Rules Without Relationship is the final ingredient—and probably the most critical of all of the ingredients to avoid. (Of course, without relationship, we as parents have no desire or motivation to try to explain rules, listen to their appeals, or remain consistent in our parenting.) Relationship must be in place in order to keep our children from rebelling against us.

Recipe for Rebellion

Rules Without Reasons
Rules Without Response
Rules Without Repetition
Rules Without Relationship

Love covers a multitude of parenting problems. However, I will note that we can chisel away the relationship we do have with any of the previous three ingredients in our rule making. Even if we have a strong relationship in place with our children and have secured their hearts, we can cause them to take back pieces of their hearts little by little when we do not have logical rules, do not listen to them, and do not have consistency.

Likewise, an incredibly strong relationship can cause our children to accept our decisions even if we do have some of the other three undesirable ingredients. If our children know that we are trying to do what is in their best interest, and that we would not simply make rules to throw our weight around, they will more easily accept those times when our rule making is less than logical or consistent.

Keeping Teens Close

I look back on the time when our three oldest children began entering their teen years, and it seems a miracle that we were able to keep them so close. I know that there were some key experiences during that time that held us together, in spite of our tendency to not always think when making rules and guidelines. The most significant thing that kept our children true to us during that time was love.

More than anything else, love ruled our home. We might have had some wacko rules, many of which had no logical basis. We might have taken away a lot of things from them that other kids got to do or have (and continue to do so). But we always loved unselfishly. We loved them enough to do whatever it took to stay close to them.

Paul’s declaration about ruling with love is what made those years successful in spite of not knowing what we were doing! In Philemon 1: 8-9, Paul told the people that he could have forced them to do what he wanted them to do (which is how some parents handle things), but instead he wanted to love them into doing what he asked: “…although in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do, yet I appeal to you on the basis of love” (NKJV).

When we appeal to our children on the basis of love–even if we do not have it all figured out ourselves yet–their response is completely different than if we appeal to them with unlimited, tyrannical authority.

Talk often…

We need to talk and talk often—for many of the 52 reasons and in many of the 52 ways. But one of the most important times to talk is when you want to build a relationship with your kids.

The quote by Frederick Douglass: “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men” speaks to this. We can talk and talk and talk and build close relationships with our children now (in spite of the time and effort it takes during these busy years) or we can try to repair things later. It is much easier (even though it doesn’t feel like it at the time) to build strong relationships with our children right now through talking.

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The post 52 Weeks of Talking to Our Kids: Building Relationships appeared first on Character Ink.

Recipe for Rebellion

Rules Without Reasons
Rules Without Response
Rules Without Repetition
Rules Without Relationship

So I guess this would be more appropriately coined as a time to listen…not talk. And this is why….

The problems with Ingredient # 1: Rules Without Reasons are also found in Ingredient #2: Rules Without Response (plus one other “biggie”):

1. “No-Response-Allowed” Is Aggravating!

There are many problems with this ingredient, of course, not the least of which involves the verse in the Bible that tells fathers not to aggravate their children: “Fathers, don’t aggravate your children, if you do they will become discouraged and quit trying” Colossians 3:21 (NLT). It is aggravating not to be listened to! Think about how annoying it is for you with work or relatives when you are not allowed to voice your opinion. Your children feel the same way–only perhaps even more helpless because they are, well, children.

2. “No-Response-Allowed” Handicaps Our Children in Their Future Decision Making

Additionally, not allowing our children to respond to our rules and choices for them causes them to be unable to make decisions for themselves later in life. They need to know the process a Christian goes through to determine how to live and act. If we consistently tell them that this is the way it is, and they just need to buck up and do it, they will not learn how to make wise decisions for themselves and their own families some day.

3. “No-Response-Allowed” Is Not How God Treats Us!

