Recently when my sister, her husband, and her two young teen daughters were here visiting in Indiana from North Carolina, we took as many from our family who could come and my sister’s family to our local YMCA to play a game called “walleyball” (rhymes with volleyball). This game is similar to volleyball in its rules–with the addition of walls as it is played in a racquetball court.

Since the court is smaller than a regular court, the game is actually a little easier for those who are not as strong–but not as easy for stronger people who hit the back wall (one of the out of bounds zones) quite often. The combination of the walls, the rules, the size of the court, and the various strengths of the players that night has made me think over and over again in the days since we played about the idea of the “mulligan.”

As indicated in the opening of this post, a mulligan is “an extra stroke allowed after a poor shot”–that is NOT counted on the scorecard or against the one who has been issued the “second chance.”

This term is one that we have thrown around our family of seven children (now ages seventeen through thirty-two) for years since my husband is a master at adapting games to fit the crowd who is playing. He loves to bring two or three families together and modify a kickball game or our oldest son’s homemade handball invention in order to allow littles to play with biggies; parents to play with children; and lesser skilled participants to play with “athletes.” Thus, a “mulligan” is a familiar word–and one that has been spoken many, many times in our home over our thirty-two years of parenting as we have enjoyed playing with our children.

It wasn’t uncommon during our walleyball night to hear someone shout “mulligan” whenever a person attempted to serve but didn’t make it over the net. Then we would evaluate and determine “yes” the person gets a mulligan or “no” he does not. What has led me to think of these mulligans quite often since that evening is the criterion on which we based giving mulligans during our play.

I mean, how does someone tell a sweet, small, twelve-year-old balletic niece that she cannot have a do-over after she tried so hard to get the ball over the net?  Or how do you turn down a poor middle-aged sister (*smile*) who is still recovering from frozen shoulder surgery: “too bad–you should have hit it harder”?

So when did we give mulligans that night–and what does this have to do with parenting?

Allow me to give you our walleyball mulligan run-down:

1. My younger niece is not a “ball” type of athlete. She is a dancer, cheerleader, and gymnast. She is also fairly tiny. She was a good sport about the whole night–but walleyball probably wouldn’t be her first choice of games. Because she is small, she had trouble getting her serves over at times, so everybody agreed to give our sweet Brittany some mulligans when her serve fell short of the net.

2. My sister had just had surgery for frozen shoulder approximately ten weeks before our Y night. She was able to play okay, but definitely didn’t have the range of motion that a serve often requires. Thus, we moved her closer to the net and gave her mulligans.

3. Our youngest daughter (24) has never been a volleyball player. She always thought she was terrible at it, and she often sat on the sidelines and watched others play through the years (in spite of her being very fit, a runner, and serious ab-workout girl!). She wouldn’t ask for a mulligan when she missed, but because she has just been learning volleyball over the past few years, we sometimes offered her a mulligan as well.

Who didn’t get a mulligan?

1. I adore volleyball. I played a little in high school, and while I’m not great at it, my years of experience in playing it at picnics, etc., meant that I was not a mulligan candidate.

2. See that athlete in the picture above–serious tennies and headband? That is our son’s wife who was the captain of her high school volleyball team and took MVP at nationals. She played a year of volleyball in college–no mulligan for that expert!

3. See that young man below? He is our seventeen year old–our youngest child. And he can be hyper, funny, loud, helpful, compassionate, and crazy all at the same time. On this particular night, he (as many seventeen year old boys do) tried to serve overhanded as hard as he could in an effort to score on every serve. Thus, he often hit the ball too hard and hit the back wall or the ceiling–both out of bounds spots. No mulligan for someone who knows how to do it but is hot dogging! 😉

4. None of the men or teen boys got mulligans. They are strong, athletic, and competitive. No motivation or encouragement was needed!

So what does this have to do with parenting? More than you might think.

In the “game” of parenting, we have the opportunity every day to give more chances or to show “tough love”–to extend grace or to train through consequences. We face these situations often unprepared.

We lament over them–“I just feel like if I don’t bring his shoes to gym class and he gets an F for the day, he will blame me” or “I know we have told her dozens of times not to leave her phone lying around at the gym, but now that it is stolen, I feel sorry for her because she misses talking to her friends. And we homeschool, so her phone is a way she socializes,” etc. etc. etc.

And I am not making light of any of these scenarios. We, after all, have raised six “teens”–and have one teen that we are in the thick of raising (a last child, nonetheless!).

Grace. Training. Mercy. Responsibility. I mean, honestly, who wants to choose among those?

warming up…

But let’s break down our walleyball game a little further to see if we can get some benchmarks for giving our kids mulligans:

1. Brittany is younger. She is not as strong as the big guys. She is not as used to ball handling like her sister who plays basketball at school. Extending mulligans to Brittany, who was trying to serve the ball over the net with all her might and had a good attitude in the process, is a good decision.

And so is giving a mulligan to a child who is struggling and genuinely wants to change/alter his behavior/make things different. And you know what? Most of the time we parents know when this child deserves a mulligan. The key is going to be to not give mulligans forever to a struggling child–but to gradually reduce the mulligans as the child becomes stronger and more adept.

2. My sister was injured for pity’s sake! She was being a sport just joining in the family fun.

When a child is downhearted or overwhelmed, he often needs grace. I don’t mean in trouble because of continual bad decisions or poor character but rather truly discouraged. When mercy is extended to a child in this situation, it can make a huge difference in how he pulls himself up by his bootstraps and gets moving in the right direction.

