“Mom, that’s not fair!”

“Why can’t I…..”

“It’s her turn!”

One of the ways that our children begin the disrespect spiral is when we let them “talk back” to us. At first, this can be simply questioning us with a slightly raised voice. But before we know it, it can become full-fledged disrespect. And the more we allow it, the more it happens.

But what is a parent to do when they want kids who are able to talk freely about things? What should we do when we want to build an open, honest relationship with constant dialogue, yet every time our child disagrees with us, it becomes a shouting match?

A couple of weeks ago, I talked about the Recipe for Rebellion ingredient of “Rules Without Response.” That is, our children become rebellious towards us when we DON’T allow them to respond to us—but when they do respond, it turns into disrespect.

We found a solution to this nearly thirty years ago….and it has served our family well, allowed us to have super close relationships with our kids throughout their teen and young adult years, and kept communication going without allowing disrespect to seep in.

It was called “the godly appeal” when we first learned of, but I prefer to call it “the Quiet Questioning”—focusing on the fact that we let the child question us—but it is quiet (i.e. in a respectful, permitted manner).

Quiet Questioning is a non-argumentative, non-confrontational way for our children to express their disagreement with our rules for them. It opens doors of communication that would literally be slammed in our children’s faces if we just tell them to “do what I say; I don’t want to hear about it.” It gives our teens more of a sense of control in their lives—and provides multiple teaching opportunities for us (which our teens can, in turn, apply to other situations in their lives).

In Quiet Questioning if a child does not agree with something, he asks respectfully if he may question it.

I even recommend using these exact words, so that you have “key words” that indicate that the child is getting control of himself so you should listen to him: “May I quietly question?”

After the quiet question, the parent gives one of three answers: yes, no, or later. The child must then accept that answer as part of the quiet questioning process (not argue, beg, etc.).

At that time, the parent gives one of three answers: yes, no, or later. The child then must accept that answer (not argue, beg, etc.). If the answer is yes, the question is heard and considered by the parents. Sometimes this is in front of other siblings. Many times it is not, depending on the subject being questioned, who it applies to, and the intensity of the child’s questioning.

If the answer is no, the matter is dropped, though it may be brought up later, when more information is gathered or when the time is more appropriate (i.e. not in the heat of an argument or not when parents are unable to deal with it right then, etc.).

If the answer is later, the child may bring it up at another, more convenient, time. (Sometimes we even told our children that they may question tomorrow or next week when we are not traveling or not in the middle of a big project, etc.)

How to Make Quiet Questioning Successful

There are some guidelines that make quietly questioning successful:

1. If the question is disrespectful or done in anger, it is turned down immediately.

2. If the question is a series of whines and complaints, rather than a truly quiet question, it is turned down.

3. If a child begins disagreeing a lot or constantly trying to question, the question process is terminated for a period of time until that person learns to accept Mom and Dad’s rules more often than not. (More about kids being characterized by cooperation “more often than not” later.)

4. If the questioning process becomes an argument, it is ended.

5. If the person questioning is turned down, but later has more information (“new evidence”), he may re- question that topic.

6. The question is truly listened to and thought through by Mom and Dad. Do not pretend to listen to questions, but not regard your children’s pleas. This is another “Recipe for Rebellion” in itself. (Kids know if the questioning process is just a formality and you are not truly listening to them.)

7. The person questioning is not constantly interrupted by Mom and Dad with justifications. The child should not be patronized during a quiet question, but carefully listened to and respected.

8. Once the answer to the question is given, the matter must be dropped for the time being. Granted, it might need re-visited, but to continue the questioning once an answer is given is arguing, not quiet questioning.

9. Parents must agree on the answer to the question at the time. Later, behind closed doors, discussion between Mom and Dad may need to take place, but in front of the child, a united front is imperative.

Quiet Questioning is a privilege for mature children. It should not be used by children who complain and grumble all of the time. It should not be used as a “formal means” of arguing. (The words, “May I quietly question?,” should not be substituted for the child’s normal means of disagreeing as an attempt to begin “discussion and arguments.”)

A child should have godly character and be characterized by (“known by”) submission and obedience in order to utilize this relational tool. It is an avenue by which children and teens who readily accept the family’s rules may disagree respectfully and be heard.

