A good piece of advice that we received early in our parenting of many littles was to always take at least one child with us where ever we went, if possible. The thinking was that if we always took a child with us, we could talk and train “on the road.”

Thus, we made it a point to always grab a kid if one of us left the house to run an errand—or plan to take one child with us if we knew ahead of time that we were going to be driving somewhere.

Out of this theory came our mantra: “Who’s got your shoes on? Dad’s running an errand!” Or “Who’s got your shoes on? Mom’s got to take a quick trip to town.”

The kids would scramble and look for shoes and socks to be the first one ready to head out with Mom or Dad. Of course, who went with us wasn’t always based on who had their shoes on, but it was a little saying that we used to emphasize the fact that we wanted to be with them—and know what was going on in their hearts.

This has taken on different looks throughout our lives, As the kids grew up, if we ever had to take two vehicles someplace (like if Dad was joining us from work or coming later to something), on the way home, one child would ride with Dad alone and the others would ride with Mom. (I had more time with the kids automatically by homeschooling them during the day, so one-on-one time with Dad was one of the things we used this time for.)

“Whoever has their shoes on” became “whoever was working on learning to drive” starting about twelve years ago as Ray taught each child to drive and took them out on the road a couple of nights a week for a few months. While driving and learning the ways of the road, conversations about so many other things just happened.

And today, it isn’t “who has their shoes on” as much as who might be available to call on their cell phone as I’m driving (talking—NOT texting!). I always look at the clock when I get in the vehicle alone to see which grown son or daughter is doing what—and who I should try to call to check in with. Ray’s drive time home from work is usually spent talking to an adult child.

“Who has their shoes on”; “Who’s learning to drive”; “Who’s available to call”—all avenues leading to the same goal: for our kids to know, think, feel, and say, Mom and Dad want to be with me and talk to me enough to take me with them when they go somewhere, spend time with me as I’m learning to drive, or call me when we are apart.

The post 52 Weeks Of Talking To Our Kids: Who’s Got Their Shoes On? appeared first on Character Ink.

*Learning From Workshops—as easy as ABC…making the changes you want in your home a little at a time

I. Five W’s and H of Character Building

A. Why–

1. Deuteronomy 6: 6 and 7: 6 “And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.”

2. Make disciples….”bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”

B. Where—everywhere we are with our kids

C. When—all the time!

D. Who—you—once it is in your heart first!

E. What—Biblical teaching, Christian living, character, faith!

F. How

1. Through a fairly predictable schedule

2. With intentionality—not letting these years pass by

3. By prioritizing—that reaching your children’s hearts for the Lord will be of top priority to you

4. Relationally

5. Through Biblical parenting

II. Toddler Tips

A. Adapt toddler to your schedule and family’s lifestyle

B. Set the stage for his future tastes

1. Defiance vs. submission

2. Selflessness/meanness vs. kindness/gentleness

3. Hyper-stimulation/activity vs. simple things

4. Lack of focus/not enjoying learning vs. love for learning

C. Decide ahead of time what your behavior absolutes will be

1. Behaviors absolutes are those behaviors that your family will not permit in your home

2. Ours—talking back, saying no, lying/deceit, temper tantrums, striking

D. Start teaching the joy of doing what is right

E. Develop predictable routines—block schedules (not minute by minute)

III. Times and Places to Teach Faith and Character

A. When you rise up

1. Character building chore times
2. Family devotions or devotions with Mom
3. “Morning read aloud”
4. Schedules/daily disciplines
5. Snuggle, rock, and read
6. Schedules that put God first in your home

B. When you sit in your house

1. Story time
2. Organization/upkeep
3. Discussion
4. Questions
5. Listening together
6. Parenthetical Parenting
7. Expectation Explanations
8. Teaching like Jesus
9. Reading together
10. Games
11. Prioritizing “sitting together in your house”
12. “Good report” time
13. Songs/sayings to build relationshiips
14. Family worship

C. When you walk by the way
1. “Who has shoes on?”
2. As you drive down the road
3. “Who had good character?”
4. Daddy talks
5. Meal times
6. Car talks
7. Twalks
8. Terrific Tuesdays and Wonderful Wednesdays
9. Movie and book talks
10. Teachable moments
11. Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks
12. Listen more than you talk
13. Singing together

D. When you lie down

1. Malachi time
2. Bible talks
3. Bedtime stories
4. Tying heartstrings
5.The eyes are the windows to the soul
6. Taking the time needed at bedtime (requires great bedtime training prior to this)

