand and retain better than ever. My master’s work is in reading specialist—and teaching reading, comprehension, writing, and language arts are my true loves!

3. “Losing” academic skills in the summer? Which children really need academics in the summer?

4. Summer “skills” books vs instruction? How do you know what your child really needs this summer?

5. Reading aloud and summer library time—of course!

6. Penmanship helps—improve your child’s penmanship this summer in just a few minutes a day.

7. Math drill—get a simple, no nonsense math drill that will keep your kids’ skills sharp all year long.

8. Relationship building in the summer—especially with those older kids who are home from college for the summer!

9. Implementing those things that you always say you’re going to do and always want to do but that do not happen during the school year!

10. Much more!

I will try to move quickly so that we will be through them all in a few weeks, so you will still have a good six weeks to work on things that are suggested, if you decide you need to. Thanks for joining us!

The post Summer Is Here—Keeping Skills and Gaining New Ones appeared first on Character Ink.

Triff. Not a word you hear just every day. But a word, nonetheless. Because I said it is! 🙂

Many years ago, early into my cottage class teaching of homeschoolers, I had favorite words/sayings that I made up to write on kids’ papers.

Two phrases really–

TRIFF—short for terrific

Wowsie, wow, wow!

If a student got one of these marks on their paper that week, they knew that they had done a great job.

(To this day, fifteen years later, younger siblings of kids who used to be in classes many years ago, ooh and ahh over a paper with one of those phrases, saying that, according to big brother or big sister, those words are the gold standard of all grading—better than a 100%, an 11/11, or an A+! Don’t you just love kids???)

Of course, I didn’t just use those words with my students, for they actually originated with my own TRIFF kids and their wowsie, wow, wow behaviors, attitudes, and helpfulness.

And guess what? I still use those with my sweet almost-two-year-old grandson. (He is truly TRIFF!)

You don’t have to tell your kids they are TRIFF in order to affirm and praise them. But you do have to tell them they are something. Something good. Something desirable. Something to be celebrated and appreciated.

Obviously, a pat on the back and simple, “Great job up there” when he sits down from playing the piano is great. As is a ruffling of the hair for a teen girl with the word “Awesome” as she is leaving the soccer field.

But when you want to put it in writing, and even possibly be a little more specific, it is good to have Affirmation Cards.

You can make these yourself on the computer or even keep a sticky note pad on your desk and write them periodically—sticking them to their bathroom mirror, headboard, notebook, etc. Or you can check out our newest ones to download, cut, and have on hand.

Click on the picture to download!

(We kept some in a basket in the bathroom along with a pen so that my husband and I could grab one, write a personal note on it, and pass it out. Sometimes the bathroom is truly the best place to get stuff done!)

Either way, just do something. We should always let our kids know that their efforts, character, responsibility, kindness, cheerfulness, hard work, and more are noticed—and appreciated.

Below is a list of sentiments that we put on our first set of Affirmation Cards available at our store (and soon to be in a Freebie Friday for newsletter and blog subscribers). Feel free to print these off and use them to create your own. You will never be at a loss for encouraging words again! 🙂

1. Fantastic diligence on school work!
2. Great job in serving!
3. You are TRIFF!
4. You are turning into an amazing young person!
5. I smile a thousand watt smile when I think of you!
6. Out of all the kids who are not my own, I like you the best!
7. So many interests, so little time. I’m proud of how you try things!
8. Thanks for being you!
9. I love you ten million times infinity and beyond.
10. So glad you’re mine!
11. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to be sure that I’m not dreaming this life—and having you for my child!
12. You define diligence!
13. I could watch you forever!
14. Your study habits are improving! So proud of you!
15. Love your light bulb moments. Creativity is one of your special gifts!
16. Sooooo grateful for you!
17. What an example to younger kids! Keep up the good work!
18. You beasted that homework this week!
19. I see slaying dragons in your future!
20. Love, love, love your kindheartedness!
21. Brave. Courageous. Steadfast. I’m talking about you!
22. I love how respectful you are to the elderly!
23. Super grateful that you are compassionate and kind to the disabled.
24. C.O.O.L. Those should be your initials!
25. I appreciate your appreciation!
26. Your stick-tu-a-tive-ness is going to take you places!
27. So glad you prove that honesty is the best policy!
28. Chef-in-Training! Wow!
29. The “white tornado” award goes to you! Great job cleaning your bedroom!
30. The cheerful chorer recipient is….you!
31. Ideas and the persistence to carry them out? Wowsie! You’re doing great!
32. Wowsie, wow, wow!
33. I miss you when you are gone!
34. Can’t wait till I hear the door opening—and you are on the other side!
35. Inspiring but not tiring! That’s you!
36. Generosity runs through your veins!
37. Self control is the very best way to go! Superb!
38. Tough enough! You have such perseverance!
39. Strong to the end! I love how you don’t give up.
40. I respect you as a person so much!
41. I admire you!
42. Counting the hours til we can be together again!
43. You are…I mean, you HAVE great character!
44. I love how hard you try!
45. So proud of how much you practice!
46. LOVE being your ‘rent!
47. Manners show people that you care. No glad you have such great manners!
48. I am so blessed to be your parent!
49. There is no one in the world like you! And I’m so glad you’re mine!
50. Go for it! You’ve shown your determination….I know you can do this!
51. One word describes you: TRIFF!
52. Your gentleness with children is so special!