How long does a person with a shoulder injury need to recuperate before she should just serve already? Just as my sister’s doctor told her that it varies from person to person (with hers being more extensive once they got in there and found bone spurs as well), so it is with our children.

This is where heart parenting really comes in to play. Should the mulligans come to an end and this “injured one” come back now? Are we prolonging the healing process by not letting her live with consequences?

Someone who is hurting needs a mulligan–but not forever.

3. Volleyball playing is somewhat of a new experience for Kara. Granted, she is twenty-four, but she has only been getting on the court and playing over the past couple of years. You could say that she is in volleyball training.

A child who is “in training” in a certain area needs more mulligans than the child who has already been doing that skill or task for a while. We talk about this in our parenting seminar (Raising Kids With Character)–the idea of “childishness.” Childishness (forgetfulness, irresponsibility, etc.) in a child who is still learning his morning routine or his after school chores is best handled incrementally–with mulligans in place as needed–but not so many mulligans that the immaturity and irresponsibility remain.

We gave Kara a mulligan or two–but her volleyball training is about over (evidenced by how much better she played tonight than the previous time we played), and her walleyball mulligans are about to come to an end as well.

What about those who didn’t get mulligans?

1. Strong people who have done something over and over again do not need the motivation that comes with a mulligan (usually). It was easy to tell our twenty-two year old, athletic son to roll the ball under the net if he hit the ceiling on his serve. No training was taking place; no motivation or encouragement was needed.

2. Those who were hitting the ball so hard that it hit the ceiling or the back wall did not need mulligans. They needed to learn cause and effect. Walleyball is different than volleyball–the court is shorter and the back wall and ceiling are off limits. If you continue to smack the ball with that force, you will serve it out, and the other team will get the ball.

It wasn’t that hard in our walleyball game to determine who got a mulligan and who didn’t.

And while that isn’t always the case in parenting, we can use some key benchmarks for extending grace, including age of the child, past experience, whether other consequences have already been in place but didn’t help, the attitude of the child at the time, the frequency with which something occurs, the strength of the child, and more.

Because sometimes each one of us needs a mulligan in this game called life. But we also need to learn and grow. Because each of us needs a little grace sometimes. But because the Bible tells us that we can easily take advantage of that grace. Because we don’t want to exasperate our children. But we don’t want to be the kind of parent who doesn’t help our child become responsible or kind or thoughtful. Yes, sometimes we need to give our children mulligans.

The post When Do I Give My Child a “Mulligan”? appeared first on Character Ink.

Every day it is the same thing—more Duggar articles, updates, and tidbits coming through my FaceBook feed. Everybody has an opinion—from one extreme to another.

While I met the Duggars fifteen years ago when Mrs. Duggar and I both spoke at the same conference (me on how to teach writing and language arts and her on how to manage a family of eight or ten kids! 🙂 ), I do not know them personally nor have I ever watched their show or heard them speak (outside of that conference).

The truth is that none of us know the truth about the Dugger situation. People write blog posts and articles as though they know first-hand the exact time line and the decisions and moves that were made. I have a policy of never writing about something that I know nothing about, so this post will not delve into the Duggars’ problems.

So why am I writing a post about them if I know nothing and have nothing to contribute to their situation? Because I am afraid that we are missing the greatest thing that Christian parents should be focusing on in this scandal—how we can protect our own children from sexual misconduct and abuse both in the home and outside the home.

No, I am not an expert on this—but my husband and I have raised seven children (ages seventeen to thirty-two now) who have seldom harmed one another in any way (including striking angrily) and who I feel have a healthy outlook on marital intimacy.

Many of the protection and teaching tips that I will be sharing in this post and the next one (protecting outside the home) are from our blog (Character Ink Publishing and Family Ministries) and from various sessions of our Christian parenting seminar (“Raising Kids With Character” {RKWC}).

So here are just a few things that I feel we as Christian parents should really take to heart and implement in order to be sure that we are protecting our children as much as possible.

Note: These pieces of advice are not directed at or have anything to do with the Duggars.

Protecting Our Children From Sexual Misconduct Within the Home

(1) Protect our children from seeing SEX everywhere!

This first tip is an old fashioned one—but one that I feel many of us have gotten away from.

Our last three children were boys born within five years of each other. By that time, we knew the incredible benefits of keeping them from seeing things that exacerbate teen boys’ raging hormones.

We tell boys to stay pure, to not think about sex, to abstain from masturbation—then we turn on the television every night in which all types of sexual sin seem completely normal and acceptable and are there in front of them in full color. We allow them to view (often on a super large screen) commercials and programs in which women are scantily-clad with come hither expressions and body movements. Then we wonder why teen boys are obsessed with sex!

Additionally, we often do not give a second thought to our sons seeing girls in lewd bathing suits or seeing the pictures of  Victoria’s Secret models in the front of the store. While we can’t lock our sons up in our homes never to see anything bad, we should consider our swimming and shopping situations a little more carefully than we sometimes do. And definitely control our television situations.

(2)  Limit access to the internet by instilling boundaries and installing blocks on all devices.

In speaking to parents over the past several years, I have been alarmed at the  complacency  that many Christian parents have developed concerning the internet. We give ten year olds the internet at their fingertips—and just invite them (while warning them and begging them not to) to see sexual acts by every combination of persons imaginable. I can hardly bear to think about what kids are seeing every day on the internet.

We can’t give our children the internet and just hope for the best. We have been able to raise our kids without such a huge internet influence—and were able to continue our “no internet in the bedrooms for kids under eighteen (including no smart phones for kids under eighteen); internet on main computer in common living area for kids to use; one child very seldom home alone” approach.

