In my last blog post, I talked about how to determine which traditions to keep for everybody and which traditions will likely go by the wayside. These are obviously very personal decisions – and you will probably want to discuss these with your older children.

There are some other traditions that we have kept in part. These traditions are ones that we still do with our at-home kids, but we invite the olders to as well.

The key to having traditions that you want to include everybody for but that you do not want to obligate them to is to use the phrasing that my husband uses all the time in dealing with our older children:

This is an invitation, not an obligation!

This is not only a Christmas tip, but if you have older kids, especially if they are married, you want them to feel included, but at the same time it is unwise to put pressure on them to do and be everything – especially when it comes to extended family. If our older children went to every single event that the grandparents and the grandparents’ siblings have, Memorial Day parties, Christmas get-togethers, etc., they would not have enough time for their own families.

The same thing is true with things that we continued on at Christmas time with our tweens and teens as the older siblings went to college and/or got married. We want to make the adults feel included, but we do not want to infringe on their own family life.

So for some of our Christmas festivities, those that they and we have determined together will not necessarily always include everybody, we remind them that this is an “invitation, not obligation.”

We say this often, and we want them to know that we mean it. We want them to put their own families first. We want them to put their spouse before their siblings. We want them to put their home about their parents. This wording gives them the freedom to do so – and remind them continually that we place a high importance upon their adult lives.

See this post where I describe our “in-laws-first Christmas”—and why I recommend having this!

P.S. Don’t forget to check out the podcast episode about Christmas With College and Adult Kids!

The post Christmas With College & Adult Children: Invitation vs. Obligation appeared first on Character Ink.

One of the things that was difficult for me in having college and adult kids with Christmas was not being able to continue all of the traditions that we had formally done. I mentioned earlier that through homeschooling, we actually spent a lot of time on Christmas. Our entire December was centered around Christmas readings, unit studies, Christmas baking and cooking, and more.

As our oldest child was married and in the next two girls were in college, they were home less and less. At first, I continued the traditions during the daytime with my kids were still homeschooling. But what was I going to do about the evening and weekend traditions?

One of the things that I had to decide early on was which traditions were important enough to try to include everybody and which traditions were not. When our son was first married, we decorated for Christmas without him – four months after his wedding. Imagine my surprise when he came into the house, to all the Christmas decorations and the tree, and was nearly teary-eyed. “You decorated without us?” I was heartbroken! Here I had been trying not to impose upon him and his new wife, and I left him out of something that was very important to him. A couple of years later, our oldest daughter, our second child, was in Texas in college. The kids went together and flew her home for two days just so that she would not miss decorating.

So I learned early on that decorating for Christmas was one tradition that the kids would want to keep even as adults. Yes, this was something to keep for the entire family.

So one thing I recommend with older children is to decide with the kids what things are important enough to save for when they’re home from college and for the local adult kids, and which things would just be for the at-home kids.

This will obviously be based on trial and error like ours above as well as on what you have just found are most memorable to your kids.

Here are some traditions that we keep with our college and adult kids in part or in whole:

1. Christmas decorating night – this is a party night for our family, and nobody wants to miss it. We have purposely moved this to be Thanksgiving weekend when the college kids are home. We have continued with our appetizer party, Nativity setting up (dozens of nativities of various sizes), drawing of names for the sibling exchange (a new tradition–see future post), putting up the tree and decorating with our homemade ornaments that we made in our unit studies throughout the years, reading Christmas stories, singing carols, and just being together.

2. Our own Christmas eve – we always had a protocol of a party on Christmas eve with a few presents and lots of games followed by our traditional Christmas day. Even though once our children began getting married, I gave Christmas eve and Christmas day to my children-in-laws’ families (see future post!), everybody still wanted a Christmas eve and Christmas day at home. Thus, our own Christmas eve – filled with games, fun exchanges, appetizers, stories, songs, and staying up half of the night – continued on but just on a different day other than Christmas eve. It is not uncommon at all for us to have our “Christmas eve” on December 27, 28, or 29. It doesn’t matter to any of us, just so we have a Christmas eve.

3. Our own Christmas day – even when our kids were little, we did the grandparent thing whenever that was held, but had our own Christmas day – regardless of whether that was on the 25th. What I mean by that is that if we had a lot to do on the 25th with extended family, we made the 26th or the 27th our Christmas day. This was something that the older kids wanted to continue, and we do so today. So we have our Christmas eve whenever we can find an open evening and has the next day free – and the next day is our Christmas day. The Christmas story, exchanging gifts, playing games, taking naps, and having a Christmas dinner are all still the things that we do on our very own “Christmas day” with all seven of our children and any spouses (and now a grandbaby!).

