Recently when my sister, her husband, and her two young teen daughters were here visiting in Indiana from North Carolina, we took as many from our family who could come and my sister’s family to our local YMCA to play a game called “walleyball” (rhymes with volleyball). This game is similar to volleyball in its rules–with the addition of walls as it is played in a racquetball court.

Since the court is smaller than a regular court, the game is actually a little easier for those who are not as strong–but not as easy for stronger people who hit the back wall (one of the out of bounds zones) quite often. The combination of the walls, the rules, the size of the court, and the various strengths of the players that night has made me think over and over again in the days since we played about the idea of the “mulligan.”

As indicated in the opening of this post, a mulligan is “an extra stroke allowed after a poor shot”–that is NOT counted on the scorecard or against the one who has been issued the “second chance.”

This term is one that we have thrown around our family of seven children (now ages seventeen through thirty-two) for years since my husband is a master at adapting games to fit the crowd who is playing. He loves to bring two or three families together and modify a kickball game or our oldest son’s homemade handball invention in order to allow littles to play with biggies; parents to play with children; and lesser skilled participants to play with “athletes.” Thus, a “mulligan” is a familiar word–and one that has been spoken many, many times in our home over our thirty-two years of parenting as we have enjoyed playing with our children.

It wasn’t uncommon during our walleyball night to hear someone shout “mulligan” whenever a person attempted to serve but didn’t make it over the net. Then we would evaluate and determine “yes” the person gets a mulligan or “no” he does not. What has led me to think of these mulligans quite often since that evening is the criterion on which we based giving mulligans during our play.

I mean, how does someone tell a sweet, small, twelve-year-old balletic niece that she cannot have a do-over after she tried so hard to get the ball over the net?  Or how do you turn down a poor middle-aged sister (*smile*) who is still recovering from frozen shoulder surgery: “too bad–you should have hit it harder”?

So when did we give mulligans that night–and what does this have to do with parenting?

Allow me to give you our walleyball mulligan run-down:

1. My younger niece is not a “ball” type of athlete. She is a dancer, cheerleader, and gymnast. She is also fairly tiny. She was a good sport about the whole night–but walleyball probably wouldn’t be her first choice of games. Because she is small, she had trouble getting her serves over at times, so everybody agreed to give our sweet Brittany some mulligans when her serve fell short of the net.

2. My sister had just had surgery for frozen shoulder approximately ten weeks before our Y night. She was able to play okay, but definitely didn’t have the range of motion that a serve often requires. Thus, we moved her closer to the net and gave her mulligans.

3. Our youngest daughter (24) has never been a volleyball player. She always thought she was terrible at it, and she often sat on the sidelines and watched others play through the years (in spite of her being very fit, a runner, and serious ab-workout girl!). She wouldn’t ask for a mulligan when she missed, but because she has just been learning volleyball over the past few years, we sometimes offered her a mulligan as well.

Who didn’t get a mulligan?

1. I adore volleyball. I played a little in high school, and while I’m not great at it, my years of experience in playing it at picnics, etc., meant that I was not a mulligan candidate.

2. See that athlete in the picture above–serious tennies and headband? That is our son’s wife who was the captain of her high school volleyball team and took MVP at nationals. She played a year of volleyball in college–no mulligan for that expert!

3. See that young man below? He is our seventeen year old–our youngest child. And he can be hyper, funny, loud, helpful, compassionate, and crazy all at the same time. On this particular night, he (as many seventeen year old boys do) tried to serve overhanded as hard as he could in an effort to score on every serve. Thus, he often hit the ball too hard and hit the back wall or the ceiling–both out of bounds spots. No mulligan for someone who knows how to do it but is hot dogging! 😉

4. None of the men or teen boys got mulligans. They are strong, athletic, and competitive. No motivation or encouragement was needed!

So what does this have to do with parenting? More than you might think.

In the “game” of parenting, we have the opportunity every day to give more chances or to show “tough love”–to extend grace or to train through consequences. We face these situations often unprepared.

We lament over them–“I just feel like if I don’t bring his shoes to gym class and he gets an F for the day, he will blame me” or “I know we have told her dozens of times not to leave her phone lying around at the gym, but now that it is stolen, I feel sorry for her because she misses talking to her friends. And we homeschool, so her phone is a way she socializes,” etc. etc. etc.

And I am not making light of any of these scenarios. We, after all, have raised six “teens”–and have one teen that we are in the thick of raising (a last child, nonetheless!).