If we truly want to follow a Christian protocol in parenting, we will want to try to parent our children like God parents us. God listens to us! Think of how painfully honest David was in the Psalms—“God, why are you doing this to me! Why don’t you listen to me? Why do you let my enemies overtake me? Oh, I want to follow your way, but it is so hard. Okay, God, I will trust in you, not in chariots and horses.” God allows us to respond to what he is doing in our lives! Or how about Abraham: Will you destroy the city if there are some godly people still there? He not only responded to God’s edict, but he gave God suggestions on how to change it. And God listened!

4. “No-Response-Allowed” Causes Our Children to Argue With Us

Besides the three above difficulties with Ingredient #1 and Ingredient #2, “No-Response-Allowed” has the added problem of arguments and fighting that result when children try to discuss rules with us and we do not listen. This is where a communication technique that we have used with our children comes in handy: the godly appeal.

Most parents, when presented with the concept of letting their children respond to them, are not altogether wrong in their opposition. Their children might already be responding–and Mom and Dad do not like it!

Parents usually do not like it because they have not allowed (or taught) proper responses from their children early on, so their sons and daughters have resorted to arguing, bickering, and begging. That is not the type of response we are recommending in this appeal advice.

So this time to talk is when you need to let your kids respond—the next one will give you an outline for how to let your kids respond/appeal to you in a non-argumentative way. So stay tuned!

Links:

[Download] Recipe for Rebellion Posters

[Podcast] Recipe for Rebellion and Ingredients for Intimacy

[Podcast] Dealing With Heart Issues of Tweens

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The post 52 Weeks of Talking to Our Kids: Avoiding Rules Without Response appeared first on Character Ink.

Why not?

Can we change that to…..

These questions are often asked of us parents when we fail to give children the reason for our decisions and instruction.

While there it is true that our children should learn to obey us and trust that we have their best in mind (but again, that comes through lots of talking and letting them see that we have their best interest in mind!), we have determined four key ingredients that cause teens to rebel—Reishes’ Recipe for Rebellion.

Certainly each of the four of these “ingredients” is a reason to talk to our kids….including the first ingredient in the recipe—Rules Without Reasons.

Rules Without Reasons

Explaining reasons for our rules is an important time to talk to our kids! We have believed in giving our children the reasons for our requests and rules (as long as the children are not demanding them), mostly due to embracing Kevin Leman’s* writings, which we discovered early in our parenting. However, we did not realize the importance of our rules and requests being logical and understandable to our kids until after we began debate. Through our experience with teaching our children public speaking and debate (and through judging hundreds of competitions), we learned that not only should we give our children the reasons for our rules if possible, but that those reasons should be logical, scriptural, and understandable.

In other words, it is not enough to tell our kids yes or no and then add “because I told you so.” This goes back to the Proactive Parenting techniques that we have introduced earlier in this blog. One way to prevent problems before they begin is to explain the reasons behind your rules and requests to your children.

Many authoritarian parents do not believe that they should have to do this. After all, we are the parents and they are the children. While you would be hard pressed to find parents who require obedience and respect much more than my husband and I do, we do not buy into the “I am the parent, so the child should do it” mindset—without explanation and teaching concerning the rules we make.

Why? For a number of reasons:

1. That is not how God deals with us! His Word is a gold mine of reasons and explanations to us of why He wants us to do what He wants us to do. He is tender, long suffering, and patient with us. He does demand our obedience, but He does not say that it is “because I told you so.” Rather He says that it is “to help us grow in our faith,” “to keep weaker brethren from stumbling,” “to show that we love Him,” “to be a light to the world,” and on and on. One explanation after another; multiple cause and effect scenarios are presented.

2. It does not help our children “own” the lifestyle choices and rules we are making. You cannot own something of which you do not understand. When we tell our children to live this way or that because we are the parents and we demand it, we are not helping them to develop their own belief system in the future. In essence, we are not giving them learning hooks on which to hook old information, new information, and future information—to utilize when they need to make decisions for themselves.

3. It is aggravating for the child. Ephesians 6:4 says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” We as adults know how exasperating it is to work for someone who makes demands but does not give explanations. Our children often feel the same way with us. The Bible makes it clear that we have the potential to give our children life-giving truths (Proverbs tells us over and over to teach our kids God’s ways) or demanding, “aggravating” commands (without explanations).

