Why not?

Can we change that to…..

These questions are often asked of us parents when we fail to give children the reason for our decisions and instruction.

While there it is true that our children should learn to obey us and trust that we have their best in mind (but again, that comes through lots of talking and letting them see that we have their best interest in mind!), we have determined four key ingredients that cause teens to rebel—Reishes’ Recipe for Rebellion.

Certainly each of the four of these “ingredients” is a reason to talk to our kids….including the first ingredient in the recipe—Rules Without Reasons.

Rules Without Reasons

Explaining reasons for our rules is an important time to talk to our kids! We have believed in giving our children the reasons for our requests and rules (as long as the children are not demanding them), mostly due to embracing Kevin Leman’s* writings, which we discovered early in our parenting. However, we did not realize the importance of our rules and requests being logical and understandable to our kids until after we began debate. Through our experience with teaching our children public speaking and debate (and through judging hundreds of competitions), we learned that not only should we give our children the reasons for our rules if possible, but that those reasons should be logical, scriptural, and understandable.

In other words, it is not enough to tell our kids yes or no and then add “because I told you so.” This goes back to the Proactive Parenting techniques that we have introduced earlier in this blog. One way to prevent problems before they begin is to explain the reasons behind your rules and requests to your children.

Many authoritarian parents do not believe that they should have to do this. After all, we are the parents and they are the children. While you would be hard pressed to find parents who require obedience and respect much more than my husband and I do, we do not buy into the “I am the parent, so the child should do it” mindset—without explanation and teaching concerning the rules we make.

Why? For a number of reasons:

1. That is not how God deals with us! His Word is a gold mine of reasons and explanations to us of why He wants us to do what He wants us to do. He is tender, long suffering, and patient with us. He does demand our obedience, but He does not say that it is “because I told you so.” Rather He says that it is “to help us grow in our faith,” “to keep weaker brethren from stumbling,” “to show that we love Him,” “to be a light to the world,” and on and on. One explanation after another; multiple cause and effect scenarios are presented.

2. It does not help our children “own” the lifestyle choices and rules we are making. You cannot own something of which you do not understand. When we tell our children to live this way or that because we are the parents and we demand it, we are not helping them to develop their own belief system in the future. In essence, we are not giving them learning hooks on which to hook old information, new information, and future information—to utilize when they need to make decisions for themselves.

3. It is aggravating for the child. Ephesians 6:4 says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” We as adults know how exasperating it is to work for someone who makes demands but does not give explanations. Our children often feel the same way with us. The Bible makes it clear that we have the potential to give our children life-giving truths (Proverbs tells us over and over to teach our kids God’s ways) or demanding, “aggravating” commands (without explanations).

So take the time to TALK…to give the reasons—especially when you are implementing a new rule, schedule, approach, or lifestyle choice for your family.

Explain it to the children thoroughly—and give them opportunities to respond (see next post!). Because avoiding the Rules Without Reasons is important enough to talk about it.

Learn more about the Recipe for Rebellion with our parenting packet here.

Recipe for Rebellion

Rules Without Reasons
Rules Without Response
Rules Without Repetition
Rules Without Relationship

Learn more about the Recipe for Rebellion with Donna’s Wondering Wednesday podcast episode here.

* Leman, Kevin. Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. New York: Dell Publishing Company, 1987.

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The post 52 Weeks of Talking to Our Kids: Avoiding Rules Without Reasons appeared first on Character Ink.

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Reasons for Overwhelm

 
(1) Working out of your season of life
 
(2) Doing too much/too prideful to say you really can’t do everything you want/think you should be able to do
 
(3) Working out of your strengths—trying to be like someone else or wanting to have talents that you don’t really have
 

(4) Focusing on too many things at one time—how many things can you really do well?
 
(5) Having unrealistic expectations of yourself, your husband, and/or your kids
 
(6) Having too many things outside of the house
 
(7) Clutter/disorganization
 
(8) Too many thrills and distractions and not enough focus on family, spiritual growth, relationships, and living well

 
(1) WORKING OUT OF YOUR SEASON OF LIFE
 
Abstract: Babies and Business; each season is built in so that the experiences and wisdom of the previous season prepare you; you need time for the skills and wisdom to catch up to what you are trying to do in your life
 
Action steps: (1) List what you spend your time on; (2) How many things are really not for right now (i.e. older women should be doing them; you needed to give them up because you now have a family; etc.); (3) Determine how to gracefully bow out of the things that are not for you right now—make a plan for the future even if you can’t get out of them right away.

(2) DOING TOO MUCH/TOO PRIDEFUL TO SAY THAT YOU CAN’T DO SOMETHING OR CAN’T FIT IT ALL IN
 
Abstract: Time is not finite; treat time like money; “When you say yes to someone, you say no to someone else.” (Who do you want to say no to?); spiritual/emotional implications—pride, fear of man, etc.; too much comparison leads you to believe that others really are fitting it all in.
 
Action steps: (1) List everything you are doing/where your time is going (after you’ve eliminated wrong season things!); (2) Which things are mandatory to meet your family goals? Work goals? Financial goals?; (3) Get rid of things that are not leading you to your real goals.

