![\"My](\"https:\/\/farm6.staticflickr.com\/5554\/29991796460_5a5ea0aba7_z.jpg\" "\\"My")
<\/a><\/p>\nI don\u2019t have answers for mamas who are grieving such devastating losses. But I do know this…writing this poem, reading it over and over through the years, talking about Carly with family and friends (especially our children), and thinking about her really have helped me.<\/p>\n
So if you are suffering a current loss or a loss from long ago, don\u2019t be afraid to share it. Don\u2019t be afraid to talk. Don\u2019t be afraid to tell that it hurts like mad. Because it does.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
There are so many of us out there who have lost babies\u2014through miscarriage and\/or stillbirth. Others of us have had our fertility plucked from us (literally) before we were ready. And we understand.<\/p>\n
I pray that \u201cMy Journey With Grief\u201d will help you in some way.<\/p>\n
Love and hope,
\nDonna<\/p>\n
P.S. Scroll all the way to the bottom as there is a printable version that creates a 5 x 7 folded booklet that can easily be printed off.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
My Journey With Grief<\/h3>\n
Unbelievable…
\nAfter nearly a month, it’s still unbelievable.
\nI never dreamed I could lose so much in one short weekend.
\nThe nurses called “the week-end from hell.”
\nI wanted to say, “No. It may seem that way, but whatever happens, God is still in control…”
\nBut I couldn’t.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I knew the chances of the baby getting sick were great\u2014
\nThe antibodies were high and she was positive for all three of them…
\nStill…I never, ever thought she would die.
\nEven when here transfusion began\u2014
\nI thought, “In fifteen minutes or so she’ll be better–until next week’s transfusion…”
\nI was even counting the short weeks until she could be born–prematurely–yes–but alive.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The clock ticked away so quickly–I wanted it to stop..
\nAn hour without getting into the cord–then another half an hour…
\nBy this time, everyone in the room knew that with each unsuccessful jab of the needle into the cord, she was dying..
\nStill–I hoped….and prayed.
\nTwo hours passed\u2014
\nThe doctor said we needed a miracle now…
\nHer little heart that had been beating so quickly was slowing down…
\nHer flailing arms became motionless on the little black and white screen.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Then suddenly the doctor said what all eight of us in the high risk maternity room knew…”I’m sorry–her heart has stopped beating.”
\nWe knew that, of course, for we had watched her die over the last two and a half hours\u2014
\nBut those words pronounced finality.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Tears… <\/p>\n Labor…thirty-six to seventy-two hours was the estimated time it would take for our precious baby to be born… <\/p>\n How could this happen? <\/p>\n Labor was slow–as I expected after seven c-sections. <\/p>\n The monitor showed very little time between each contraction…ten seconds…maybe twenty…then another contraction would begin. <\/p>\n Twenty-four hours passed with no change in my cervix… <\/p>\n Bright lights–people everywhere. Hadn’t I had enough bad news for one weekend? <\/p>\n Everything I had ever read about a ruptured uterus came into my mind all at once… <\/p>\n Preparations were made quickly… <\/p>\n We hugged…we cried…kissed…prayed… <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ray waited and waited\u2026. <\/p>\n Good news\u2026<\/p>\n The doctor was working on the rupture\u2026 <\/p>\n More waiting\u2026 <\/p>\n \u201cShe got a lot of good out of that uterus,\u201d the doctor explained, as he told Ray about the placenta embedded into the uterine wall\u2026 <\/p>\n I came out of the anesthetic slowly\u2026 <\/p>\n Back to my room\u2014I lay there\u2026 <\/p>\n <\/p>\n A few hours after surgery\u2014it was time\u2026 <\/p>\n My hands were too swollen to feel her sweet skin well\u2026 <\/p>\n A knock on the door let us know they were there\u2026 <\/p>\n Ray took the kids into the \u2018quiet room\u2019 to explain what happened to Mom in the night. <\/p>\n The next thing I knew my room was filled with red-eyed children\u2026 <\/p>\n By nighttime\u2014nearly twenty-four hours after the surgery had begun, the numbness wore off and the pain set in\u2026 <\/p>\n On the third day I discovered how much easier physical pain is to bear than emotional pain\u2026 <\/p>\n I could finally drink and eat\u2014sit up and walk\u2014which just gave me more places in that large room to cry. <\/p>\n Leaving the hospital was just as difficult as I expected it would be\u2026 <\/p>\n My kind, \u201cpersonal\u201d nurse wheeled me to the car\u2026 <\/p>\n The first few days at home are a blur to me\u2026 <\/p>\n I\u2019m trying to go through the motions, somewhat, of putting the pieces of our family back together\u2026 <\/p>\n Ten days after Carly died—and four days after I got out of the hospital, Ray returned to work\u2026 <\/p>\n Anger set in as I reviewed my obstetrical history\u2026 <\/p>\n I know I should feel grateful\u2026 <\/p>\n The thing I dreaded most has begun\u2026going out. <\/p>\n Even when your body becomes \u201cunpregnant,\u201d your mind and emotions do not. <\/p>\n I went back to the doctor for a check-up\u2026 <\/p>\n We put my maternity clothes away today\u2014for good. I know the baby is gone\u2026 <\/p>\n I went to a craft sale with my daughters today. <\/p>\n Something amazing happened today\u2026I lived. <\/p>\n It\u2019s happening more often now\u2026 <\/p>\n We celebrated one of the kids\u2019 birthdays and I enjoyed part of the day\u2026 <\/p>\n I just told a friend today that I was getting so much better\u2026 <\/p>\n I went four days without crying\u2014a big accomplishment for me lately. <\/p>\n Grief is a lot like the hiccups. <\/p>\n We put up our Christmas decorations\u2026 <\/p>\n I got a family Christmas letter from a friend today. <\/p>\n I sometimes still hate going out\u2026 <\/p>\n I have such mixed emotions about Christmas. <\/p>\n As I sat typing and crying my almost-seventeen-year-old son came up, hugged me, and told me he loved me\u2026 <\/p>\n I took my grief books back to the library today\u2026four weeks over due. <\/p>\n It\u2019s been ten weeks now\u2026 <\/p>\n People are asking less and less\u2026 <\/p>\n It\u2019s been eight days since I\u2019ve truly grieved\u2014that is cried until my whole body hurts\u2026 <\/p>\n Every time I feel like I\u2019m starting to accept the way things are, something interferes with my acceptance. <\/p>\n I had to go teach a workshop to some homeschooling moms on \u201cfamily unity\u201d and I made it through\u2026 <\/p>\n Save<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Every fall I want to share this….and every fall I make my way through the poem again, look at pictures, cry, and put it all away until next fall. Then I repeat the cycle. Until this fall. Seventeen years ago today we lost our last child, a little girl we named Carly Grace at twenty-one […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_mi_skip_tracking":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1261,643,797],"tags":[665,895,1293,1292,896],"yoast_head":"\n![\"My](\"https:\/\/farm9.staticflickr.com\/8271\/29657902533_a82c475c96_z.jpg\" "\\"My")
<\/a><\/p>\n
\nLittle did I know how many tears a mother could cry…
\nTears of grief for our little baby that in twenty-one weeks
\nI had grown to love more than anyone would think possible.
\nTears of disappointment for the joys we could never know in raising her and watching her grow.
\nTears of longing for her to live…longing for this whole afternoon to just be a bad, horrible dream…longing for her to be alive…to kick…to squirm.
\nTears…millions and millions of them…on the day she died…and for years to come.<\/p>\n
\nSlow, long labor–to keep my scarred uterus from rupturing.
\nWe held each other into the night–awaiting her arrival. Wait…
\nOne last check—“Could you listen for the heartbeat again? I thought I felt her move…”
\nThe doctor and nurse knew the truth…
\nI did too.
\nBut what if? What if she really hadn’t bled to death?
\nWhat if she were somehow still alive?