Listen to the podcast here:

Links to Podcasts

Age Appropriate Chores

Ways to Spend More Time With Your Kids

Utilizing Room Time With Toddlers and Preschoolers

Turning High Need Preschoolers Into the Darling Angels They Were Meant to Be

Solving Common Preschool Behavior Problems

What to Do With a Kindergartener

How to Prepare Your Child to Learn to Read

What to Do with Toddler Troubles

Wonderful One Year Olds Part I

Wonderful One Year Olds Part II

Storytime Questions and Answers

Using Audios With Children

The post Podcast Notes for “Faith & Character Building for Littles appeared first on Character Ink.

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“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up” Galatians 6:9

This verse is a common parenting verse—one that I am sure many a mamas has posted on her refrigerator, bathroom mirror, and nursery wall for decades. And it is a good one—reminding us that there is an end reward in what we are doing, that it is worth doing well and not giving up.

I love verses and inspirational quotes as much as the next person, but I also like practical application—so here you go! Five Ways to Not Grow Weary in Well Doing!  🙂

1. Surround yourself with like-minded people—so that when you feel like giving up, you have people around you who do not feel that way at that moment.

One of the most discouraging things to do in parenting is to be with others who also feel like giving up—continually. We all have those days. We all have times when we need someone to come alongside us and tell us it is worth it, you can do it, don’t give up. But if we surround ourselves with Debbie Downers who always see the negative and always feed our times of discouragement, it will be hard to get back up when we get down. The good thing about having a few people in our lives who believe in what they/we are doing is that hopefully we are not all weary at the same time!

2. Have written goals some place that you can refer to often.

Whether they are goals to homeschool for thirty-five years (I didn’t start out with that one!) or goals to raise your children for God and not just decide it is too hard, so I just need to do what everybody else is doing, having those written out and referring to them can remind us of what we were feeling and thinking at the time we decided to have seven kids and go the long haul with homeschooling. Sometimes we just need taken back to the place where we were called to do what it is we are doing. (If you have a like-minded husband, review these goals from time-to-time—or ask him to continually remind you when you are weak what you two decided in the first place. This has been invaluable to me!)

3. Don’t take on too much outside of your goals.

We become especially weary when we are trying to do too much (so we can’t do what we need to do really well) or when we are rushed. Go through your schedule, your days, your activities, and strip away the things that do not help you meet your parenting goals. When you have less to do, you can focus on your relationships, the good times, the teaching moments, and the final goal much better. Every single time we cut out, reduced, evaluated, and stripped excess away, I was a better mom, and our home ran more smoothly.

4. Likewise, don’t confuse homemaking, busy-ness of living, and extra work that we often make for ourselves as meeting our goals.

What really helps you meet your goals? Is it more home cooking? Is it more crafting? Is it more garage sale shopping? What of those things are necessary to live and what things do you do because you feel like you should or have to? So many times I became too busy with the craziness of living—of making a home, of planning and cooking and sorting and…you get the idea…that it actually got in the way of my parenting. And then did I grow weary. I didn’t understand why if I was doing all of this to run my home, it was so exhausting and didn’t seem to yield fruit in my children. Determine what you really NEED to do…and do those things.

5. Get some end goal snapshots in your head.

Whether these snapshots are in the form of what you want in your home with your own kids in ten, twenty, or thirty years or in the form of other families who have done what you want to do successfully, these pictures are like goals in art form! Even thirty years ago, I knew what I wanted—I saw families with teens who were doing what I wanted to do in my home down the road. I kept their pictures before me—not as idols but as reminders that my goals could be met. I could parent in a character-training, heart-reaching way.

6. Enjoy your family.

Don’t get so caught up in goals and in big pictures that you miss what is right before you at this moment. I used to have this habit of breathing in the situation. When I was in the midst of family happiness, I would close my eyes, breathe in, and ask God to help me remember this moment. I know it sounds silly, but I can actually remember specific instances of doing that and where I was and what I was so happy about at that moment. (One of them is when my fifth baby smiled for the first time!) If we have children, we have so much to be thankful for and enjoy right there. Don’t let weariness steal that joy of family.

Don’t grow weary! It is worth it! You can do it!  🙂

The post Six Ways to Not Grow Weary in Well Doing appeared first on Character Ink.

Listen to Ray’s podcast here!

