Recently when my sister, her husband, and her two young teen daughters were here visiting in Indiana from North Carolina, we took as many from our family who could come and my sister’s family to our local YMCA to play a game called “walleyball” (rhymes with volleyball). This game is similar to volleyball in its rules–with the addition of walls as it is played in a racquetball court.

Since the court is smaller than a regular court, the game is actually a little easier for those who are not as strong–but not as easy for stronger people who hit the back wall (one of the out of bounds zones) quite often. The combination of the walls, the rules, the size of the court, and the various strengths of the players that night has made me think over and over again in the days since we played about the idea of the “mulligan.”

As indicated in the opening of this post, a mulligan is “an extra stroke allowed after a poor shot”–that is NOT counted on the scorecard or against the one who has been issued the “second chance.”

This term is one that we have thrown around our family of seven children (now ages seventeen through thirty-two) for years since my husband is a master at adapting games to fit the crowd who is playing. He loves to bring two or three families together and modify a kickball game or our oldest son’s homemade handball invention in order to allow littles to play with biggies; parents to play with children; and lesser skilled participants to play with “athletes.” Thus, a “mulligan” is a familiar word–and one that has been spoken many, many times in our home over our thirty-two years of parenting as we have enjoyed playing with our children.

It wasn’t uncommon during our walleyball night to hear someone shout “mulligan” whenever a person attempted to serve but didn’t make it over the net. Then we would evaluate and determine “yes” the person gets a mulligan or “no” he does not. What has led me to think of these mulligans quite often since that evening is the criterion on which we based giving mulligans during our play.

I mean, how does someone tell a sweet, small, twelve-year-old balletic niece that she cannot have a do-over after she tried so hard to get the ball over the net?  Or how do you turn down a poor middle-aged sister (*smile*) who is still recovering from frozen shoulder surgery: “too bad–you should have hit it harder”?

So when did we give mulligans that night–and what does this have to do with parenting?

Allow me to give you our walleyball mulligan run-down:

1. My younger niece is not a “ball” type of athlete. She is a dancer, cheerleader, and gymnast. She is also fairly tiny. She was a good sport about the whole night–but walleyball probably wouldn’t be her first choice of games. Because she is small, she had trouble getting her serves over at times, so everybody agreed to give our sweet Brittany some mulligans when her serve fell short of the net.

2. My sister had just had surgery for frozen shoulder approximately ten weeks before our Y night. She was able to play okay, but definitely didn’t have the range of motion that a serve often requires. Thus, we moved her closer to the net and gave her mulligans.

3. Our youngest daughter (24) has never been a volleyball player. She always thought she was terrible at it, and she often sat on the sidelines and watched others play through the years (in spite of her being very fit, a runner, and serious ab-workout girl!). She wouldn’t ask for a mulligan when she missed, but because she has just been learning volleyball over the past few years, we sometimes offered her a mulligan as well.

Who didn’t get a mulligan?

1. I adore volleyball. I played a little in high school, and while I’m not great at it, my years of experience in playing it at picnics, etc., meant that I was not a mulligan candidate.

2. See that athlete in the picture above–serious tennies and headband? That is our son’s wife who was the captain of her high school volleyball team and took MVP at nationals. She played a year of volleyball in college–no mulligan for that expert!

3. See that young man below? He is our seventeen year old–our youngest child. And he can be hyper, funny, loud, helpful, compassionate, and crazy all at the same time. On this particular night, he (as many seventeen year old boys do) tried to serve overhanded as hard as he could in an effort to score on every serve. Thus, he often hit the ball too hard and hit the back wall or the ceiling–both out of bounds spots. No mulligan for someone who knows how to do it but is hot dogging! 😉

4. None of the men or teen boys got mulligans. They are strong, athletic, and competitive. No motivation or encouragement was needed!

So what does this have to do with parenting? More than you might think.

In the “game” of parenting, we have the opportunity every day to give more chances or to show “tough love”–to extend grace or to train through consequences. We face these situations often unprepared.

We lament over them–“I just feel like if I don’t bring his shoes to gym class and he gets an F for the day, he will blame me” or “I know we have told her dozens of times not to leave her phone lying around at the gym, but now that it is stolen, I feel sorry for her because she misses talking to her friends. And we homeschool, so her phone is a way she socializes,” etc. etc. etc.