There are other things that we intersperse here and there, like our “White Christmas night,” which I talk about in another post. We also about every other year do a big family Christmas outing, just like we used to do when the kids were little – for anybody who is available. This usually involves a local play or the Star of Bethlehem planetarium show, etc. While everybody is not available for these, we do try to open these to anybody who can come.

Stay with us as we talk about “invitation vs. obligation” in a few days!

P.S. Listen to the podcast episode,”Christmas With College and Adult Children,” in which I give all of the upcoming posts orally with a succinct handout for you! 🙂

The post Christmas With College & Adult Children: Continuing Earlier Traditions appeared first on Character Ink.

Tenth Grade: Work on whatever type of writing is needed for your student next.

In high school, writing demands should be based, in part, on what the student needs at that time. I often have students who are writing for me in class as well as writing college entrance letters, SAT essays, contests projects, and more. If at all possible, we should focus on the type of writing that the student needs next. These tips explain this further..

The post A Writing Tip for Tenth Grade appeared first on Character Ink.

1. Which Traditions to Continue

A. Find out from children

i. Joshua’s first Christmas married
ii. Kayla flying home

B. Our “always” ones

i. Christmas decorating night
ii. Our own “Christmas Eve”
iii. Our own “Christmas Day”

2. The In-Laws-First Christmas

3. Part Or All Involved

A. Invitation vs. Obligation

B. Some we still do with part of the family

i. Christmas stories
ii. Christmas movies (“White Christmas Night”)
iii. Family Christmas outing
iv. Movie theater on Christmas night

4. Family Unity With College & Adult Children at Christmas

1. Continue with past traditions that bind your family together
2. Consider a sibling gift exchange
3. Consider a group gift
4. Make kids’ favorite foods
5. Reminisce
6. Do some things you have always done
7. Play group games
8. Make new members feel welcome

5. Our Christmas Day

A. Traditions
B. Gift Ideas
C. Food

Links:

 
Christmas With College & Adult Children Series:

• Introduction
• Continue Earlier Traditions
• Invitation Vs. Obligation
• The In-Laws-First Christmas
• Other Traditions With All or Part of the Family
• Our Christmas Eve Games
• Group Gifts
• Mistletoe & Chapstick
• Family Unity at Christmas
• Our Family Decorating Night
• Plastic Wrap Christmas – Big Kid Fun!
   

Listen to the podcast here!

The post Podcast Notes for “Christmas With College & Adult Children Part 1” appeared first on Character Ink.

Donna Reish, of Raising Kids With Character and Character Ink Press, brings you answers to questions about celebrating Christmas with college and adult children. From how to include marrieds and college kids to gift ideas and party games, Donna loves sharing about her family’s traditions and celebrations. 

Download the podcast notes here.

Listen to previous podcasts here.

The post Podcast: Christmas With College & Adult Children Part I appeared first on Character Ink.

Listen to the podcast here!

TWO CHOICES in “CLEP-ping”

(1) ALL (or nearly all) of a degree earned through CLEPs
(2) CLEP in lieu of taking courses in your degree (to save time and money)

ALL CLEP (or Nearly All) Considerations

1. Super great study skills/tester
2. Doesn’t mind having a less “distinguished degree”
3. Is getting a less specialized degree (more liberal arts/humanities/social
work/history/psychology, communications, etc.)
4. Can save TONS of money (especially over living on campus and getting a degree)

NOTE: While one consideration is a great testing/outstanding study skills, oftentimes the students who have those skills do not enjoy CLEPping as they love to go to school, take classes, etc.

ALL CLEP (or Nearly All) STEPS

1. Research degrees available thoroughly (Thomas Edison College or College Plus Program)
2. Hone study skills
3. Make a plan (College Plus does this for you—week by week, test by test; Thomas Edison College has the degrees laid out, but you determine your study schedule/testing schedule)

CLEP Some Classes Considerations

1. The CLEPped class does not affect GPA
2. Great way to get some courses behind you (especially while still in high school)
3. Save some money (potentially one year of college?)
4. Have to really know where you’re headed for this to save time and money (otherwise you might CLEP a class that your college will not accept or that is not needed for your
degree, etc.)

CLEP Some Classes STEPS

1. Choose potential majors and list all courses each major requires (print these off from
the college you might attend)
2. Venn diagram or highlight the ones that merge
3. List all potential colleges
4. From the merged list of classes, see which classes are able to be CLEPped from
the colleges you are considering.