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The post Ways to Tell Your Kids They Are Triff! appeared first on Character Ink.

Recently when my sister, her husband, and her two young teen daughters were here visiting in Indiana from North Carolina, we took as many from our family who could come and my sister’s family to our local YMCA to play a game called “walleyball” (rhymes with volleyball). This game is similar to volleyball in its rules–with the addition of walls as it is played in a racquetball court.

Since the court is smaller than a regular court, the game is actually a little easier for those who are not as strong–but not as easy for stronger people who hit the back wall (one of the out of bounds zones) quite often. The combination of the walls, the rules, the size of the court, and the various strengths of the players that night has made me think over and over again in the days since we played about the idea of the “mulligan.”

As indicated in the opening of this post, a mulligan is “an extra stroke allowed after a poor shot”–that is NOT counted on the scorecard or against the one who has been issued the “second chance.”

This term is one that we have thrown around our family of seven children (now ages seventeen through thirty-two) for years since my husband is a master at adapting games to fit the crowd who is playing. He loves to bring two or three families together and modify a kickball game or our oldest son’s homemade handball invention in order to allow littles to play with biggies; parents to play with children; and lesser skilled participants to play with “athletes.” Thus, a “mulligan” is a familiar word–and one that has been spoken many, many times in our home over our thirty-two years of parenting as we have enjoyed playing with our children.

It wasn’t uncommon during our walleyball night to hear someone shout “mulligan” whenever a person attempted to serve but didn’t make it over the net. Then we would evaluate and determine “yes” the person gets a mulligan or “no” he does not. What has led me to think of these mulligans quite often since that evening is the criterion on which we based giving mulligans during our play.

I mean, how does someone tell a sweet, small, twelve-year-old balletic niece that she cannot have a do-over after she tried so hard to get the ball over the net?  Or how do you turn down a poor middle-aged sister (*smile*) who is still recovering from frozen shoulder surgery: “too bad–you should have hit it harder”?

So when did we give mulligans that night–and what does this have to do with parenting?

Allow me to give you our walleyball mulligan run-down:

1. My younger niece is not a “ball” type of athlete. She is a dancer, cheerleader, and gymnast. She is also fairly tiny. She was a good sport about the whole night–but walleyball probably wouldn’t be her first choice of games. Because she is small, she had trouble getting her serves over at times, so everybody agreed to give our sweet Brittany some mulligans when her serve fell short of the net.

2. My sister had just had surgery for frozen shoulder approximately ten weeks before our Y night. She was able to play okay, but definitely didn’t have the range of motion that a serve often requires. Thus, we moved her closer to the net and gave her mulligans.

3. Our youngest daughter (24) has never been a volleyball player. She always thought she was terrible at it, and she often sat on the sidelines and watched others play through the years (in spite of her being very fit, a runner, and serious ab-workout girl!). She wouldn’t ask for a mulligan when she missed, but because she has just been learning volleyball over the past few years, we sometimes offered her a mulligan as well.

Who didn’t get a mulligan?

1. I adore volleyball. I played a little in high school, and while I’m not great at it, my years of experience in playing it at picnics, etc., meant that I was not a mulligan candidate.

2. See that athlete in the picture above–serious tennies and headband? That is our son’s wife who was the captain of her high school volleyball team and took MVP at nationals. She played a year of volleyball in college–no mulligan for that expert!

3. See that young man below? He is our seventeen year old–our youngest child. And he can be hyper, funny, loud, helpful, compassionate, and crazy all at the same time. On this particular night, he (as many seventeen year old boys do) tried to serve overhanded as hard as he could in an effort to score on every serve. Thus, he often hit the ball too hard and hit the back wall or the ceiling–both out of bounds spots. No mulligan for someone who knows how to do it but is hot dogging! 😉

4. None of the men or teen boys got mulligans. They are strong, athletic, and competitive. No motivation or encouragement was needed!

So what does this have to do with parenting? More than you might think.

In the “game” of parenting, we have the opportunity every day to give more chances or to show “tough love”–to extend grace or to train through consequences. We face these situations often unprepared.