\nNo heartbeat was found\u2014
\nThe kind nurse wheeled in the ultra-sound machine…
\nLifeless–she lay in my womb.<\/p>\n
\nIntra-uterine blood transfusions have a 98% success rate–this was supposed to save her life–not take it.
\nHow? Why??
\nI drove hours to get one of the best doctors that can be found…
\nHow???
\nI know in my heart that shew as too sick to live more than a couple more days…
\nBut that would have been two more days to love her.<\/p>\n![\"My](\"https:\/\/farm9.staticflickr.com\/8135\/29991803510_bdedddd184_z.jpg\" "\\"My")
<\/a><\/p>\n
\nAt twenty-one weeks pregnant, my body was not prepared to release this little life.
\nWe waited…and waited…no dilation followed no dilation.
\nI was so thankful that I was physically numb…the emotional pain was hard enough without feeling each relentless contraction.<\/p>\n
\nIt would seem with almost constant contracting, my uterus would begin to open–but no…
\nMaybe I just didn’t want to let her go.<\/p>\n
\nWith each passing hour, my fever rose a little higher…
\n100.4—100.8—101.1—102.5…
\n“Could this mean my uterus has ruptured?”
\nI was assured it couldn’t…
\nWhen a uterus ruptures, a person begins bleeding–severely…
\nMy blood pressure remained normal.<\/p>\n
\nI had just about resigned myself to dying in the night from some unknown infection, and was drifting off to sleep.
\nMy perinatologist came into the room..
\nI knew right away it was a bad sign.
\nI had been monitored, since they began labor, by a kind, young obstetrician…
\nWhen they brought in my specialist–it could only be bad news.<\/p>\n
\n…for one month?
\n…for one year?
\nHe felt my uterus…
\nIt had gone down early that evening…
\nRush–rush…
\nThe ultrasound showed what he already knew just by feeling my flattened womb…
\nIt was ruptured.<\/p>\n
\nBleeding…lots of it…very often to death.
\nHow could my uterus have ruptured when she weighed less than one pound?
\nWill I die?
\nWhat about Ray and the kids?<\/p>\n
\nBlood–lots of it–was secured….
\nThe operating room was readied…
\nExtra doctors were there to assist.
\nTwenty-five minutes later I was being wheeled out of my room, down to surgery…beside intensive care.<\/p>\n
\n“Tell the kids I love them so much…”
\n“And if I don’t make it, please find someone who will love them almost as much as I do…”
\nI left him standing there outside the door–crying and praying…
\nBright lights again…
\nI would soon lose something else I loved very much—the gift of fertility.<\/p>\n![\"My](\"https:\/\/farm9.staticflickr.com\/8601\/30172782622_4d502425d8_z.jpg\" "\\"My")
<\/a><\/p>\n
\nAfter one hour, a nurse brought her to Ray—
\nCarly Grace Reish\u2026
\nLifeless and tiny\u2026
\nRay held her and cried\u2026
\nEleven ounces and ten inches long\u2026
\nShe was like our daughters\u2019 smallest dolls\u2026
\nExcept she was real—
\nShe was ours—
\nand she was dead.<\/p>\n
\nOnly one unit of blood was needed so far\u2026
\nHe might be able to save the uterus.
\nRay waited some more\u2026
\nPhone calls were made and prayers were being sent heavenward.
\nHow much longer???
\nIt was only supposed to take an hour and a half.<\/p>\n
\nRay called down to the surgical floor\u2026
\n\u201cShe\u2019s still in sugery\u2026.\u201d
\nNo calm words of assurance\u2026just that fact.
\nThree hours passed\u2026
\nSame answer.
\nFinally, the specialist came in\u2026
\n\u201cThey\u2019re finishing up. She\u2019s okay.\u201d
\nIt was going on four hours since I left my room.<\/p>\n
\nA hysterectomy was the only way to stop the severe bleeding.
\nPlacenta accrete?
