Recipe for Rebellion

Rules Without Reasons
Rules Without Response
Rules Without Repetition
Rules Without Relationship

Our last couple of times to talk have been times in which we avoid the first two ingredients in The Recipe for Rebellion (Rules Without Reasons and Rules Without Response). In other words, they were talking to give reasons and talking (or not talking!) in order to allow a response.

Rules Without Repetition

The third ingredient in the Recipe for Rebellion is Rules Without Repetition. This ingredient deals with inconsistency in applying rules. (It would more aptly be called Rules Without Consistency, but then it wouldn’t fit as well into our Recipe!)

Talking all the time gives us the opportunity to avoid this ingredient—to be repetitive and consistent in our family rules and ways.

This ingredient points to the times our children comment, “Last time you let me.” It means that when a rule is a rule, it remains the rule (unless it is truly, permanently changed, and then the change is enforced on a consistent basis—not a different rule or take on a rule each time).

This ingredient harms our relationship with our children for many reasons:

1. Inconsistency hinders many areas inconsistency will hinder a Christian in every area of his life.

Our testimonies, relationships, interactions with others, decisions, morals–everything in our lives–must have some semblance of consistency in order to be accepted by others.

A young lady recently told one of my daughters that her parents are so inconsistent that she simply doesn’t know what they want. One minute, she is allowed to date. Then when she begins dating someone they do not like, she is not permitted to go anywhere in a car with a boy.

Inconsistency in rules will “provoke our children to wrath” almost quicker than anything else. The guidelines we have for our family’s lifestyle must have consistency in order for children to follow them. Our schedules need consistency, or our children will never heed them–since they will change on a whim anyway.

2. Inconsistency Creates a Poor Testimony

Everyday we Christians hear people comment that they would never go to church because of the hypocrites. This is a long time problem that will likely never be solved since there will always be hypocrites—and non-believers looking for hypocrites– in the church. Our inconsistent Christian living creates a poor testimony.

With our children, it is even worse. Our inconsistency in parenting causes confusion, anger, and bitterness. Just like the girl told my daughter: “One day it is this rule, and the next day it is something different.”

Our children will not respect our rules if they are not consistently followed–or if the reason for a rule is not consistent in developing other rules (i.e. “one day I can date, the next day I can’t be in a boy’s car even with others there”).

It should be noted here that we do not believe that consistency in making and following rules means that you cannot change rules. You may decide to change a rule: through God revealing something to you; through a friend pointing out a blind spot; through discussion with your spouse; or even through the appeal process.

Consistency does not mean that you never change anything. However, when a rule is changed, your children need to know it is so, and you need to be sure to be consistent in applying the “new” rule.

So how does this rule apply to talking to our kids all the time?

When we talk to our kids all the time—about everything, including our family’s rules, ways, and specialness, we are setting our children up to expect consistency in our home.

A rule or family way isn’t something that we just came up with out of thin air. It is something that is a part of us. It is something that makes our family, our family.

And we talk about those things all the time—so that we foster that consistency in our family—and so that our children trust us to be consistent.

Save

The post 52 Weeks of Talking to Our Kids: Repeat & Be Consistent appeared first on Character Ink.

In the last “talking” post, I described a time in which talking isn’t needed at all. (You can read that here.) Those times are not all that frequently, however, since usually our kids have wanted our input, advice, and help. (And if they didn’t want it, they probably really needed it, so it was up to us to find a way to make it happen.)

To balance that “just listen” vs. “give too much input,” we came up with a solution that has become a popular buzzword in our home.

In this approach, we listened, listened, and listened. Here and there we would give suggestions—“What do you think would happen if you did this?” or “What do you think of this?”

The child would often find solutions herself through this “more listen than talk” approach. Sometimes just saying all of the problems, scenarios, and hurts aloud bring out the best solutions without a lot of input.

Regardless of whether we listened ninety percent and talked ten percent. Or listened fifty percent and talked fifty percent. Or somewhere in between….

There came a point (even if it wasn’t until two or three in the morning), when the child would dry her tears, sigh fretfully, and stare into space.

And this is when we said the words that the child was ready for: “What are you going to do now?”

And this is where the child said the magic words (which used to be please and thank-you but now were much deeper and more important than those): “I’m going to do the next right thing.”

She knew what that was. She knew that getting back at those who had wronged her would never work. She knew that harboring bitterness wouldn’t solve anything. She knew that recounting the offense over and over wouldn’t help. (We had talked enough for the previous sixteen years that she had already learned all of those lessons.)

And then, once again, it was confirmed to us that all of those years of talking—in various places, at all hours, for however long it took, about whatever the child needed or wanted to talk about—was worth it….because the child knew exactly what to do in the current situation: “the next right thing.”

The post 52 Weeks of Talking to Our Kids: Reminding Kids to “Do the Next Right Thing” appeared first on Character Ink.