So take the time to TALK…to give the reasons—especially when you are implementing a new rule, schedule, approach, or lifestyle choice for your family.

Explain it to the children thoroughly—and give them opportunities to respond (see next post!). Because avoiding the Rules Without Reasons is important enough to talk about it.

Learn more about the Recipe for Rebellion with our parenting packet here.

Recipe for Rebellion

Rules Without Reasons
Rules Without Response
Rules Without Repetition
Rules Without Relationship

Learn more about the Recipe for Rebellion with Donna’s Wondering Wednesday podcast episode here.

* Leman, Kevin. Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. New York: Dell Publishing Company, 1987.

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The post 52 Weeks of Talking to Our Kids: Avoiding Rules Without Reasons appeared first on Character Ink.

Pin these Chores for Tweens on Pinterest!

Click here for colorful, printable chore lists for toddlers through tweens.

If you want more chores, efficiency, and organization help, check out the podcast episodes listed here.

The post Age Appropriate Chores for Tweens [Pinnable Image] appeared first on Character Ink.

We have another new parenting/character training product! A teaching that we offer in our Raising Teens With Character seminar (as well as in our teen workshops for conventions and small groups) is our signature Recipe for Rebellion. In this teaching, we bring to light four negative parenting practice that causes teens to rebel: giving rules without reasons, giving rules without allowing a response from our children, giving rules without consistency (without repetition), and giving rules without having deep, abiding relationships with our children.

Recipe for Rebellion

• Rules Without Reasons
• Rules Without Response
• Rules Without Repetition
• Rules Without Relationship

In this poster packet, I have taken the RKWC Recipe for Rebellion parenting teaching and put it into bite-sized posters with explanations of all four ingredients, Scriptures to remind parents of the importance of not using these harmful “ingredients,” steps detailing the appeal process, and suggestions for avoiding these pitfalls in parenting teens.

Two of the posters include poignant verses that remind us of how we should relate to our teens:

Ephesians 6:4 says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”

Philemon 1: 8-9 …although in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do, yet I appeal to you on the basis of love” (NKJV).

This nine-poster pack (with 8.5”x11” colorful posters) is available at our Character Ink store and at our CurrClick store. It will be given in our Friday Freebies for newsletter and/or blog subscribers (so subscribe today!).

Learn more about the Recipe for Rebellion in our recent podcast episode.

Buy Now!

The post Product Highlight: Recipe for Rebellion Poster Pack appeared first on Character Ink.

Things to Consider About Our Relationships During Intense Training Times

(1) To your child, it can feel like he is being ganged up on—or that he is not as loved because there is so much “negative” in the form of training, punishment, consequences, etc. You want to be sure you are combating this with attention, affirmation, encouragement, heart engagement, and many positives.
 
(2) Keep these ten tips close-by to be sure that you are staying close and connected when he feels less than positive about the changes and expectations.
 
(3) While it might not be possible during these intense times to follow a certain protocol (i.e. three positives for every one negative; ten affirmations for every negative feedback/correction, etc.), it is still important not to have a negative environment in which every thing is about the training, changes, and expectations.
 

Listen to the podcast here!

Ten Tips for Staying Close During Intense Training Times With Tweens and Teens

(1) Remember, to your child, perception is reality. If he feels ganged up on, to him, he really is. If he feels that you do not LIKE him, to him, you really do not. If he feels like you are only focusing on negatives right now, to him, you are.

(2) Don’t over-focus on correction (i.e. too many areas at the same time; once you are on a roll about one thing, you find yourself picking/correcting every little thing). Choose the biggest things first ( see Four D’s of Behavior and Handling Heart Behaviors in Tweens). Don’t try to tackle everything at one time.

(3) Have more-than-normal amounts of one-on-one time with your child. (See our Keep Close Coupons.)

(4) Affirm your child’s good behavior and character during this time—early and often. (See our Affirmation Cards.)

(5) Give little gifts and plan little surprises. (See our Kid’s Faves Worsheets.)

(6) Have lots of family time, stressing family unity and love among family members.