I. Introduction

a. Welcome

b. Our story: How we discovered Husband-Wife Meetings and their impact

c. The power of weekly and/or monthly changes in a home

II. Meeting the Needs of Your Wife and Children in General

a. Head/leader/servant leader—Janitor

b. “Dwell with your wife according to knowledge” I Peter 3:7

c. Up to you to lead/initiate changes and improvement in your family; your wife is your helpmate

d. Security in wife and children comes from their knowing that you are close to God and you want the best for your family.

e. Wife and children feeling loved comes from their knowing that their husband/father is willing to sacrifice his time, hobbies, interests, work pursuits, etc. for them

III. Three Ways to Make Your Wife Feel Secure

A. Husband-Wife Meetings—call whatever you want “change meeting” or “improvement meeting” or “need-meeting session”!

i. Meet weekly to talk through things in general and to check on the change you are working on

ii. Be sure that a change has concrete steps to make it happen

a. Not more devotional time as a family but meal time reading together four times a week

b. Not improve Johnny’s reading but “read aloud sessions” with Johnny twice a day four days a week—once with Mom and once with Dad plus daily phonics lessons/review with mom

c. Not help Sally have better attitude but attitude check up meetings before bed; one hour alone with Mom and one hour alone with Dad each week; develop and follow through on a non-confrontational signal we will use to remind her that her tone and response are not acceptable; talk about what is frustrating her and how we can help her accept things she is discontent with or help her make changes in the areas that are in her control

B. Daily Connect Times—“couch time” or “twalk” or “travel phone time”

a. Lets children know that Mom comes first

b. Lets wife know that when you get home (or on the way home to use drive time efficiently), she will have your undivided attention for a little bit

c. Lets family know that you care about what went on that day and that you truly want to be a part of their day

d. Helps you know the needs better for the evening

C. Dates—whenever possible

a. Be creative if have small children (pizza or pie date after kids are in bed; our old ping pong dates after bedtime; coffee or dessert when kids are asleep; whatever you can afford is better than nothing)

b. Set aside time and money for this and initiate setting the dates up (don’t wait for her to beg you for a date)

c. If you are not good at setting up dates, let her do it but ask her specifically to do it (don’t make her beg you for a date!)—for example, “I was hoping we could go on two dates this month. Is it possible for you to line them up on any of our available times/days—you get the sitter and the time, and I’ll pay!” 🙂

d. If the first two connection times are in place, the date will be much more enjoyable for both of you (not as many problems to solve!)

e. Try to do a date a week—even if half or more of them are at home…just the act of setting aside the time is huge to a wife

Print this post here!

Listen to Ray’s podcast here!

The post Podcast Handout For: “Three Connecting Times to Make Your Wife Feel Secure” appeared first on Character Ink.

Click here to download the printable handout.

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The post Podcast For Fathers: Three Connecting Times to Make Your Wife Feel Secure (And Bring About Changes in Your Home in the Process!) appeared first on Character Ink.

Every day it is the same thing—more Duggar articles, updates, and tidbits coming through my FaceBook feed. Everybody has an opinion—from one extreme to another.

While I met the Duggars fifteen years ago when Mrs. Duggar and I both spoke at the same conference (me on how to teach writing and language arts and her on how to manage a family of eight or ten kids! 🙂 ), I do not know them personally nor have I ever watched their show or heard them speak (outside of that conference).

The truth is that none of us know the truth about the Dugger situation. People write blog posts and articles as though they know first-hand the exact time line and the decisions and moves that were made. I have a policy of never writing about something that I know nothing about, so this post will not delve into the Duggars’ problems.

So why am I writing a post about them if I know nothing and have nothing to contribute to their situation? Because I am afraid that we are missing the greatest thing that Christian parents should be focusing on in this scandal—how we can protect our own children from sexual misconduct and abuse both in the home and outside the home.

No, I am not an expert on this—but my husband and I have raised seven children (ages seventeen to thirty-two now) who have seldom harmed one another in any way (including striking angrily) and who I feel have a healthy outlook on marital intimacy.

Many of the protection and teaching tips that I will be sharing in this post and the next one (protecting outside the home) are from our blog (Character Ink Publishing and Family Ministries) and from various sessions of our Christian parenting seminar (“Raising Kids With Character” {RKWC}).

So here are just a few things that I feel we as Christian parents should really take to heart and implement in order to be sure that we are protecting our children as much as possible.

Note: These pieces of advice are not directed at or have anything to do with the Duggars.