Sources

1. Accelerated Distance Learning by Brad Voeller (affiliate link)
2. Thomas Edison College—college that offers alternative degrees
through CLEP tests, DANTES, T-CEP, credit for experience, and/or portfolios
(all distance degrees)
3. College Plus—complete college testing program to earn a degree

Download these notes here!

The post Podcast Notes for “CLEP Testing for College Credit and/or a College Degree” appeared first on Character Ink.

Donna Reish, of Character Ink Press and Raising Kids With Character, brings you this episode about CLEP testing for college credit. Donna describes the two primary reasons for taking CLEP (College Level Equivalency Program) tests: (1) To test out of an entire degree (or most of it); (2) To earn college credit towards a degree that the student will be pursuing or is pursuing. She explains the steps her family has gone through to use the CLEP for both approaches (as some classes toward a nursing degree, for 3/4 of a degree, and for all of a degree except for two classes for which there were no tests available). She then details the steps you will want to go through to get the most out of this college testing option, focusing on how to decide if a student would be a good CLEP candidate, how to choose the exams to take, and how to prepare for the exams.

Download the podcast notes here.

Listen to previous podcasts here.

Do you have a question you would like answered in an upcoming podcast episode?  Email me here! -Donna

The post Podcast: CLEP Testing for College Credit and/or a College Degree appeared first on Character Ink.

Listen to the podcast here!

Goals

1. To be able to have significant impact on your child between the ages of seventeen and twenty-two or so

2. To help your child out financially in a way that fits your budget

3. To alleviate financial pressure on a young adult who is trying to start out on his own/preparing for marriage

4. To phase into that next relationship level with your young adults in order to make your relationship strong

Considerations

1. Treat your child like any adult guest in your home

2. Spreading out work so that your “guest” does his share

3. Enforcing house rules upon an “adult”

4. Using a contract between parents and child if needed

5. When a child needs to move out

6. Creating strong bonds of relationship during this time

Links

1. Podcast episode: Recipe for Rebellion

2. Blog Post: Four Things Teens and Young Adults Need

3. Blog Post: Why We Have Wanted Our Teens and Young Adults Mentored by Adults

4. Blog Post: Dads, What Gate Are You Standing By

5. Blog Post: Raising Tweens and Teens With Character seminar

6. Blog Post: Helping Your Son Be a Better Boyfriend

7. Podcast: When to Give Chances and When to Take Action–The Mulligan

Listen to the podcast here!

The post Podcast Notes for “College & Young Adult Kids Living At Home” appeared first on Character Ink.

Donna Reish, of Character Ink Press and Raising Kids With Character seminar and blog, brings you some answers to questions that have been submitted about college kids and young adults living at home. Most of the Reish children have lived at home for at least two years of their college years (or more), so Ray and Donna have some significant insights to help families help their young adults to become independent while still in their parents’ home. Donna elaborates on the importance of this time period–and how to be sure it is not ruined by miscommunication, mistreatment (i.e. treating the adult children like little kids), unrealistic expectations, too much freedom
that leads to taking improper advantage of the living situation, and much more. She also explains how they have enjoyed these years with their young adults immensely. Lastly, she offers a “rough draft” contract that parents can tweak and use to help their situation work out well for both the young adult and the parents/siblings at home.

Download the podcast notes here.

Listen to previous podcasts here.

 Click HERE to subscribe to our weekly e-newsletters and receive this FREE download the Living At Home Contract.  Already subscribed?  You’ll find link in this week’s newsletter for this download 🙂

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The post Podcast: College & Young Adult Kids Living At Home appeared first on Character Ink.

Our son and daughter-in-law whom this post is based on are coming up to their first anniversary of marriage. And we were so thankful that we helped guide them through their dating and engagement years. Thought we would re-run this one as it is almost always pertinent to someone! 🙂

Our first “guinea pig”! Our first born child, Joshua (31), with his wife of ten years. They put up with our novice parenting skills during their courtship and engagements–but I am so thrilled with the loving, romantic, deferential, and fun marriage that they have!

Yes, you read that title right! Our twenty-one year old engaged son (soon to be married–in four months!) NEEDS his parents.

(As a side note, ever since we have had sixteen, eighteen, and twenty year olds, we have believed that sixteen to twenty is actually the highest need time for our kids in terms of parental guidance and input….but that is another post for another day.)

There are key things that we can do to help Jonathan be a great boyfriend, awesome fiance–and soon, fantastic husband!

