One of our favorite ways to stay close to our kids was always spending one-on-one time with them. Yes, we had seven children in fourteen years. Yes, we were busy. Yes, my husband worked long hours.

But just about nothing got in the way of staying close to our kids. It was that important. (And it still is today with our adult children ages seventeen to thirty-two!)

Carving out one-on-one time with our kids in a busy household is not easy. Everything is vying for our time and attention. However, one way that we found to do this was to “make a date.” That is, make appointments and actual schedule that time so that (1) the child knew it was coming and (2) we knew that it was already planned and the child knew about it—so we were less likely to cancel. (Somehow, saying that we are going to have more time together just doesn’t work that well!)

We did this in a number of ways—half birthday dinners with Mom and Dad, Wonderful Wednesdays, “sit closest to Mom days,” and many more…all of which give me great joy in their memories.

Recently we have added a downloadable product to our store to help families set up these “appointments” with their kids. They are called “Keep Close Coupons.” The title alone tells your child that time with him or her is important—it is purposeful. That you want time with your child and that you want to be close to him.

I have tips in the Keep Close Coupon front matter describing how to use these coupons, so I thought I would share them here in a blog post as well. These tips apply whether you buy our coupons or create your own. 🙂

(For more on building strong relationships with your kids, see our podcast episode, Ten Tips for Staying Close During Intense Training Times With Tweens and Teens.)

Thoughts about these coupons

(1) There are a lot of coupons for special things floating around, but we like these because their name tells the why behind them. We are going to do this or that because we want to keep close.

(2) Don’t pass them out constantly—and possibly not even once a week. (Other coupons, like affirmation ones, are good for weekly or lunch box types of coupons.)

(3) These should be used to communicate to the child that you want to do something special together so that you can be close to each other.

(4) Try to do low to no cost things so that it doesn’t become a thing where your child always has to DO something in order to be with you. (See ideas below.)

(5) Alternate with just Mom; just Dad; and Mom and Dad together with the child.

(6) The activities together do not have to be long. (Again, see ideas below.) They can be as short as an hour long card game or a walk in the neighborhood.

(7) While you don’t want these to get expensive, if you have pre-teens and teens, do plan to incorporate some food-related outings! It can be simple like an ice cream cone from McDonalds, but our experience has been that tweens and teens love to eat!

(8) Be sure that your times together are not always so activity-driven that you can’t talk and just be together. For example, while going to the movies might be fun, it would be better to go to the park and take a picnic snack and walk around the lake so that you can really connect.

(9) Take notes about what your child likes, what outings or times together meant a lot to him before, etc. Our oldest son thrived on my husband meeting him in the driveway to shoot baskets at ten every night after Ray had put the littles to bed. Some things are more special to some kids than other things are.

(10) If you are giving these to teens, you might not want to put a date on the coupon. While it is easier to schedule with an elementary child (Saturday morning breakfast sandwich at the park), teens’ schedules are often challenging to work around. You want to give him the what then determine a time together that works. (These should not feel like obligations to the teens—like time that you are taking away from other things.)

The post Keeping Kids Close appeared first on Character Ink.

Affirmation. Words of encouragement. Words of praise. Words of confirmation. Words of affection. Words of pride. Words of belonging. These all describe that one word–affirmation.

I recently read an article about a study of hundreds of college athletes that lasted over three decades. In this article,  “What Makes a Nightmare Sports Parent and What Makes a Great One.” these college athletes described two things that are poignant for parents of all children, including non-athletes.

The first question they answered was “What is your worst memory from playing youth and high school sports?”

The majority of those surveyed said, “The ride home from games with my parents.”

(If you have read much of what we have written or heard us speak often, you know that we focus on riding with our children in the van or car as one of the key opportunities to teach, affirm, talk, love, and train. It breaks my heart that this “sacred time” is remembered as one of the most dreadful times for these hundreds of athletes.)

Of course, we can all imagine why–because there probably isn’t a parent reading this (author included) who hasn’t come down on a child on the drive home from something about his performance–teacher conferences, speech contest, debate tournament, soccer game, swim meet, even pick-up basketball games are all opportunities to “teach” our child what he did “wrong” in the aforementioned event.

