Donna Reish, of Character Ink publishing company and “Raising Kids With Character” parenting seminar answers a question from a mom about back talking and disagreeing tweens and elementary children. Donna teaches the difference between parenting in black and white and parenting in the gray–and explains how to implement the No Response Rule.

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I have a question about reading to my young kids! I have a 4, 2, and 1 year old. The 1 year old hardly sits still to be read to, but my question is specifically about the 2 year old. He is always asking me to stop reading as he has questions about everything on the page, or wants to ‘count’ something, or he is flipping back through pages wanting to talk about what we just talked about. Again. What do I do? Let him be in charge of how we go through the book and what we talk about – possibly never finishing the book? Or ask him to wait until the end of each set of pages and then not let him turn them back? OR tell him to be quiet the whole time?! Any feedback and suggestions are welcomed

Story Time Questions

I treated story time much like I treated unit studies (or “subject reading” as Joshua used to call it when he was five!). Here are some basics for that first:

(1) Story time is a privilege that is earned…not something you automatically get to do (as were unit studies). Thus, there was a readiness that was needed in order to join story time: the ability to lie in the bed with everybody without moving too much, getting up, etc. (We used to do a two hour story time in bed followed by a two hour nap…even me! For real! Amazing, huh? Ray worked twelve or thirteen hours a day, and I seldom went anywhere…plenty of time to get everything done, read for hours, AND take a nap! LOL) This pretty much eliminated anybody under two joining our regular story time. If these guidelines were not met, the child just went to bed for his nap (with books in his bed and one side of a story tape), and he could try again later in a few days (not a bunch of back and forth and in and out)….this takes me to my next “basic.”

(2) We always taught to the oldest. Everything we did at first was based on our oldest two kids—the others could always join, but we emphasized our older kids for sure. This is often opposite of what families with untrained littles do. They often do not see how they can focus on the olders when they continue to let one, two, and three year olds be too high need. Just my two cents… 😉

(3) In light of always teaching to the oldest, we wanted unit studies and story time to be the most effective that they could be for the older kids. If we allowed a two year old (or one year old) to monopolize that time, this simply wasn’t happening.

(4) That is not to say that we did not do things with the littles or that we didn’t consider their needs. But we didn’t let their “wants” keep us from meeting our older kids’ needs (educationally, spiritual training, fun times, etc.).

Specifically Story Time

(1) Children who were not old enough (i.e. not “ready”) to join story time every day had their own story time. Those older kids that we spent so much time with and on cleaned the kitchen after lunch each day while I rocked, read to, and did rhymes and stories with the toddler. (This was actually the beginning of weaning for us—replacing the noon nursing with the toddler’s own story time!) This allowed the toddler to learn to enjoy reading without interrupting the olders’ story time. It also signaled a change in schedule, slowing down, etc. And it provided routine so that the toddler knew what was next. (After his story time, he got “dropped off at the bus stop” (carrying the bus stop approach to unit studies into the story time example)—his crib for his looonnng (three to four hour!) nap. (How else was I going to do a two hour story time and two hour nap for myself!?) Note: This was ten minutes long tops.

(2) Children who were old enough gathered their books. Whoever’s day it was did the following: (a) get the book basket with our ongoing books (Family Bible Library or whatever ongoing Bible study that we didn’t already do for unit studies—I did two a day besides devoes; chapter book; poetry or hymn books; longer picture books (especially our Answers in Genesis picture books, which were longer), nature book/magazines, sometimes biographies, but these were usually done in the mornings, etc.); (b) got two books from the bookcase or library basket; and came to my room with those things. Everybody else got their one book choice. The person whose day it was got to sit closest—and his books were the first and last read. (Who says you can’t make things special when you have so many kids or do things more “individualized”????)

(3) We always kept book markers (or “picks” as my kids called them) in our ongoing books and just picked up where we had left off the day before. Eventually, we got through tons of chapter books, nature books, etc., using this method.

