{"id":4013,"date":"2015-10-13T20:12:34","date_gmt":"2015-10-14T00:12:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/characterinkblog.com\/?p=4013"},"modified":"2015-10-14T23:24:28","modified_gmt":"2015-10-15T03:24:28","slug":"the-one-parenting-practice-that-changes-everything","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/characterinkblog.com\/the-one-parenting-practice-that-changes-everything\/","title":{"rendered":"The One Parenting Practice That Changes Everything"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a title=\"The One Parenting Practice That Changes Everything\" href=\"https:\/\/characterinkblog.com\/the-one-parenting-practice-that-changes-everything\" rel=\"lightbox\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter\" title=\"The One Parenting Practice That Changes Everything\" src=\"https:\/\/farm6.staticflickr.com\/5640\/22149411425_b8377087f3_z.jpg\" alt=\"The One Parenting Practice That Changes Everything\" height=\"427\" width=\"640\"><\/a><\/p>\n<p>We say it all the time: \u201cYou can\u2019t have that until you are responsible for what you do have!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>We quote movie lines: \u201cWith great power comes great responsibility\u201d (Spiderman\u2026or Voltaire, depending on who you read).<\/p>\n<p>We spout parables and inspirational people: \u201cTo whom much is given, much is expected.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And yet, we seldom actually do it in our parenting.<\/p>\n<p>What is IT?<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><!--more--><\/p>\n<p>The \u201cit\u201d I am speaking of is the parenting practice of linking privileges with responsibility. The idea that you get more and more privileges\u2014more and more power, if you will\u2014as you are responsible for the privilege (and power) that you currently have.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Too often, we buy into a cookie-cutter philosophy of \u201cage-appropriate\u201d responsibilities for our children without even considering if they are ready for the traditional responsibilities.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Turning one? Time to give up the bottle and binky.<\/li>\n<li>Second birthday? Better start using the potty chair.<\/li>\n<li>Five years old already? All day kindergarten it is.<\/li>\n<li>Sweet sixteen? Time to drive and date.<\/li>\n<li>Finally eighteen? College and independence are waiting for you.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>These are milestones that are, in part, based on research and best practices. But not always.<\/p>\n<p>For example, have you ever read the research on a sixteen year old\u2019s brain, decision-making ability, and reaction time?<\/p>\n<p>Regardless of \u201cbig\u201d milestones, there are countless ways every day in which we fail to link responsibility with privilege and power\u2014and our children are paying for it in over-indulgence, too many yes\u2019s for their maturity, and lack of readiness for the next skill or stage.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>How does this play out in everyday life? Have you ever heard parents make statements like the following:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\u201cHe wanted to sit at the table with us, so we got rid of the high chair. Now she just won\u2019t have it\u2026can\u2019t get her to sit at the table more than five minutes.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cI questioned whether he should go all day to kindergarten or wait a year, but I didn\u2019t want him to get behind and he insisted on going. Now he cries every day and wants to stay home.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cI told him he couldn\u2019t go to the game until his chores were done, but he knew I wouldn\u2019t keep him from his game, so he just dilly dalleyed until it was time to go.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cMy husband didn\u2019t want her to get her license because she wasn\u2019t obeying very well in other matters, but everybody else was, so we said yes. Now she never comes home on time. I wish we had waited for the license until she was more mature.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>All of those scenarios (and actually more parenting problems than we realize) can be avoided by \u201cpracticing what we preach\u201d (or quote!).<\/p>\n<p>That is, by doing what we say is best: Looking at each child individually and focusing on what he or she is ready for in each area before we \u201cwiden the boundaries\u201d for that child.<\/p>\n<p>It isn\u2019t hard to figure this out\u2014it is so practical, so common sense (and so what the Bible teaches, what employers do, and how life really works).<\/p>\n<p>But following through on it is another matter.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Here are some tips for carrying this out:<\/strong><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 30px;\"><strong>1)<\/strong> Change your vocabulary. Don\u2019t say \u201clater\u201d or \u201cwe\u2019ll see.\u201d Instead say, it depends on your responsibility. We used to tell our youngest (by far, the hardest child to do this with is the youngest\u2014in spite of all of our experience!), \u201cWhen your responsibility level is up to your ability level, we will talk about it again.\u201d In other words, we know you can do it (have the ability to), but you have to be responsible enough to do it as well.<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 30px;\"><strong>2)<\/strong> Change your way of thinking. Stop looking at man-made benchmarks as being universal. There is the \u201cnorm\u201d for these things, yes, but statistics class aside, these benchmarks (potty training, driving, etc.) are universal benchmarks. You are not parenting for the universe; you are parenting each of your children. (Also, try to change your children\u2019s way of thinking. While there is something to be said for kids looking forward to something happening at a certain age, how much better would it be for the to look at something happening at a certain level of responsibility as opposed to an arbitrary number.)<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 30px;\"><strong>3)<\/strong> Verbalize your criterion often. Don\u2019t leave your child in the dark on when he will be able to do something. Give him guidelines\u2014you will be able to get your license when you do these things (and I\u2019m not talking about passing driver\u2019s ed at school!). He or she should know what you expect of him at all times in order to\u2026.(get her own room, drive, stay up later on a week night, babysit younger siblings\u2026whatever it is).<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 30px;\"><strong>4)<\/strong> Follow through on linking responsibility to privilege. It is one thing to talk about how they are linked; it is another thing to carry it out. Once you have made your expectations known (and maybe even written them out \u2013-hear my \u201cHandling Heart Behaviors of Tweens\u201d <a href=\"https:\/\/characterinkblog.com\/podcast-dealing-with-heart-issues-of-tweens\/\" target=\"_blank\"><strong>here<\/strong> <\/a>to find printables to write out some of these behavior expectations and listen to<a href=\"https:\/\/characterinkblog.com\/character-training-with-routine-behaviors-with-the-consequence-pie\" target=\"_blank\"> \u201cCharacter Training of Routine Behaviors\u201d <\/a>tomorrow for more info), be sure you follow through.<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 30px;\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Linking privilege with responsibility in real life isn\u2019t easy. It might be tough to say no to something now, but how much more rewarding it will be for the child to know that he is getting that privilege based solely on his behavior\/responsibility. And much more secure you will feel in giving him the privilege when you know he is truly ready for it.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>So go! Go do this. Because \u201cWith great power comes great responsibility.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h3>TELL US: How have you linked responsibility with privilege lately in your home? Did it work well? How did your child respond?<\/h3>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>We say it all the time: \u201cYou can\u2019t have that until you are responsible for what you do have!\u201d We quote movie lines: \u201cWith great power comes great responsibility\u201d (Spiderman\u2026or Voltaire, depending on who you read). We spout parables and inspirational people: \u201cTo whom much is given, much is expected.\u201d And yet, we seldom actually [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_mi_skip_tracking":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[630,643,488,633,308],"tags":[10,873,872,42],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v19.5.1 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>The One Parenting Practice That Changes Everything - Character Ink<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/characterinkblog.com\/the-one-parenting-practice-that-changes-everything\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The One Parenting Practice That Changes Everything - Character Ink\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"We say it all the time: \u201cYou can\u2019t have that until you are responsible for what you do have!\u201d We quote movie lines: \u201cWith great power comes great responsibility\u201d (Spiderman\u2026or Voltaire, depending on who you read). 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