This post is a continuation of the “Age Appropriate Chores Series”. You can read previous posts by clicking here.

Speaking of a sense of accomplishment and pride, we found it much more effective to actually give a child a certain chore, certain area, a certain jurisdiction rather than passing out chores each day, using a job jar, etc. What I mean by this is that we taught a child to do a chore completely, and that naturally became that child’s job.

So when a child learned to unload the dishwasher, unloading the dishwasher became their job. It wasn’t something he helped with. It wasn’t something he did on occasion. It wasn’t something that he did if Mom wasn’t there to do it. It became his.

This doesn’t mean you do not change jobs and pass them out differently after a while. It simply means for whatever period of time you designated this task, whether it is washing, drying, folding, and putting away a load of laundry every day or unloading the dishwasher and setting the table for dinner every day, it is yours.

As your children grow in age and developmentally, you teach them more and more skills, and they are able to add more and more chore. I can remember my children anticipating each new season as they got to move up into “harder” chores—and their “lesser” chore moved down to a younger one. It was a rite of passage to move up into laundry and out of dishes or into assistant chef for dinner and out of laundry. When it comes to chores, keep in mind the biblical admonitions that “to whom much is given, much is expected” and “to add a little at a time, precept upon precept.”

As an aside to this point, I can remember when our youngest was about seven or eight, and he learned laundry. It was so excited to move up to a bigger chore—and relished the thought that his dish days might soon be behind him. When the day came for him to take over two loads of fold up laundry from start to finish each day, he wanted to know who was going to take his dishwasher unloading and reloading twice a day.

When we explained that nobody was—he was keeping that and adding the fold up laundry, his little face was priceless. “You mean there’s nobody taking my dishes now?”

I told him that Daddy did dishes every day for the past twenty-five years, and he was much pretty doomed to dishes for fifty or sixty years if he was a good husband some day!

Of course, in addition to building skills and character in your children, this is a real boost to the family. Imagine, if you are not currently operating in this protocol of chores, that you have four children, ages six, eight, ten, and twelve. And tomorrow morning when you get up, and you are doing phonics and oral reading with your six-year-old, that day’s laundry, dishes, trash, and breakfast preparations are all being done – completely, thoroughly, and consistently. What freedom this provides for a busy mother! And what family unity it builds when the family works together in this way.

Then, breakfast is over, and when you have a language arts meeting with the two older children, the eight-year-old and six year-old children clean the kitchen, load the dishwasher and run it, wipe the kitchen down, and sweep the floor. All that happened because the appropriate training took place, and chore sessions were implemented.

I really feel that giving full responsibility of certain chores to children is paramount in helping children become independent workers and responsible. It is easy to do something when you are asked to do it, but it is character building and life-skill-giving to be responsible for something solely.

*For a complete list of all ages and appropriate chores (including Working With Someone Else lists), see our Age-Appropriate Chores Poster Pack.

The post Chores: “Give” Kids Entire Responsibility When Possible appeared first on Character Ink.

We say it all the time: “You can’t have that until you are responsible for what you do have!”

We quote movie lines: “With great power comes great responsibility” (Spiderman…or Voltaire, depending on who you read).

We spout parables and inspirational people: “To whom much is given, much is expected.”

And yet, we seldom actually do it in our parenting.

What is IT?

The “it” I am speaking of is the parenting practice of linking privileges with responsibility. The idea that you get more and more privileges—more and more power, if you will—as you are responsible for the privilege (and power) that you currently have.

Too often, we buy into a cookie-cutter philosophy of “age-appropriate” responsibilities for our children without even considering if they are ready for the traditional responsibilities.

• Turning one? Time to give up the bottle and binky.
• Second birthday? Better start using the potty chair.
• Five years old already? All day kindergarten it is.
• Sweet sixteen? Time to drive and date.
• Finally eighteen? College and independence are waiting for you.

These are milestones that are, in part, based on research and best practices. But not always.

For example, have you ever read the research on a sixteen year old’s brain, decision-making ability, and reaction time?

Regardless of “big” milestones, there are countless ways every day in which we fail to link responsibility with privilege and power—and our children are paying for it in over-indulgence, too many yes’s for their maturity, and lack of readiness for the next skill or stage.