We lament over them–“I just feel like if I don’t bring his shoes to gym class and he gets an F for the day, he will blame me” or “I know we have told her dozens of times not to leave her phone lying around at the gym, but now that it is stolen, I feel sorry for her because she misses talking to her friends. And we homeschool, so her phone is a way she socializes,” etc. etc. etc.

And I am not making light of any of these scenarios. We, after all, have raised six “teens”–and have one teen that we are in the thick of raising (a last child, nonetheless!).

Grace. Training. Mercy. Responsibility. I mean, honestly, who wants to choose among those?

warming up…

But let’s break down our walleyball game a little further to see if we can get some benchmarks for giving our kids mulligans:

1. Brittany is younger. She is not as strong as the big guys. She is not as used to ball handling like her sister who plays basketball at school. Extending mulligans to Brittany, who was trying to serve the ball over the net with all her might and had a good attitude in the process, is a good decision.

And so is giving a mulligan to a child who is struggling and genuinely wants to change/alter his behavior/make things different. And you know what? Most of the time we parents know when this child deserves a mulligan. The key is going to be to not give mulligans forever to a struggling child–but to gradually reduce the mulligans as the child becomes stronger and more adept.

2. My sister was injured for pity’s sake! She was being a sport just joining in the family fun.

When a child is downhearted or overwhelmed, he often needs grace. I don’t mean in trouble because of continual bad decisions or poor character but rather truly discouraged. When mercy is extended to a child in this situation, it can make a huge difference in how he pulls himself up by his bootstraps and gets moving in the right direction.

How long does a person with a shoulder injury need to recuperate before she should just serve already? Just as my sister’s doctor told her that it varies from person to person (with hers being more extensive once they got in there and found bone spurs as well), so it is with our children.

This is where heart parenting really comes in to play. Should the mulligans come to an end and this “injured one” come back now? Are we prolonging the healing process by not letting her live with consequences?

Someone who is hurting needs a mulligan–but not forever.

3. Volleyball playing is somewhat of a new experience for Kara. Granted, she is twenty-four, but she has only been getting on the court and playing over the past couple of years. You could say that she is in volleyball training.

A child who is “in training” in a certain area needs more mulligans than the child who has already been doing that skill or task for a while. We talk about this in our parenting seminar (Raising Kids With Character)–the idea of “childishness.” Childishness (forgetfulness, irresponsibility, etc.) in a child who is still learning his morning routine or his after school chores is best handled incrementally–with mulligans in place as needed–but not so many mulligans that the immaturity and irresponsibility remain.

We gave Kara a mulligan or two–but her volleyball training is about over (evidenced by how much better she played tonight than the previous time we played), and her walleyball mulligans are about to come to an end as well.

What about those who didn’t get mulligans?

1. Strong people who have done something over and over again do not need the motivation that comes with a mulligan (usually). It was easy to tell our twenty-two year old, athletic son to roll the ball under the net if he hit the ceiling on his serve. No training was taking place; no motivation or encouragement was needed.

2. Those who were hitting the ball so hard that it hit the ceiling or the back wall did not need mulligans. They needed to learn cause and effect. Walleyball is different than volleyball–the court is shorter and the back wall and ceiling are off limits. If you continue to smack the ball with that force, you will serve it out, and the other team will get the ball.

It wasn’t that hard in our walleyball game to determine who got a mulligan and who didn’t.

And while that isn’t always the case in parenting, we can use some key benchmarks for extending grace, including age of the child, past experience, whether other consequences have already been in place but didn’t help, the attitude of the child at the time, the frequency with which something occurs, the strength of the child, and more.

Because sometimes each one of us needs a mulligan in this game called life. But we also need to learn and grow. Because each of us needs a little grace sometimes. But because the Bible tells us that we can easily take advantage of that grace. Because we don’t want to exasperate our children. But we don’t want to be the kind of parent who doesn’t help our child become responsible or kind or thoughtful. Yes, sometimes we need to give our children mulligans.

The post When Do I Give My Child a “Mulligan”? appeared first on Character Ink.

Our son and daughter-in-law whom this post is based on are coming up to their first anniversary of marriage. And we were so thankful that we helped guide them through their dating and engagement years. Thought we would re-run this one as it is almost always pertinent to someone! 🙂

Our first “guinea pig”! Our first born child, Joshua (31), with his wife of ten years. They put up with our novice parenting skills during their courtship and engagements–but I am so thrilled with the loving, romantic, deferential, and fun marriage that they have!

Yes, you read that title right! Our twenty-one year old engaged son (soon to be married–in four months!) NEEDS his parents.