Protecting Our Children From Sexual Misconduct Within the Home

(1) Protect our children from seeing SEX everywhere!

This first tip is an old fashioned one—but one that I feel many of us have gotten away from.

Our last three children were boys born within five years of each other. By that time, we knew the incredible benefits of keeping them from seeing things that exacerbate teen boys’ raging hormones.

We tell boys to stay pure, to not think about sex, to abstain from masturbation—then we turn on the television every night in which all types of sexual sin seem completely normal and acceptable and are there in front of them in full color. We allow them to view (often on a super large screen) commercials and programs in which women are scantily-clad with come hither expressions and body movements. Then we wonder why teen boys are obsessed with sex!

Additionally, we often do not give a second thought to our sons seeing girls in lewd bathing suits or seeing the pictures of  Victoria’s Secret models in the front of the store. While we can’t lock our sons up in our homes never to see anything bad, we should consider our swimming and shopping situations a little more carefully than we sometimes do. And definitely control our television situations.

(2)  Limit access to the internet by instilling boundaries and installing blocks on all devices.

In speaking to parents over the past several years, I have been alarmed at the  complacency  that many Christian parents have developed concerning the internet. We give ten year olds the internet at their fingertips—and just invite them (while warning them and begging them not to) to see sexual acts by every combination of persons imaginable. I can hardly bear to think about what kids are seeing every day on the internet.

We can’t give our children the internet and just hope for the best. We have been able to raise our kids without such a huge internet influence—and were able to continue our “no internet in the bedrooms for kids under eighteen (including no smart phones for kids under eighteen); internet on main computer in common living area for kids to use; one child very seldom home alone” approach.

However, I am not so naïve to think that people can do that today—so I leave you on this point with the best article that I have read about protecting our children from internet pornography and placing blocks on various devices–and I beg you to read it and follow its advice step-by-step—“The Porn-Free Family”

(3)  Place other boundaries in your home.

In addition to internet safety, we should also provide “common sense” boundaries in our home. These will be different for each family based on the number, ages, and sexes of their children, but here are a few to consider:

a. Open door policies of bedrooms—or at the very least that parents may come in at any time

b.  Shared rooms for two or three kids of the same sex (and ongoing spiritual teaching that helps the kids develop a  conscience that says I need to help my roommates stay pure—and they will help me as well as the responsibility to tell parents about anything that goes on that is against family rules)

c.  No televisions or internet in bedrooms

d. Have more “community rooms” for hanging out and playing and use bedrooms for sleep and/or study (as opposed to children staying in their rooms alone too much)

e. Consider the ratings of movies for the REASON of their ratings. Don’t automatically assume that a PG movie is fine and an R movie is totally out of the question. Look for the words “Rated ___ for…” and check the reasons that the movie got the rating that it did. We personally didn’t mind if our boys saw “action” movies, but if a movie listed “partial nudity” or “sexual situations,” we knew to steer clear.

f.  Think through the decision to leave one child (especially a son) home alone too often. I know it is a hassle to be sure that two or more people are home at one time, but it gave me peace of mind when our “little boys” were twelve, fourteen, and sixteen and up.

(4)  Provide hard physical labor and/or physical distractions for preteen and especially teen boys.

Our early mentors told us thirty years ago that when our oldest (Joshua, thirty-two year old son) turned twelve, we should do two things (1) Make Mom “milk and cookies” (i.e. not the controlling, nagging mom of a teen boy!) and (2) Provide physical labor or hard physical activity for him. They gave us a couple of books that further explained how sexual energy in teen boys can be expended somewhat through physical activity.

When Joshua was twelve or so, we began taking our mentors’ advice to heart—working towards Joshua’s reporting to Ray for his daily behavior and homeschooling and having Ray be the primary disciplinarian (and yes, we did this in spite of Ray’s working a minimum of sixty hours per week fifty weeks a year—where there is a will, there is a way).

Shortly thereafter, we approached a Christian business owner about the possibility of Joshua working with him/for him in his residential and commercial painting business. Joshua began working one day a week at age thirteen as a gopher and then gradually increased until during high school he would work three full hard days a week and do his high school on the weekends and evenings and days off.

Others I know use sports as an outlet for teens’ physical needs. Our kids play a lot of intra mural types of sports as well as family sports, but we felt the hard work for our boys also built a great deal of other character in them.

(5)   Lay a foundation of honesty/not sneakiness in your family.