\nAnother rare condition that often leads to death\u2026
\nHow could that happen, too?<\/p>\n
\nI was reminded once again of why I always choose an epidural over a general\u2026
\n\u201cWas I alive?\u201d
\n\u201cDid I bleed to death?\u201d
\n\u201cWas it over?\u201d
\n\u201cDid they save my uterus?\u201d
\n\u201cWhere\u2019s the baby?\u201d
\nI was alive\u2026I hadn\u2019t bled to death\u2026though I practically had all new blood\u2026
\nIt was over\u2026and my uterus was gone\u2026
\nAnd yes, the baby was still dead.<\/p>\n
\nTwo IV\u2019s, a catheter, stomach tube, monitors\u2026
\nThirst overtook me\u2026
\nNo drinking for a while\u2026
\nLittle did I know that meant thirty hours.
\nIt felt nothing like the happy C-sections I had had\u2014
\nPhysically OR emotionally.<\/p>\n![\"My](\"https:\/\/farm6.staticflickr.com\/5477\/30172790532_5862a3e730_z.jpg\" "\\"My")
<\/a><\/p>\n
\nNeither my body, nor my heart felt ready to see and hold me new baby\u2026but the kids were on their way down to see her\u2026and me\u2026.I had to get ready.
\nRay had already rocked her in the wee hours of the night\u2026
\nCrying for her and praying for me.
\nIt was my turn to see and hold the little girl will we never know.<\/p>\n
\nMy mind was in a fog\u2014partially from the anesthetic and partially from grief.
\nI held her carefully\u2026.
\nShe was so small\u2014I guess I was afraid I\u2019d hurt her.
\nI told her I loved her and that I wanted her so badly\u2026
\nI know she couldn\u2019t hear me, but I had to say it anyway—over and over.
\nI rubbed her soft cheeks as well as I could with my clumsy, swollen fingers\u2026I touched her little pug nose and rose-bud lips\u2026
\nShe already looked exactly like her older sisters and looked when they were born\u2014except she had to blood or baby fat\u2026
\nOh, what I wouldn\u2019t give for her to cry or breathe.<\/p>\n
\nThe five older children were waiting in the hall to see the baby sister they had longed for\u2026
\nVisions of the day we first told them about her arrival floated in my mind\u2026
\nKara cried and hugged and hugged me\u2026
\nJonathan jumped up and down exclaiming, \u201cThank-you, Mommy. Thank-you for getting us another baby!\u201d
\nThe older children hugged and kissed us\u2026
\nOur home was full of joy that day.<\/p>\n
\nThey knew Carly had died on Friday evening, but they didn\u2019t know they could have lost Mom on Saturday night, as well.
\nThey cried and cried\u2014fearful of all the bad things that were happening. I waited in my room—knowing that seeing the girls holding their lifeless baby sister would be one of the hardest moments of my life.<\/p>\n
\nThey wanted to see Mom first\u2026to make sure I was okay.
\nThen Ray brought Carly in\u2026
\nThey held her\u2026one at a time\u2026tears dropping onto her little body\u2026
\nI hugged each one, speaking special words individually to them\u2014through my tears.
\n\u201cYou were my first baby girl\u2026\u201d
\n\u201cWe named her Carly, because we knew you wanted her to start with a C, just like you\u2026\u201d
\n\u201cYou\u2019re going to have to keep on being my baby girl now\u2026\u201d
\nOh, how I love these children\u2014including Carly Grace.<\/p>\n
\nThe next two days were nothing like my post C-section days\u2026
\nAll the tubes and IV\u2019s stayed in place\u2026
\nAll I could do was roll from side to side..
\nEverything still seemed scary\u2014
\nMy fever bounced around\u2014my hemoglobin dropped\u2014my incision came open\u2026.
\nMy doctor and I exclaimed, almost in unison, \u201cWhat could go wrong next?\u201d<\/p>\n
\nI couldn\u2019t push the morphine button on one of my IV\u2019s to handle all of the raging emotional waves that were washing over me\u2026
\nI cried almost continually for the next three days in the hospital—waking at 3:30 in the morning to talk to Ray and cray together\u2026
\nIt seemed the pain would never end.<\/p>\n
\nRay and I rehearsed over and over the whole weekend\u2026.
\nFrom losing Carly, to losing my uterus.