BFFs for two years; a couple for two more; engaged for six months–the sweet, happy couple

Jonathan and Maelynn have been engaged for six months, a couple for two and a half years, and best friends for two years prior to that. Jonathan is our third child to get married, so we have quite a bit of experience in the boyfriend/fiance department (as well as a mishap or two along the way–there is no perfect way to help our kids find their way in the romantic relationship/marriage department!).

We have been extremely active in Jonathan and Maelynn’s relationship from the beginning (as we have been for all three marrieds and another daughter in a serious relationship now). But not just Mom and Dad–the siblings kept their phones handy on the night that Jonathan was to propose–and texts, pictures, well-wishes, and love you’s were flying across cell phone lines throughout the night.

So here are five ways we can help our sons be good boyfriends/fiances–with this list making the assumption that said son is old enough to get married or consider getting married and the girl he is in a relationship with will likely become his wife in due time. (When to start relationships, lengths of relationships, serial dating, etc., are all topics for another post, again, on another day.)

One of the perks of being in a great relationship with your kids–getting to help them plan the fun things of life–here Ray is helping the kids plan and reserve their honeymoon!

1. Start with YOUR relationship with your son

In other words, don’t let him get himself into just any relationship. As Jonathan and Maelynn’s friendship grew, so did our time with Jonathan. There was a lot to do emotionally and spiritually, after all!

We were there from the beginning—helping him decide how to pursue the relationship, coaching him on how to talk with her dad, encouraging him to tell her his heart, and guiding him in the path that appeared to be unfolding before him.

By starting the relationship with our sons, we can help them during the initial stages–help them avoid heartache, see things that they cannot see, etc. Obviously, this “starting the relationship with him” takes a lot of pre-relationship heart work. We had to have such a strong relationship with Jonathan (and Joshua, age thirty-one, ten years ago) that he WANTED us to be a part of what was going on–that he sought out our counsel, encouragement, wise words, vision, etc. (See TEENS posts at Raising Kids With Character!)

Family days can provide lots of time to talk, see how the relationship is progressing, have fun, and help our son learn how to be the best boyfriend ever!

2. Be available for both of them

When Jonathan and Maelynn became a couple (and had both parents’ blessings to pursue each other), one of the first things that we did was take them to dinner and tell them flat out that we were available. I believe my husband’s words were something like “We are super excited about your relationship and really pray that it works out wonderfully. We want you to know that we are always available for you. That we will be here to cheer you, to support you, to encourage you, to help you. That we are always here.”

Then we followed up–texts to both of them help us keep a pulse on the relationship. Time with just the four of us when they are home from college gives us further glimpses into the hearts of these amazing young people. Long phone calls about wedding plans (okay, and yes, spread sheets that I make in Excel to help them stay on track with wedding preps!) continue to let them know that these parents aren’t going anywhere any time soon.

3. Check on the girl’s heart through your son

Boys are not naturally sensitive, intuitive beings (okay, I’ll say it–men are not naturally this way either). Jonathan has unusual kindness, sensitivity, intuitiveness, and compassion–but even he overlooks things in their relationship at times.

We constantly check with Jonathan on Maelynn’s heart: “How do you think Maelynn feels about that?” “Did Maelynn say that is what she wants too?” “Is Maelynn still struggling with this or that? If so, how are you helping her?” “How have you deferred to Maelynn lately?” “Are you putting her first after the Lord–and does she know it?”

Without Jonathan even realizing it, we are helping him learn to be the type of husband that Maelynn will want in the future. We are actually “parenting”–but without curfews, punishments, or constant lessons. These “heart checks” continually give Jonathan the tools he needs to grow as a fiance’.

With these “Maelynn heart checks” also come encouragement and affirmation for Jonathan when he is being a great fiance. During a recent phone conversation I had with Jonathan, he said that he had asked Maelynn specifically what she wanted to do on the four year anniversary of her mother’s death–and then he told me that they had taken the afternoon off from school and walked on Lake Michigan (near their campus), talked about her mom and anything Maelynn wanted to talk about, then read together from “Five Love Languages” (not sure where he ever got such a notion!! ; 0 ). That evening they watched a movie and relaxed. He had discovered what his girl needed on this difficult day and set out to make it happen.

I gushed, “Oh Jonathan. You are such an amazing fiance. You seek out Maelynn’s needs and then try to meet them. That was so special. I am so proud of you for your sensitivity and care for her.” See—teaching, training, encouraging, and affirming–all because of availability and asking the right questions.

4. Check on the couple’s physical relationship often

My husband is the type of father who loves to ask questions. He feels that the kids can learn more through their answers to our questions than they would if we just gave them the answer or told them how we wanted things.