Grace. Training. Mercy. Responsibility. I mean, honestly, who wants to choose among those?

warming up…

But let’s break down our walleyball game a little further to see if we can get some benchmarks for giving our kids mulligans:

1. Brittany is younger. She is not as strong as the big guys. She is not as used to ball handling like her sister who plays basketball at school. Extending mulligans to Brittany, who was trying to serve the ball over the net with all her might and had a good attitude in the process, is a good decision.

And so is giving a mulligan to a child who is struggling and genuinely wants to change/alter his behavior/make things different. And you know what? Most of the time we parents know when this child deserves a mulligan. The key is going to be to not give mulligans forever to a struggling child–but to gradually reduce the mulligans as the child becomes stronger and more adept.

2. My sister was injured for pity’s sake! She was being a sport just joining in the family fun.

When a child is downhearted or overwhelmed, he often needs grace. I don’t mean in trouble because of continual bad decisions or poor character but rather truly discouraged. When mercy is extended to a child in this situation, it can make a huge difference in how he pulls himself up by his bootstraps and gets moving in the right direction.

How long does a person with a shoulder injury need to recuperate before she should just serve already? Just as my sister’s doctor told her that it varies from person to person (with hers being more extensive once they got in there and found bone spurs as well), so it is with our children.

This is where heart parenting really comes in to play. Should the mulligans come to an end and this “injured one” come back now? Are we prolonging the healing process by not letting her live with consequences?

Someone who is hurting needs a mulligan–but not forever.

3. Volleyball playing is somewhat of a new experience for Kara. Granted, she is twenty-four, but she has only been getting on the court and playing over the past couple of years. You could say that she is in volleyball training.

A child who is “in training” in a certain area needs more mulligans than the child who has already been doing that skill or task for a while. We talk about this in our parenting seminar (Raising Kids With Character)–the idea of “childishness.” Childishness (forgetfulness, irresponsibility, etc.) in a child who is still learning his morning routine or his after school chores is best handled incrementally–with mulligans in place as needed–but not so many mulligans that the immaturity and irresponsibility remain.

We gave Kara a mulligan or two–but her volleyball training is about over (evidenced by how much better she played tonight than the previous time we played), and her walleyball mulligans are about to come to an end as well.

What about those who didn’t get mulligans?

1. Strong people who have done something over and over again do not need the motivation that comes with a mulligan (usually). It was easy to tell our twenty-two year old, athletic son to roll the ball under the net if he hit the ceiling on his serve. No training was taking place; no motivation or encouragement was needed.

2. Those who were hitting the ball so hard that it hit the ceiling or the back wall did not need mulligans. They needed to learn cause and effect. Walleyball is different than volleyball–the court is shorter and the back wall and ceiling are off limits. If you continue to smack the ball with that force, you will serve it out, and the other team will get the ball.

It wasn’t that hard in our walleyball game to determine who got a mulligan and who didn’t.

And while that isn’t always the case in parenting, we can use some key benchmarks for extending grace, including age of the child, past experience, whether other consequences have already been in place but didn’t help, the attitude of the child at the time, the frequency with which something occurs, the strength of the child, and more.

Because sometimes each one of us needs a mulligan in this game called life. But we also need to learn and grow. Because each of us needs a little grace sometimes. But because the Bible tells us that we can easily take advantage of that grace. Because we don’t want to exasperate our children. But we don’t want to be the kind of parent who doesn’t help our child become responsible or kind or thoughtful. Yes, sometimes we need to give our children mulligans.

The post When Do I Give My Child a “Mulligan”? appeared first on Character Ink.

The post Your Kids Will Do To and For Others What You Have Done To and For Them…. appeared first on Character Ink.

The post “When You Rise Up”: Faith in the Mornings— “Rockies and Reading” Part I of II appeared first on Character Ink.

Once things are underway in our home in the mornings, the kids have a tendency to put on the “listen of the time”—usually Adventures in Odyssey, Jonathan Park, Down Gilead Lane, Sugar Creek Gang, Father Gilbert, Your Story Hour, Focus on the Family radio dramas, or talking books (often Boxcar Children or Magic Tree House, though lately it’s been Little House books unless one of the older guys is manning the player, in which case it might be Les Miserable or Tale of Two Cities!). While faith and character are definitely included in many of those, especially Odyssey, Jonathan Park, Gilead, Sugar Creek, and Your Story Hour, I like to “do hard things” first. It’s easy to listen to radio dramas; it’s entertaining to listen to chapter books; but it takes work, brain power, engagement, and “putting on the mind of Christ” to do more devotional types of material.

Therefore, one of my favorite “listens” to put on in the morning is the Bible—either dramatized or not. We have had many of these through the years—and have many fond memories of them, like the time when Joshua turned twelve and listened to the entire Old Testament in eight weeks or when we have listened to an entire New Testament book during a family work evening. But clicking on a chapter or two in the mornings and having that playing in the background (super alternative to morning television or news radio!) is an uplifting, faith-building way to begin the day.