\nI always knew we had a special marriage\u2014a deep relationship that most people never get the chance to experience\u2026
\nBut the week in the hospital\u2014and everything we went through together\u2014just magnified the closeness that we share\u2026
\n\u201cDo you want me to tell you what the doctor said after surgery again?\u201d
\n\u201cDo you want to cry together?\u201d
\n\u201cDo you want me to hold you close?\u201d
\nHe rarely left my room the whole week\u2026
\nEven eating meals off the extra trays the nurses would bring in—just so I wouldn\u2019t have to grieve alone.
\nNever in my life have I felt the love, commitment, kindness, compassion, and tenderness in our marriage as fully as I did then.
\nI hurt more deeply than I thought was emotionally possible\u2026
\nBut I was also loved by my husband—just as deeply.<\/p>\n
\nI draped my upper body over the little glass crib in the corner of my room and wept as I never have before\u2026
\n\u201cI always loved seeing my babies in these beds\u2014so new\u2014so sweet, soft and perfect.\u201d I told the nurse.
\nI sat in the wheelchair, ready to be taken to the car\u2014examining each corner of the lovely maternity room\u2026
\nAll perfectly decorated to bring joy to new moms who make through a high risk pregnancy with a healthy newborn baby\u2026
\nThat was the room I was in for seven days\u2026
\nWhere all of my dreams for future babies\u2014including my precious Carly\u2014were shattered.<\/p>\n
\nShe had cried with me on Friday when Carly died—and now she was crying with me again as I left the hospital following a birth\u2014for the last time.
\nShe hugged and held me in the elevator as we waited\u2026
\nI will never forget her kindness and compassion.
\nAs we pulled away from the hospital, I felt overcome with emotion as the truth set in: I will never leave the hospital with a new baby again.<\/p>\n
\nMy hemoglobin was so low that being up for any period of time was impossible\u2026
\nI mainly slept\u2026and cried.
\nThe graveside service seemed unreal\u2026
\nCould that really be my last little baby in that tiny coffin?
\nI was glad it was just Ray, the children and I\u2014along with our pastor and his wife\u2026
\nWords of comfort were spoken\u2014and someday they will sink in\u2026
\nRight then the grief hurt so badly, it could have been a physical pain.<\/p>\n
\nWe still have seven children who need a mother\u2014though how I\u2019ll ever have the emotional strength back to be the mother I once was, I do not know.
\nI joined the family for worship tonight\u2026
\nThe last couple of nights I have barely made it to the dinner table, much less to worship.
\nWhen it was Josiah\u2019s turn to pray, he prayed that God would give us another baby girl.
\nWhen we told him that we would never get another baby girl, he prayed that God would put
\nCarly on the living room floor, wrapped in blankets\u2014alive.
\nI said my silent \u201camens\u201d for I, too, with child-like faith wanted to pray that same prayer.<\/p>\n
\nI would have to bear this burden alone for twelve hours everyday.
\nI called him several times a day\u2014frantic and panicked with anxiety and grief\u2026
\nI needed him so badly.
\nFriends brought supper for weeks\u2026
\nTheir visits were filled with mixed emotions\u2026
\nSometimes I longed for the time to come when they would arrive\u2014other times I feared losing control when they were here.<\/p>\n
\nIt read to me somewhat like a horror story\u2026
\nCephalo-pelvic disproportion resulting in C-sections\u2026
\nTwo failed attempts at regular births\u2026
\nDevelopment of two rh anti-bodies\u2026
\nA molar pregnancy resulting in losing the baby after a few short weeks\u2026
\nA D&C to remove anything left from the molar pregnancy\u2026
\nDevelopment of some obscure kel anti-body\u2014unrelated to the rh—
\nA sick baby affected by the anti-bodies\u2026
\nA failed intra-uterine blood transfusion resulting in Carly\u2019s death\u2026
\nA ruptured uterus\u2026
\nPlacenta accrete\u2014resulting in the placenta becoming embedded in the uterine wall\u2026
\nHow could all of these things—most of which only occur between one-tenth of 1% and 2% of the time\u2014happen to one woman\u2014namely me.<\/p>\n
\nBut I can\u2019t.