The same is true in the area of romance. When our kids begin a relationship, he asks them what their physical plans are, point blank. “Do you see yourselves holding hands or hugging?” “How about arms around each other or leaning on each other while watching a movie?” “Do you plan to kiss during the courtship period, engagement period, or not at all (before marriage) on the lips?”

Then he listens. Then he gives them input. (“You guys have a long three years ahead of you in this relationship. I agree that kissing should be reserved for the engagement period.”) He can confirm, add to, give advice, etc., because he asked them first. And then, guess what? They ask him what he thinks! (Sneaky, huh???)

Ray asks them how they are going to stay true to their commitments in this area first (again). We help them design safeguards for their physical relationship–no kissing in the car, no being alone at one of your homes, etc.

Once the parameters have been set in the physical relationship (by the couple, with our input), we can help them stay true to their physical commitments. Ray has asked our sons who have been in relationships exactly how things are going on a regular basis.

We are helping our son be a good boyfriend (then fiance–and eventually husband) when we walk through appropriate physical contact with them from the beginning–and check on them often. Our future daughter-in-law deserves a husband who keeps his word and loves her enough to honor their pre-marital intimacy decisions.

5. Encourage your son to have fun and make things special

We want all of our married kids to be hopeless romantics like us!

Ray and I are hopeless romantics! We ballroom dance nearly every weekend because with each song “there is a three minute period in which nobody needs anything and the only people in the world are the two of us.” (Told you we were hopeless!)

And we encourage our kids in relationships to be romantic, spontaneous, fun, and surprise-filled. When Jonathan and Maelynn first started dating two and a half years ago, Ray told them to make a list of all the fun things they wanted to do together during their summer school break (after work, of course!). He told them to check it every week and be sure to do something fun each week.

Long mornings at an old, dusty book shop, long walks in the park, singing together, movies, and concerts are some of the fun things Jonathan and Maelynn enjoy doing together.

Before they got engaged six months ago, the entire family called Jonathan one-by-one to offer advice on the perfect engagement night. It was loads of fun–and encouraged Jonathan to not just get engaged but to really GET ENGAGED! 😉

A couple of days before the big night, when Jonathan was heading out to go back to college, my husband slid him a fifty dollar bill and told him to “go ahead and take her to The Melting Pot. You want this night to be as special as it can be.” Yes, I had to go two weeks without a dinner date with my husband–but it was worth it to us to help Jonathan afford a super special engagement night. Encourage romance in your son–this really makes a girlfriend/fiance happy!

We even tell the boys that it is Scriptural to have fun and “cheer” your wife: “When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business; but he shall be free at home one years, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken” (Deuteronomy 24:5). I know, I know…taking a verse out of context, but doesn’t that verse say something about how God views a marriage relationship and the husband’s role to make the wife happy????

Occasionally, we just ask Jonathan, “Other than studying together for twelve hours on Saturday, what special thing did you do with Maelynn this weekend?” It can be as simple as walking downtown Chicago, playing in the game room at the college, or renting a movie for the two of them–but we don’t want him to skip special things even in the midst of busy-ness (and two very serious, studious college kids!).

Additionally, we like to have fun with the sweet couple. It isn’t uncommon at all for Jonathan to get a text from me giving him a potential schedule for when he is coming home to see if he and Maelynn can join us for pizza night, game night, park day, or a movie out. Being in these settings with the two of them helps us see how their relationship is going and what we can recommend to Jonathan to be a better boyfriend/fiance.

Fun family times with the couple also give us chances to listen to Maelynn when she talks and point out little things that Jonathan might miss. (It isn’t uncommon at all to hear my husband talking to one of the marrieds or dating kids on the phone and say, “I heard ____ say this the other night. What do you think he/she is feeling?” OR “When ____ said this, I didn’t feel like you were really listening.”) In addition to potentially helping a current situation, we are also helping to train our son or daughter’s ears for really listening to the other person.

Trust me, you WANT your son to be a good boyfriend/fiance to the woman he is going to marry because it lays the groundwork for his marriage relationship. This is the perfect opportunity for us to help our son hone the relationship skills (empathy, kindness, generosity, compassion, selflessness, love, deference, etc.) that he has been learning at home for the past eighteen or twenty years. Our training years are not over just because our son is in a serious relationship. He still needs us–and his girlfriend/fiance will be overjoyed that we helped him become a better boyfriend/fiance!

Pre-marital time with his girlfriend/fiance is the perfect opportunity for him to hone those relationship skills and character qualities that he has been learning at home since he was little.

The post Five Ways to Help Your Son Be a Good Boyfriend/Fiance appeared first on Character Ink.