(7) Say yes when you can. (This is already a time of a lot of no’s if he is being punished or having a lot of consequences; don’t pile on unnecessary no’s.)

(8) Be sure he sees you linking responsibility with privilege. (See my latest article—”The One Parenting Practice That Changes Everything.”) When improvements are made in his character, he should see immediate changes in his privileges—just like he should have seen lessening of privileges when responsibility wasn’t as good.)

(9) Use key times wisely. Drive time. Just the two of you home. Mornings. Dinner preparation. Bedtimes. Porch time. Tech-free zone time. All of these times are good times to connect to your child’s heart.

(10) Ask good questions. Focus on the WHY…..not just literal questions.

Links

Podcast: Four D’s of Behavior
Podcast: Dealing With Heart Issues of Tweens
Blog post: Four Things Teens and Young Adults Need
Blog post: Teaching Children to Ask Questions
Blog Post: The One Parenting Practice That Changes Everything
Blog Post: A is for Affirmation

The post Podcast Notes: Ten Tips for Staying Close During Intense Training Times appeared first on Character Ink.

Download the podcast notes here.

Listen to previous podcasts here.

 Click HERE to subscribe to our weekly e-newsletters and receive this FREE download with worksheets to use with your kids.  Already subscribed?  You’ll find link in this week’s newsletter for these worksheets 🙂

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Handling Heart Behaviors (4 D Behaviors) of Tweens

Listen to the podcast here!

First Two Steps in Addressing All Heart/4 D Behaviors of Tweens

(1) First—for all—ask forgiveness and admit your mistakes/lack of strong parenting in the area
(2) Look at each situation and ask yourself how you can take this behavior/situation from GRAY to BLACK & WHITE

General “Next Steps”: Meet/Plan With Spouse and Child (or Spouse First Then the Three of You)

1. What will now be unacceptable? Make a list.

2. Choose Signaling Words and Phrases

3. Determine What Appropriate Response From Child Will Be

4. Determine Consequences

a. What They Are Going to Be (list)
b. When the Consequences Will Be (after a warning, after Dad gets home, that evening, etc.)

DISRESPECT: Disrespectful tone, words, and actions

~Always start with apology and deciding how situation can go from gray to black and white

1. Make unacceptable behavior list.

2. Make consequence list including when and how they will be implemented.

3. Signaling words and phrases:

a. “Those are not respectful words. Do you want to re-word that?” OR
b. “That is not a respectful tone. Do you want to say that differently?”

4. Decide on acceptable response from the child (no other words allowed or it is black and white disobedience):

a. “Yes, Mom……”
b. “Yes, Ma’am….”
c. “Yes, Dad….”

5. Two choices

a. Go on if child became respectful after this interchange
b. Announce “You have chosen to be disrespectful even after warning. We will institute a consequence from the consequence list tonight.”

DISOBEDIENCE: Implement the NO RESPONSE RULE

~Always start with apology and deciding how situation can go from gray to black and white

1. Make unacceptable behavior list. (Use Disobedience Math list from here.)

2. Make consequence list including when and how they will be implemented.

3. Signaling words and phrases: “We are following the No Response Rule. What did you mean to say since you can’t respond?”

4. Decide on acceptable response from the child (no other words allowed or it is black and white disobedience):

a. “Yes, Mom……”
b. “Yes, Ma’am….”
c. “Yes, Dad….”

5. Two choices

a. Go on if child obeyed at this point. OR
b. Announce “You have chosen to continue to respond even though we are following the No Response Rule. We will institute a consequence from the consequence list tonight. Go ahead and do what I told you to do.” (Then separate yourself from him, leaving him to CHOOSE again to obey or not obey.)

Note: Child “double disobeyed” if he chose to respond after you warned him AND he still didn’t do what you said. This should be treated like two disobedience. His decision to respond means he disobeyed once. It doesn’t give him the choice to also not do what you said.

Other Disobedience Tips
1. Reduce the number of commands for a while—don’t micromanage while you are trying to get a handle on obedience. It makes child feel that he can never please you.