Honesty is a trait that we can instill in our children when they are very young. And while it might seem unrelated to the topic at hand, it actually has a lot to do with sneaking negative (and sometimes very negative) behaviors. While we want to do things to help our children control sexual urges until marriage (see other points), there is an element of dishonesty in harming another secretly that cannot be overlooked.

We must teach our children that “our family is a family of honesty, integrity, and forthrightness.” (For more information, see our post-RKWC seminar session, “How to Teach Honesty.”) We can thwart secret actions (sexual or other) somewhat by taking deceit in our children at young ages very seriously.

We personally did this by biblical teaching on honesty periodically, continual character teaching that emphasized honesty/no deceit, never calling an untruth anything but a lie/deceit (no white lies or fibs), and not allowing “small deceits” to slide by (i.e. sneaking to stay up later and watch something was a real deceit/dishonesty and was not treated the same as leaving their towels on the bathroom floor).

I knew a faithful mother who would pray daily that if her children were watching or seeing anything of a sexual nature, she would find it out. That those things that needed to be known by her and her husband would come  to light. This ongoing prayer not only helped things come to light to her (i.e. looking at nudity in Usborne history books), but it also kept the “watching out for things” in the forefront of her mind so that things that others might overlook were more obvious to her.

Additionally, with honesty teaching, my husband and I were careful to not create environments/situations in which sneakiness was easy. Sneakiness becomes easy to a child when he is led to believe that “he is an island” (without accountability or boundaries)—has his own room, shuts the door, does what he wants in his own room, nobody else allowed in, etc.

Sneakiness of any kind in children becomes habitual, and, more importantly, it gradually weakens the conscience. I’m not saying that if we teach our kids not to sneak, they will not be tempted with sexual misconduct. I am saying that sexual misconduct is an ultimate form of sneakiness—and when sneakiness becomes a way of life for our children, the next level of sneakiness/deceit is easier to succumb to.

(6)  Teach the omnipresence of God early and often.

This is somewhat of a continuation of the previous point, but children who sneak around to do things (anything—not just harming a sibling) do so at the risk of getting caught by parents or older siblings or other authority. For many kids, the urge to do what they want to do is so strong that it is worth it to them to take that chance. It is in these scenarios that we have to hope and pray that we have instilled within our kids the understanding that without a shadow of a doubt, honestly, totally, and for sure/for sure—God sees and knows everything.

Yes, we can provide boundaries that help our preteen and teen children stay away from sexual sins and/or harming siblings, but the one thing that we want to drive them to righteousness is the understanding that God is all-seeing and all-knowing—and he hates sin.

(7)  Provide constant, on-going, predictable accountability in your home.

Accountability meetings, family meetings, devotionals times all together, prayer sessions, living room chats, and more should be such a part of our family life that children have trouble hiding things—their struggles, their bad behaviors, and even their doubts. We must keep a pulse on our children’s hearts at all time—and this happens through an astronomical amount of time spent with them and planned, predictable times together.

While spontaneous family times are great, our kids should know Tonight we are going to read together or talk about our day or Dad is going to tuck me in and talk to me about my life….(See our workshops about reaching our children’s hearts and our blog category “Reaching the Hearts of Your Tweens and Teens.”)

They should know this is coming for two reason: (1) Because it shows them how much we care—that we will take whatever time is needed to get to their hearts, to help them, to encourage them, to give them an opportunity to talk about what is bothering them; and (2) Because it helps our children keep short accounts with God and with their siblings.

In our nighttime talks as a family, we would often ask our kids if anybody in the family had offended them that day—and did one parent and those kids need to go talk. AND what did someone in the family do that day that was good—that stood out to you as godly character, selflessness, and kindness.

Our kids always knew that some kind of connection time was coming—in a good way. They knew we would be available, but they also knew that it was super hard to hide things from parents who care this deeply and are willing to forgo their nightly television or hobbies in order to keep the family close.

This might seem unrelated to potential sexual abuse in the home—but it really is not. Our children often confessed things to us, saying that they knew we would find out anyway when we talked or when a sibling spoke up about something (i.e. texting while driving or getting angry when babysitting for siblings, etc.).

Additionally, we need to provide unconditional love and encouragement for our children. They will be more apt to come to us, more likely to not develop addictions, and less likely to harm others or take advantage of others if they feel secure and loved by their parents in their own home.

(8) Teach children to tell you everything—and emphasize that nobody is off limits to be “told on.”