(As a side note, ever since we have had sixteen, eighteen, and twenty year olds, we have believed that sixteen to twenty is actually the highest need time for our kids in terms of parental guidance and input….but that is another post for another day.)

There are key things that we can do to help Jonathan be a great boyfriend, awesome fiance–and soon, fantastic husband!

BFFs for two years; a couple for two more; engaged for six months–the sweet, happy couple

Jonathan and Maelynn have been engaged for six months, a couple for two and a half years, and best friends for two years prior to that. Jonathan is our third child to get married, so we have quite a bit of experience in the boyfriend/fiance department (as well as a mishap or two along the way–there is no perfect way to help our kids find their way in the romantic relationship/marriage department!).

We have been extremely active in Jonathan and Maelynn’s relationship from the beginning (as we have been for all three marrieds and another daughter in a serious relationship now). But not just Mom and Dad–the siblings kept their phones handy on the night that Jonathan was to propose–and texts, pictures, well-wishes, and love you’s were flying across cell phone lines throughout the night.

So here are five ways we can help our sons be good boyfriends/fiances–with this list making the assumption that said son is old enough to get married or consider getting married and the girl he is in a relationship with will likely become his wife in due time. (When to start relationships, lengths of relationships, serial dating, etc., are all topics for another post, again, on another day.)

One of the perks of being in a great relationship with your kids–getting to help them plan the fun things of life–here Ray is helping the kids plan and reserve their honeymoon!

1. Start with YOUR relationship with your son

In other words, don’t let him get himself into just any relationship. As Jonathan and Maelynn’s friendship grew, so did our time with Jonathan. There was a lot to do emotionally and spiritually, after all!

We were there from the beginning—helping him decide how to pursue the relationship, coaching him on how to talk with her dad, encouraging him to tell her his heart, and guiding him in the path that appeared to be unfolding before him.

By starting the relationship with our sons, we can help them during the initial stages–help them avoid heartache, see things that they cannot see, etc. Obviously, this “starting the relationship with him” takes a lot of pre-relationship heart work. We had to have such a strong relationship with Jonathan (and Joshua, age thirty-one, ten years ago) that he WANTED us to be a part of what was going on–that he sought out our counsel, encouragement, wise words, vision, etc. (See TEENS posts at Raising Kids With Character!)

Family days can provide lots of time to talk, see how the relationship is progressing, have fun, and help our son learn how to be the best boyfriend ever!

2. Be available for both of them

When Jonathan and Maelynn became a couple (and had both parents’ blessings to pursue each other), one of the first things that we did was take them to dinner and tell them flat out that we were available. I believe my husband’s words were something like “We are super excited about your relationship and really pray that it works out wonderfully. We want you to know that we are always available for you. That we will be here to cheer you, to support you, to encourage you, to help you. That we are always here.”

Then we followed up–texts to both of them help us keep a pulse on the relationship. Time with just the four of us when they are home from college gives us further glimpses into the hearts of these amazing young people. Long phone calls about wedding plans (okay, and yes, spread sheets that I make in Excel to help them stay on track with wedding preps!) continue to let them know that these parents aren’t going anywhere any time soon.

3. Check on the girl’s heart through your son

Boys are not naturally sensitive, intuitive beings (okay, I’ll say it–men are not naturally this way either). Jonathan has unusual kindness, sensitivity, intuitiveness, and compassion–but even he overlooks things in their relationship at times.

We constantly check with Jonathan on Maelynn’s heart: “How do you think Maelynn feels about that?” “Did Maelynn say that is what she wants too?” “Is Maelynn still struggling with this or that? If so, how are you helping her?” “How have you deferred to Maelynn lately?” “Are you putting her first after the Lord–and does she know it?”

Without Jonathan even realizing it, we are helping him learn to be the type of husband that Maelynn will want in the future. We are actually “parenting”–but without curfews, punishments, or constant lessons. These “heart checks” continually give Jonathan the tools he needs to grow as a fiance’.

With these “Maelynn heart checks” also come encouragement and affirmation for Jonathan when he is being a great fiance. During a recent phone conversation I had with Jonathan, he said that he had asked Maelynn specifically what she wanted to do on the four year anniversary of her mother’s death–and then he told me that they had taken the afternoon off from school and walked on Lake Michigan (near their campus), talked about her mom and anything Maelynn wanted to talk about, then read together from “Five Love Languages” (not sure where he ever got such a notion!! ; 0 ). That evening they watched a movie and relaxed. He had discovered what his girl needed on this difficult day and set out to make it happen.

I gushed, “Oh Jonathan. You are such an amazing fiance. You seek out Maelynn’s needs and then try to meet them. That was so special. I am so proud of you for your sensitivity and care for her.” See—teaching, training, encouraging, and affirming–all because of availability and asking the right questions.

