by Donna | Sep 11, 2010
Lastly, to stay motivated, trust God. Maybe this should have been first, but it is probably right where I often put it. We as parents sometimes have such a difficult time trusting God, especially when things do not turn out as we anticipated.
Ray and I were recently talking about two couples who had huge impacts on our parenting and family life. We have found out lately that both couples have “given up”—in their own ways—on this idea of Christian parenting. Oh, they haven’t necessarily turned from the faith; they just gave up on many of the things they taught us about passing this faith on to our children.
The first one basically saw that this parenting thing wasn’t working, got disillusioned with things, and started taking the easy way out on everything. It was easier to join the kids than it was to train them.
The second one became angry at God when their kids were not turning out like they thought they would. They are angry, bitter, and cynical. We’ve been told that they are not the same people at all anymore—that we would hardly recognize them.
What made these two couples decide that this wasn’t worth it if it didn’t turn out the way they always dreamed it would? The same thing that makes us give in to a child and just give him his own way rather than sticking to our guns on a discipline issue. The same thing that forces us to extend the curfew a little longer when the sixteen year old gives us a hard time—it’s not like it’s going to make any difference. They aren’t catching anything we’re trying to give them here anyway, we think.
Sure, those couples made big, long-term decisions to skip the teaching in one case and be bitter in the other. But we make those same types of decisions all the time when the going gets rough. Little ones, yes, but similar anyway.
I pondered these two families whom I had nearly idolized for a long time and came to the conclusion that I, too, often find myself heading down the same path when I parent in an outcome-based way only. In other words, if I dig in and do what I know I should do only if things are going the way I planned for them to, I, too, could become lackadaisical and/or bitter.
I can’t parent out of fear—or out of demands that God do what I want when I want it. I have to parent in faith. I have to trust God regardless of how things look. I lose my motivation quickly when I base my efforts on how things are going on a daily basis. I am working hard at this Christian parenting not because if I do everything will go how I want it to, but because it is what I am called to do—and I will trust God for the outcome—and the motivation to stick with it.
by Donna | Sep 9, 2010
I am grateful every day for a husband with the same goals, similar motivation, identical work ethic, consistent parenting methods, and deep faith. I know this isn’t always the case—and it obviously isn’t impossible to keep motivated in this parenting endeavor as a single parent. There are people everywhere doing it. And I believe that God gives the grace for each situation when it is needed; thus, I can’t imagine doing what single parents do, but then I’m not in that scenario either.
If you are a married Christian parent with a spouse who also wants to do the hard work of Christian parenting, regardless of the difficulties you face, you are very blessed indeed. There are a couple of specific areas in marriage that have helped us to keep motivated:
1. Be one in your marriage, as well as in your parenting. Ray and I are seldom unmotivated or discouraged at the same time. Thank the Lord! We need each other desperately in order to keep the momentum to finish this parenting race with our last three “little boys”! We will discuss Christian marriage more thoroughly this fall and especially next year in honor of our thirtieth wedding anniversary. In the area of motivation, though, just knowing that someone is there with you, embracing the same goals and methodology, is a huge motivator. Talk about every aspect of parenting all the time. When one is down, the other can motivate and encourage. And vice versa.
2. Do not view the husband as the breadwinner and the wife as the child raiser. We are both parents—and we are in this thing together. One of the major downfalls of so much teaching on husband and wife roles in the conservative church, to us, has been the whole idea that the husband is the “head” and the “breadwinner” and the wife is the “subordinate” and the “child raiser.” Yes, the Bible does teach that a man is to be the head of the home—but why? He is to be the head of the home to serve and love his family as Christ loved the church—not to be the boss. With the emphasis on the head and breadwinning aspects of marriage, the husband is often thought of us above parenting—or too busy making a living to parent. If a wife is a homemaker, her job is homemaking. However, parenting is not part of the job description of the homemaker. Parenting is part of the job description of the parents, plural. I am so grateful that we were taught about the servant-leadership required of the husband to truly “love as Christ loved the church.” Ray has always considered us co-parents, and, yes, even co-homeschoolers. Teaching, training, talking, disciplining…these are both the husband’s and wife’s responsibilities when they have children—and should not be relegated to the wife alone. It is difficult for a mother to stay motivated in her parenting endeavor if she feels that she is doing it alone. Husbands, if you want to help your wife stay motivated in her parenting, co-parent with her.