However, I am not so naïve to think that people can do that today—so I leave you on this point with the best article that I have read about protecting our children from internet pornography and placing blocks on various devices–and I beg you to read it and follow its advice step-by-step—“The Porn-Free Family”

(3)  Place other boundaries in your home.

In addition to internet safety, we should also provide “common sense” boundaries in our home. These will be different for each family based on the number, ages, and sexes of their children, but here are a few to consider:

a. Open door policies of bedrooms—or at the very least that parents may come in at any time

b.  Shared rooms for two or three kids of the same sex (and ongoing spiritual teaching that helps the kids develop a  conscience that says I need to help my roommates stay pure—and they will help me as well as the responsibility to tell parents about anything that goes on that is against family rules)

c.  No televisions or internet in bedrooms

d. Have more “community rooms” for hanging out and playing and use bedrooms for sleep and/or study (as opposed to children staying in their rooms alone too much)

e. Consider the ratings of movies for the REASON of their ratings. Don’t automatically assume that a PG movie is fine and an R movie is totally out of the question. Look for the words “Rated ___ for…” and check the reasons that the movie got the rating that it did. We personally didn’t mind if our boys saw “action” movies, but if a movie listed “partial nudity” or “sexual situations,” we knew to steer clear.

f.  Think through the decision to leave one child (especially a son) home alone too often. I know it is a hassle to be sure that two or more people are home at one time, but it gave me peace of mind when our “little boys” were twelve, fourteen, and sixteen and up.

(4)  Provide hard physical labor and/or physical distractions for preteen and especially teen boys.

Our early mentors told us thirty years ago that when our oldest (Joshua, thirty-two year old son) turned twelve, we should do two things (1) Make Mom “milk and cookies” (i.e. not the controlling, nagging mom of a teen boy!) and (2) Provide physical labor or hard physical activity for him. They gave us a couple of books that further explained how sexual energy in teen boys can be expended somewhat through physical activity.

When Joshua was twelve or so, we began taking our mentors’ advice to heart—working towards Joshua’s reporting to Ray for his daily behavior and homeschooling and having Ray be the primary disciplinarian (and yes, we did this in spite of Ray’s working a minimum of sixty hours per week fifty weeks a year—where there is a will, there is a way).

Shortly thereafter, we approached a Christian business owner about the possibility of Joshua working with him/for him in his residential and commercial painting business. Joshua began working one day a week at age thirteen as a gopher and then gradually increased until during high school he would work three full hard days a week and do his high school on the weekends and evenings and days off.

Others I know use sports as an outlet for teens’ physical needs. Our kids play a lot of intra mural types of sports as well as family sports, but we felt the hard work for our boys also built a great deal of other character in them.

(5)   Lay a foundation of honesty/not sneakiness in your family.

Honesty is a trait that we can instill in our children when they are very young. And while it might seem unrelated to the topic at hand, it actually has a lot to do with sneaking negative (and sometimes very negative) behaviors. While we want to do things to help our children control sexual urges until marriage (see other points), there is an element of dishonesty in harming another secretly that cannot be overlooked.

We must teach our children that “our family is a family of honesty, integrity, and forthrightness.” (For more information, see our post-RKWC seminar session, “How to Teach Honesty.”) We can thwart secret actions (sexual or other) somewhat by taking deceit in our children at young ages very seriously.

We personally did this by biblical teaching on honesty periodically, continual character teaching that emphasized honesty/no deceit, never calling an untruth anything but a lie/deceit (no white lies or fibs), and not allowing “small deceits” to slide by (i.e. sneaking to stay up later and watch something was a real deceit/dishonesty and was not treated the same as leaving their towels on the bathroom floor).

I knew a faithful mother who would pray daily that if her children were watching or seeing anything of a sexual nature, she would find it out. That those things that needed to be known by her and her husband would come  to light. This ongoing prayer not only helped things come to light to her (i.e. looking at nudity in Usborne history books), but it also kept the “watching out for things” in the forefront of her mind so that things that others might overlook were more obvious to her.

Additionally, with honesty teaching, my husband and I were careful to not create environments/situations in which sneakiness was easy. Sneakiness becomes easy to a child when he is led to believe that “he is an island” (without accountability or boundaries)—has his own room, shuts the door, does what he wants in his own room, nobody else allowed in, etc.

Sneakiness of any kind in children becomes habitual, and, more importantly, it gradually weakens the conscience. I’m not saying that if we teach our kids not to sneak, they will not be tempted with sexual misconduct. I am saying that sexual misconduct is an ultimate form of sneakiness—and when sneakiness becomes a way of life for our children, the next level of sneakiness/deceit is easier to succumb to.

(6)  Teach the omnipresence of God early and often.

This is somewhat of a continuation of the previous point, but children who sneak around to do things (anything—not just harming a sibling) do so at the risk of getting caught by parents or older siblings or other authority. For many kids, the urge to do what they want to do is so strong that it is worth it to them to take that chance. It is in these scenarios that we have to hope and pray that we have instilled within our kids the understanding that without a shadow of a doubt, honestly, totally, and for sure/for sure—God sees and knows everything.

Yes, we can provide boundaries that help our preteen and teen children stay away from sexual sins and/or harming siblings, but the one thing that we want to drive them to righteousness is the understanding that God is all-seeing and all-knowing—and he hates sin.

(7)  Provide constant, on-going, predictable accountability in your home.