4. Check on the couple’s physical relationship often

My husband is the type of father who loves to ask questions. He feels that the kids can learn more through their answers to our questions than they would if we just gave them the answer or told them how we wanted things.

The same is true in the area of romance. When our kids begin a relationship, he asks them what their physical plans are, point blank. “Do you see yourselves holding hands or hugging?” “How about arms around each other or leaning on each other while watching a movie?” “Do you plan to kiss during the courtship period, engagement period, or not at all (before marriage) on the lips?”

Then he listens. Then he gives them input. (“You guys have a long three years ahead of you in this relationship. I agree that kissing should be reserved for the engagement period.”) He can confirm, add to, give advice, etc., because he asked them first. And then, guess what? They ask him what he thinks! (Sneaky, huh???)

Ray asks them how they are going to stay true to their commitments in this area first (again). We help them design safeguards for their physical relationship–no kissing in the car, no being alone at one of your homes, etc.

Once the parameters have been set in the physical relationship (by the couple, with our input), we can help them stay true to their physical commitments. Ray has asked our sons who have been in relationships exactly how things are going on a regular basis.

We are helping our son be a good boyfriend (then fiance–and eventually husband) when we walk through appropriate physical contact with them from the beginning–and check on them often. Our future daughter-in-law deserves a husband who keeps his word and loves her enough to honor their pre-marital intimacy decisions.

5. Encourage your son to have fun and make things special

We want all of our married kids to be hopeless romantics like us!

Ray and I are hopeless romantics! We ballroom dance nearly every weekend because with each song “there is a three minute period in which nobody needs anything and the only people in the world are the two of us.” (Told you we were hopeless!)

And we encourage our kids in relationships to be romantic, spontaneous, fun, and surprise-filled. When Jonathan and Maelynn first started dating two and a half years ago, Ray told them to make a list of all the fun things they wanted to do together during their summer school break (after work, of course!). He told them to check it every week and be sure to do something fun each week.

Long mornings at an old, dusty book shop, long walks in the park, singing together, movies, and concerts are some of the fun things Jonathan and Maelynn enjoy doing together.

Before they got engaged six months ago, the entire family called Jonathan one-by-one to offer advice on the perfect engagement night. It was loads of fun–and encouraged Jonathan to not just get engaged but to really GET ENGAGED! 😉

A couple of days before the big night, when Jonathan was heading out to go back to college, my husband slid him a fifty dollar bill and told him to “go ahead and take her to The Melting Pot. You want this night to be as special as it can be.” Yes, I had to go two weeks without a dinner date with my husband–but it was worth it to us to help Jonathan afford a super special engagement night. Encourage romance in your son–this really makes a girlfriend/fiance happy!

We even tell the boys that it is Scriptural to have fun and “cheer” your wife: “When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business; but he shall be free at home one years, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken” (Deuteronomy 24:5). I know, I know…taking a verse out of context, but doesn’t that verse say something about how God views a marriage relationship and the husband’s role to make the wife happy????

Occasionally, we just ask Jonathan, “Other than studying together for twelve hours on Saturday, what special thing did you do with Maelynn this weekend?” It can be as simple as walking downtown Chicago, playing in the game room at the college, or renting a movie for the two of them–but we don’t want him to skip special things even in the midst of busy-ness (and two very serious, studious college kids!).

Additionally, we like to have fun with the sweet couple. It isn’t uncommon at all for Jonathan to get a text from me giving him a potential schedule for when he is coming home to see if he and Maelynn can join us for pizza night, game night, park day, or a movie out. Being in these settings with the two of them helps us see how their relationship is going and what we can recommend to Jonathan to be a better boyfriend/fiance.

Fun family times with the couple also give us chances to listen to Maelynn when she talks and point out little things that Jonathan might miss. (It isn’t uncommon at all to hear my husband talking to one of the marrieds or dating kids on the phone and say, “I heard ____ say this the other night. What do you think he/she is feeling?” OR “When ____ said this, I didn’t feel like you were really listening.”) In addition to potentially helping a current situation, we are also helping to train our son or daughter’s ears for really listening to the other person.

Trust me, you WANT your son to be a good boyfriend/fiance to the woman he is going to marry because it lays the groundwork for his marriage relationship. This is the perfect opportunity for us to help our son hone the relationship skills (empathy, kindness, generosity, compassion, selflessness, love, deference, etc.) that he has been learning at home for the past eighteen or twenty years. Our training years are not over just because our son is in a serious relationship. He still needs us–and his girlfriend/fiance will be overjoyed that we helped him become a better boyfriend/fiance!

Pre-marital time with his girlfriend/fiance is the perfect opportunity for him to hone those relationship skills and character qualities that he has been learning at home since he was little.