\nI have seven wonderful children that I adore, but all I can think about is Carly\u2014and the future children that I will never have.
\nThis summer I told a friend that I had a feeling we would have ten children.
\nI knew it wouldn\u2019t be easy getting them into this world, but I felt it would be worth all we had to endure.
\nNow that dream will never happen.<\/p>\n
\nI don\u2019t want to see people\u2014especially lots of them at once.
\nI walked into church and began to cry before I ever made it to my seat.
\nA mom in front of me had her new perfect baby\u2026
\nOh, how I wish I was still pregnant.
\nWe were due at the same time.
\nEach Sunday we compared notes\u2026
\nNow I can only cry as I see her pregnant body.<\/p>\n
\nIt\u2019s so hard to believe that I\u2019m not expecting.
\nEverything revolves around being pregnant\u2026
\nI wake up in the night with Ray\u2019s arm draped over my abdomen and automatically think, \u201cOh, he\u2019ll hurt the baby.\u201d
\nI start to take an aspirin and think, \u201cI better not, it\u2019s not good for the baby.\u201d
\nMy hand goes to my stomach without thought, but my baby is no longer there\u2026
\nOh, I wish she would kick.<\/p>\n
\nI cried the whole way from the car to the waiting room.
\nI was surrounded by women with high risk pregnancies.
\nI know many of them are filled with fear and anxiety\u2026
\nBut they still have their babies.
\nI saw a couple of the \u201cregulars\u201d and just hoped they wouldn\u2019t ask any questions.
\nI buried my face in Ray\u2019s shoulder and tried not to make eye contact.
\nThey called my name quickly; they knew I couldn\u2019t stay out there long.
\nThe nurses and ultra-sound technicians all hugged me\u2026
\nMy doctor came into the room\u2026
\nHe hugged me and told me how very sorry he was.
\nThis meant more to me than I thought it would\u2026
\nI know he sees many babies die in his high risk world, but he cared about me\u2026<\/p>\n
\nWe took each item off the hangar and replaced it with my regular clothes\u2026
\nThen we boxed them up.
\nI will never need them again.
\nI loved those clothes\u2014truly, I did.
\nI never complained about being pregnant or having to wear them\u2026
\nI never put off wearing them until my regular clothes were bursting\u2026
\nMy heart would have had enough love to wear them many more years..
\nBut my body just didn\u2019t cooperate.<\/p>\n![\"My](\"https:\/\/farm8.staticflickr.com\/7554\/30172773452_8cfb6734ef_z.jpg\" "\\"My")
<\/a><\/p>\n
\nI know I\u2019ll never feel a baby kick again\u2026
\nBut I can\u2019t make my mind or heart realized that.
\nI awake in the night, thinking I feel the baby move\u2026
\nA hungry stomach is mistaken for a squirming baby\u2026
\nI wouldn\u2019t complain now if Carly kicked me in the ribs\u2026
\nReally, I wouldn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
\nI had told them when I first got out of the hospital that I thought I would feel well enough by now to go\u2026
\nAnd I did\u2014physically.
\nEmotionally, I didn\u2019t want to go at all\u2026
\nEvery time I saw someone I knew I wanted to hide\u2026
\nDid she know? Would she ask about everything?
\nI didn\u2019t want to talk to anyone about it.
\nAt one point I looked around at the complete strangers and thought, \u201cWhy are all of these people acting so happy and Chrstimas-y?\u201d
\nDon\u2019t they know my baby died?
\nCan\u2019t they see how badly my heart hurts?<\/p>\n
\nI know that sounds strange, but I don\u2019t feel like I\u2019ve been living for the past six weeks, just surviving\u2026barely.
\nI was in the schoolroom surrounded by all of the children.
\nJoshua and Kayla were laughing at each others\u2019 grammar errors in their reports, Cami and Kara were doing their independent work, Josie and Jakie were playing on the floor, Jonathan was reading aloud to me,
\nWhen suddenly I had a piece of joy\u2026
\nI wasn\u2019t just going through the motions.