Accountability meetings, family meetings, devotionals times all together, prayer sessions, living room chats, and more should be such a part of our family life that children have trouble hiding things—their struggles, their bad behaviors, and even their doubts. We must keep a pulse on our children’s hearts at all time—and this happens through an astronomical amount of time spent with them and planned, predictable times together.

While spontaneous family times are great, our kids should know Tonight we are going to read together or talk about our day or Dad is going to tuck me in and talk to me about my life….(See our workshops about reaching our children’s hearts and our blog category “Reaching the Hearts of Your Tweens and Teens.”)

They should know this is coming for two reason: (1) Because it shows them how much we care—that we will take whatever time is needed to get to their hearts, to help them, to encourage them, to give them an opportunity to talk about what is bothering them; and (2) Because it helps our children keep short accounts with God and with their siblings.

In our nighttime talks as a family, we would often ask our kids if anybody in the family had offended them that day—and did one parent and those kids need to go talk. AND what did someone in the family do that day that was good—that stood out to you as godly character, selflessness, and kindness.

Our kids always knew that some kind of connection time was coming—in a good way. They knew we would be available, but they also knew that it was super hard to hide things from parents who care this deeply and are willing to forgo their nightly television or hobbies in order to keep the family close.

This might seem unrelated to potential sexual abuse in the home—but it really is not. Our children often confessed things to us, saying that they knew we would find out anyway when we talked or when a sibling spoke up about something (i.e. texting while driving or getting angry when babysitting for siblings, etc.).

Additionally, we need to provide unconditional love and encouragement for our children. They will be more apt to come to us, more likely to not develop addictions, and less likely to harm others or take advantage of others if they feel secure and loved by their parents in their own home.

(8) Teach children to tell you everything—and emphasize that nobody is off limits to be “told on.”

Along with our frequent meetings, gatherings, and heart-sharing times, we also must teach our children that if there is the SLIGHTEST thing that bothers them, they should tell us. We should teach them that it doesn’t matter if that person is in authority over them (and tells them not to tell because he or she is boss over them). They should “tell on” anybody who ever hurts them or does anything that they even sense might be wrong. (Of course, this assumes that we have taught them about what should never be touched, etc.)

With this, we should also avoid such terms as “tattle tale” and the like. (I know there is a fine line here that we need to discern—not let littles fuss about every little thing, tell on siblings for looking at them cross eyed or putting their foot over the line in the van, etc., but we have always felt it was better to err on the side of over-protection and caution.)

We even began taking this a step further several years into our parenting and asked the children periodically if anybody did anything they were uncomfortable with or hurt them in any way. We even brought up siblings in these questions (and were relieved to hear such innocuous accusations as, “Yeah…Joshua made me unload the dishwasher alone while you were gone!”).

Finally, talk about wrong touching and behaviors (dressing in front of siblings, wearing a sheer nightgown without a robe around the house, putting hands on each other inappropriately, etc.) as a group while not going into more detail than is necessary. Talking about it all together provides another level of accountability (“Remember when Dad said we needed to wear our undergarments under our pajamas when we are not in our bedroom?”) and the potential for red flags to come up for our children if anything that was discussed in the group is ever an issue.

(9)   Observe and set boundaries for physical contact between children.

This can be a tough thing to carry out, but it is important. Kids will be kids—they will wrestle, tickle, roll on the trampoline together, tackle a sibling at home plate, and more. And healthy interaction between siblings can be a good thing.

However, these behaviors can also give a teen the feeling that “handling” a younger sibling (and perhaps accidentally touching a sister’s behind on the tramp) is okay. And then there develops a familiarity or casualness that can become, well, too familiar and too casual and can feed a child’s sexual curiosity.

So do we say no more knee football in the living room? No more wrestling on the tramp? No more human pyramid building? I don’t think so,

However, we do need to be alert and discerning. And we need to be sure that everybody involved in the tramp romp or pyramid building is comfortable with that much closeness.

(10)  Watch for signs that might pop up that show something is amiss—especially with our tween and teen sons.

We need to watch pre-pubescent and pubescent sons for signs of too much/unacceptable sexual curiosity with siblings. And stop it immediately.

Signs of this include trying to watch sisters change clothes; habitually walking into rooms where the girls might be indecent without knocking; putting sisters that are too old to be on laps on their laps; unusual face caressing, hair stroking, or arm or leg rubbing; always trying to sit close to a certain sibling; withdrawn behaviors/wanting to be alone too much; over-taking of brother/sister selfies that look as though the siblings are a “couple”; looking at “soft porn” (like ads in the newspaper for bra and underpants sales or movie stars “red carpet” pictures in which women are not wearing enough clothing); over-volunteering to change toddlers’ diapers or clothes; and others that might be specific to your family dynamics.

(I recommend boys not change diapers on a regular basis—just another safeguard we can put in place, inconvenient though it might seem.)

Along with this point, we must watch for self-satisfying sexual behaviors. Children are naturally curious, and it becomes apparent to them early on that touching certain areas with a wash cloth in the bathtub or over-wiping after toileting can feel good. It is a difficult thing to instill in children that touching their private parts is a bad thing—while still letting them know that someday your spouse touching this area will be a good thing. We need to teach them that others should not touch them—and that they should not touch themselves. That these areas are for married life only.

There are signs that can tell us that a daughter or son is self-stimulating. Too much time spent alone in the bedroom or bathroom can be a red flag for both sexes. Boys who scratch or rub themselves too much in the living room might be doing more behind closed doors.  For girls, sitting in certain positions or rubbing against a piece of playground equipment, chair, etc., can all point to these behaviors.  Also for girls, strong smells and/or recurring yeast infections can also be signs.