My husband, who is truly the best dad I know, one who talks to his kids on the phone and in person quite literally hours every day, even does this, so I know it is hard to conquer. And it isn’t always the parent’s fault either–as I know our kids usually probe on the way home from a performance, sermon, or song. They ask us questions that make us feel like we should be “teaching” at that time.

However, we really need to resist the urge to teach at that time. My experience has been that they ask and ask, but they really don’t want a lesson. They really just want to hear the positive at that time. I have to remind myself that there will be time for teaching and lessons later–when the performance, sermon, or song isn’t so fresh.

The study went on to prove this point further by telling how the kids described their joy over grandparents attending their sporting events. It seems that grandparents are more likely to watch, cheer, and then praise–with no lessons or strings attached.

Turning from the negative and what not-to-do, to the positive, these same athletes were asked what their parents did right–what made them feel good about themselves and their performances. The majority of them said that they were filled with joy when their parents simply said six little words:

 “I love to watch you play.”

No lessons, lectures, or analyses. Just six simple words that made hundreds of college and professional athletes look back on their time following sporting events with their parents fondly.

And six little words that we can use to affirm our children all the time.

I was happy to read this article because one of my favorite buzz lines after my kids perform is

I could watch you _________________ forever.

I could watch you dance forever. I could watch you sing forever. I could watch you preach forever. I could watch you teach forever. I could watch you act forever. I could watch you direct forever. I could watch you lead forever. I could watch you play forever. I could watch you study forever.

The thing about these lines—I love to watch you…. or I could watch you ….. forever—is that our child doesn’t have to be the best to say these things. He doesn’t have to have just played a perfect game. He doesn’t have to have just scored the winning run. He doesn’t have to have given a flawless performance.

He is our child. We love to watch him grow, do, be, become. We are saying that the child is so amazing to us–without being the gold medal winner. We are saying that he is important. That we want to be with him. That we love to watch him do what he loves to do.

We are affirming. With six little words.

I love to watch you….

Save

The post 5 Words Your Kids Need to Hear You Say Over & Over appeared first on Character Ink.

Not long ago, my twenty-one year old son stopped by as I was cleaning vegetables. He said, “Oh, you’re cleaning veggies. Remember when we used to bring a big tub of fruits and vegetables into the living room and we three boys would gather around them and peel, slice, dice, stem, and “julienne” pounds of produce while you read out loud to us for hours.”

“I’ll never forget,” I replied, getting a little misty-eyed.

“And do you remember how between books or chapters, we would start talking about something in the book and the next thing you know we had just talked and talked and talked. But you said it didn’t matter because we were getting things done?”

Okay, now I was beyond misty-eyed.

It didn’t matter how long we talked…we were getting things done at the same time! 🙂

Working together on mindless type of work (or less-mentally-taxing anyway) is an amazing opportunity to talk. And the thing about talking when you’re doing these types of activities is that is often not rushed and it usually lasts a while (we always did twenty pounds of potatoes at once—and did different things with them for the next couple of weeks and/or the freezer…then there were the strawberries and carrots and celery and….you get the idea).

When kids feel less rushed as they talk (even in a small group like the four of us during my last few years of homeschooling), they talk more. As you talk longer, kids talk even more.

So…when you need to get things done—or you are doing mindless things together, talk…a lot!

Ways to Talk While You Work:

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Driving—of course! We’ve talked about this a lot (Who’s Got Their Shoes On among other places)

2. Gardening or weeding flower beds—while it is difficult to talk with machinery going, we have loved talking to our kids as we hand weeded together or planted flowers, etc.

3. Puzzles or handwork—We used to love to set up a card table in the winter with a puzzle perpetually on it. When Dad sat down (I realllly don’t like puzzles!) to work it, he always had talkers, I mean puzzlers, join him!

4. Fruit and vegetable preps—While I loved talking when I cooked with my kids (and one of my daughters and I still LOVE cooking together whenever we get a chance!), cooking isn’t always mindless….but produce prep usually is. Gather everyone around with knives, and start talking…and chopping!