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One way that we have tried to have one-on-one conversations with our children, in spite of there being seven of them, is to take a child with us in the vehicle whenever possible. We began this custom when we just had three small children, making it a point to always “take whomever had shoes on” with us when one of us ran an errand.

Through the years, our custom has become a little more sophisticated (especially now that the kids are older and not always available to go run errands). Now we focus not on who has shoes on but rather on who needs Mom or Dad the most at that time. It is not uncommon for us to discuss the week in terms of kids’ needs and for one of us to say, “Why don’t you have ______ ride up with you to see your mom Wednesday night, so the two of you have a chance to talk about that.” Whatever that might be.

Of course, good discussion can also take place in the vehicle with more than one child with you. We had three girls in a row followed by three boys in a row (after our first child, a boy). This made it particularly good for talking in groups, and it wasn’t uncommon for the boys and Dad to have “Daddy talks” while en route places. (And I could never disclose the contents of those talks!)

Sometimes deep discussions did not take place. Sometimes we just talked about what we saw outside (more on that tomorrow!). Other times, it was just like the quote above by AA Milne—and the child just needed to “be sure of us.”

In case you think that taking a child one-at-a-time is still not that important, let me leave you with this thought: We have had children repent of deceit, cry their eyes out over a broken heart, and even accept Christ as their Savior in a vehicle, one-on-one with Mom and/or Dad. We actually had our oldest child reveal to the two of us whom he thought he wanted to marry (and he did several months later) in the drive-through of a fast food restaurant. Never underestimate time spent with Dad and Mom alone doing something as mundane as running errands!

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The homeschooled kids in our area start out young (as early as ten years old with their parent) serving in the One Heart Disability Ministry. Look at the joy that children bring to those with disabilities!

A Facebook post just came through from my daughter and her husband concerning their 

disability ministry, One Heart:


“Got some sad news this morning that Charlie, one of our dear One Heart members passed away this Wednesday night. Charlie always made us smile and brought us joy. I bet he’s bringing other people joy in Heaven now! He always answered questions about the Bible with, ‘Jesus died on the cross for us.’ What a simple, amazing truth. Last year at the Talent Show he sang ‘Jesus Loves Me.’ So blessed that he was part of our lives!”