The link below is an awesome Bible listening link. If you have your computer in the main area of the home (another suggestion we have for families who want to protect their kids from harmful internet possibilities), you can “click” and listen to the Bible right in the main traffic areas of your home first thing in the morning!

Bible Gateway: Choose version and book of the Bible—then click the “speaker” to hear it on audio. A neat feature is that it has the text on the screen as well, so if you hear something you want to double check, you can look at the words as well. https://www.biblegateway.com/

The following link has “the Bible on one page”—click on the chapter of the book and you will go directly to it at the Bible Gateway. Then you click to hear it or read it—you may also change the version. This is a cool little page: https://www.jrsbible.info/bible.htm

The post “When You Rise Up”: Faith in the Mornings— Faith Listening—Part I of I appeared first on Character Ink.

3. Decide ahead of time what your “behavior absolutes” are.

a. These are the behaviors or character that you absolutely will not allow in your home. What you allow now will become the “acceptable behaviors” to your child. These seemingly innocent actions include “fibbing,” hitting, running the other way when called, etc.

b. For us, these “behavior absolutes” included talking back (no toddler saying “no” without being punished); lying or deceit; temper tantrums; and striking (hitting, pulling hair, throwing things at someone, etc.). Obviously, we wanted our kids to learn to obey and submit to us and to learn the many character qualities that are crucial to living a Christian life, but these four things were things we never wavered on—and things that we made huge deals out of when they were not adhered to by the toddler/preschooler.

4. Start showing your little one the joy of doing what is right. Contentment in your own life, the blessing of work, the joy of loving God and His people—and all of the character that you want your little one to adopt in his life—love, longsuffering, diligence, responsibility, and more will more likely be realized in our kids’ lives when we ourselves embrace and model them.

5. Try to establish routines that will aid in his character development—bedtimes, rising times, little “chores” (putting his books in his book basket after you read), nap times, meal times, story time, etc.

For more tips on toddlers and babies, click on the links provided below:

Who makes the decisions for the children—starts here and goes for a few days: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/10/day-260-who-makes-decisions-for.html

Say what you mean—starts here and goes for two days: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/09/day-248-dont-leave-your-little-one-at.html

Storytime: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/07/day-204-story-time.html

The post Character Q & A: How Can I Start Character Training With My Toddler? Part II of II appeared first on Character Ink.

Answer: If you are just starting out with your family and have only a toddler, you have the perfect opportunity to start out right in the character training of your children! I will offer some general tips below, but even more importantly than the “daily ins and outs” of the ideas I recommend, I suggest that you read Parenting Paradigms at this blog. Even if you take to heart some of the ideas for your little one given in this Q and A, in the end, you will be more successful at character training if you have a firm handle on what you believe about parenting and children.

Toddler Character Training Tips:

1. Start adapting the toddler to your schedule and your family’s lifestyle as soon as you can (six to nine months) rather than making your family’s life revolve around the little one’s “wants.” You want to enjoy your toddler within the dynamics that your family already has (with the addition of the joy and wonder that a toddler brings into the family, of course)—as opposed to making everything change to meet unnecessary and often damaging demands that a toddler who is given his own way all the time can often make.

2. Remember that you are setting the stage right now for your child’s “tastes” (follow us on PP 365 or schedule our seminar for more details about this important concept).

a. You can set his tastes for defiance (allowing screaming, throwing, thrashing, and “no” from him) or submission.

b. You can set his tastes for selfishness and meanness (allowing hitting or other forms of striking, giving in to him when he wants something that someone else has, always making his surroundings whatever he wants (i.e. no bedtime, no sitting in high chair, etc.) due to “fits” or for kindness, gentleness, sweetness, and tenderness.

c. You can set his tastes for hyper-stimulation and activity (too much running; no scheduled down times; television and videos all the time) or for simple things (books, healthy toys, rest, etc.).

d. You can set his tastes to lack focus and not enjoy learning (again, too much video, not starting out with books and simple music; an avalanche of cartoons and children’s programming (some of which are developed in two second bits to keep up with short attention spans, thus, causing kids’ attention spans not to lengthen as they should) or a love for learning (via books, strong family learning and discussion times, etc.).

Tomorrow—deciding “behavior absolutes” for your toddler and establishing routines.

The post Character Q & A: How Can I Start Character Training With My Toddler? Part I of II appeared first on Character Ink.

