When our older kids turned twelve (girls) or thirteen (boys), they began to have a special privilege known as “half birthday dates.” At the 12 ½ (or 13 ½) year old mark, that child got taken out to dinner with Mom and Dad for a unique dinner date.

The first date was a time for the son or daughter to re-commit to purity (and for the girls, included a purity/promise ring)— and included a long conversation affirming all of the teaching that they had received up to this point about our relationship standards. (For our family, this has included a commitment not to “date around” but to only begin seeing someone when he or she is ready to get married and thinks the person could be a life partner. (Of course, they didn’t have to plan to marry the person—they just needed to both be ready to think about marriage, and the person needed to be someone that our child would consider as a potential mate—not just seeing people, dating around, etc.).

Beyond that first half birthday date, our kids’ “half dates” have included the child choosing a restaurant and a night out with Mom and Dad to talk about goals, friends, siblings, academics, ministry, and more. It was a novel idea that we carried out for many, many years.

This tradition has gone by the way for us today—as it served its purpose in establishing times away for one child and Mom and Dad during the child’s teen and young adults years. However, it is no longer needed in a formal manner since we have “dates” with our teens and young adults much more regularly than at the half birthday mark today.

(A few years ago—)As a matter of fact, as I type this, we are driving home from South Carolina to bring our son home from his internship with the Academy of Arts. We just did a “dinner date” with our daughter and son-in-law the night before we left to come to SC. The night before that found us eating dinner alone with our seventeen year old after his first day of college classes. As we drive home today, we will sit down with our son at one of his favorite spots. In a few days, one of our daughters will be home with her boy friend, and the four of us will sit down alone one evening. A few days after that, another daughter will be home for a short visit, and Mom, Dad, and daughter will go to her favorite spot. (Yes, it costs money and calories—both of which we save just for these occasions—time with our kids is more of a priority to us than a beautifully decorated house or expensive vehicles.)

When our olders were younger, we would sometimes do “dates” one on one with the little kids, too. These could be as simple as getting an ice cream cone at McDonalds and going to the park to walk and see the buffalo or taking a bike ride. Time with our kids one-on-one doesn’t always have to cost a lot. Once again, the point is that each child knows that Mom and Dad want to spend time alone with that child—and we will go to great lengths to be sure that happens.

And that each child knows that Mom and Dad want to talk to them—to really talk to them.

The post 52 Weeks of Talking to Our Kids: Half Birthdays and Other “Dates” appeared first on Character Ink.

When our “little boys” were tweens, we wanted them to learn about/hear about sensitive things from their daddy—not from Sunday school teachers, youth leaders, movies, television, or peers! It was about that time that we instituted “daddy talks”—times in which the boys (one at a time or in pairs since they were close in age) would sit down and talk with Ray about these types of things.

We called these times “daddy talks”—and they knew that if they ever had questions or heard things, etc., they could call a “daddy talk” and Ray would be available. (Have I mentioned here or in our blog how crucial our availability for our kids really is??)

I can remember that we started going to a different church about the time one of our boys was eleven and going into sixth grade. At this particular church, there was a special class that took place for that age kids—boys went into one and girls went into another for a couple of weeks to learn about “the birds and the bees” and purity. A boy at church told Josiah that he had to go to the “sixth grade” class—that all kids at church had to if they wanted to go to Royal Rangers. Josiah puffed his chest up, marched right up to that boy, and said, “I don’t have to go to that class. I have “daddy talks”! Too cute!

Sweet stories aside, there was (and continues to be) something powerful in a young boy’s life when he has “daddy talks.” Something about those talks and that availability keep that boy from straying too far—keep his heart in check and his activities and motives pure.

When our boys know that Dad will be following up—that Dad will question them on their eyes, thoughts, and hearts—it makes a difference in how they go about their day. When someone is always there, always cares, and always questions, it makes a young boy think twice before acting, viewing, or speaking.

It also makes him feel safe and secure. These feelings, these thoughts, all of these things swirling in my heart, mind, and body—and in the outside world—are okay because Dad is going to walk me through them.

And that is what Daddy Talks is all about.

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When I had several young children, I assigned each child “a day” each week. I first got this idea when I was in teacher’s college, and it was suggested that we teachers pick a different student each day to focus on. It was recommended that we write that child’s name on the calendar for that day (to keep record of who got which day and to ensure that each child got a day) and that we try to praise, help, make more contact with, etc. that particular student on that day. This approach would keep the “non-sqeaky wheels” from getting overlooked.

I applied that to my family, assigning each child a day (Monday was Cami’s day; Tuesday was Kayla’s; Wednesday was Joshua’s; etc.). On that day, that particular child got many advantages and privileges, as well as some extra jobs.

Here are some of the perks that I instituted for the child on his day throughout the years:

(1) Special focus—I tried to praise, affirm, spend more time with, tie heart strings more, etc. for that child on that day—without the child actually knowing it!

(2) Sitting in the front seat if we went anywhere (Because we only went places one or two days a week during the day during the week when my older children were little, we had to alternate whose day it was each week because otherwise, for example, the Monday or Tuesday child would seldom get to sit in the front seat since we seldom went anywhere early in the week.)

(3) Sitting closest to Mom during morning read aloud and afternoon story time

(4) Saying the prayer during breakfast and lunch

(5) Getting to choose two stories instead of one at story time (and getting their stories read first and last)

(6) Getting to have a longer talk time (Malachi time) with Dad that night before bed

(7) Helping Mom cook dinner that day (before they could cook meals entirely by themselves)

(8) Doing an extra job from the job jar

(9) Taking a morning or afternoon “twalk” (talk and walk) with Mom

My kids loved having their special day. It meant more responsibility and work, but it also meant more heart-affecting time—and they were keenly aware of that.

Links:

52 Ways to Say “Triff!” Afrimation Cards for Families
[Podcast] Ten Tips for Staying Close During Intense Training Times
52 Weeks: The Non-Squeaky Wheel Child

The post 52 Weeks of Talking to Our Kids: “My Day” appeared first on Character Ink.

Our children are all different—even among each other. They have different strengths, talents, and skills—and they have different weaknesses.

And they have certain times and ages in which they are not very high need. And, of course, certain times and ages in which they are extremely high need.

Those are all expected. We wouldn’t want them to be all the same. And we wouldn’t want them to all be high need at the same time either!

What about that child who is not really high need very often? What about that one who cooperates most of the time (which means there aren’t a lot of one-on-one “training sessions”)?

What about the child who learns most things easily and independently?

What about the child who is quiet and doesn’t outwardly show a lot of needs?

This child is easily overlooked in a family of many kids. Not on purpose, of course. But it does happen.

We can be focusing so much on meeting one (or more) child’s needs that the “non-squeaky wheel” child doesn’t get greased.

What do you do about this situation? Talk, of course!

You can be sure that this happens in any of the following ways—assign (mentally, in your planner, or officially as in a “child of the day”) each child a day that you will pray for that child more, talk more, cuddle more, and invest in more; or draw a little circle in the corner of your planner every other day or so and color it in when you gave that child extra attention or set aside a certain time (write it on your calendar!) a couple or few times a week that you will connect with that child.

Regardless of how you keep track (and be sure the “oiling” is done), be aware that it might not be easy. First of all, it is hard to fit anything else that isn’t literally crying out to you into your schedule. Secondly, if this is a quiet child, they might be harder to get talking than the one you are always “training.” 🙂

Be sure to ask lots of questions (and not just those with yes or no answers). Be sure you discuss what interests them. Be sure that it doesn’t seem obvious that you are having a meeting!

Related Links:

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