And I am not making light of any of these scenarios. We, after all, have raised six “teens”–and have one teen that we are in the thick of raising (a last child, nonetheless!).

Grace. Training. Mercy. Responsibility. I mean, honestly, who wants to choose among those?

warming up…

But let’s break down our walleyball game a little further to see if we can get some benchmarks for giving our kids mulligans:

1. Brittany is younger. She is not as strong as the big guys. She is not as used to ball handling like her sister who plays basketball at school. Extending mulligans to Brittany, who was trying to serve the ball over the net with all her might and had a good attitude in the process, is a good decision.

And so is giving a mulligan to a child who is struggling and genuinely wants to change/alter his behavior/make things different. And you know what? Most of the time we parents know when this child deserves a mulligan. The key is going to be to not give mulligans forever to a struggling child–but to gradually reduce the mulligans as the child becomes stronger and more adept.

2. My sister was injured for pity’s sake! She was being a sport just joining in the family fun.

When a child is downhearted or overwhelmed, he often needs grace. I don’t mean in trouble because of continual bad decisions or poor character but rather truly discouraged. When mercy is extended to a child in this situation, it can make a huge difference in how he pulls himself up by his bootstraps and gets moving in the right direction.

How long does a person with a shoulder injury need to recuperate before she should just serve already? Just as my sister’s doctor told her that it varies from person to person (with hers being more extensive once they got in there and found bone spurs as well), so it is with our children.

This is where heart parenting really comes in to play. Should the mulligans come to an end and this “injured one” come back now? Are we prolonging the healing process by not letting her live with consequences?

Someone who is hurting needs a mulligan–but not forever.

3. Volleyball playing is somewhat of a new experience for Kara. Granted, she is twenty-four, but she has only been getting on the court and playing over the past couple of years. You could say that she is in volleyball training.

A child who is “in training” in a certain area needs more mulligans than the child who has already been doing that skill or task for a while. We talk about this in our parenting seminar (Raising Kids With Character)–the idea of “childishness.” Childishness (forgetfulness, irresponsibility, etc.) in a child who is still learning his morning routine or his after school chores is best handled incrementally–with mulligans in place as needed–but not so many mulligans that the immaturity and irresponsibility remain.

We gave Kara a mulligan or two–but her volleyball training is about over (evidenced by how much better she played tonight than the previous time we played), and her walleyball mulligans are about to come to an end as well.

What about those who didn’t get mulligans?

1. Strong people who have done something over and over again do not need the motivation that comes with a mulligan (usually). It was easy to tell our twenty-two year old, athletic son to roll the ball under the net if he hit the ceiling on his serve. No training was taking place; no motivation or encouragement was needed.

2. Those who were hitting the ball so hard that it hit the ceiling or the back wall did not need mulligans. They needed to learn cause and effect. Walleyball is different than volleyball–the court is shorter and the back wall and ceiling are off limits. If you continue to smack the ball with that force, you will serve it out, and the other team will get the ball.

It wasn’t that hard in our walleyball game to determine who got a mulligan and who didn’t.

And while that isn’t always the case in parenting, we can use some key benchmarks for extending grace, including age of the child, past experience, whether other consequences have already been in place but didn’t help, the attitude of the child at the time, the frequency with which something occurs, the strength of the child, and more.

Because sometimes each one of us needs a mulligan in this game called life. But we also need to learn and grow. Because each of us needs a little grace sometimes. But because the Bible tells us that we can easily take advantage of that grace. Because we don’t want to exasperate our children. But we don’t want to be the kind of parent who doesn’t help our child become responsible or kind or thoughtful. Yes, sometimes we need to give our children mulligans.

The post When Do I Give My Child a “Mulligan”? appeared first on Character Ink.