This is a super sensitive and difficult area. We shouldn’t say that they should not touch themselves because it is a “bad area.” We shouldn’t tell them that they shouldn’t do it because those are for pottying only. (That isn’t true.) Again, telling them that those areas are for pottying, married relationships (at the appropriate ages—no reason to tell them this before they need to know; we used the “tell only what they ask approach”), and having children are straight forward answers that are also truths.

(11)  Provide your children with a healthy outlook on marital sex.

My husband and I are avid ballroom dancers and have been for over ten years now. One of the studios in which we sometimes visit for practice dances consistently plays this horrible song with lyrics that say, “I wanna do bad things to you…wanna do bad things to you…” referring to going home with the girl and having sex.

Obviously, the illicit sex described in this song is sin, but something that has stood out to me and Ray from this song is that kids are often taught that “sex is bad.” Yes, what this couple in the song was going to do was “bad,” but sexual acts and intercourse are not “bad” in and of themselves. “I want to do bad things to you” indicates that sex is bad.

We are doing our kids no favor by classifying sex as bad. We should clearly teach two aspects of sexuality: (1) Outside of marriage…bad/wrong; (2) Inside marriage….amazing!

With these classifications, they don’t always associate everything sexual with sin—they develop a healthy attitude towards sex. Sex in the right context (one-man/one-woman in marriage) is not bad. It is something to look forward to. Something to save yourself for. Something enjoyable.

How can we teach this to our kids when they are bombarded with “bad” sex messages all the time? We followed a protocol of telling our children exactly what they were asking at any given time—but no more. That is, we answered their question. Let them ask another. Answered that one. And so on. Don’t bombard them with sexual information that they are not asking for/ready for. Likewise, do not create an environment in which they will not ask because they think it is “bad.”

And just like honesty and kindness, we teach a healthy sexual outlook constantly, always watching for “teachable moments,” always ready for the next lesson. Not overdoing it, but not keeping them in the dark so that they wonder too much and have to seek out the information elsewhere.

We also model it. Parents should not shy away from “public displays of affection” in front of our children. Our kids should see us dancing, hugging, kissing, flirting, and desiring to be with each other. They should want what we have someday in the future—and know that it is going to be very good when it happens.

I know that is a lot to process, but in light of the recent news reports, we have to admit that even good families with consistent spiritual teaching can have children involved in sexual misconduct and even abuse or molestation. It is our job as Christian parents to teach and protect our children—and these tips can help us teach and protect well.

Watch the blog for the sequel to this article—“Protecting Our Children From Sexual Abuse Away From Home.”  This article will deal with sleepovers, authority figures, other people’s homes, childcare situations, and more.

The post Duggar Trouble: What Christian Parents Should Really Be Focusing On appeared first on Character Ink.

In this Wondering Wednesday audio podcast, Donna Reish of Character Ink Publishing and Raising Kids With Character Parenting Seminar, explains many of the terms and concepts foundational to the Reish’s Raising Kids With Character Parenting Seminar. In this episode Donna explains foolishness versus childishness, bringing in boundaries, expectation explanations, parenting in the black-and-white versus parenting in the gray, and much more.

Click here to download the printable handout.

Subscribe to our Wondering Wednesday podcasts in iTunes.

The post Wondering Wednesday Podcast: Terms and Concepts From RKWC Parenting Seminar appeared first on Character Ink.

If you don’t want your kids to get muddy, don’t let them play in the mud! But if you’re like us, and think there are many more important things in life than if kids get muddy, go ahead and let them play! The key is to be proactive–decide ahead of time what you can and cannot tolerate!

One of our favorite Preventive Parenting tips is that of becoming a problem solver. As parents, we can complain that we do not like how something is going or how our children are behaving–or we can decide to solve the problem at hand. 

We have found that many things that seem insurmountable–getting kids up and around on time in the mornings without too much stress, having the evening meal on the table at a certain time, and being sure that our kids are reading a lot–are easily taken care of when we decide to solve the problem–rather than just complaining about it or wishing that things were not as they are.

Let me give you some real life scenarios that I have recommended or heard of lately to get your “thinking skills” and “problem solving strategies” working:


1. Kids up running around in the morning, getting into things, etc.,  before Mom has had a chance to get herself ready–and prepare for their rising! 

Make a “nobody up until you are told you can get up” rule. Our preschoolers were not allowed to get up whenever the pleased. 

Just like they had to go to bed at a certain time, they also were not permitted to get up at random times. We had tape players in their bedrooms with radio dramas and talking books available–and also had them put their favorite books on their headboards. They were allowed to read or listen to tapes in the mornings, but they had to wait for me to get them up before they got out of bed.



2. Kids outgrowing their naps but fighting with each other when Mom and other littles are trying to rest. 

We can come out and referee fights, yell at our kids for waking the baby, etc,. or we can make a quiet hour–a time in which only quiet activities are allowed. For us, these quiet activities were in a tub marked Quiet Hour–and were items that did not need any assistance to use.

 In the case of fighting after outgrowing naps, the two who are fighting must have Quiet Hour in separate rooms–and if Quiet Hour is violated, it’s back to naps for them.




3. Kids not ready in the morning on time, stress and fighting, etc. 

Implement morning routines–a set list of things that each child does from rising times until breakfast, or whatever the end of morning routine time holds. Figure up the amount of time needed to get those things done, subtract that from leaving or ready for school time–and make that time the Morning Routine time. (Read more about morning routines here.)





