{"id":647,"date":"2012-12-07T00:53:00","date_gmt":"2012-12-07T05:53:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/characterinkblog.com\/only-by-comparison-reprint\/"},"modified":"2015-06-26T18:08:23","modified_gmt":"2015-06-26T22:08:23","slug":"only-by-comparison-reprint","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/characterinkblog.com\/only-by-comparison-reprint\/","title":{"rendered":"Only By Comparison–reprint"},"content":{"rendered":"



This week I am going to run a lengthy article that I wrote several years ago about comparing our children\u2019s behavior with others\u2019 behavior\u2014and the results of that comparison. If you have read Training for Triumph newsletters or articles at our TFT website, you might have already read this. <\/span><\/p>\n

Even though it is long\u2014and is a \u201cre-run\u201d\u2014I think it\u2019s worth repeating. As Christian parents, we can get caught up in the comparison game very quickly, without realizing the dangers of it\u2014the dangers from thinking we are inferior AND the dangers of thinking we are superior. Thanks for joining us!<\/span><\/p>\n

                \u201cOnly By Comparison\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

                                        By Donna Reish<\/span><\/p>\n

  <\/span>
Many years ago I found a comic strip that became our family\u2019s mantra. In it, Blondie and Dagwood sat at a restaurant with their four children. The kids misbehaved mildly\u2014spilling drinks, bickering over the orange crayon, and asking for something expensive. However, in the background of the Bumstead\u2019s restaurant booth, other little ones were out of control everywhere\u2014swinging from the chandelier, standing on the table, throwing food from high chairs, and screaming. A couple approached Blondie and Dagwood and commented on how well-behaved their children were, to which the tired parents smiled and then turned to their offspring and said those words that ring too true: \u201cOnly by comparison.”<\/span> <\/p>\n

 Through our years of parenting seven young children (especially once we had four or more eight and under), we were often stopped in public (as many large families are) and told that our children were behaving well. They sit so nicely. They don\u2019t talk in church. They aren\u2019t fighting when they get in or out of the van. And through the years we have told our children two things: Only by comparison and If your behavior was really good, someone would pay for our dinner like they did for the Prides. (Mary Pride, homeschool and family author, wrote in an article over twenty years ago that someone paid for her family\u2019s meal not once, but twice, on the same vacation, due to well-behaved children.)<\/span> <\/p>\n

Those two lines became our family\u2019s jokes through the years\u2014we only look like we have well-behaved children because compared to biting, screaming, thrashing kids, you guys are great! People only think you are being quiet because compared to the noise level around us, you kids are practically whispering. And the old\u2014when you guys are really, really good in a restaurant, we\u2019ll know it because someone will pay for our meal.<\/span><\/p>\n

Without even saying (or thinking) the phrase, Only by comparison, Christian parents today often pat themselves on the back, rejoice, and sometimes, dare I say it, even gloat\u2014because compared to much of children\u2019s behavior that is permitted today, our kids are doing okay. And we develop a false sense of security in our children\u2019s Christian development and a Pharisaical attitude about our parenting.<\/span> <\/p>\n

Our kids might fight and say mean things to each other, but at least they aren\u2019t doing what the neighbor kids do\u2014cussing each other out and squealing out of the neighborhood at twice the posted speed limit. Our kids might not listen and respect the pastor as much as we would like for them to\u2014but at least they\u2019re not texting other teens and playing games on their cell phones during the service like the kids two rows up are doing. Our kids might not work as hard as we think they should on their chores and household responsibilities, but at least they do a job or two each day\u2014unlike a nephew or niece who never does anything around the house. And on and on it goes. And yet it is all only by comparison.<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

Case in point one: A couple of years ago Josiah (then ten; child #6) had a bad case of strep throat and ended up dehydrated and very sick. He was admitted into the hospital for eighteen hours to rehydrate, gets some iv antibiotics, etc. He went in at eight pm and came home the next afternoon. In the course of eighteen hours, for some reason still unknown to us, Josiah received an award\u2014patient of the week. Now, remember he was only there for eighteen hours\u2014and at least ten of those were spent sleeping. During the eight hours he was awake, I had to tell him at least a dozen times to quit asking so many questions when a nurse came in the room. (\u201cWhere does that lead to?\u201d \u201cHow does that give fluid?\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s in that fluid?\u201d etc. etc.) What did Josiah do in eight hours of precocious questioning that warranted him the \u201cpatient of the week\u201d award? Nothing\u2014that\u2019s the point. He didn\u2019t do anything bad. He didn\u2019t complain, fuss, fight with me or the nurses, throw fits, argue, or disagree. He got an award not because he did anything great\u2014he got an award because he didn\u2019t do anything bad. Talk about low expectations! Josiah is a great kid with tons of character; however, this award didn\u2019t make us especially proud of him. We would have been proud of him if he had gotten an award for helping the nurses straighten the parent room or for encouraging another sick child or for cleaning up his toothpaste in the sink. But he got an award simply because he wasn\u2019t bad. Only by comparison.<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