My son-in-law Joseph with Charlie If you have heard Ray and I speak in our parenting seminar, “Raising Kids With Character,” or at a homeschooling convention, you know that we are big advocates of teaching children to serve at young ages. You might also know that we believe there is a hierarchy of service outlined in the Bible that teaches children to serve the Lord at home–to serve their own families—first, followed by reaching out to those locally and finally to the “uttermost parts of the world.” “Journey Through Easter”–drama and walk through (with petting zoo!)–is always a hit with the One Heart attendees Without going into the entire seminar session, I will give you some keys that have led us to this thought process: 1. “To whom much is given, much is expected.” 2. “He who does not provide for his own family is worse than an infidel.” 3. Parable of the talents 4. Serve in your own “Jerusalem” then your state/region….then the uttermost parts of the earth One of my sons helping a One Heart client fill in his VBS book We began this teaching with our kids when they were two or three years old–teaching them to pick up around the house, unload the silverware in the dishwasher, help put away laundry, etc. Then they continued to learn household skills that they could/would eventually use in serving others. As they grew, they served with us–starting with setting up chairs for small group or homeschool support group meetings and moving into going with us to nursing homes and other local outreaches.  Soon the time came for them to go “out” and serve others–that is, they had learned to serve their family so well and so cheerfully and so diligently that they could take the skills that they had learned here and serve on their own. The skills that we have built into our children during their formative years–cooking, cleaning, organizing, serving, music, drama, reading, writing, leading, Bible teaching/studying, etc.—are used over and over by our young adults in their various ministries This has looked different for different kids–from preaching in young adult services to leading/directing dramas in church to singing on the praise team to working in children’s ministries (locally and at state homeschool conventions) to “going to the uttermost parts of the earth”–such as taking wheelchairs around the world with Joni and Friends; serving at state capitols every weekday for a semester; leading drama teams of teens in summer drama traveling around the midwest or southern USA; and even starting a ministry that would some day reach over one hundred disabled adults every week for many years. Boys’ sports night (along with a trophy for each client!) is always a hit with the One Heart male clients The latter is what this post is going to focus on–and the impact that teaching our children to minister to “the least of these” really has on our children–and their futures. When our third child, Cami, was seventeen years old, she served at a Joni and Friends Family Retreat (the world-wide disability ministry of Joni Ereckson Tada) for two weeks. At the end of the retreat, she told the leaders there that she wanted to do something similar to the retreat back home–on an ongoing basis. They told her to go back to her pastors and tell them and see what she can start.  One Heart “Special Deliveries” is a yearly outreach to nearly three hundred disabled adults in the Fort Wayne, Indiana area Cami was a senior in high school when she began the One Heart Disability Ministry (One heart…one soul..is worth it…). She had trouble getting volunteers (it is difficult to work with disabled people–and many adults do not want to get involved), but she started rounding up her younger sister and little brothers and their friends, and before she knew it, she had a weekly ministry, sort of a “Sunday school” every Tuesday night for adults with cognitive disabilities. And it grew. And grew. And grew. The joy that One Heart brings to the lives of those who attend is unmistakable Within two years, she had her associates degree in church ministry with an emphasis on disability ministry, and she was asked to come on staff at the church as the Disability Ministry Director, the “official” head of One Heart Disability Ministry. Four years ago Cami married a young man who has a paraplegic brother and cousin with severe brain injury–and also a heart for the disabled and broken, much like Cami has. They have continued leading One Heart together with their combined compassion, love, and selflessness. In addition to the weekly services that are held with over one hundred disabled attendees all throughout the school year, One Heart delivers gifts and goodies to up to three hundred disabled adults in the Fort Wayne are every Christmas, hosts a summer VBS, and has other special events throughout the year.  My message today is not what kids can do when they are trained in so many skills (that would take a book–and I would love to write it!); nor is it about having kids serve in general (though that is a good idea too!). My message today is this: Teaching our children to minister to “the least of these”–the widows, elderly, disabled, and orphaned–has the potential of having a bigger impact than almost any other ministry or service opportunity they could do. Why do you suppose this is the case? It is consistent with Scripture–“do not only invite those who can invite you back”; “care for the widows and orphans”; and Jesus’ ministry to the blind, mentally challenged, poor, hungry, homeless, etc. It builds an empathy in our children that cannot be duplicated anywhere else. Truly, we can tell them there are poor children who do not have enough to eat, but until they serve food to them in a summer ministry in the park, they cannot comprehend that. We can tell them that there are people whose brains do not work like ours do and they cannot do for themselves, but until they go week after week and listen to these people tell the same stories over and over or teach them to color or tell them about Jesus, they cannot FEEL the feelings that we should as Christians feel for those less fortunate than we. Our four youngest children started working in One Heart with Cami as soon as they could be trusted to fully obey their older siblings and really work hard without parental supervision (not be tempted to play ball in the gym during the gym night but instead stay focused on the people they were there to serve). This was between the ages of eight and ten for all of them.  And as a result, they are four of the most sensitive, compassionate kids I have ever known.  Would they have developed this sensitivity and compassion without serving “the least of these” in an ongoing manner?  Maybe. Maybe not. But I know that this consistent outreach–having to give up their own interests one evening a week, being responsible for their parts (teaching, serving refreshments, leading games and crafts, etc.), and learning to love and reach out to those who are “different” and extremely-mentally challenged–has had a huge impact on the kinds of people that they are growing up to be.  P.S. Cami and Joseph are expecting their first baby in January, and Cami recently posted the status below. It is such a blessing to think that my grandson is going to start learning to serve “the least of these” from babyhood. “Funny story from One Heart last night….(this is even better than last week’s story!) I (Cami) was closing the evening in prayer with a full classroom of people and as I stood in front with my eyes closed, I feel someone patting my belly. I look down (mid prayer) and I see Susie, a One Heart member with down syndrome, just patting my belly and smiling as if she was talking to the baby. It was adorable and hilarious all at the same time. I got through the prayer without cracking up too much and dismissed everyone. Love it that the One Heart people are so excited about our baby. Can’t wait until he is here and can meet everyone. He is loved already!”

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Once school starts and the textbooks have been previewed, you can help your students get into good homework habits by doing their homework with them for a few weeks. 


Here are some tips along those lines:


1. Taking the textbook preview further


There are a number of ways that you can take the previewing of textbooks that I discussed yesterday even further with your children for more comprehension of the material:


a. Do his first few assignments out of the book with him, pointing out the things again that you observed in your first preview. This will help him see that those things are not just good things to know, but also helpful for completely homework quicker and more accurately.


b. Help him prepare for his first test with his textbook and you by his side. Show him how he can use the glossary, sidebars, table of contents, etc. to quickly fill in his study guide or quickly determine what the most important aspects of the chapter are in order to prepare for a test.


c. As you are previewing a text (for the first time or an additional time), use a large sticky note to record what you find. Write the title of the text at the top, then make notes about what it contains as far as study and homework helps. Stick this in the front of his textbook and help him refer to it when he is doing homework or test preparation. You could even record a plus and minus system, such as



+++ means something is going to be really helpful—a +++ beside the Table of Contents, for instance



+ beside a word he writes in the front of his book tells him that this might be somewhat helpful—Example: +Some graphs



– No study questions at end of chapter—again, he can make a list in the front of his book (on a large sticky note), etc. 



d. Help him “label” different sections of his book with sticky notes along the edges. For example, you could put a yellow one at the beginning of each chapter and a pink one on the page that has definitions for that chapter, etc.