The point of this post is that so many things that cause us stress, fights, poor relationships, nagging, etc. can be handled through problem solving–proactive parenting–parenting in a way that we prevent those times, as opposed to always putting out fires because we did not prevent them to begin with.

Proactive Parenting provides a much more peaceful environment in our homes. It allows us to work on the discipline issues that are really crucial–and to ward off punishment, etc.,  for situations that can be handled ahead of time, rather than in the heat of the moment. 

As an added bonus, Proactive Parenting teaches our kids how to solve problems, come up with options, get a handle on things before they become too big, etc.,  as they watch us model these skills for them.

The post Be Proactive! Be a Problem Solver! (Partial Reprint) appeared first on Character Ink.

There is actually no place this is truer than in parenting…. (from Destination Healthy Me)

The post A Change a Week–Times Fifty Weeks a Year Times Thirty Years…Equals a Lot of Change! appeared first on Character Ink.

With the closeness of two of our parenting seminars in Indiana and the extremely high interest in training toddlers and preschoolers in character and obedience, I decided to re-run parts of two past posts today. Scroll all the way to the bottom for some other links, as well! And share our blog and FaceBook page with others who might be interested in learning about how to enjoy those years more than ever–from a Christian couple who LOVED ages two to six! Smile…


Question: How can I start some of the character training concepts and habits that you describe with a toddler?


Answer: If you are just starting out with your family and have only a toddler, you have the perfect opportunity to start out right in the character training of your children! I will offer some general tips below, but even more importantly than the “daily ins and outs” of the ideas I recommend, I suggest that you read Parenting Paradigms at this blog (soon to become “Character Training From the Heart”). Even if you take to heart some of the ideas for your little one given in this Q and A, in the end, you will be more successful at character training if you have a firm handle on what you believe about parenting and children.



                                        Toddler Character Training Tips



1. Start adapting the toddler to your schedule and your family’s lifestyle as soon as you can (six to nine months) rather than making your family’s life revolve around the little one’s “wants.” You want to enjoy your toddler within the dynamics that your family already has (with the addition of the joy and wonder that a toddler brings into the family, of course)—as opposed to making everything change to meet unnecessary and often chaotic demands that a toddler who is given his own way all the time can often make.(Check out our important material on discerning wants vs. needs. ALWAYS meet needs–in a timely, loving, and consistent way!)



2. Remember that you are setting the stage right now for your child’s “tastes” (follow us on PP 365 or schedule our seminar for more details about this important concept).

a. You can set his tastes for defiance (allowing screaming, throwing, thrashing, and “no” from him) or submission.

b. You can set his tastes for selfishness and meanness (allowing hitting or other forms of striking, giving in to him when he wants something that someone else has, always making his surroundings whatever he wants (i.e. no bedtime, no sitting in high chair, etc.) due to “fits” or for kindness, gentleness, sweetness, and tenderness.

c. You can set his tastes for hyper-stimulation and activity (too much running; no scheduled down times; television and videos all the time) or for simple things (books, healthy toys, rest, etc.).

d. You can set his tastes to lack focus and not enjoy learning (again, too much video, not starting out with books and simple music; an avalanche of cartoons and children’s programming (some of which are developed in two second bits to keep up with short attention spans, thus, causing kids’ attention spans not to lengthen as they should) or a love for learning (via books, strong family learning, and discussion times, etc.).



3. Decide ahead of time what your “behavior absolutes” are.

a. These are the behaviors or character that you absolutely will not allow in your home. What you allow now will become the “acceptable behaviors” to your child. These seemingly innocent actions include “fibbing,” hitting, running the other way when called, etc.

b. For us, these “behavior absolutes” included talking back (no toddler saying “no” without being punished); lying or deceit; temper tantrums; and striking (hitting, pulling hair, throwing things at someone, etc.). Obviously, we wanted our kids to learn to obey and submit to us and to learn the many character qualities that are crucial to living a Christian life, but these four things were things we never wavered on—and things that we made huge deals out of when they were not adhered to by the toddler/preschooler.

4. Start showing your little one the joy of doing what is right. Contentment in your own life, the blessing of work, the joy of loving God and His people—and all of the character that you want your little one to adopt in his life—love, longsuffering, diligence, responsibility, and more will more likely be realized in our kids’ lives when we ourselves embrace and model them.

5. Try to establish routines that will aid in his character development—bedtimes, rising times, little “chores” (putting his books in his book basket after you read), nap times, meal times, story time, etc.



For more tips on toddlers and babies, click on the links provided below:



Who makes the decisions for the children—starts here and goes for a few days: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/10/day-260-who-makes-decisions-for.html




Say what you mean—starts here and goes for two days: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/09/day-248-dont-leave-your-little-one-at.html






Storytime: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/07/day-204-story-time.html

The post Character Training for Toddlers and Preschoolers–Boundaries, Simple Tastes, and More (partial reprint) appeared first on Character Ink.

Today I bring you more tips for Taming the Television. I pray that these will help you to make the most of the time you have with your children. You will never regret the hours upon hours you spend discipling, mentoring, nurtering, heart training, and playing with your kids–take it from a mama with a thirty year old! Smile…

7. Replace television with something else—you!

About thirty years ago we went to a parenting seminar in which the speaker told a story of a dad who wanted to get rid of his family’s television. His children balked at the idea. He told them that he was taking away the television but giving them something else. They asked him what this something else was, and he replied, “Me!”

Everyday his children would call him at work, anxiously awaiting his arrival home. “What are we going to do tonight, Daddy?” And each day he gave his children something far more valuable than television: he gave them himself.

