Rules Without Relationship is the final ingredient—and probably the most critical of all of the ingredients to avoid. (Of course, without relationship, we as parents have no desire or motivation to try to explain rules, listen to their appeals, or remain consistent in our parenting.) Relationship must be in place in order to keep our children from rebelling against us.

Recipe for Rebellion

Rules Without Reasons
Rules Without Response
Rules Without Repetition
Rules Without Relationship

Love covers a multitude of parenting problems. However, I will note that we can chisel away the relationship we do have with any of the previous three ingredients in our rule making. Even if we have a strong relationship in place with our children and have secured their hearts, we can cause them to take back pieces of their hearts little by little when we do not have logical rules, do not listen to them, and do not have consistency.

Likewise, an incredibly strong relationship can cause our children to accept our decisions even if we do have some of the other three undesirable ingredients. If our children know that we are trying to do what is in their best interest, and that we would not simply make rules to throw our weight around, they will more easily accept those times when our rule making is less than logical or consistent.

Keeping Teens Close

I look back on the time when our three oldest children began entering their teen years, and it seems a miracle that we were able to keep them so close. I know that there were some key experiences during that time that held us together, in spite of our tendency to not always think when making rules and guidelines. The most significant thing that kept our children true to us during that time was love.

More than anything else, love ruled our home. We might have had some wacko rules, many of which had no logical basis. We might have taken away a lot of things from them that other kids got to do or have (and continue to do so). But we always loved unselfishly. We loved them enough to do whatever it took to stay close to them.

Paul’s declaration about ruling with love is what made those years successful in spite of not knowing what we were doing! In Philemon 1: 8-9, Paul told the people that he could have forced them to do what he wanted them to do (which is how some parents handle things), but instead he wanted to love them into doing what he asked: “…although in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do, yet I appeal to you on the basis of love” (NKJV).

When we appeal to our children on the basis of love–even if we do not have it all figured out ourselves yet–their response is completely different than if we appeal to them with unlimited, tyrannical authority.

Talk often…

We need to talk and talk often—for many of the 52 reasons and in many of the 52 ways. But one of the most important times to talk is when you want to build a relationship with your kids.

The quote by Frederick Douglass: “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men” speaks to this. We can talk and talk and talk and build close relationships with our children now (in spite of the time and effort it takes during these busy years) or we can try to repair things later. It is much easier (even though it doesn’t feel like it at the time) to build strong relationships with our children right now through talking.

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The post 52 Weeks of Talking to Our Kids: Building Relationships appeared first on Character Ink.

We have another new parenting/character training product! A teaching that we offer in our Raising Teens With Character seminar (as well as in our teen workshops for conventions and small groups) is our signature Recipe for Rebellion. In this teaching, we bring to light four negative parenting practice that causes teens to rebel: giving rules without reasons, giving rules without allowing a response from our children, giving rules without consistency (without repetition), and giving rules without having deep, abiding relationships with our children.

Recipe for Rebellion

• Rules Without Reasons
• Rules Without Response
• Rules Without Repetition
• Rules Without Relationship

In this poster packet, I have taken the RKWC Recipe for Rebellion parenting teaching and put it into bite-sized posters with explanations of all four ingredients, Scriptures to remind parents of the importance of not using these harmful “ingredients,” steps detailing the appeal process, and suggestions for avoiding these pitfalls in parenting teens.

Two of the posters include poignant verses that remind us of how we should relate to our teens:

Ephesians 6:4 says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”

Philemon 1: 8-9 …although in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do, yet I appeal to you on the basis of love” (NKJV).

This nine-poster pack (with 8.5”x11” colorful posters) is available at our Character Ink store and at our CurrClick store. It will be given in our Friday Freebies for newsletter and/or blog subscribers (so subscribe today!).

Learn more about the Recipe for Rebellion in our recent podcast episode.

Buy Now!

The post Product Highlight: Recipe for Rebellion Poster Pack appeared first on Character Ink.

Listen to the podcast here!

Recipe for Rebellion

• Rules Without Reasons
• Rules Without Response
• Rules Without Repetition
• Rules Without Relationship

Rules Without Reasons

Replace this part of the recipe with explanations, teaching, and instructions that will stay with your children a lifetime.

Why Tell Children the Reasons Why?

1. It is how God deals with us.

2. It helps our children “own” the lifestyle choices and rules we are making when we do.

3. It is aggravating for the child if we do not.

Ephesians 6:4 says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”

Rules Without Response

1. “No-Response-Allowed” Is Aggravating!

“Fathers, don’t aggravate your children, if you do they will become discouraged and quit trying” Colossians 3:21 (NLT).

2. “No-Response-Allowed” Handicaps Our Children in Their Future Decision Making

3. “No-Response-Allowed” Is Not How God Treats Us!

4. “No-Response-Allowed” Causes Our Children to Argue With Us

Guidelines for the Appeal

1. Use the same key words all the time: “May I appeal?” OR “Can we talk about this?” OR “Can we discuss this further?”

2. If the appeal is disrespectful or done in anger, it is turned down immediately.

3. If the appeal is a series of whines and complaints, rather than a truly godly appeal, it is turned down.

4. If a child begins disagreeing a lot or constantly trying to appeal, the appeal process is terminated for a period of time until that person learns to accept Mom and Dad’s rules more often than not.

5. If the appeal process becomes an argument, it is ended.

6. If the person appealing is turned down, but later has more information (“new evidence”), he may re-appeal that topic.

7. The appeal is truly listened to and thought through by Mom and Dad. Do not pretend to listen to appeals, but not regard your children’s pleas. This is another “Recipe for Rebellion” in itself. (Kids know if the appeal process is just a formality and you are not truly listening to them.)

8. The person appealing is not constantly interrupted by Mom and Dad with justifications. The child should not be patronized during an appeal, but carefully listened to and respected.

9. Once the answer to the appeal is given, the matter must be dropped for the time being. Granted, it might need re-visited, but to continue the appeal once an answer is given is arguing, not appealing.

10. Parents must agree on the answer to the appeal at the time. Later, behind closed doors, discussion between Mom and Dad may need to take place, but in front of the child, a united front is imperative.

Rules Without Repetition

1. Inconsistency Hinders Many Areas

2. Inconsistency Creates a Poor Testimony

3. Causes our children to distrust us

Rules Without Relationship

→Most important “recipe ingredient” to get rid of! Relationship must be in place in order to keep our children from rebelling against us.

In Philemon 1: 8-9, Paul told the people that he could have forced them to do what he wanted them to do (which is how some parents handle things), but instead he wanted to love them into doing what he asked: “…although in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do, yet I appeal to you on the basis of love” (NKJV).

Recommended Resources

Leman, Kevin. Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. (affiliate link) New York: Dell Publishing Company, 1987.

Note: The Recipe for Rebellion and other teen information this week is being excerpted, in part, from our parenting book The Well-Trained Heart.

The post Podcast Notes for “Teens – The Recipe for Rebellion and the Ingredients for Intimacy” appeared first on Character Ink.

Download the podcast notes here.

Listen to previous podcasts here.

Click HERE to subscribe to our weekly e-newsletters and receive this FREE download of nine printable posters to use with your kids.  Already subscribed?  You’ll find link in this week’s newsletter for these posters:)

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