Along with our frequent meetings, gatherings, and heart-sharing times, we also must teach our children that if there is the SLIGHTEST thing that bothers them, they should tell us. We should teach them that it doesn’t matter if that person is in authority over them (and tells them not to tell because he or she is boss over them). They should “tell on” anybody who ever hurts them or does anything that they even sense might be wrong. (Of course, this assumes that we have taught them about what should never be touched, etc.)

With this, we should also avoid such terms as “tattle tale” and the like. (I know there is a fine line here that we need to discern—not let littles fuss about every little thing, tell on siblings for looking at them cross eyed or putting their foot over the line in the van, etc., but we have always felt it was better to err on the side of over-protection and caution.)

We even began taking this a step further several years into our parenting and asked the children periodically if anybody did anything they were uncomfortable with or hurt them in any way. We even brought up siblings in these questions (and were relieved to hear such innocuous accusations as, “Yeah…Joshua made me unload the dishwasher alone while you were gone!”).

Finally, talk about wrong touching and behaviors (dressing in front of siblings, wearing a sheer nightgown without a robe around the house, putting hands on each other inappropriately, etc.) as a group while not going into more detail than is necessary. Talking about it all together provides another level of accountability (“Remember when Dad said we needed to wear our undergarments under our pajamas when we are not in our bedroom?”) and the potential for red flags to come up for our children if anything that was discussed in the group is ever an issue.

(9)   Observe and set boundaries for physical contact between children.

This can be a tough thing to carry out, but it is important. Kids will be kids—they will wrestle, tickle, roll on the trampoline together, tackle a sibling at home plate, and more. And healthy interaction between siblings can be a good thing.

However, these behaviors can also give a teen the feeling that “handling” a younger sibling (and perhaps accidentally touching a sister’s behind on the tramp) is okay. And then there develops a familiarity or casualness that can become, well, too familiar and too casual and can feed a child’s sexual curiosity.

So do we say no more knee football in the living room? No more wrestling on the tramp? No more human pyramid building? I don’t think so,

However, we do need to be alert and discerning. And we need to be sure that everybody involved in the tramp romp or pyramid building is comfortable with that much closeness.

(10)  Watch for signs that might pop up that show something is amiss—especially with our tween and teen sons.

We need to watch pre-pubescent and pubescent sons for signs of too much/unacceptable sexual curiosity with siblings. And stop it immediately.

Signs of this include trying to watch sisters change clothes; habitually walking into rooms where the girls might be indecent without knocking; putting sisters that are too old to be on laps on their laps; unusual face caressing, hair stroking, or arm or leg rubbing; always trying to sit close to a certain sibling; withdrawn behaviors/wanting to be alone too much; over-taking of brother/sister selfies that look as though the siblings are a “couple”; looking at “soft porn” (like ads in the newspaper for bra and underpants sales or movie stars “red carpet” pictures in which women are not wearing enough clothing); over-volunteering to change toddlers’ diapers or clothes; and others that might be specific to your family dynamics.

(I recommend boys not change diapers on a regular basis—just another safeguard we can put in place, inconvenient though it might seem.)

Along with this point, we must watch for self-satisfying sexual behaviors. Children are naturally curious, and it becomes apparent to them early on that touching certain areas with a wash cloth in the bathtub or over-wiping after toileting can feel good. It is a difficult thing to instill in children that touching their private parts is a bad thing—while still letting them know that someday your spouse touching this area will be a good thing. We need to teach them that others should not touch them—and that they should not touch themselves. That these areas are for married life only.

There are signs that can tell us that a daughter or son is self-stimulating. Too much time spent alone in the bedroom or bathroom can be a red flag for both sexes. Boys who scratch or rub themselves too much in the living room might be doing more behind closed doors.  For girls, sitting in certain positions or rubbing against a piece of playground equipment, chair, etc., can all point to these behaviors.  Also for girls, strong smells and/or recurring yeast infections can also be signs.

This is a super sensitive and difficult area. We shouldn’t say that they should not touch themselves because it is a “bad area.” We shouldn’t tell them that they shouldn’t do it because those are for pottying only. (That isn’t true.) Again, telling them that those areas are for pottying, married relationships (at the appropriate ages—no reason to tell them this before they need to know; we used the “tell only what they ask approach”), and having children are straight forward answers that are also truths.

(11)  Provide your children with a healthy outlook on marital sex.

My husband and I are avid ballroom dancers and have been for over ten years now. One of the studios in which we sometimes visit for practice dances consistently plays this horrible song with lyrics that say, “I wanna do bad things to you…wanna do bad things to you…” referring to going home with the girl and having sex.