(4) If a child was able to come to story time but necessarily for the whole two hours, we used the “bus stop approach” that you have heard me talk about with our unit studies. In that way, we would do all of the picture books first (shorter books with pictures like the Five in a Row books, children’s classics, whatever they picked. Then, just like in unit studies, the two or three year old would be dropped off at the bus station (i.e. beds for naps). More often than not, they would just fall asleep before we got to the harder books. If we did story time on the sofa, I would send them to bed for their naps when they were getting too fidgety or tired. (And they could have one side of a story tape once they got there.) Note: For unit studies, I did the same thing—started with easy materials then moved to harder ones. At a certain point, the littles could be dropped off at the bus station—but instead of going to bed for naps, they could stay in the room and play quietly on the floor, which they almost always chose to do. (At some point in unit studies, the littles would often have room time that we had set up ahead of time.)

(5) Then once the littles were asleep or in bed, we would move onto the ongoing books and chapter books. I tried not to make it a repeat of unit studies, but my kids often picked the creation books, nature books, etc. I did try to save the more fun books for story time, generally speaking.

So what does this mean in answer to your questions specifically?

(1) If your two year old isn’t ready even for the easy part of story time, I would do the short story time alone with the two year old and one year old.

(2) If the two year old is ready, but the only problem is the questions, I would consider any of the following ideas:
a. Let him choose the first book and tell him this is his “question book.” For this book only, we can stop a lot, answer questions, etc. (Oh…those interactive books that the two year olds had to do everything to…..brutal!) This is his story, and you can use it as a quality teaching time for him.
b. For the rest of the books that he stays for, tell him he can have one “excuse me.” This is one time that he can have you flip back, answer a question, etc.
c. Let him take the books that he has the most questions or that you know he wants to know more about to bed with him—and tell him after his nap he can bring the book to you for more questions.
d. If he can’t do the one “excuse me,” just let him be interactive on the first book only until he can handle it. (Always match privilege with responsibility in all aspects of parenting.)

(3) While you are trying to find what is comfortable for your family, always keep in mind the olders. Don’t let story time turn into something they dread or something that they do not benefit from by letting littles (even though they are amazing and sweet) monopolize it.

Hope this helps! I have to end with a cute story time story. When Joshua (our oldest) was around ten, he decided that he was too old for story time. (They never outgrew unit studies but eventually did story time.) So on the day he decided to not come to story time, I was lying in bed with four other littles reading away when I heard a noise in the hallway. He was sitting on the floor in the hallway listening. I told him he could join us, but he said he was just resting. Next thing I knew, he was sitting in the doorway. Then on the floor beside the bed. The, of course, across the foot of the bed! The next day he joined us for quite some time thereafter! 🙂

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Today I would like to leave you some tips for Independent Work Lists–especially for older students (junior high through high school). These will be in no true order–just some things that I want to re-emphasize from the younger ages as well as things that pertain only to olders.

So here we go:

1. Consider the document or chart that works best for your age child now. Most kids in junior high and high school no longer want cutsie charts. Once you decide you want a genuine paper document, then you have to decide how you want it filled in:

a. As he goes, he lists what he does each day, sort of a daily school journal.

b. You write in a planner each week for him for the following week (page number, number of pages, lesso number, etc.).

c. You have a standard daily Independent Work List that you create in your scheduling program or Excel—that you can customize when something changes, etc. You print this off, put it on a clip board, and have him highlight or mark off as he does things each day.

2. Consider if you are going to make his Independent Work List for him completely or if you will have his input. We liked to choose our high schoolers’ materials, schedules, lists, etc., with them, so that they have some input in the process–and to help model for them/teach them how to organize, prioritize, etc.

3. Still use some of the elements from the earlier suggestions (for younger kids) that are universal, such as:

a. School is your child’s occupation. It is what he should be about during the day.

b. Put the daily tasks in sections according to time of day or importance–and also in order according to when they should be done.

c. Do your part to be sure that charts are updated, printed, and ready. I know from personal experience that if we are laxed in this–they become laxed real quick!

d. Have a system that works for you every day. Have his list on a clip board that he carries with him/keeps in his school area. Have him highlight as he does things. Have him leave it on your desk when he is done, etc.

e. Develop a “no exceptions” approach to daily independent work. A student doesn’t go to basketball, girls group, youth group, etc., until his daily independent work list is done.