More recently, I was editing at McDonald\u2019s (my favorite editing spot, believe it or not) with Jacob, then age nine (child #7). He was taking a \u201crecess\u201d from his school work and went to play in the play area. After a little while, he came back out to me with an elderly lady following close behind him. He said, \u201cMom, this lady wants to meet you.\u201d I introduced myself, and the lady said that Jacob was being such a good boy in there that she had to come out and find out for herself what his mom had done to raise him that way. She went on and on about well-mannered he was, how he didn\u2019t fight with the other kids, etc. etc. Then she questioned me about how we \u201ckept him from being like the other kids in there.\u201d She then shook both of our hands and left, telling us that she was going to tell everyone she knew about this little boy and his homeschooling mommy. After she left, I asked Jacob what he had done to earn him such accolades, to which he replied, \u201cI didn\u2019t do anything, but the kids in there were really bad today, so maybe I just seemed good because they were being really bad.\u201d Only by comparison.<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

The problem is widespread in Christianity\u2014and it has invaded our parenting, forcing our parenting standards to go down lower and lower\u2014lower than they were, but still a notch above the person or persons we are comparing to! Too often Christian parents base their performance in parenting on how poorly someone around us is parenting\u2014and we try to at least hover above that level. <\/span><\/p>\n

This ought not to be! Christian parenting should not be about looking, seeming, or feeling better than those around us. It should be about excellence. It should be about high expectations. It should be about pleasing God in our parenting\u2014not others, and certainly not ourselves!<\/span><\/p>\n

I have a list (of course!) of suggestions for those of us who seem to be sliding down into \u201cnormalcy\u201d or \u201csub-par\u201d parenting due to false and unhealthy comparisons. (And even after nearly twenty-eight years of \u201cdoin\u2019 the Christian parenting stuff,\u201d I still fall into that trap myself at times!)<\/span><\/p>\n

Tips for NOT sliding into the \u201conly by comparison\u201d parenting model:<\/span><\/p>\n

1. Prayerfully seek God on your current parenting approach. Is it based on how children around you act? Are you basking in the fact that your kids\u2019 behavior is better than another family\u2019s kids\u2019 behavior? Do you relish the idea that compared to other young people, your teens are not \u201creally that bad\u201d? <\/span><\/p>\n

2. Do you treat others whose parenting skills are not as well-established (or whose are different) as yours in a condescending or \u201cholier than thou\u201d way? I think we would be surprised how what we see as \u201cconfidence\u201d or \u201ccertainty\u201d in our parenting approach can appear to others to be pride\u2014and actually hurt them (and unnecessarily cause them to suffer from the \u201ccomparison syndrome\u201d). <\/span><\/p>\n

3. Do you feel yourself slipping into a mediocrity or \u201conly by comparison\u201d mentality? Purpose to measure your parenting\u2014and your children\u2019s behavior—by God\u2019s Word and character, not by those around you. You know in your heart of hearts that absence of bad does not necessarily mean good. God wants us to strive to live our lives fully for Him\u2014and raise our children to do the same, not just to live in such a way that we avoid \u201cthe bad.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

4. Try to steer clear of the \u201cputting out fires\u201d approach to parenting. Yes, we do have to solve problems, but we should be teaching, training, and discipling all the time\u2014not just correcting negative behaviors. Use teachable moments to instruct in righteousness, such as pointing out how others feel (empathy), discussing helpfulness and opportunities to serve (selflessness), talking about taking the high road (decisiveness), illuminating good morals (virtuousness)–encouraging godly character in our kids\u2019 everyday lives. <\/span><\/p>\n

5. Focus on our children\u2019s interactions with each other and us. The way our children treat their parents and each other will eventually be the way they treat others in their lives in the future. If they are consistently selfish or hateful to a brother, they will likely not have good relationships with co-workers. If they are disrespectful to us, they will probably not respect their future spouse. All relationship and character training begins at home. It is a constant magnifying glass to show us parents exactly what our children are becoming. <\/span><\/p>\n

6. Fill their lives with stories of good\u2014not just stories of absence of bad. We have made it a practice to read biographical material aloud nearly every school day for the past twenty years. Reading about how Hudson Taylor gave up his daily comforts of a soft mattress and rich foods or how Amy Carmichael put her own life in danger to save children or how William Borden gave up great riches to bring people to Christ will eventually leave their mark on your children. (They also give us points of reference for discussion: Remember how decisive Hudson Taylor was before he ever left for China? What did William Borden discover about worldly riches?) <\/span><\/p>\n

We have found out through the years that the only by comparison parenting mode does not result in good parenting\u2014or well-behaved children. However, our second mantra, if your behavior had really been good, somebody would pay for our dinner, eventually did pay off. When Joshua turned fourteen, he chose Red Lobster for his birthday dinner (back when we could afford sit down restaurants for birthdays!), and we enjoyed the meal together\u2014only to be approached by a couple who commented on the children\u2019s behavior and slid Ray a $100 bill* for our food. The kids were ecstatic\u2014and we were pretty happy parents. The children felt they had finally done it\u2014they had, had good enough behavior to earn a free meal. And we were not out the money for an expensive meal. I wouldn\u2019t want to get in the habit of paying my kids for good behavior\u2014but I sure enjoyed this windfall!<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This week I am going to run a lengthy article that I wrote several years ago about comparing our children\u2019s behavior with others\u2019 behavior\u2014and the results of that comparison. If you have read Training for Triumph newsletters or articles at our TFT website, you might have already read this. 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