2. Don’t say no unless you’ll go—only give a command or make a pronouncement if you will really follow up on it. Don’t say it if you don’t mean it!

3. Tell, don’t ask. Asking indicates that the child can choose to obey or not.

a. Tell things that need to be obeyed.
b. Ask things that are optional.

FIGHTING: Using the Accusing Word Signaling Phrase and Apology

(See also Three Tips to Teach Children How to Apologize.)

~Always start with apology and deciding how situation can go from gray to black and white

1. Make unacceptable behavior list.

2. Make consequence list including when and how they will be implemented.

3. Signaling words and phrases:

a. When child says someone did something to him: “No Accusing Words Allowed. Say it peacefully.”
b. Offended child: “Please stop flicking me.”
c. Offender: “I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” OR Continue behavior.

4. If offender continues the behavior, separate him and remind him: “We have the no fighting rule. Since you broke that, we will decide on the consequence tonight.”

Things to Keep in Mind
1. Don’t make consequences the same as forgetting to take the trash out or not cleaning his room. Consequences for 4 D Behaviors should be serious, like the behavior is.
2. Don’t engage with the child once you determine ahead of time the unacceptable behaviors, the consequences, the signaling words and phrases, etc. Make everything as black and white as possible.
3. Don’t work on too many things at one time. Decide on the most important infraction right at the moment and work on that.
4. Spend lots of time with your child building relationship (listen in two weeks!) and rewarding for good things.

Sign up HERE for our weekly newsletter and  get free printables for these three D Behaviors that you can use with your child!

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The post Podcast Notes: Dealing With Heart Issues of Tweens appeared first on Character Ink.

Download the podcast notes here.

Listen to previous podcasts here.

For 8.5 x 11” posters and three worksheets that you can use with your children concerning these topics, click HERE to subscribe to our weekly e-newsletters. You will receive a link to great printables that you can use to teach your children these concepts (and/or to remind yourself of them!).  Already subscribed?  You’ll find link in this week’s newsletter for these posters 🙂

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Listen to the podcast here!

Grace-Based Parenting

1. Good thing!
2. Allows kids four freedoms

a. Freedom to be different
b. Freedom to be vulnerable
c. Freedom to be open
d. Freedom to make mistakes

3. Giving kids grace doesn’t mean there are not
consequences or that we do not correct our kids
4. Means that our relationship is never at risk due to their behavior
5. Means our love never changes based on the freedoms we give them (above)

Problem Isn’t With Grace-Based Parenting; Problem With People’s Interpretation of It

1. Misunderstanding it—thinking it means anything goes or hands off parenting
2. Misusing it—just like we mishandle God’s grace towards us, we mishandle the grace we give our kids

Bottom Line in Grace-Based Parenting (and Raising Kids With Character!): Treat our children the same way that God treats us

Definition Mulligan: an informal golf terms that means giving an extra stroke after a poor shot that is not counted against the golfer

Walleyball-–played in racquetball court; smaller court than volleyball; walls to hit it off of and walls/ceiling to be “out”

Mulligans in Our Walleyball Game

1. Younger Niece; small; had trouble with serves
2. Sister: frozen shoulder surgery
3. Daughter: inexperienced player

No Mulligans

1. Me: High school (albeit not great!) volleyball player
2. Daughter-in-law: high school and college volleyball player
3. Son: seventeen year old hot dogging it
4. Teen/college guys and husbands

What to Do With Kids’ Behaviors

1. Grace?
2. Training?
3. Mercy?
4. Responsibility?

Mulligans in Life

1. Niece—smaller; give to child who is struggling or weak
2. Sister—injured; give to child who is injured but not forever
3. Daughter—inexperienced; give to a chld who is in training

No Mulligans in Life?

1. Strong people
2. Those who are in need of “reality training” (hot dogging it)
3. Those who are already well trained in area

Print this post here!

Listen to the podcast here!

The post Podcast Notes: “How Do I Know When to Give Chances and When to Take Action: When to Give Our Kids a Mulligan” appeared first on Character Ink.