5. Organizing—this sometimes worked and sometimes did not. But I adore organizing. And doing bookcases or toy shelves with the kids was often a great time to talk

6. Wrapping Christmas gifts—most of our Christmas gift wrapping was done during “Christmas wrapping parties” that we did with movies and fun foods, but this is another good time to talk.

7. Game sorting—this turns out to be a fun activity when you gather everybody and sort games, repair boxes, find missing pieces, etc. The same is true of video and/or audio organizing….wowsie, we spent a lot of time in audio organizing!

8. Scrapbooking, card making, or other joint hand work

Just some ideas to get you started thinking about times that you need to get things done and that you could be talking at the same time because when you need to get things done can often be a great time to talk.

Other times to talk:

While Driving

At the Table

Letting Your Kids Question You

When You Just Need To Listen

Save

Save

Save

The post 52 Weeks of Talking to Our Kids: Talk While You Work appeared first on Character Ink.

“Mom, that’s not fair!”

“Why can’t I…..”

“It’s her turn!”

One of the ways that our children begin the disrespect spiral is when we let them “talk back” to us. At first, this can be simply questioning us with a slightly raised voice. But before we know it, it can become full-fledged disrespect. And the more we allow it, the more it happens.

But what is a parent to do when they want kids who are able to talk freely about things? What should we do when we want to build an open, honest relationship with constant dialogue, yet every time our child disagrees with us, it becomes a shouting match?

A couple of weeks ago, I talked about the Recipe for Rebellion ingredient of “Rules Without Response.” That is, our children become rebellious towards us when we DON’T allow them to respond to us—but when they do respond, it turns into disrespect.

We found a solution to this nearly thirty years ago….and it has served our family well, allowed us to have super close relationships with our kids throughout their teen and young adult years, and kept communication going without allowing disrespect to seep in.

It was called “the godly appeal” when we first learned of, but I prefer to call it “the Quiet Questioning”—focusing on the fact that we let the child question us—but it is quiet (i.e. in a respectful, permitted manner).

Quiet Questioning is a non-argumentative, non-confrontational way for our children to express their disagreement with our rules for them. It opens doors of communication that would literally be slammed in our children’s faces if we just tell them to “do what I say; I don’t want to hear about it.” It gives our teens more of a sense of control in their lives—and provides multiple teaching opportunities for us (which our teens can, in turn, apply to other situations in their lives).

In Quiet Questioning if a child does not agree with something, he asks respectfully if he may question it.

I even recommend using these exact words, so that you have “key words” that indicate that the child is getting control of himself so you should listen to him: “May I quietly question?”

After the quiet question, the parent gives one of three answers: yes, no, or later. The child must then accept that answer as part of the quiet questioning process (not argue, beg, etc.).

At that time, the parent gives one of three answers: yes, no, or later. The child then must accept that answer (not argue, beg, etc.). If the answer is yes, the question is heard and considered by the parents. Sometimes this is in front of other siblings. Many times it is not, depending on the subject being questioned, who it applies to, and the intensity of the child’s questioning.

If the answer is no, the matter is dropped, though it may be brought up later, when more information is gathered or when the time is more appropriate (i.e. not in the heat of an argument or not when parents are unable to deal with it right then, etc.).

If the answer is later, the child may bring it up at another, more convenient, time. (Sometimes we even told our children that they may question tomorrow or next week when we are not traveling or not in the middle of a big project, etc.)

How to Make Quiet Questioning Successful

There are some guidelines that make quietly questioning successful:

1. If the question is disrespectful or done in anger, it is turned down immediately.

2. If the question is a series of whines and complaints, rather than a truly quiet question, it is turned down.

3. If a child begins disagreeing a lot or constantly trying to question, the question process is terminated for a period of time until that person learns to accept Mom and Dad’s rules more often than not. (More about kids being characterized by cooperation “more often than not” later.)

4. If the questioning process becomes an argument, it is ended.

5. If the person questioning is turned down, but later has more information (“new evidence”), he may re- question that topic.

6. The question is truly listened to and thought through by Mom and Dad. Do not pretend to listen to questions, but not regard your children’s pleas. This is another “Recipe for Rebellion” in itself. (Kids know if the questioning process is just a formality and you are not truly listening to them.)