\nI looked around the room and realized that for a brief moment I felt just as I used to during a busy school morning\u2014happy.<\/p>\n
\nI cry a little less and laugh a little more.
\nMy days are not as grief-filled as they were, but instead somewhat more life-filled.<\/p>\n
\nI played games with the kids and laughed because I wanted to laugh, not just because I should laugh to brighten their day.
\nIt feels good to be happy some of the time\u2026
\nWill I ever feel this way all of the time? Without forcing myself to try?<\/p>\n
\nI told her how I\u2019m doing school all day\u2026
\nAnd starting to enjoy it.
\nI told her how well I felt physically\u2026
\nThen I came home and crashed\u2026
\nGrief came washing over me so quickly\u2014and so unexpectedly.
\nIt hurt again just like the first couple of weeks and now I can\u2019t quit crying\u2026
\nOh, Carly, I wish you were here.<\/p>\n
\nI thought about Carly a lot, but the huge pain wasn\u2019t always there\u2026
\nJust a tinge of longing, a moment of wishing,
\nThen I went back to my work.
\nThe books all said that I would wake up one day and realize that I hadn\u2019t cried for a while\u2026
\nAnd realized that it didn\u2019t hurt quite as badly as the week before\u2026
\nAnd that\u2019s just how it happened.<\/p>\n
\nI know that sounds funny, and I certainly don\u2019t mean to sound flippant about it\u2026
\nBut it is.
\nI can be going along just fine\u2026working, schooling, writing, reading aloud to the children, talking with a friend\u2014whatever\u2026
\nWhen suddenly I am overtaken by grief.
\nIt happened again last night.
\nRay wanted me to pick out an opal ring\u2014Carly\u2019s birthstone\u2014for Christmas.
\nI saw one that I knew immediately was the one.
\nThe second I slipped it on my finger, my heart was aching\u2026
\nMy eyes filled with tears\u2026
\nI\u2019d much rather have Carly than an opal ring\u2026<\/p>\n
\nAll of my thoughts centered on the fact that I was no longer pregnant.
\nWhen I\u2019m pregnant I always think about where the baby will be developmentally by a certain time\u2026
\nWhen we put up the tree, I was supposed to be a month or six weeks away (in my mind) from having her\u2014
\nWe were supposed to be singing around the tree with the children taking turns feeling here kick\u2026
\nI wasn\u2019t supposed to be able to bend over and pick up the ornaments the little kids dropped or carry heavy boxes in from the garage.
\nI tried to be happy for the kids\u2026
\nAnd I was okay for a day or two\u2014but then it hit me that I will never be pregnant or have a new baby at Christmas again.<\/p>\n
\nIn it, she told about her due date and how it won\u2019t be long after the holidays until her baby comes\u2026
\nI was supposed to write that in my Christmas letter, too\u2026
\nBut instead I have to write about how sweet and precious our baby would have been and now it will never be\u2026
\nI have to write about that whole horrible weekend that stole our baby and any future babies from us.
\nHer letter seemed so full of joy\u2026
\nBut mine will be full of grief.<\/p>\n
\nI don\u2019t mind it if I\u2019m going somewhere where everyone knows what happened\u2014church or family get-togethers\u2026.
\nBut I hate to go see people I haven\u2019t seen for a while or people who might not know that the baby died.
\nI\u2019m so afraid someone is going to ask me how much longer until the baby is due or if she\u2019s healthy or had to be transfused yet.
\nI sip my coat up so now one will see my non-maternity clothes\u2026
\nI walk quickly\u2014and on the other side of the store to avoid talking to some people\u2026
\nIt still hurts too badly to tell it all over again.<\/p>\n
\nOn one hand I\u2019m surprisingly excited about it\u2026
\nI love getting the children gifts, surprising them, doing special Christmas things together, singing around the tree each evening, reading Christmas stories at night\u2026
\nBut a part of me just can\u2019t quit hurting.