“You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up…”





To get your mind churning about the many ways we can start powerful, life-affecting discussions with our children as we “walk by the way” on vacation, field trips, at the park, in the zoo, and within our homes, I want to give you a short list of some of the talks we had as a result of our hour long visit to the infamous baseball player’s home place. (See yesterday’s post to learn more about our visit there.)


Read through this list and jot down some notes for your family—what things have you watched, read, seen, or experienced that could lead to true spiritual, mental, moral, and ethics teaching in your children’s lives?




*Could a person who broke sports records in a certain game actually be involved in “throwing” that game? Is Jackson’s record breaking that day proof that he was not involved in the cheating? (Jackson made baseball history with his remarkable performance on the day that he supposedly cheated.)


*Does poor leadership and unfair treatment by an authority give us an excuse to take things into our own hands or even “cheat” to get what is due us? (It was purported that the “throwing” was initiated because of the owner, Cominsky’s, mistreatment of his players.)


*What does a hasty response lead to? (It was thought that perhaps Joe Jackson agreed to the cheating on a whim or as a joke but then didn’t really want to or plan to.)


*Does trying to return stolen goods or “dirty money” make everything all right? (It was said that once he did get the money, he went to Cominsky/coaches to give it back as proof that he didn’t want to partake in the activity.)


*What role did illiteracy play in all of Jackson’s troubles? How important is literacy at a basic level and critical thinking at higher levels in not getting involved in things unknowingly? (Again, another reasoning for Jackson’s trouble was his inability to read/write and his signing of documents that led him into more trouble.)


*How did getting involved with evil companions lead to “Shoeless’” downfall? What does the Bible say about negative companions and peers? (It was suggested that Joe Jackson got involved with gangster type of teammates, which led to his demise.)

The post Re-Run From Last Year: “Shoeless” Joe Jackson Part II of II appeared first on Character Ink.

https://sports.jrank.org/pages/2246/Jackson-Joseph-Shoeless-Joe.html

The post Re-Run From Last Year: Shoeless Joe Jackson Part I of II appeared first on Character Ink.

1. He knew the needs of the people.

2. He listened to them.

3. He asked them questions to find out what was in their hearts.

4. He told them stories to help them understand difficult concepts.

5. He got up early and stayed up late to be with them.

6. He met them where ever they needed for Him to (i.e. in the sycamore tree or in the dark of night—reminds me of raising teens!).

7. He loved them no matter what.

8. He forgave them over and over again.

9. He never agreed with sin, but He still loved the sinner.

10. He took them on way cool outings and trips—in boats, long walks, parks, hilltops, cemeteries…

Wowsie—I want to be to my children just like God is to me. Wouldn’t that be amazingly relational? Smile….

The post Paradigm #10: Whether or not Christian parenting needs a foundation of relationship and empathy—Part II of II appeared first on Character Ink.

As for our role in a young child’s obedience and self-control, several Scriptures have confirmed our role and impact, as has our toddler and preschool parenting years. First of all, to believe that we can have a strong influence on our little one’s behavior, we must believe the preceding paradigm—that “foolishness is bound in the heart of a child.” That is, we must believe that they are capable of evil—of bad behavior, in spite of their wonderfulness. (I know that’s not a word—but it truly is the best way I can describe young children!)

Then we must believe the second part of this verse—that “discipline will drive the foolishness from the child.”

Those were covered in the last couple of paradigms. However, even more importantly, is the belief that young children are incapable, in most cases, of controlling themselves—and that we are these kids’ “outward control” and initial “conscience influencers” during those years.

I Corinthians 13 says that when I was a child, I thought as a child. Coupling this with “foolishness being bound in the heart of a child,” we believe that they are truly the sweet, darling, yet control-lacking, beings that they appear to be. And we believe that parents are given the role of “outward controller” and even partial “conscience” (and definitely conscience-influencer) during these years. We, as their parents, can control their outward behaviors (through discipline) as we teach them and influence their consciences for the future.

A toddler naturally runs the other way, screams “no,” hits his playmate with the truck, and throws his food from the high chair. A parent can gently discipline the child (controlling his outward behavior for a bit), and build his conscience for future behaviors. (Obviously, this is coupled with Paradigm #10 about relationship being foundational to parenting—coming up soon!)

We will discuss the concept of building the child’s conscience through what some experts call “making deposits in the child’s moral bank” more fully in weeks to come. For now, suffice it to say, that if we believe that we are the child’s “control” at first—and that we are his or her primary “conscience-influencers” during the first few years, we will not be lax in correcting early behaviors that are unacceptable.

The post Paradigm #5: The level of impact that parents of young children have on the obedience and self control of their little ones appeared first on Character Ink.