(3) WORKING OUT OF YOUR AREAS OF STRENGTH
 
Abstract: Takes much more time/energy/stress/money to work in areas you are not skilled in; some hobbies are just not for you (and especially for your season); spiritual/emotional implications—pride, comparison, desire to be what you are not; comparisons dangerous here too
 
Action steps: (1) Identify skills/talents you have been trying to develop that really aren’t you; (2) Should any of these be dropped from your life? (3) What areas of strength do you have that you could be bringing to your life if you weren’t chasing other areas?

(4) FOCUSING ON TOO MANY THINGS AT ONE TIME
 
Abstract: Not able to gain/sustain the motivation and momentum that all of those changes/problems require all at the same time; focusing on many things in life at once (various seasons, many hobbies, outside activities, friends, home renovation, etc., etc.) makes you too general; specificity leads to success.
 
Action steps: (1) Use the steps above for seasons of life, doing too much, out of your strengths to also narrow your life focuses (for life in general); (2) Recognize times in your life in which you were successful and times that too many focuses led you to feel defeated—too many focuses is probably the reason; (3) Follow the TWO MO’s steps to focus on fewer problems/areas of change at one time and really conquer those.

(5) HAVING UNREALISTIC (OR UNMET) EXPECTATIONS OF SPOUSE
 
Abstract: You will never be happy if you base your happiness upon someone else doing what you want them to do; expectations of spouse good if you’ve decided on goals together and the means to carry them out; expectations not good if (a) they are your goals only; (b) they are not communicated clearly; (c) they keep you from being appreciative of what he does do; (d) they cloud your eyes of love; e) they keep you from doing what you are supposed to do
 
Action steps: (1) Talk to husband about planning a change a month or a change a week together (much less overwhelming for a husband than “let’s meet and fix everything”); (2) Communicate general expectations more clearly (and non-judgmentally) than you have been; (3) Stop looking at him as the enemy; (4) Remind yourself that he really does love you and your kids—and wants the best…even if he can’t always do what you want how you want it; (5) Look at him with eyes of love by always keeping two or three things that you love and appreciate about him in the front your mind; (6) Decide that you will do the right thing/do whatever is set before you regardless of whether you think he should do it (Drop the mentality that “if I do it, he never will”—what if that really happens; do you really want it to never be done???)

(6) HAVING TOO MANY THINGS OUTSIDE OF THE HOME
 
Abstract: Don’t assume that your home is the center it should be if you are not doing things continually/staying home to make it that center (it doesn’t just happen); not being at home much communicates to your children that you either don’t like home or that you do not care to be with the family
 
Action steps: (1) Look at your calendar carefully and determine how much time you are home and how much you are away (especially when you have a choice); (2) Block out time periods in which you will be home more—preferably when kids are home, especially when you can be all together; (3) Just “be”—don’t always do. Our kids love it when we just “are”!

(7) CLUTTER/DISORGANIZATION
 
Abstract: clutter slows everything down; owning too many things makes way more work for everybody—more to wash, put away, clean, sort, manage, keep up, pay “rent” for, etc.; having so many things communicates to your kids the high value you place upon material possessions (i.e. always having to get the newest/best/latest, etc.)
 
Action steps: (1) Don’t just clean/organize—get rid of things; (2) Set reasonable goals for getting rid of things (a bag a week? Four boxes a month?); (3) Every time you clean, start a get rid of bag; (4) Evaluate your possessions to be sure that you love everything you have; (5) Tackle organizing with the TWO MO’s method—otherwise if just becomes a passing fad, not long-lasting; (6) When organizing something, make a definite system—storage, upkeep, etc. as opposed to just straightening up with no plan to maintain; (7) Tackle the “squeakiest wheel” of disorganization first; (8) Involve kids/husband in organizing so it will last longer (especially for their belongings

(8) TOO MANY THRILLS/DISTRACTIONS…NOT ENOUGH FOCUS ON SPIRITUAL, RELATIONAL, GROWTH, ETC.
 
Abstract: How we spend our time communicates to our children more than anything else where our values are (helping others, building up your family, being thrilled/entertained, growing spiritually, etc.); too many thrills for children dulls their sensitivity to spiritual things and decreases their desire for the “normal”
 
Action steps: (1) Look closely at a given week or month of your family life; (2) Examine how much time is spent on the things that you SAY are priorities vs. thrills/entertainment, etc.; (3) Develop habits/routines that build the non-thrills into your family’s life; (4) Take on the mentality that “everything can’t be special”; (5) Share life with each other via meals, tech-free zone times, etc. (6) Use a timer to limit thrills and entertainment; (7) Have your children earn entertainment/thrills

Posts/Podcast Episodes to Check Out:

Podcast Episode: Foundations for Becoming an Efficiency Expert in Your Home and Work

Podcast Episode: Tips for Efficiency

Blog Post: ABC Efficiency (prioritizing non daily work)

Podcast Episode: Five Tips to Be More Efficient in the Kitchen

Blog Post: Delighting in the Dailies

Blog Post: Timer + Task List = Productivity

Blog Post: Terrible Task List

The post Podcast Notes For “Overcoming Obstacles in Parenting” appeared first on Character Ink.

Download the podcast notes here.

Listen to previous podcasts here.

The post Podcast: Overcoming Obstacles in Parenting appeared first on Character Ink.