How does this play out in everyday life? Have you ever heard parents make statements like the following:

• “He wanted to sit at the table with us, so we got rid of the high chair. Now she just won’t have it…can’t get her to sit at the table more than five minutes.”
• “I questioned whether he should go all day to kindergarten or wait a year, but I didn’t want him to get behind and he insisted on going. Now he cries every day and wants to stay home.”
• “I told him he couldn’t go to the game until his chores were done, but he knew I wouldn’t keep him from his game, so he just dilly dalleyed until it was time to go.”
• “My husband didn’t want her to get her license because she wasn’t obeying very well in other matters, but everybody else was, so we said yes. Now she never comes home on time. I wish we had waited for the license until she was more mature.”

All of those scenarios (and actually more parenting problems than we realize) can be avoided by “practicing what we preach” (or quote!).

That is, by doing what we say is best: Looking at each child individually and focusing on what he or she is ready for in each area before we “widen the boundaries” for that child.

It isn’t hard to figure this out—it is so practical, so common sense (and so what the Bible teaches, what employers do, and how life really works).

But following through on it is another matter.

Here are some tips for carrying this out:

1) Change your vocabulary. Don’t say “later” or “we’ll see.” Instead say, it depends on your responsibility. We used to tell our youngest (by far, the hardest child to do this with is the youngest—in spite of all of our experience!), “When your responsibility level is up to your ability level, we will talk about it again.” In other words, we know you can do it (have the ability to), but you have to be responsible enough to do it as well.

2) Change your way of thinking. Stop looking at man-made benchmarks as being universal. There is the “norm” for these things, yes, but statistics class aside, these benchmarks (potty training, driving, etc.) are universal benchmarks. You are not parenting for the universe; you are parenting each of your children. (Also, try to change your children’s way of thinking. While there is something to be said for kids looking forward to something happening at a certain age, how much better would it be for the to look at something happening at a certain level of responsibility as opposed to an arbitrary number.)

3) Verbalize your criterion often. Don’t leave your child in the dark on when he will be able to do something. Give him guidelines—you will be able to get your license when you do these things (and I’m not talking about passing driver’s ed at school!). He or she should know what you expect of him at all times in order to….(get her own room, drive, stay up later on a week night, babysit younger siblings…whatever it is).

4) Follow through on linking responsibility to privilege. It is one thing to talk about how they are linked; it is another thing to carry it out. Once you have made your expectations known (and maybe even written them out –-hear my “Handling Heart Behaviors of Tweens” here to find printables to write out some of these behavior expectations and listen to “Character Training of Routine Behaviors” tomorrow for more info), be sure you follow through.

Linking privilege with responsibility in real life isn’t easy. It might be tough to say no to something now, but how much more rewarding it will be for the child to know that he is getting that privilege based solely on his behavior/responsibility. And much more secure you will feel in giving him the privilege when you know he is truly ready for it.

So go! Go do this. Because “With great power comes great responsibility.”

TELL US: How have you linked responsibility with privilege lately in your home? Did it work well? How did your child respond?

The post The One Parenting Practice That Changes Everything appeared first on Character Ink.

Today I would like to leave you some tips for Independent Work Lists–especially for older students (junior high through high school). These will be in no true order–just some things that I want to re-emphasize from the younger ages as well as things that pertain only to olders.

So here we go:

1. Consider the document or chart that works best for your age child now. Most kids in junior high and high school no longer want cutsie charts. Once you decide you want a genuine paper document, then you have to decide how you want it filled in:

a. As he goes, he lists what he does each day, sort of a daily school journal.

b. You write in a planner each week for him for the following week (page number, number of pages, lesso number, etc.).

c. You have a standard daily Independent Work List that you create in your scheduling program or Excel—that you can customize when something changes, etc. You print this off, put it on a clip board, and have him highlight or mark off as he does things each day.

2. Consider if you are going to make his Independent Work List for him completely or if you will have his input. We liked to choose our high schoolers’ materials, schedules, lists, etc., with them, so that they have some input in the process–and to help model for them/teach them how to organize, prioritize, etc.

3. Still use some of the elements from the earlier suggestions (for younger kids) that are universal, such as:

a. School is your child’s occupation. It is what he should be about during the day.

b. Put the daily tasks in sections according to time of day or importance–and also in order according to when they should be done.

c. Do your part to be sure that charts are updated, printed, and ready. I know from personal experience that if we are laxed in this–they become laxed real quick!

d. Have a system that works for you every day. Have his list on a clip board that he carries with him/keeps in his school area. Have him highlight as he does things. Have him leave it on your desk when he is done, etc.

e. Develop a “no exceptions” approach to daily independent work. A student doesn’t go to basketball, girls group, youth group, etc., until his daily independent work list is done.