Don’t just remove television, certain nights of tv viewing, or tv time without replacing it. There are games to be played, living room football to be conquered, talks to be had, words of affirmation to be spoken, talking books to be listened to, stories to be read, lessons to be learned, foods to be cooked, lego castles to be built, crafts to be made, songs to be sung, and hearts to be won. Turn off the television and turn on relationships.

8. Have the children earn television hours.

This has been suggested to us many times when we speak about time management and time with your children, so it must work well for some folks! I have heard of various ways to earn tv time—same number of hours reading as watching, getting so many minutes per chore, earning minutes by doing things on time (i.e. homework done by six equals 30 mins tv), etc.




9. Watch out for preschoolers’ screen time!

This isn’t a method for controlling as much as an admonition. Your preschoolers will grow to dislike simple pleasures very quickly if they watch television and movies all day. We had a “no movie during the day period” rule most of our lives. (The exception to this was one hour of educational dvds, like Reading Rainbow, Doughnut Man, NEST videos, etc. for one hour after naps with one particularly trying child.)

Note: The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no more than two hours per day of television for two year olds through preschoolers and none at all for children under two. There are so many more educational, meaningful, physical, and fun things for two, three, and four year olds to do besides watching television!

We teach the concept of “setting children’s tastes” in our parenting seminar–and it is so real and so true and so impacting that we want to shout it where ever we speak. Just like my two oldest kids despise pop because we “set their tastes” by not ever giving them any when they were little, so we set all of our children’s tastes for continual entertainment by bombarding them with it when they are young.



10. Make a “no turning on the television without permission” rule.

 I am amazed when children come into a house and turn on the television. I have seen semi-pornography on commercials for television shows many, many times when we are at someone’s house watching football or in a motel viewing television. I would never consider letting our kids have the remote control to a tv and flipping through the channels. They just see way more than they should see at their ages (or more than I want me or my husband to see!).



11. Be careful not to use television as a babysitter too much.

I know preschoolers and toddlers are demanding. I had six kids twelve and under all at home by myself twelve to fourteen hours a day every day—without television (or even computers!)! However, continually putting little ones in front of the television is simply not healthy for them. Their attention spans will not lengthen like they would if they were listening to talking books, listening to you read aloud, “baking” a play-dough pie, or building with Duplos. Use the television as a babysitter only when it is absolutely needed—and try to find other ways to entertain toddlers as much as possible.




12. Limit daytime viewing for everyone.

 We always told our kids that daytime isfor learning and working—and evenings are for resting, fellowshipping, playing, and family. It is extremely hard to control the number of hours our kids watch television when they watch from seven to eight before school and again from four to six after school—to start with!




13. Pay attention to how much time children spend using all screen media.

In a study recorded in the Official Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics, the hours of actual screen time logged by children versus the hours that parents estimated were significantly different. In our media-driven age, we should be aware of all of our children’s media/screen time—not just television*. In order to control the amount of time our children sit in front of entertainment screens, we must be realistic and honest about the amount of time they truly are being entertained by any screen.




14. Do not put a television set in a child’s bedroom.

The aforementioned study discovered that children with televisions in their bedrooms watch significantly more television than children without. Furthermore, parents monitored television habits much less when there were many television sets in a household—and especially when the children’s rooms contained televisions.

15.  Turn the television off when it is not being used for purposeful viewing.

 The study previously cited found a negative association between the use of television as “background” and children’s time spent reading. Quite frankly, reading is a simple pleasure that many children do not enjoy—background noise of television is not conducive to enjoying this pasttime that takes a great deal more effort than simply viewing and listening.



16. Pinpoint other nonscreen, in-home activities that your children enjoy.

When discussing the idea of reducing television viewing time in your home, you might have a family meeting and draw up a list of other ideas of things the family can do instead of watching television. A website devoted to helping families reduce their dependence upon television, The Television Turnoff Network (https://www.televisionturnoff.org/), lists one hundred alternatives to “screen time” that parents can suggest to their children.





Family time is worth fighting for. The relationships that can be developed when some of the distractions are removed are incredible. The amazing things that we and our children can do with the time that we are not watching television are worthwhile. Don’t let your children set out to spend nearly fourteen years of their lives watching television!

*Jordan, Amy, PhD; James C. Hersey, PhD; Judith A. McDivitt, PhD; Carrie D. Heitzler, MPH. “Reducing Children’s Television-Viewing Time: A Qualitative Study of Parents and Their Children.” Official Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics. Web. Feb 2010.

The post Taming the Television Part II of II appeared first on Character Ink.

With so many new year’s resolutions involving time–family time, controlling time, more time with those we love, less wasted time, etc., I thought I would re-work parts of a lengthy series I did on here a few years ago–this time titled “Taming the Television.”

When Ray and I speak or write about allowing more time to be with your kids, we are always asked how we have so much time for our kids, especially in light of our business and ministry. And the answer lies in not where we get the time (we all get the same amount, remember), but where we allocate the time we have been given.

Thirty-two years ago this summer Ray and I were married in a little country church. The best marriage advice we received (and followed) has also become our best parenting advice: do not get a television. Somebody told us not to get a television set for the first year of marriage but instead spend time together, talking and getting to know one another, developing intimacy and romance. We took that advice—and have been “stationless” for most of the thirty-two years of our family, though we did get a vcr and eventually a dvd to watch movies. (We tried getting stations one year, but didn’t like the way it dictated our evening schedule and stole time from us. We just got a television and Netflix about a month ago–and so far, so good!)