When discussing these concepts recently with our grown son Joshua (married; thirty-four), it was interesting to us to note that he said that he did not mind our rules—even if he disagreed with them. According to him, the reason he did what we wanted him to do (outside of love—see “Rules Without Relationship” next week) during any of our less-than-rational-rule-time is because no matter what rule we made, what standard we expected, or what behavior we demanded, we always listened to him.

According to him, even if we did not change the rule or expected result, we still let him talk and let him disagree with us (via the quiet question process). He noted that it didn’t matter if we followed his suggestions, just the fact that we were listening to him made all the difference in the world. According to him, we did not give him freedom to do as he pleased when he disagreed with something, but we did give him intellectual freedom–the freedom to think and to question us. That alone made Quiet Questioning in our home so important to us.

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“A good tomorrow starts tonight!”

– Ray and Donna Reish, Character Ink Press

This week I have created a video in which I answer moms’ questions about scheduling their school day, specifically the importance of a good morning routine, using morning charts, night people vs. morning people, what you do the night before, block scheduling, order of your day, and more.

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The post [Video] Wondering Wednesday: Scheduling Q & A appeared first on Character Ink.

Do you state more than ask? Do your sentences to your children almost always end with a period rather than a question mark? If so, you might need to learn the lost of art of asking questions to build relationships (with your kids and others!).
 

Many years ago we were introduced to the concept of teaching like Jesus taught. We have since delved into that further, realizing that Jesus was not only a model of how to teach concepts to our children, but he was also the epitome of relationship building with people. This has helped us in our parenting and discipling of our children in general (not just in “teaching” or homeschooling).
 

Jesus used various types of teaching. This showed us that some kids need a certain type of instruction while others need something else. But there was one thing he did that every child needs—a parent who asks questions.
 

In Matthew 18:12, Jesus asked the question, “What do you think?” This has become a common mantra for our parenting/teaching. We have wanted to allow the kids to tell us what they already know or what they think—and then we could build on that. Asking open ended questions is a super method for academic training—and for heart training.
 

Asking questions is all the rage now in business building, counseling, relationship building, and more. It is, however, often overlooked as a way to get into our children’s hearts and minds.
 

I think this is in part because we tend to view questioning our kids as invasive—like they will think we are interrogating them or something.

Here are a few question asking tips for you:
 

1) Start young 

I know…I say this about everything. But it is so true about everything!

In questioning our kids specifically, if we start asking them questions when they are very young, it will not seem suspicious when we really do need to interrogate sometime. 🙂

2) Ask open ended questions—like Jesus did!
We used a few key open ended questions with our kids:

a. What do you think?
b. How do you think he feels?
c. What ya thinkin’?
d. Penny for your thoughts (See the article on this here.)

3) Get your kids accustomed to your asking questions when they get home from somewhere or when you pick them up after an event.

Our kids thought something was wrong if we didn’t start asking them questions as soon as they got in the vehicle!
Sometimes we would ask general questions to get them talking (who was there, was it fun, what did you do, etc.). Other times we would say things like…”Details…I need details!” (They always loved this because it was really code for “I have as much time as you need..”).
 

We often ended with what contribution they made…who did you talk to, who did you help, how did you include people, etc. (You can ask questions and teach at the same time!)
4) Be sure there are lots of questioning times with no ulterior motives or lessons planned. (See When You Just Need to Listen here.)

Sometimes we just need to get them started talking. We don’t need to have ulterior motives to teach, instruct, or correct. We just need to get their words and heart flowing.

Asking questions is a great way to do this!
What questions do you ask your kids to get discussions going? How has question-asking helped your family?

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The post 52 Weeks of Talking to Our Kids: When It’s Time to Ask Questions appeared first on Character Ink.

Welcome to one of our May Wondering Wednesday posts! This is the time of year that I get questions about putting kids in school next year! 🙁

Sorry for the frowny face, but you have to know that a woman who is wrapping up her final (and her thirty-second!) year of homeschooling would have a frowny face about not homeschooling! 😉

Yep…I’m pretty crazy about it.

So this video is my answer to a reader’s question about whether her son should come back to homeschooling or stay in school—with some other circumstances (siblings are homeschooling, child wants to come home, parents like the accountability provided by going to school etc.).