7. The person questioning is not constantly interrupted by Mom and Dad with justifications. The child should not be patronized during a quiet question, but carefully listened to and respected.

8. Once the answer to the question is given, the matter must be dropped for the time being. Granted, it might need re-visited, but to continue the questioning once an answer is given is arguing, not quiet questioning.

9. Parents must agree on the answer to the question at the time. Later, behind closed doors, discussion between Mom and Dad may need to take place, but in front of the child, a united front is imperative.

Quiet Questioning is a privilege for mature children. It should not be used by children who complain and grumble all of the time. It should not be used as a “formal means” of arguing. (The words, “May I quietly question?,” should not be substituted for the child’s normal means of disagreeing as an attempt to begin “discussion and arguments.”)

A child should have godly character and be characterized by (“known by”) submission and obedience in order to utilize this relational tool. It is an avenue by which children and teens who readily accept the family’s rules may disagree respectfully and be heard.

When discussing these concepts recently with our grown son Joshua (married; thirty-four), it was interesting to us to note that he said that he did not mind our rules—even if he disagreed with them. According to him, the reason he did what we wanted him to do (outside of love—see “Rules Without Relationship” next week) during any of our less-than-rational-rule-time is because no matter what rule we made, what standard we expected, or what behavior we demanded, we always listened to him.

According to him, even if we did not change the rule or expected result, we still let him talk and let him disagree with us (via the quiet question process). He noted that it didn’t matter if we followed his suggestions, just the fact that we were listening to him made all the difference in the world. According to him, we did not give him freedom to do as he pleased when he disagreed with something, but we did give him intellectual freedom–the freedom to think and to question us. That alone made Quiet Questioning in our home so important to us.

Save

Save

Save

The post 52 Weeks of Talking to Our Kids: Letting Your Kids Question You appeared first on Character Ink.

That is the first verse of a song I wrote that we sang together as a family during family worship and in the van driving (especially on trips). It was our empathy song—the song that reminded us to try to put ourselves in others’ shoes and understand how they are feeling.

There are dozens of ways to teach empathy—from saving and giving funds to help others, to volunteering to help the needy, to watching movies and reading books, and much more.

This valuable character trait can also be taught through talking (and singing!).

If you read much of what we have written, you will quickly learn that we feel that one of the most valuable parenting tools that we have at our disposal is that of discussion. This is especially true when it comes to empathy training. We have always discussed people’s hurts with our children (at appropriate ages), and even charged them with the duty of making this world a better place through their Christian love and charity.

One of the things that we never allowed our children to do was to make fun of the weak or the disabled. Calling somebody “retarded” or “crippled,” or some such other name was strictly forbidden. However, we didn’t just not let them speak ill of or make fun of those people, we taught them to show love and compassion to them.

From their earliest years, when we saw somebody who was needy, we would explain to the children that we do not know what that person goes through. That we cannot understand that person’s pain and suffering. And that we should lift those people up, not tear them down.

Talking to our kids about how others feel—those who are needy, their siblings, friends, grandparents, etc—is a great way to teach this quality…and another important time to talk.

Yes, “How do you think that makes that person feel?” is the beginning of empathy training. Teaching our children to see people’s needs with true compassion is the continuation of that empathy training. (And as an aside, we began “How do you think that makes that person feel?” with their siblings. We always told the kids that if they can learn how to get along with/be kind to their siblings, they can work with anybody in this world!)

We are not programmed to be selfless. We are not programmed to automatically think about others. We are born with a sin nature–a selfish nature. As parents, we have to make a conscious effort to get our children’s thoughts off of themselves—and onto those around them. We can do this quickly, constantly, and easily through discussion.

Many years ago, when the older children were ten through fourteen, we took a trip to Chicago. We spent a long weekend visiting museums, swimming at our motel, and, of course, talking. We had many opportunities to see those with needs and discuss these situations. Before we left that weekend, we had written a song (amateur poet, here) that described what we saw and felt that we still sing today—and that reminds us to look around us and see the hurting people—and try to find ways to help them.

“I Prayed for You Today”

I prayed for you today, though I didn’t know your name,
I saw a hurting look, so I had to stop and pray.
I prayed for you today, when I saw you on the street,
Playing on your trumpet, for everyone you meet.