With the advent of computers, dvd’s, i-pads, and other electronic devices, we have other things to contend with for our attention—and our entire family loves movies—however, we have found that by not being able to get television stations (via antennae, box, cable, etc.), we have gained the most-sought-after commodity: time. The latest statistic on television viewing in America is twenty-eight hours per week, per person. Even if we and our children watch three movies a week (which is a stretch many months), we still have twenty more hours every week than the “average” American.

We cannot tell people that they should get rid of television as it is all bad. Nowadays, more than ever before, there are tons of good, interesting, entertaining things to watch. Educational and informative programs abound. Good movies are available at the flip of the remote. However, one thing has stayed the same: television (and now internet or internet television) is the greatest time robber of all things that vie for our attention.

Getting rid of television programming is not an option for most people, I realize. After all, it’s an American institution! However, I propose to you that even getting control of the television could potentially yield you more time than you would know what to do with! And would give you literally hours each week to spend with your kids.

Consider the math for a moment. If a person is the “average” American watching twenty-eight hours a week of television, over an eighty year life, that person will have watched 13.29 YEARS of television—28 hours a week x 4 weeks x 80 years=116,480 hours….divided by 24 hours in each day equals 4,854 hours, which equals 13.29 years of twenty-four hour days. Imagine the relationships we could build with our children; imagine the things we could learn; imagine the good we could do—with even half of that time, say six and a half years—given to us. Makes me want to control my time just a little better!

Today and tomorrow I will give you many ideas and tips for Taming the Television–some that we have used successfully and some that we have heard of others using. Here we go:


1. Set weekly time limits.

 Even with the ability to only watch movies for at least thirty of our thirty-two years, we have had to set weekly limits when it seemed that every day someone wanted to watch a movie! We have usually had the four to six hour movie rule per week—and found that this was enough for the kids to watch a thing or two that they wanted on dvd (currently Monk on dvd) and a family movie or two.

This varies with kids, too. A couple of our kids really like watching movies; our three boys recently went an entire month without watching anything, even though they were allowed to watch if they asked. Now they got a television series on dvd and have watched several hours in one week. It is the spirit of this rule—not the letter—that we try to follow. It is about being in control of your life (and teaching your kids to be in control of theirs)—not about a certain number. We balance this time out so that it is enough entertainment to enjoy being entertained, but not so much that it controls our lives.*

 2. Set television days.

We had a rule for over a dozen years that other than educational dvd’s (we use some teachers on cd/dvd for school), movies could only be watched on Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. I prefer the #1 idea as sometimes the children wanted to watch, watch, watch simply because it was the weekend.*



 

3. Decide ahead of time what programs/times/days the family will watch television each week.

 Many child development experts recommend this—and call it the “family viewing schedule.” Write these programs/times on a calendar or schedule, and only turn the television on during those times. This method provides you with conscientious, purposeful viewing—not just, “Wow, we’re home, so we should turn on the television.”



 

4. Cover your television or put it away unless it is purposeful viewing time. We have our television on a rolling cart in my bedroom closet.

This worked for us for most of our family’s life because if we had a television to watch movies on, it was not  hooked up to anything to keep it in one place (i.e. cable or box, etc.). I know this might not work if you have it hooked up to receive programming, but our family loved this. We just sat in the living room and talked for hours—no television calling out to us, no “favorite programs” causing us to work around them. If you do have your television hooked up to something, you might consider having it in an armoire or other close-able cupboard. Again, the out of sight, out of mind concept works wonders, especially for younger children.





5. When you do watch movies and television, watch it together whenever possible.

This will allow you to keep tabs on what your children are seeing/hearing, but it will also create opportunities for lively discussions. We love to talk about movies that we have watched. We love to quote lines from them back and forth to each other. Watching together allows you to share the entertainment, not just passively watch shows separately.

Obviously, we cannot do this all the time. The boys were on a Psyche kick  (on dvd)with one of their sisters. They only watched it when the four of them could all watch it together—and Ray and I seldom joined them. We didn’t have the time then to devote to watching it, and we knew that they were watching it together, so that worked out well.

Family viewing will be more of an event than an everyday occasion if certain shows or time slots are dedicated to family television watching or movie watching rather than just evening free-for-alls.



6. Declare certain days “tv-less days.”

 If you cannot get rid of television programming all together, the “tv-less days” seems to be the next best thing to me. Decide what evenings/days are people’s least favorite days to watch something, and make those evenings no television evenings. Cover the television up—and don’t even consider turning it on. If you manage to have three evenings a week without television, you will likely cut your family’s viewing by one third, at least. Just imagine evenings together without anything distracting everybody. If you do this, follow our family’s “replacement” rule—if you’re going to take something away from your kids, replace it with something else. (More on this tomorrow!)



Well, I am out of time and space. Tomorrow I will post tips for television viewing reduction for children specifically. Same bat time. Same bat channel. (Sorry–I just couldn’t resist.)


*Note: With the ability to watch things online, watch dvd’s, stick a dvd in the laptop, etc., we have found it especially important to include all viewing in these time or day limits. Thus, the four to six hours a week includes anything they watch—unless they watch it at Grandpa’s for an overnighter or go to their brother’s to watch football or something.

The post Taming the Television (Plus!) Part I of II** appeared first on Character Ink.

So…here is the first one….a link to many links about developing strong study habits for younger students. Now is really the time to get serious about implementing some of these schedules and ideas (before the day before-back-to-school!)….so, get your iced water with lemon and click and read! 🙂 Thanks for joining us!

https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/09/day-240-strong-study-skills-begin-with.html

The post Developing Strong Study Habits for Younger Students appeared first on Character Ink.