I hope it helps some of you see the amazing opportunity we have to homeschool—and that it doesn’t have to be school or free-for-all. We can do this thing! (Persevering she was!)

Love and hope,

Donna

Subscribe to us on YouTube!

LINKS

Summer Series
[Podcast] From Chaos to Control; Rowdy to Routine
[Podcast] Five Homeschooling Problems and Solutions
[Podcast] 30 Tips from 30 Years

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The post [Video] Should You Continue Homeschooling? appeared first on Character Ink.

Welcome to Part II of II about story time. I have been answering questions for some young moms, and these posts are those answers. (You can read part one here.)

Before I dig in to the rest of my answers, I want to give you my podcasts that have references or even more answers about story time and structuring your toddler’s and preschooler’s days over all:
 
(1) Room Time
(2) Turning Preschoolers into the Darling Angels They Were Meant to Be
(3) Solving Common Preschooler Behavior Problems
(4) What Should I Do With a Kindergartener?
(5) How Do I Prepare My Child to Learn to Read?
(6) Summer Reading Help
(7) Toddler Troubles
(8) Story Time

(1) If your two year old isn’t ready even for the easy part of story time, I would do the short story time alone with the two year old and one year old.

I mentioned earlier that a “private story time” in Mama’s rocking chair for toddlers (twelve to twenty months, usually) was the beginning of weaning for my littles. Basically, I replaced a nursing with stories, songs, and rhymes. And yes, it was absolutely wonderful and blissful. Enjoy every moment, young mamas!

(2) If the two year old is ready, but the only problem is interrupting too often with questions, I would consider any of the following ideas:

a. Let him choose the first book and tell him this is his “question book.” For this book only, we can stop a lot, answer questions, etc. (Oh…those interactive books that the two year olds had to do everything to…..brutal!) This is his story, and you can use it as a quality teaching time for him.

b. For the rest of the books that he stays for, tell him he can have one “excuse me.” This is one time that he can have you flip back, answer a question, etc.

c. Let him take the books that he has the most questions or that you know he wants to know more about to bed with him—and tell him after his nap he can bring the book to you for more questions.

d. If he can’t do the one “excuse me,” just let him be interactive on the first book only until he can handle it. (Always match privilege with responsibility in all aspects of parenting.)

(3) While you are trying to find what is comfortable for your family, always keep in mind the olders.

Don’t let story time turn into something they dread or something that they do not benefit from by letting littles (even though they are amazing and sweet) monopolize it.

The trickle down effect of what you teach and do with your olders is astonishing. Toddlers who run the home (or even run story time!) can really disrupt this process.

So definitely spend lots of time with your littles; love them; read, rock, sing, and play. But do not let them take over unit study times, story times, etc., and detract consistently from what you are doing with your olders.

Hope this helps!

I have to end with a cute story time story.

When Joshua (our oldest) was around ten, he decided that he was too old for story time. (They never outgrew unit studies but eventually did story time.) So on the day he decided to not come to story time, I was lying in bed with four other littles reading away when I heard a noise in the hallway. He was sitting on the floor in the hallway listening. I told him he could join us, but he said he was just resting. Next thing I knew, he was sitting in the doorway. Then on the floor beside the bed. The, of course, across the foot of the bed! The next day he joined us for quite some time thereafter! 🙂

The post Story Time Questions and Answers Part II of II: Story Time With Toddlers appeared first on Character Ink.

I have been receiving questions again lately about story time, so I want to write a couple of posts addressing these questions specifically. Before I do, however, be sure you check out my podcasts that have references or even more answers about story time and structuring your toddler’s and preschooler’s days over all:

(1) Room time
(2) Turning Preschoolers into the Darling Angels They Were Meant to Be
(3) Solving Common Preschooler Behavior Problems
(4) What Should I Do With a Kindergartener?
(5) How Do I Prepare My Child to Learn to Read?
(6) Summer Reading Help
(7) Toddler Troubles
(8) Story Time

Now on to the answers!

I treated story time much like I treated unit studies (or “subject reading” as Joshua used to call it when he was five!).

Some Basics:

(1) Story time is a privilege that is earned…not something you automatically get to do (as were unit studies).