More motivating tips tomorrow. I wish I could just reach into every reader’s heart and give you each a huge dose of motivation—along with perseverance, long-term visualization, hope, joy, love, patience, wisdom—all the things I have felt so needy for in my parenting. God bless you all.
by Donna | Sep 9, 2010
I am grateful every day for a husband with the same goals, similar motivation, identical work ethic, consistent parenting methods, and deep faith. I know this isn’t always the case—and it obviously isn’t impossible to keep motivated in this parenting endeavor as a single parent. There are people everywhere doing it. And I believe that God gives the grace for each situation when it is needed; thus, I can’t imagine doing what single parents do, but then I’m not in that scenario either.
If you are a married Christian parent with a spouse who also wants to do the hard work of Christian parenting, regardless of the difficulties you face, you are very blessed indeed. There are a couple of specific areas in marriage that have helped us to keep motivated:
1. Be one in your marriage, as well as in your parenting. Ray and I are seldom unmotivated or discouraged at the same time. Thank the Lord! We need each other desperately in order to keep the momentum to finish this parenting race with our last three “little boys”! We will discuss Christian marriage more thoroughly this fall and especially next year in honor of our thirtieth wedding anniversary. In the area of motivation, though, just knowing that someone is there with you, embracing the same goals and methodology, is a huge motivator. Talk about every aspect of parenting all the time. When one is down, the other can motivate and encourage. And vice versa.
2. Do not view the husband as the breadwinner and the wife as the child raiser. We are both parents—and we are in this thing together. One of the major downfalls of so much teaching on husband and wife roles in the conservative church, to us, has been the whole idea that the husband is the “head” and the “breadwinner” and the wife is the “subordinate” and the “child raiser.” Yes, the Bible does teach that a man is to be the head of the home—but why? He is to be the head of the home to serve and love his family as Christ loved the church—not to be the boss. With the emphasis on the head and breadwinning aspects of marriage, the husband is often thought of us above parenting—or too busy making a living to parent. If a wife is a homemaker, her job is homemaking. However, parenting is not part of the job description of the homemaker. Parenting is part of the job description of the parents, plural. I am so grateful that we were taught about the servant-leadership required of the husband to truly “love as Christ loved the church.” Ray has always considered us co-parents, and, yes, even co-homeschoolers. Teaching, training, talking, disciplining…these are both the husband’s and wife’s responsibilities when they have children—and should not be relegated to the wife alone. It is difficult for a mother to stay motivated in her parenting endeavor if she feels that she is doing it alone. Husbands, if you want to help your wife stay motivated in her parenting, co-parent with her.
More motivating tips tomorrow. I wish I could just reach into every reader’s heart and give you each a huge dose of motivation—along with perseverance, long-term visualization, hope, joy, love, patience—all the things I have felt so needy for in my parenting. God bless you all.
by Donna | Sep 8, 2010
There are over a dozen main areas that we would like to touch on about keeping motivation when your kids are little. I will do a few of these each day as space permits.
First of all, a note about motivation with little kids. It is tough! That’s all there is to it. We live in an immediate gratification society. This is not just in our food and entertainment—it invades every area of our lives. We have come to need immediate feedback or immediate solvency. This has made it especially difficult in things in which the rewards are infrequent or further down the road. And that sums up parenting small children to a tee.
Sure, we get the immediate feedback of their sweetness, their obedience, their cleverness, etc. And I am not saying that those things are not rewarding—they certainly are. However, the long term goal in Christian parenting is raising children to become responsible, loving, selfless Christian adults. And those rewards are w—aaa—–y down the road when you have three kids three and under.
It can feel as though what you do today doesn’t matter that much. It can make us laxed and even lazy. And it can feel impossible. (“I can’t do this anyway, so why work so hard???)
Therefore, we need examples, role models, encouragement, long term vision, etc. to keep doing what we know we should be doing—even when it is easier to take the less demanding path whenever it is offered.
1. Look into your children’s hearts. They are so precious—this will reveal the great need to keep doing what you are doing. Oftentimes, we can’t see ten or twenty years beyond today. We can’t link today’s devotions, talks, or discipline with the whole concept of “raising children to become responsible, loving, selfless Christian adults.” It is then that we have to look into our kids’ hearts and know that we can make a difference in those hearts. And accept each little success as a reward for the job you are doing now—when the two year old stops saying “no” to commands you give; when the three year old says, “Mommy, come see how I made my bed all by myself today,” and yes, especially, when the seven year old says, “Daddy, I want to accept Jesus too!”
2. See the intense years as needful and crucial. These are the years that the foundations of Christian character, self control, and spiritual development are laid. Speaking to groups, we often hear people say, “I can’t wait until my kids are old enough to really read and discuss the Bible,” or “I can’t wait to be able to have heart to heart talks with teens,” etc. That’s great—to look forward to those training years in a positive way. However, the real crucial ones are often right in front of us. Ages two to five are foundational to laying the groundwork for obedience, respect, and contentment. Ages five to ten are the basis of giving a love for learning about God and living in a way that pleases God. Those early years are SO important. I can’t stress them enough. If you only have preschoolers, change your mindset from the “daily grind” to “daily training.” Truly, what you do today has a huge effect on your kids’ futures.