Obviously, the illicit sex described in this song is sin, but something that has stood out to me and Ray from this song is that kids are often taught that “sex is bad.” Yes, what this couple in the song was going to do was “bad,” but sexual acts and intercourse are not “bad” in and of themselves. “I want to do bad things to you” indicates that sex is bad.

We are doing our kids no favor by classifying sex as bad. We should clearly teach two aspects of sexuality: (1) Outside of marriage…bad/wrong; (2) Inside marriage….amazing!

With these classifications, they don’t always associate everything sexual with sin—they develop a healthy attitude towards sex. Sex in the right context (one-man/one-woman in marriage) is not bad. It is something to look forward to. Something to save yourself for. Something enjoyable.

How can we teach this to our kids when they are bombarded with “bad” sex messages all the time? We followed a protocol of telling our children exactly what they were asking at any given time—but no more. That is, we answered their question. Let them ask another. Answered that one. And so on. Don’t bombard them with sexual information that they are not asking for/ready for. Likewise, do not create an environment in which they will not ask because they think it is “bad.”

And just like honesty and kindness, we teach a healthy sexual outlook constantly, always watching for “teachable moments,” always ready for the next lesson. Not overdoing it, but not keeping them in the dark so that they wonder too much and have to seek out the information elsewhere.

We also model it. Parents should not shy away from “public displays of affection” in front of our children. Our kids should see us dancing, hugging, kissing, flirting, and desiring to be with each other. They should want what we have someday in the future—and know that it is going to be very good when it happens.

I know that is a lot to process, but in light of the recent news reports, we have to admit that even good families with consistent spiritual teaching can have children involved in sexual misconduct and even abuse or molestation. It is our job as Christian parents to teach and protect our children—and these tips can help us teach and protect well.

Watch the blog for the sequel to this article—“Protecting Our Children From Sexual Abuse Away From Home.”  This article will deal with sleepovers, authority figures, other people’s homes, childcare situations, and more.

The post Duggar Trouble: What Christian Parents Should Really Be Focusing On appeared first on Character Ink.

One way that we like to help parents determine whether a child’s behavior is of a serious nature or whether it is simply childishness that needs training, rewards, more training, follow-through, and consequences to solve it is by using the benchmark of the 4D’s.

If you have been to our Raising Kids With Character parenting seminar, you have probably heard us describe the importance of determining which behavior a child is having. This is because the behaviors that we call the 4D’s are heart-oriented and more life-affecting than those that are simply childishness such as irresponsibility, laziness, or messiness.

That is, we take the four D’s behavior more seriously and attack it with more intentionality than we would childish behavior that we can train and teach from area

It will help you to be able to discern between the two types of behaviors if you recognize and memorize the 4D’s:

D-1: disobedience

This is willful behavior that is the opposite of what the child is told or is ignoring what the child is told. This is not to be confused with forgetfulness in early chore training or not understanding something he is told or not following through on “routine commands.” (He might need a morning routine chart or a “room, groom, dress, mess pie” to follow through on new skills and routines.) Willful disobedience means that the child knows and understands the instruction or the command but simply chooses not to follow it.

D-2: disrespect

Is also a willful behavior in which a child (or anybody) chooses to not show proper respect to an authority figure. Disrespect in a child usually begins in the home with disrespecting the parents. The reason this D is so important is not only because of the biblical admonition to respect parents but also because the other behaviors, that are the other 3-D’s will often not follow if this D is disregarded. Additionally, this D has a huge impact on the child’s success as an adult. The continuation of this D usually surfaces in school situations, with grandparents, leaders of clubs and organizations, etc.

D-3: deceit

Involves active lying, but also includes many other behaviors that stem from lying. Parents are often concerned about lying and stealing, but often overlook other “lesser” behaviors that are just as serious, such as not telling the whole truth, sneaking, and saying “I was just joking” to cover up you should not have said.

D-4: destruction

Destruction is an easy one to be confused with childishness. As a D, it does not include breaking things on accident, spilling things, dropping things, etc. Those things are childishness and we should teach toward those things or should I say away from those things smile… In this case, destruction is willfulness. It is breaking things or harming things on purpose. This is a heart behavior and should be carefully examined to be sure it is so before the child’s behavior is determined to be destruction.