(Chorus) I know it doesn’t seem like much, just a simple little prayer.
But I want you to realize there is a God who cares.
I know it doesn’t seem like much, I wish I could do more.
But the very best thing that I can do is take you to the Lord.

I prayed for you today, when I saw you with your cane,
Your yesterdays have flown right by, and now you’re old and lame.
I prayed for you today, when I saw you on your porch,
You looked so sad and lonely, so broken and forlorn.

(Chorus) I know it doesn’t seem like much, just a simple little prayer.
But I want you to realize there is a God who cares.
I know it doesn’t seem like much, I wish I could do more.
But the very best thing that I can do is take you to the Lord.

I prayed for you today, when I saw you with your friends,
Trying to be popular, trying to fit in.
I prayed for you today, when I saw you at the zoo,
Being a daddy all alone is difficult to do.

(Chorus) I know it doesn’t seem like much, just a simple little prayer.
But I want you to realize there is a God who cares.
I know it doesn’t seem like much, I wish I could do more.
But the very best thing that I can do is take you to the Lord.

Empathy doesn’t just happen. Yes, we can say that one child is more tenderhearted than another. We can see leanings towards empathy—as well as leanings towards selfishness—in our children. But empathy is something that we can teach our children—a learned behavior, if you will—that we can instill in them beginning at very young ages, in our homes. And a trait that can be taught through talking.

Related links:

[article] Four Things Teens and Young Adults Need

[podcast] Ways to Spend More Time With Your Kids

[podcast] Ten Tips for Staying Close

[podcast] Using Audios With Children

The post 52 Weeks of Talking to Our Kids: When You Want to Teach Empathy appeared first on Character Ink.

Do you state more than ask? Do your sentences to your children almost always end with a period rather than a question mark? If so, you might need to learn the lost of art of asking questions to build relationships (with your kids and others!).
 

Many years ago we were introduced to the concept of teaching like Jesus taught. We have since delved into that further, realizing that Jesus was not only a model of how to teach concepts to our children, but he was also the epitome of relationship building with people. This has helped us in our parenting and discipling of our children in general (not just in “teaching” or homeschooling).
 

Jesus used various types of teaching. This showed us that some kids need a certain type of instruction while others need something else. But there was one thing he did that every child needs—a parent who asks questions.
 

In Matthew 18:12, Jesus asked the question, “What do you think?” This has become a common mantra for our parenting/teaching. We have wanted to allow the kids to tell us what they already know or what they think—and then we could build on that. Asking open ended questions is a super method for academic training—and for heart training.
 

Asking questions is all the rage now in business building, counseling, relationship building, and more. It is, however, often overlooked as a way to get into our children’s hearts and minds.
 

I think this is in part because we tend to view questioning our kids as invasive—like they will think we are interrogating them or something.

Here are a few question asking tips for you:
 

1) Start young 

I know…I say this about everything. But it is so true about everything!

In questioning our kids specifically, if we start asking them questions when they are very young, it will not seem suspicious when we really do need to interrogate sometime. 🙂

2) Ask open ended questions—like Jesus did!
We used a few key open ended questions with our kids:

a. What do you think?
b. How do you think he feels?
c. What ya thinkin’?
d. Penny for your thoughts (See the article on this here.)

3) Get your kids accustomed to your asking questions when they get home from somewhere or when you pick them up after an event.

Our kids thought something was wrong if we didn’t start asking them questions as soon as they got in the vehicle!
Sometimes we would ask general questions to get them talking (who was there, was it fun, what did you do, etc.). Other times we would say things like…”Details…I need details!” (They always loved this because it was really code for “I have as much time as you need..”).
 

We often ended with what contribution they made…who did you talk to, who did you help, how did you include people, etc. (You can ask questions and teach at the same time!)
4) Be sure there are lots of questioning times with no ulterior motives or lessons planned. (See When You Just Need to Listen here.)

Sometimes we just need to get them started talking. We don’t need to have ulterior motives to teach, instruct, or correct. We just need to get their words and heart flowing.

Asking questions is a great way to do this!
What questions do you ask your kids to get discussions going? How has question-asking helped your family?