3. Try to find role models with older children—those you can look to that will encourage you that all of your hard work is worth it. Ray and I thank the Lord jointly and individually every week for the influences that he placed in our lives every step of the way. We are some of those rare people who were actually discipled in an extremely intimate way. We had three couples in our lives when we were first born again who helped us nearly daily learn to live this Christian life. As we had children, we had a mentor couple who came and stayed with us for a week or two each year for several years in a row and taught us to “do what I do” in terms of parenting and faith training of children (and in marriage). We also had other young families who had wonderful children a few years older than ours—and we wanted to be just like them! Additionally, we went to parenting and homeschooling seminars in which the speakers had older children (teens and pre-teens) who were respectful, obedient, character-filled kids. We knew what we wanted in our parenting because we surrounded ourselves with role models. Role models who have children who have been raised in strong Christian homes give us hope that this Christian parenting really can be done. They keep us going when we think that what we do doesn’t really matter. They remind us that our calling is everlasting and crucial. Along those same lines, try to find like-minded parents to have as friends and confidants. Being in a small group with like-minded moms, going through parenting classes together, discussing character training all the time, etc. has helped me immensely in my parenting.
Tomorrow—more tips to keep motivated. Not to keep motivated because someday everything will be perfect—but to keep motivated because Christian parenting is one of the most important things we can do. And because it’s worth it.
by Donna | Sep 7, 2010
I know I said we were switching to study skills—and we really are. I have fifty pages of notes, outlines, and articles that I have done on this topic…so it will not be a matter of whether we will do study skills here, but rather where to wind it down. I want to help families with their kids’ study skills but not give so much information it becomes overwhelming. Pray for me!
However, before we dig in to those study skills (next week, honest!), I have been pondering something that my niece and her husband asked me and Ray at a family get together this weekend: How did you keep motivation going strong when your kids were little? How did you (Donna) get up and do everything you wanted and needed to every day with all those needs and all of those demands? How did Ray get up early and teach kids, then go to work, then come home and serve all evening too? Didn’t you just want to be lazy sometimes? Didn’t you just want to do what you wanted to do sometimes? Didn’t you just plain not want to do it at times?
We gave them the short answer—see everything as a big part of a future, unseen-as-yet picture; do the next thing; see others who have done it; take breaks, etc. etc. But I have since thought of more ideas about this topic and want to share it here over the next week.
My niece and her husband have their hands full even more than we did fifteen years ago—they have the same number of kids twelve and under as we did; however, they have three kids three and under—and those demands are huge—never-ending, and extremely tiring. Therefore, I hate to give pat answers. I never liked receiving pat answers—just do what you need to do; keep going; it’s not as hard as it seems; it’s worth it. All of that is true, but I always wanted more than one liners—I wanted the nuts and bolts, and I know many young parents still want the same.
So, today I will give the “pat” answers, if you will. The one liners that I truly believe are pertinent to this discussion. Then over the next week, I will try to put those one liners into motivation, inspiration, and “tools” that are useable.
1. Attack the first hour of the day first.
2. Watch out for time robbers.
3. Attack one thing at a time. Attack the most crucial, pressing matter(s) first, then move on to the next
4. Cut yourself some slack. Take time off when needed.
5. Don’t take on extras or unreasonable goals that detract from what you really need to do.
6. Try to find role models with older children—those you can look to that will encourage you that all of your hard work is worth it and will pay off later.
7. Look into your children’s hearts. They are so precious. This will reveal the great need to keep doing what you are doing.
8. See each need you meet, each task you carry out, each lesson you teach, each heart you touch as of eternal value—not just for the here and now.
9. Spend time with your spouse. Be one in your marriage, as well as in your parenting.
10. Do not view the husband as the breadwinner and the wife as the child raiser. We are both parents—and we are in this thing together.
11. See the intense years as needful and crucial. These are the years that the foundations of Christian character, self control, and spiritual development are laid.
12. Trust God.
You can do this!!! It is so worth it! Things will never be perfect…we have things to deal with even now with our kids (grown ones who still need discipling and ones at home who need us daily in many areas of life) every week, but it is worth it!
I thought it was so hard, that the intense years would never pass. But we kept at it….just kept on doing the same things, the same hard things, day in and day out, knowing that the little glimpses of rewards we saw and the joy that small children bring would some day be bigger glimpses of rewards…and joy unspeakable.
