day 198: thirty days of romance

by | Jul 22, 2010


“I’m in love, I’m in love…and I don’t care who knows it.” Elf

Ray and I had our now-annual “thirty days of romance” during June/July. It was…well, romantic!
A few years ago, we celebrated being together for thirty years–thirty years since our first date, and we’ve been together ever since! Anyway, we celebrated those thirty years by having what we called “thirty days of romance.” That is, for those thirty days we focused more on each other than other things. We thought of each other more, made each other feel important, did special things for each other, spent more time alone, and just generally tried to focus more on romance than “stuff”–those things that we always have to do. It was such a success that we decided to make it an annual event.

We have had a few “30 Days of Romance” in the past few years, and we have loved them! In recent years, we have been getting too busy with my writing and editing, Ray’s work, our publishing company, our family speaking ministry, and all seven of our children and their needs. It just seemed like the long talks, special candy bars, frequent rendezvous (!), etc. were slipping away from us.

Some ideas we have used (and/or hope to use in the future)—some are just simple things that we forget to do in our daily busy-ness. (Feel free to share—we should start a Romantic Revolution!!! )

1. Make favorite meals —We had spaghetti at least twice–Ray’s favorite!; Ray will grab the kids and make me homemade French fries or have one of the boys make brownies, etc. sometimes

2. Out for dinner in Fort Wayne–since we started dancing, we seldom go to movies and/or dinner because it takes so much to get away to dance—and we do not feel like we can justify another evening away from the kids—during 30 Days of Romance, we take exception to that, even if it means dinner and movie on Tuesday AND dancing on Saturday!

3. Romantic comedies/movies—we have two ballroom dance movies we like to watch. Ray loves romantic movies; I prefer action/legal thrillers/drama, and I’m the one who usually rents movies, so I try to get more movies he likes during this month.

4. Just talking—for example, one night we went to the dance early and left it late to just not rush so much. We always barely come into a dance (and one of us is often on the phone to one of the older kids when we first arrive) or have to leave early, etc. etc it seems. Just wanted to slow down, dance some, talk some, and just not rush for a little bit! Talking without our older kids needing us is a luxury, so we just tried to focus more on that this month.

5. More phone calls and emails—and more little signs, words, and phrases that nobody but us knows what they mean in our phone calls and emails (though the kids try to figure them out!! )

6. More yielding—just taking our own advice (when we counsel people) to be the one who stops an argument or disagreement, to be the one who doesn’t have to be right, to be the one who brings peace in a situation that could become less than peaceful. We teach yielding in our book, curricula, blog, seminar, and workshops, but it is so hard to do in life everyday—just to remind ourselves that the other person’s feelings and that relationship is worth yielding for.

7. Song finding—this is a new thing we want to do—find songs that we like on the internet and have Jonathan buy them and put them on a cd for us—and decide which dances we would do with each one, etc.

8. Look up dancing together online—on rare occasions, we will sit down and look up a certain dance online and try to figure out how they do certain moves, or watch for styling or theory, etc. Listen to/watch “lessons” online. During “30 Days,” we want to do this more.

9. Play games—before our kids got so old and needed us so much in the evenings (including our grown children on the phone, etc.), we used to play Scrabble, Guess Who, Blokus, Backgammon, and Cribbage in our room and watch a fun movie, eat snacks, and just enjoy each other and relax. Now it seems like we are always with one of the kids for something (i.e. Ray is at the table with Josiah and his algebra right now; I’m getting ready to call back one of our daughters to talk, etc. etc.)—or if we play games, it is with the kids (which is fun too, but not alone time). We seldom stop early enough in the evening to have our fun game time anymore. During this month, we will “make dates” to do that.

10. Go out for dessert—when the kids were all younger (but the oldest was twelve), a couple of times a month, we would put them all to bed at eight o’clock and go out for dessert. We try to do this some during our 30 Days.

11. Dance lessons—We have put private lessons on hold for the past three years due to the expenses with getting our publishing company off the ground; a wedding; two kids in college; etc. etc etc. We want to try to take at least two private lessons during this month.

12. Little surprises—When we didn’t have so many needs to meet, we just thought of little things more—you know, picking up my favorite editing pen at Walmart when Ray is getting groceries or grabbing his favorite pop at the gas station—just the little things that let the other person know he is being thought of. One “30 Days” Ray had a dozen roses (of different colors–beautiful!) delivered in increments of three–during my “CQLA Cottage Class” day. Thus, every couple of hours, the florist would come with three more roses–my students thought it was a hoot–but I just loved it!