Save

Save

The post 52 Weeks of Talking to Our Kids: When It’s Time to Ask Questions appeared first on Character Ink.

WHEN YOU “SIT” IN YOUR HOUSE—PREFERABLY IN A TECHNO-FREE ZONE

Out of all of the times/places that we are told to teach our children diligently in Deuteronomy, “when you sit in your house” has got to be the most challenging. Over twenty-five years ago, Gregg Harris gave us the greatest advice in his parenting seminar (that we have used weekly and teach others to do the same): Whatever is important to you to do with your children should be attached to something that is already in the schedule. Thus, we attached reading together to rising/going to bed; we attach family prayer to meals; etc. However, finding time to “sit in your house” is another matter—and one that I would like to address as a talk time in this blog post.

How many of us “sit in our houses”? That is, we sit—not to watch television, pay bills, surf the web; play computer games; read the paper, etc., but just SIT.

With my AOADD (Adult-Onset ADD—self diagnosed!!!), sitting is not one of my favorite things to do—unless I am doing something else at the same time (i.e. working!). However, this is an often-overlooked period of time that we truly need to tap into in order to talk with our children.

We have to force ourselves to “sit” with our children. We need to make it a habit to just take a seat next to one or more of them each day—no electronics, no work on our laps—and just “be.” These moments are when great communication times as we are “sitting in our house” will occur.

Not necessarily formal teaching, though there are definite times and places for that. But just “being.”

Just saying, “Tell me about your day.” And truly listening.

Times to really look into their faces and observe their countenance—to read the signs that show that deep within that son or daughter is an ache, a question, an apprehension, an issue that needs Mom or Dad time.

Recent statistics indicate that teenagers spend an average of less than thirty minutes a week in a “meaningful relationship” with their mothers and fifteen minutes per week with their fathers. Fifteen to thirty minutes a week with Mom or Dad during some of the most critical years of a person’s life! (We have said for years that ages sixteen to twenty are the highest need years for our kids in terms of parental time and support.)

Another recent study of parents and children by an insurance company said that children WANT their parents to spend time with them. Eight out of ten said they resented being put in front of a television (instead of spending time with Mom or Dad); sixty percent said they wished their parents spent more time with them and worked less.

Parents who bring work home (instead of being available for their kids), put their own hobbies and interests before the kids; and are consumed with their home and possessions more than their kids are being coined as “Maybe later” parents. As a mom of seven grown kids (ages eighteen through thirty-three), I can tell you for sure that “later” never comes.

So…the first piece of advice we have for establishing talk time when you sit in your home” is to “sit in your home”! Set aside other things and make the time. Fire pits; bonfires; electronic-free rooms; porch swing moments; Mom & Dad’s bedroom for midnight meetings; family meals—all of these give opportunities to sit with our kids. Let’s make it happen!

Pin this post!

The post 52 Weeks of Talking to Our Kids: When You “Sit” In Your House appeared first on Character Ink.

The scene was the same for our three girls and Mom and Dad—time to gather in the living room with calendars in hand, ready to go over the upcoming weeks and months to be sure we have everything down on the schedule—and to be sure that we have plenty of time set aside for each other and our family. What wasn’t the same was the addition of our future son-in-law—a sweet, amazing young man who has no need for meetings, sitting for long periods of time listening to three teenage/young adult girls and their parents gab. His response to our “calendar meeting” was hilarious as he put a pillow over his head and kept coming up periodically to ask if it was almost over!

As our kids turned sixteen to eighteen (depending on gender, maturity, and where they were in their education), their involvement in outside activities increased exponentially—from doing school at home with Mom and Dad full time and spending most free time with family and close friends to college, more ministry activities, etc. It was extremely important to me and Ray that we stay close to our young adults. Calendar meetings helped make that happen.

If you have kids who are not yet teens, do not believe the falsehoods about how older teens and young adults do not need their parents. It has been our experience that they still need us greatly—but the roles change drastically. They still need our continual input in their lives—but in the role of counselor, mentor, help, and sounding board. But they still need us! And calendar meetings helped make all of that talking, time together, and counseling more of a reality in our young adults’ lives.

Calendar meetings helped us have another talk time built into our schedule. They helped our kids know that spending time talking with them was a priority to use. And they helped us be sure that we had those talk times set aside.