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Grace-Based Parenting

1. Good thing!
2. Allows kids four freedoms

a. Freedom to be different
b. Freedom to be vulnerable
c. Freedom to be open
d. Freedom to make mistakes

3. Giving kids grace doesn’t mean there are not
consequences or that we do not correct our kids
4. Means that our relationship is never at risk due to their behavior
5. Means our love never changes based on the freedoms we give them (above)

Problem Isn’t With Grace-Based Parenting; Problem With People’s Interpretation of It

1. Misunderstanding it—thinking it means anything goes or hands off parenting
2. Misusing it—just like we mishandle God’s grace towards us, we mishandle the grace we give our kids

Bottom Line in Grace-Based Parenting (and Raising Kids With Character!): Treat our children the same way that God treats us

Definition Mulligan: an informal golf terms that means giving an extra stroke after a poor shot that is not counted against the golfer

Walleyball-–played in racquetball court; smaller court than volleyball; walls to hit it off of and walls/ceiling to be “out”

Mulligans in Our Walleyball Game

1. Younger Niece; small; had trouble with serves
2. Sister: frozen shoulder surgery
3. Daughter: inexperienced player

No Mulligans

1. Me: High school (albeit not great!) volleyball player
2. Daughter-in-law: high school and college volleyball player
3. Son: seventeen year old hot dogging it
4. Teen/college guys and husbands

What to Do With Kids’ Behaviors

1. Grace?
2. Training?
3. Mercy?
4. Responsibility?

Mulligans in Life

1. Niece—smaller; give to child who is struggling or weak
2. Sister—injured; give to child who is injured but not forever
3. Daughter—inexperienced; give to a chld who is in training

No Mulligans in Life?

1. Strong people
2. Those who are in need of “reality training” (hot dogging it)
3. Those who are already well trained in area

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If you don’t want your kids to get muddy, don’t let them play in the mud! But if you’re like us, and think there are many more important things in life than if kids get muddy, go ahead and let them play! The key is to be proactive–decide ahead of time what you can and cannot tolerate!

One of our favorite Preventive Parenting tips is that of becoming a problem solver. As parents, we can complain that we do not like how something is going or how our children are behaving–or we can decide to solve the problem at hand. 

We have found that many things that seem insurmountable–getting kids up and around on time in the mornings without too much stress, having the evening meal on the table at a certain time, and being sure that our kids are reading a lot–are easily taken care of when we decide to solve the problem–rather than just complaining about it or wishing that things were not as they are.

Let me give you some real life scenarios that I have recommended or heard of lately to get your “thinking skills” and “problem solving strategies” working:


1. Kids up running around in the morning, getting into things, etc.,  before Mom has had a chance to get herself ready–and prepare for their rising! 

Make a “nobody up until you are told you can get up” rule. Our preschoolers were not allowed to get up whenever the pleased. 

Just like they had to go to bed at a certain time, they also were not permitted to get up at random times. We had tape players in their bedrooms with radio dramas and talking books available–and also had them put their favorite books on their headboards. They were allowed to read or listen to tapes in the mornings, but they had to wait for me to get them up before they got out of bed.



2. Kids outgrowing their naps but fighting with each other when Mom and other littles are trying to rest. 

We can come out and referee fights, yell at our kids for waking the baby, etc,. or we can make a quiet hour–a time in which only quiet activities are allowed. For us, these quiet activities were in a tub marked Quiet Hour–and were items that did not need any assistance to use.

 In the case of fighting after outgrowing naps, the two who are fighting must have Quiet Hour in separate rooms–and if Quiet Hour is violated, it’s back to naps for them.




3. Kids not ready in the morning on time, stress and fighting, etc. 

Implement morning routines–a set list of things that each child does from rising times until breakfast, or whatever the end of morning routine time holds. Figure up the amount of time needed to get those things done, subtract that from leaving or ready for school time–and make that time the Morning Routine time. (Read more about morning routines here.)





The point of this post is that so many things that cause us stress, fights, poor relationships, nagging, etc. can be handled through problem solving–proactive parenting–parenting in a way that we prevent those times, as opposed to always putting out fires because we did not prevent them to begin with.

Proactive Parenting provides a much more peaceful environment in our homes. It allows us to work on the discipline issues that are really crucial–and to ward off punishment, etc.,  for situations that can be handled ahead of time, rather than in the heat of the moment. 

As an added bonus, Proactive Parenting teaches our kids how to solve problems, come up with options, get a handle on things before they become too big, etc.,  as they watch us model these skills for them.

The post Be Proactive! Be a Problem Solver! (Partial Reprint) appeared first on Character Ink.

The post Discipline: Punishment/Chastisement VS Consequences/Reality Discipline appeared first on Character Ink.