\nCan I genuinely be happy on Christmas morning when my little boys jump up and down with glee and my older children and kiss me with thankfulness for the special gifts they\u2019re receiving?
\nHow could I not be?
\nBut I know this same knot of grief that\u2019s tied in the middle of my being will still be there\u2026
\nTrying to steal my joy.<\/p>\n
\nHow can I not be content with such wonderful children?
\nHow can I not feel total oy with the precious gifts God has already given me?
\nI don\u2019t understand it, but I know part of me still aches and aches\u2014and no amount of wonderful blessings\u2014even fun, sweet, loving children and the most wonderful husband in the world\u2014can completely take that ache away\u2026
\nEven though they try\u2026
\nAnd I do too.<\/p>\n
\nI don\u2019t feel as much a need to have them on my headboard as I had.
\nI don\u2019t pick them up every day to read and reread others\u2019 stories and pain.
\nI don\u2019t feel as swallowed up in tears and sadness as I did.
\nTears still come\u2014and the accompany dull ache in the middle of my heart\u2014but not constantly, and not uncontrollably.
\nMaybe I\u2019ll make it after all\u2026
\nMaybe someday the ache will be gone.<\/p>\n![\"My](\"https:\/\/farm6.staticflickr.com\/5789\/29657894833_7a7cf9fbf7_z.jpg\" "\\"My")
<\/a><\/p>\n
\nI realized today how big and ready-to-be born Carly would be now.
\nOh, if only the transfusion would have been a few weeks later\u2014or even now\u2026
\nShe could have been taken early when she began bleeding.
\nShe would have been small, I know, but we could have loved her to maturity.<\/p>\n
\nIt\u2019s so strange because I used to dread people asking how I am doing, but now it hurts that people aren\u2019t asking\u2026
\nI don\u2019t want to talk about everything to many people, yet when no one asks how I feel, I want them to.
\nI\u2019m afraid my friends\u2014and sometimes even Ray and the kids\u2014have forgotten about Carly.
\nDo they know how much I miss her?
\nDo they know I still want her desperately?
\nDo they know that even when I am laughing on the outside, I am often crying on the inside?<\/p>\n
\nNow I often become angry instead of crying.
\nI know that\u2019s not good, and I really don\u2019t want to, but I often just feel mad\u2026
\nNot at God, or Ray, or the kids\u2014or anyone in particular\u2014just upset with the world.
\nWhy can\u2019t I have more babies?
\nWhy can\u2019t I have Carly?
\nSometimes I just wake up in the morning angry\u2026
\nAnd I go to bed the same way that night.
\nI lose my temper easily and become upset with the children over the silliest things.
\nI get mad at Ray over nothing\u2026
\nAnd have no tolerance for other people\u2019s \u201cpetty\u201d problems\u2026
\nI think it\u2019s easier on everyone if I just cry\u2026<\/p>\n
\nI\u2019ve been doing fairly well with the holidays approaching\u2026
\nI\u2019ve been baking with the girls, reading the book of Matthew to the kids, learning new carols as a family, wrapping gifts together and watching Christmas videos, sharing Christmas stories each night before bed.
\nThen suddenly out of nowhere, Josiah announced that the only thing he wants for Christmas is a baby sister.
\nI want to shout that a baby girl is all I want for Christmas too\u2026
\nNot any baby girl—but our own precious Carly.<\/p>\n
\nBefore and after the meeting it seemed that everyone was talking about having babies\u2026
\nSeveral of the moms are expecting or just had babies, so it wasn\u2019t an easy night.
\nI felt drained and overwhelmed when the evening was over.
\nI wanted to do it\u2026
\nI wanted to help other families in any way I could.
\nI think more than helping them, it helped me to prepare my presentation\u2026
\nAnd focus on my family just the way it is\u2014and the way it will be now\u2026
\nAnd the important job I have to do in raising the children I have.<\/p>\n![\"My](\"https:\/\/farm6.staticflickr.com\/5554\/29991796460_5a5ea0aba7_n.jpg\" "\\"My")
<\/a><\/p>\nPrint this Booklet<\/a><\/h3>\n