I’m working on a podcast episode right now about what to do with the kindergarten student – that is, what should our focus be behavior wise as well as watching for readiness and when a child is ready to begin formal instruction. The four D’s are important to note in starting school. This is because they are so crucial to a child’s life-long submission and obedience to authority, honesty, and meanness, and they are heart behaviors that we should not overlook in an effort to move on academics.

To learn more about the four Ds of behavior versus character training and how to handle both types of behaviors well, check out our parenting seminar, Raising Kids With Character.

The post Discerning Between the 4D’s of Behavior and Childishness appeared first on Character Ink.

I am doing a new series on “back to school” (see the first post here), and as part of that, I am encouraging moms to learn some efficiency and organizational strategies to make the school year better. I look back on my thirty-one years of homeschooling so far and realize that each year, each season, each month was really another opportunity to add another skill, another layer to my organization, efficiency, and home management strategies.

Some of my ideas flopped terribly (the “no breakfast, just fruit followed by brunch” idea or the “lunches made up on divided plates using leftovers” idea—yeah, they didn’t work), but I was not disheartened. I guess I’m a little bit like Thomas Edison in that: “I have not failed 10,000 times. I have successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work.”
“I have not failed fifty-four times in a way to make breakfasts and lunches more efficient. I have successfully found fifty-four times that didn’t work!” 🙂

However, many of my outrageous ideas were successes—and have given me tools to manage my home and homeschool that I have just loved!

So without further ado, I whet your appetite for the coming posts with this list of Ten Ways to Get Things Done FAST for Families…join us! And tell your friends about us. Coz school year 2015-2016 could just be the best, most organized, most heart-affecting year ever!

Ten Ways to Get Things Done FAST for Families

 (1) Have a timer burst
 (2) Institute a horizontal surface cleaning approach
 (3) Have a “dad in the driveway” blitz
 (4) Have at least two consistent chore sessions so that daily things are not always looming
 (5) Announce a “room to room” time
 (6) Make four of one entrée every week—makes dinner super fast
 (7) Have a “do your favorite task” time
(8) Have a “successful next day” routine at night
 (9) Call for two times your age sessions
(10) Instill an “I can do anything for five minutes” approach

The post New Series: Ten Ways to Get Things Done FAST for Families appeared first on Character Ink.

Throughout the years, we have been told that we take parenting too seriously. Yes, people actually told us that. They told us to lighten up. They have told us it doesn’t have to be as hard as we make it.

However, we have never believed them. Is it possible to take the most important job you’ll ever be asked to do seriously? Is it really possible to simplify the active parenting that much? After all, is it parenting, that is, raising people, by its very nature non-simple?

While there are ways to simplify the processes of homemaking and even parenting in general when it comes to schedules, multitasking, and prioritizing, the bottom line is that parenting is hard work.

Many years ago however, we hit upon what we see as the number one secret to successful parenting: availability. Just like the quote by dear Abby says: “you want your children to turn out well, spent half as much money on them and twice as much time,” the truth of the matter is that children take a lot of time to raise well.

While you can shortcut meal planning, hire someone for housecleaning, and get help for laundry and other tasks, our children just want us. It is not possible to create more time at a set amount of time anymore than it is possible to wish that a dollar bill were five dollar bill.

Children take a long time at each level and age – nursing and rocking infants, playing with the chasing toddlers, reading to an rumbling with preschoolers, instructing elementary children, and reaching the heart of our tweens and teens.

While I love to be inspired and to inspire others, I am a teacher at heart, and teaching is what I must do. Always.

So here are some tips for finding the time that is really required to raise our children well:

1) Time yourself on “free time” activities—I know we all want free time (and maybe even deserve it), but we have each child for eighteen years—let’s give them the time they need during those years. By setting a timer on what could be come major “time wasters,” we will be sure to use our free time wisely and have more time left for our children.

2) Set dates and times to be with your kids. We schedule calendar meetings or plan to meet in the living room or plan to go places together. If you fail to plan, you will plan to fail!

3) Decide which household tasks and jobs can done later—or not at all. My expectations for my house, yard, etc., have dropped significantly through the years in an effort to give my children more time.

4) Work fewer hours. We have had to adjust our work time—yes, we have less money, but since we want to “spend less money and more time” on our kids anyway, it all works out!  🙂

5) Evaluate hobbies and activities carefully. Can some of these wait until kids are out of the house?

Time—our kids want it. Our kids need it. And it takes a lot of it to do this parenting thing well!

The post What Our Kids Need the Most: TIME! appeared first on Character Ink.