2. Prepare your younger student for textbooks by using user-friendly non-fiction books

Maybe you are not in the textbook stage with your kids; however, you can begin preparing them for those all important study skills that I described yesterday with quality non-fiction books. If kids at ages five, six, eight, and ten, learn to navigate around Dorling Kindersley, Eyewitness, and Usborne books (among many others), they will be heads and shoulders above other children who have only been exposed to fictional stories (more on the benefits of fiction later!). 

These outstanding non-fiction books have literally hundreds of topics that interest kids, but they are so colorful and alluring, you do not feel like you are “teaching” at all. Additionally, they have many aspects that your child’s future textbooks will also have: glossaries, Tables of Contents, sidebars, graphs, pictures, inserts, definitions, bold font, italics, etc. Reading these to and with your children when they are younger will provide a natural step into textbooks later on.


Note: We teach our students (in our home, our cottage classes, and in our language arts books) a simple memory device for remembering fiction and non-fiction:

Fiction=fake (both begin with f)

Non-fiction=not fake (both begin with nf)

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I LOVE TO WATCH YOU…


Article from blog:

Affirmation. Words of encouragement. Words of praise. Words of confirmation. Words of affection. Words of pride. Words of belonging. These all describe that one word–affirmation.

I recently read an article about a study of hundreds of college athletes that lasted over three decades. In this article,  “What Makes a Nightmare Sports Parent and What Makes a Great One.” these college athletes described two things that are poignant for parents of all children, including non-athletes.

The first question they answered was “What is your worst memory from playing youth and high school sports?”

The majority of those surveyed said, “The ride home from games with my parents.”

(If you have read much of what we have written or heard us speak often, you know that we focus on riding with our children in the van or car as one of the key opportunities to teach, affirm, talk, love, and train. It breaks my heart that this “sacred time” is remembered as one of the most dreadful times for these hundreds of athletes.)

Of course, we can all imagine why–because there probably isn’t a parent reading this (author included) who hasn’t come down on a child on the drive home from something about his performance–teacher conferences, speech contest, debate tournament, soccer game, swim meet, even pick-up basketball games are all opportunities to “teach” our child what he did “wrong” in the aforementioned event. 

My husband, who is truly the best dad I know, one who talks to his kids on the phone and in person quite literally hours every day, even does this, so I know it is hard to conquer. And it isn’t always the parent’s fault either–as I know our kids usually probe on the way home from a performance, sermon, or song. They ask us questions that make us feel like we should be “teaching” at that time. 

However, we really need to resist the urge to teach at that time. My experience has been that they ask and ask, but they really don’t want a lesson. They really just want to hear the positive at that time. I have to remind myself that there will be time for teaching and lessons later–when the performance, sermon, or song isn’t so fresh.

The study went on to prove this point further by telling how the kids described their joy over grandparents attending their sporting events. It seems that grandparents are more likely to watch, cheer, and then praise–with no lessons or strings attached. 

Turning from the negative and what not-to-do, to the positive, these same athletes were asked what their parents did right–what made them feel good about themselves and their performances. The majority of them said that they were filled with joy when their parents simply said six little words:

 “I love to watch you play.”

No lessons, lectures, or analyses. Just six simple words that made hundreds of college and professional athletes look back on their time following sporting events with their parents fondly.

And six little words that we can use to affirm our children all the time. 

I was happy to read this article because one of my favorite buzz lines after my kids perform is 

I could watch you _________________ forever. 

I could watch you dance forever. I could watch you sing forever. I could watch you preach forever. I could watch you teach forever. I could watch you act forever. I could watch you direct forever. I could watch you lead forever. I could watch you play forever. I could watch you study forever. 

The thing about these lines—I love to watch you…. or I could watch you ….. forever—is that our child doesn’t have to be the best to say these things. He doesn’t have to have just played a perfect game. He doesn’t have to have just scored the winning run. He doesn’t have to have given a flawless performance. 

He is our child. We love to watch him grow, do, be, become. We are saying that the child is so amazing to us–without being the gold medal winner. We are saying that he is important. That we want to be with him. That we love to watch him do what he loves to do.

We are affirming. With six little words.

I love to watch you….

Link for original article:
https://characterinkblog.com/i-love-to-watch-you/

A is for AFFIRMATION!

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