4. Have blanks on the chart to add in any work from outside classes, music lessons, Bible quizzing, etc.

5. Put things that are not dailies where ever they go. This was always a little bit difficult for me. Do twice weeklies go on Tuesday and Thursday (but Thursday is our lesson and errand day…). Do three times weeklies always go M-W-F, even though Wednesday is our “cottage class day” and extras do not get done on that day. This might take a while to get in the groove, but it is worth it to tweak things and make it work.

6. For junior high kids, consider that you might need smaller chunks (maybe two math sessions at 30 minutes a day, etc.). Again, you know your student and  your family situation, so do whatever works best for you.

7. Consider if you want this Independent Work List to be his total chart/list for all aspects of his day at older ages:

a. Do you want to put his devotions, music practice, and outside work on there too?

b. Do you want it to contain meetings/tutoring sessions with you?

c. Do you want it to also be his chore list?

There are some definite advantages to a junior high or high schooler having his day right in front of him in one spread sheet. However, this can also get overwhelming to some kids.

Feel free to ask questions here on FB about the Independent Work Lists–I will try to answer them. I can’t imagine not having homeschooled without our three daily task lists: (1) Morning routines; (2) Chore charts; (3) Independent Work Lists!

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Earlier I described how we as homeschooling mothers need to be problem solvers.

One of the problems that we hear about over and over again when we are out speaking is that of students not completing everything that you want them to in any given day. AND keeping kids on task.

Our solution: Independent Work Lists!

Here are some tips for creating Independent Work Lists for elementary children:

1. Either make it on a chart that the child uses wipe and write markers and mount it somewhere–or make it in Excel (or your favorite record keeping program) and place it on a thin clip boards.

Trust me: loose papers never make it back to mom at the end of the day. (Spoken from true experiences–plural–you would think I would have learned this the first time or two! 😉 )

2. Put things in the order of importance on the chart–in the order that you want them done.

3. And/or put things in sections.

I used to have mine in order and sections–the first so many items needed done before the child met with Mom or before the child had a morning snack or before lunch chores, or whatever. Never underestimate the value of teaching children time management, prioritizing, etc. via these daily checklists.

4. Explain to your child that this is his daily accountability list. He is to get these things done each day. (Hint: We taught our children from their earliest recollection of school that school is their occupation. It was what they were supposed to be about every day. No questions asked. No exceptions (unless we parents wanted an exception for sickness or family trips, etc.–in other words, the child doesn’t choose to do school or not do school–ever).

5. For things that you are uncertain of/change-ables, put time or generic wording, such as “30 minutes of uninterrupted CQLA work” or “All CQLA assignments from previous meeting with Mom,” etc.

6. Be sure to include drill work, silent reading, etc.–all the extras that you want him to do each day.

(I even put the things that they would often do as I read aloud on this list in the section marked “During Read-Aloud”–such as coloring in educational coloring book, penmanship page, building something with Legos, etc.)

7. Be sure there is a time in which it is turned in each day.

This is kind of another subject, but it fits here as well: A child should not go to basketball practice, Girl Scouts, youth group, or any other activity if he doesn’t do his school. Period. We have so many parents come up to us at conventions and say, “I just can’t get my fifteen year old to finish his school each day, and he keeps getting further and further behind.” Then we ask, “Does he go to sports practice in the afternoon? Does he go to youth group that night?’ etc. etc. None of those things should ever happen if he doesn’t do his school. School is non-optional.

If your child’s independent list is on a clip board, he can simply put the clip board on your desk at the end of the day–all checked off and ready for the next day.

8. The Independent Work Checklist is, in part, to help keep the child moving as you are working with other kids, walking your college kids through a difficulty on the phone, or helping Grandma with something. In other words, you want to teach your student to get up and start on the list right away–and to go back to the list any time he is not meeting with you or doing chores, etc. (I even put things like “Read to Jonathan for 15 minutes” and “30 minutes of morning devotional book and journaling” on the list–everything the child does (outside of chores) was listed on this chart.

I just can’t stress enough the benefits of the Independent Work Lists–for Mom and for the student. It takes away gray areas of parenting (something crucial that we teach in our parenting seminars). It helps the child become an independent learner. It teaches many character qualities–perseverance, prioritizing, resourcefulness, responsibility, diligence, timeliness, and much more. Yeah, I am pretty crazy about my thirty years of Independent Work Lists! 😉

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