Thus, there was a readiness that was needed in order to join story time: the ability to lie in the bed with everybody without moving too much, getting up, etc.

(We used to do a two hour story time in bed followed by a two hour nap…even me! For real! Amazing, huh? Ray worked twelve or thirteen hours a day, and I seldom went anywhere…plenty of time to get everything done, read for hours, AND take a nap! LOL)

This pretty much eliminated anybody under two joining our regular story time. If these guidelines were not met, the child just went to bed for his nap (with books in his bed and one side of a story tape), and he could try again later in a few days (not a bunch of back and forth and in and out)….this takes me to my next “basic.”

(2) We always taught to the oldest.

Everything we did at first was based on our oldest two kids—the others could always join, but we emphasized our older kids for sure. This is often opposite of what families with untrained littles do. They often do not see how they can focus on the olders when they continue to let one, two, and three year olds be too high need. Just my two cents….:)

(3) In light of always teaching to the oldest, we wanted unit studies and story time to be the most effective that they could be for the older kids.

If we allowed a two year old (or one year old) to monopolize that time, this simply wasn’t happening.

(4) That is not to say that we did not do things with the littles or that we didn’t consider their needs.

But we didn’t let their “wants” keep us from meeting our older kids’ needs (educationally, spiritual training, fun times, etc.).

Specific Tips for Story Time:

(1) Children who were not old enough (i.e. not “ready”) to join story time every day had their own story time.

Those older kids that we spent so much time with and on cleaned the kitchen after lunch each day while I rocked, read to, and did rhymes and stories with the toddler. (This was actually the beginning of weaning for us—replacing the noon nursing with the toddler’s own story time!)

This allowed the toddler to learn to enjoy reading without interrupting the olders’ story time. It also signaled a change in schedule, slowing down, etc. And it provided routine so that the toddler knew what was next. (After his story time, he got “dropped off at the bus stop” (carrying the bus stop approach to unit studies into the story time example)—his crib for his looonnng (three to four hour!) nap. (How else was I going to do a two hour story time and two hour nap for myself!?) Note: This was ten minutes long tops.

(2) Children who were old enough gathered their books.

Whoever’s day it was did the following: (a) get the book basket with our ongoing books (Family Bible Library or whatever ongoing Bible study that we didn’t already do for unit studies—I did two a day besides devoes; chapter book; poetry or hymn books; longer picture books (especially our Answers in Genesis picture books, which were longer), nature book/magazines, sometimes biographies, but these were usually done in the mornings, etc.); (b) got two books from the bookcase or library basket; and came to my room with those things.

Everybody else got their one book choice. The person whose day it was got to sit closest—and his books were the first and last read. (Who says you can’t make things special when you have so many kids or do things more “individualized”????)

(3) We always kept book markers (or “picks” as my kids called them) in our ongoing books and just picked up where we had left off the day before.

Eventually, we got through tons of chapter books, nature books, etc., using this method. As in hundreds of chapter books….one of my greatest accomplishments was reading these chapter books aloud to my children. The memories and affection resulting in these chapter books were worth all the time.

(4) If a child was able to come to story time but necessarily for the whole two hours, we used the “bus stop approach” that you have heard me talk about with our unit studies.

In that way, we would do all of the picture books first (shorter books with pictures like the Five in a Row books, children’s classics, whatever they picked.

Then, just like in unit studies, the two or three year old would be dropped off at the bus station (i.e. beds for naps). More often than not, they would just fall asleep before we got to the harder books. If we did story time on the sofa, I would send them to bed for their naps when they were getting too fidgety or tired. (And they could have one side of a story tape once they got there.)

Note: For unit studies, I did the same thing—started with easy materials then moved to harder ones. At a certain point, the littles could be dropped off at the bus station—but instead of going to bed for naps, they could stay in the room and play quietly on the floor, which they almost always chose to do. (At some point in unit studies, the littles would often have room time that we had set up ahead of time.)

(5) Then once the littles were asleep or in bed, we would move onto the ongoing books and chapter books.

I tried not to make it a repeat of unit studies, but my kids often picked the creation books, nature books, etc. I did try to save the more fun books for story time, generally speaking.

The post Story Time Questions & Answers Part I of II: General Story Time Tips appeared first on Character Ink.