4. Have blanks on the chart to add in any work from outside classes, music lessons, Bible quizzing, etc.

5. Put things that are not dailies where ever they go. This was always a little bit difficult for me. Do twice weeklies go on Tuesday and Thursday (but Thursday is our lesson and errand day…). Do three times weeklies always go M-W-F, even though Wednesday is our “cottage class day” and extras do not get done on that day. This might take a while to get in the groove, but it is worth it to tweak things and make it work.

6. For junior high kids, consider that you might need smaller chunks (maybe two math sessions at 30 minutes a day, etc.). Again, you know your student and  your family situation, so do whatever works best for you.

7. Consider if you want this Independent Work List to be his total chart/list for all aspects of his day at older ages:

a. Do you want to put his devotions, music practice, and outside work on there too?

b. Do you want it to contain meetings/tutoring sessions with you?

c. Do you want it to also be his chore list?

There are some definite advantages to a junior high or high schooler having his day right in front of him in one spread sheet. However, this can also get overwhelming to some kids.

Feel free to ask questions here on FB about the Independent Work Lists–I will try to answer them. I can’t imagine not having homeschooled without our three daily task lists: (1) Morning routines; (2) Chore charts; (3) Independent Work Lists!

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Earlier I described how we as homeschooling mothers need to be problem solvers.

One of the problems that we hear about over and over again when we are out speaking is that of students not completing everything that you want them to in any given day. AND keeping kids on task.

Our solution: Independent Work Lists!

Here are some tips for creating Independent Work Lists for elementary children:

1. Either make it on a chart that the child uses wipe and write markers and mount it somewhere–or make it in Excel (or your favorite record keeping program) and place it on a thin clip boards.

Trust me: loose papers never make it back to mom at the end of the day. (Spoken from true experiences–plural–you would think I would have learned this the first time or two! 😉 )

2. Put things in the order of importance on the chart–in the order that you want them done.

3. And/or put things in sections.

I used to have mine in order and sections–the first so many items needed done before the child met with Mom or before the child had a morning snack or before lunch chores, or whatever. Never underestimate the value of teaching children time management, prioritizing, etc. via these daily checklists.

4. Explain to your child that this is his daily accountability list. He is to get these things done each day. (Hint: We taught our children from their earliest recollection of school that school is their occupation. It was what they were supposed to be about every day. No questions asked. No exceptions (unless we parents wanted an exception for sickness or family trips, etc.–in other words, the child doesn’t choose to do school or not do school–ever).

5. For things that you are uncertain of/change-ables, put time or generic wording, such as “30 minutes of uninterrupted CQLA work” or “All CQLA assignments from previous meeting with Mom,” etc.

6. Be sure to include drill work, silent reading, etc.–all the extras that you want him to do each day.

(I even put the things that they would often do as I read aloud on this list in the section marked “During Read-Aloud”–such as coloring in educational coloring book, penmanship page, building something with Legos, etc.)

7. Be sure there is a time in which it is turned in each day.

This is kind of another subject, but it fits here as well: A child should not go to basketball practice, Girl Scouts, youth group, or any other activity if he doesn’t do his school. Period. We have so many parents come up to us at conventions and say, “I just can’t get my fifteen year old to finish his school each day, and he keeps getting further and further behind.” Then we ask, “Does he go to sports practice in the afternoon? Does he go to youth group that night?’ etc. etc. None of those things should ever happen if he doesn’t do his school. School is non-optional.

If your child’s independent list is on a clip board, he can simply put the clip board on your desk at the end of the day–all checked off and ready for the next day.

8. The Independent Work Checklist is, in part, to help keep the child moving as you are working with other kids, walking your college kids through a difficulty on the phone, or helping Grandma with something. In other words, you want to teach your student to get up and start on the list right away–and to go back to the list any time he is not meeting with you or doing chores, etc. (I even put things like “Read to Jonathan for 15 minutes” and “30 minutes of morning devotional book and journaling” on the list–everything the child does (outside of chores) was listed on this chart.

I just can’t stress enough the benefits of the Independent Work Lists–for Mom and for the student. It takes away gray areas of parenting (something crucial that we teach in our parenting seminars). It helps the child become an independent learner. It teaches many character qualities–perseverance, prioritizing, resourcefulness, responsibility, diligence, timeliness, and much more. Yeah, I am pretty crazy about my thirty years of Independent Work Lists! 😉

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