The post 52 Weeks of Talking To Our Kids: Calendar Meetings appeared first on Character Ink.

One of the places in our home in which lively discussions were usually held (and continue to be so, especially when all thirteen of us are home together!) is the dinner table. There is a lot of talk online and other places about the importance of the family dinner table. I am so grateful that we took the time to be sure that we ate four or five meals a week together in the evening—around the table.

Here are some tips to get your family dinner time back—and get your table talk on:

1. If you want dinner time and table talk to be priorities in your home, you must make them priorities—while keeping in mind that priorities are what you do. When you say something is a priority to you, in order to truly be a priority, you must DO it. And you must establish a way to measure whether that priority is being met or not. In our case, we said that time together as a family in the evening was so important that we would be sure that everybody sixteen and under (and the parents!) would be home together three or four evenings a week. You must make your priorities into actions, and then you must make them measurable so that you can follow up with them.

2. Develop a dinner time routine that gives everybody a chance to talk. For example, you could do “two roses and one thorn” in which you go around the table and everybody tells two good things and one bad thing that happened that day. You could do a ‘’tell something good you saw in a family member today.” You could use cards from The Ungame or other discussion cards to be sure that everybody has a chance to share something that meal. You could also have people come prepared one a certain night or two to tell what they learned or an interesting tidbit to share, etc.

3. Consider using some dinner time, the clean up time, or after dinner sitting time for reading aloud together.

4. Clean up the meal together. We have such fond memories of cleaning up meals together—of learning patriotic songs together, of reciting poetry together, of laughing and cleaning, of racing the clock, etc. Dinner clean up went so fast because we always worked together (or at least in large groups—we sometimes used the dinner clean up time to do one-on-one discipling of one child while the other parent and kids cleaned up).

5. Consider reading a devotional or even fun chapter book or biography during the meal. We would do this at the end of the meal, and everybody looked forward to it so much.

Table talks are some of the best talking times in a group that we had as a family. Cherish that dinner hour—and re-implement table talks.

The post 52 Weeks of Talking to Our Kids: Table Talk appeared first on Character Ink.

When is the best time to solve problems? Before they start!

The same thing is true in parenting. If we can talk through issues and problems before they arise, we will be ahead of the game in parenting.

My husband always used the mantra that we should “talk about this during non-conflict times.”

That is, we shouldn’t try to solve a bunch of problems, make new rules, talk through too many things, etc., when we were in the middle of a conflict.

If we were trying to solve something with one of our teens and things got heated, Ray would just say, “We’re not going to solve this tonight. Let’s go to bed and talk about it tomorrow evening when we’ve had a chance to think about it more.”

This is obviously useful for potential arguments and disagreements, but it is also useful for talking.

We can talk about things, solve problems, come up with solutions to difficulties, etc., when we talk about the situation or problem during a time that it (whatever it might be) is NOT happening.

For example, we would talk about expected behavior for an event or new suggestions for getting along with each other or a new chore schedule not when things were falling apart around us—but rather completely separated from the problem or situation that needed changed.

Taking the example of the kids not getting along, we would walk through a situation with the kids and solve it for that moment (using many of the other talk techniques we will be looking at this year, such as only talking about what you did—not what the other person did; or teaching kids to talk to each other before coming to Mom and Dad). But as far as implementing strategies for the future, we would hold off on that—not talk about that at that moment.

Then during a “non-conflict time”—for example during our next family meeting or family night or drive somewhere (depending on how many people needed to be involved in the conversation), we would talk about some solutions we wanted to implement for kids getting along. We might talk about wording the kids should use with another if the person seemed hostile (“Can we talk about this in friendlier tones?”)

And during that “non-conflict time,” we would talk about what we would like to see the kids do to get along better.

Talking during non-conflict times usually means talking during peace times. It means bringing new ideas and solutions to situations that might be met with hostility or indifference if a conflict were happening at that time. It means making sure peace is reigning before trying to bring in even more to the subject.

Non-conflict times are really good times to talk with your kids!

The post 52 Weeks of Talking to Our Kids: Non-Conflict Times appeared first on Character Ink.