13. Not work at night so much—Because of homeschooling during the day (and teaching fifty kids in Ossian and Fort Wayne writing each week), I often work at night while Ray oversees kids’ homework, teaches some of their classes, does driver’s training with whomever happens to be learning to drive at that time, works on meal clean up with the kids, etc etc. I often have trouble stopping my work. (I really love to work…especially writing and editing!) When it is payroll time, student billing time, etc. etc. Ray often works after he is done with the kids in the evening too. Anyway, during 30 Days, we designate certain nights for me to stop working at a certain time (i.e. 9:00 instead of 11:00), etc.

14. Planning and dreaming together—We always used to plan and dream together—now it seems like life happens so fast that we hardly have time to plan ahead or dream about what might be. We take more time for that during this month.

15. Get away—Since this “30 Days” fell over our anniversary, we had a get away during it. If we can get away and go to a dance (especially at the beautiful “Roof Ballroom” in Indianapolis) and stay overnight a day or two, it makes our “30 Days” even more romantic.

16. “Twalks”—before we started Training for Triumph and I started writing so much, we used to take a “twalk” many days after work. This was a time in which the two of us just took off on a walk to talk. We are trying to incorporate more of these—without cell phones on us!

I recommend “Thirty Days of Romance” to all married couples—whether you’ve been married ten years or forty. It just puts the focus back on each other in marriage—and that focus is so easy to lose with the demands of parenting, work, ministry, and more.

day sixty: look at the “inner” relationship to find the problem with current one

by | Mar 1, 2010

“He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?” (Micah 6:8).

Many years ago Ray’s mentor gave him a bull’s eye with relationships listed in the rings. The inner most ring was God, then wife/parents, then children, then extended family, then church, then world. It was this hierarchy:

God


Wife (or parents if not married)


Children (or siblings if not grown)


Extended family


Church


World

Obviously, the last three encompass many, many people—and they have hierarchical relationships within them as well. But in a nutshell, the advice was this: When you have problems with a relationship, look at the relationship directly inside (on the bull’s eye—up one on our list above) to see what the problems are there first. Oftentimes, solving the inner problem will also solve, or at least help solve, the outer one.

For example, if my children are showing disrespect to me, I can look at how I am respecting or not respecting Ray, the inner circle on the bull’s eye that is previous to “children.” If I cannot get along with somebody at work (world), I can probably see that same problem, or a similar one, with the church, or fellow believers, in my life.

For us, this advice was a sign to always look at solving problems closer to us to help our outer relationships. It provided a tool that forced us to think about all of our relationships and their affect on any problem ones.

So many times we have used this bull’s eye hierarchy, examined our relationship with each other, then were able to peacefully resolve the problem with the child or children in question.

Obviously, it is not always the case. And certainly looking at a bull’s eye is not a sure way to solve problems. But if one of our children is stubborn towards us, “the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree.” Sometimes straightening our kids up is just a matter of straightening ourselves up.

day forty-six: work on your marriage relationship to strengthen your relationships with your children

by | Feb 15, 2010

“The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother, and the most important thing a mother can do for her children is to love their father.” Anonymous

Four sweet children pressed their noses against the window pane—fourteen year old Kara, twelve year old Jonathan, nine year old Josiah, and six year old Jakie. They giggled, tapped on the window, and smiled from ear to ear. What were they looking at that made them so giddy and joyful? The were watching their mommy and daddy dance in the drive way.

Five years ago I got a life-changing Christmas present from my husband: ballroom dance lessons. The first year was rough; we couldn’t afford to take private lessons, which is what really helps you grow as a couple in dancing. (Group lessons are fine, but if you only take classes, the steps come much more slowly.) We “trudged” through dancing because the lessons (the gift) were expensive—and I felt that I should love this, even though I didn’t at first. Little did we know the effect these ballroom dance lessons would eventually have on our marrige and on our children.

The kids were overjoyed from the beginning. We still had six children at home at the time, ages six through nineteen. Our son and daughter-in-law also lived near. They were all so supportive of our new hobby. They told us that all we ever do is work and parent—and they were happy that we got to do something “fun.” They would often watch us in the drive-way muddling through our new steps for the week. They would have dinner on the table and ready for the family when we got home from lessons. If things were especially hectic in a given week, they would often volunteer to do extra jobs, take the younger kids to their things, etc. in order for us to get to go to our lessons.

Fast forward five years later. Ray and I have just moved up to Silver I. We have been taking mostly group lessons (though we take private lessons occasionally as anniversary or Christmas gifts) and have moved through Beginners, Social Ease, Bronze I, Bronze II, Bronze III, and Bronze IV. We no longer muddle or trudge through. It is a bright spot in our week—and we do not just practice in our driveway anymore. We can often be found in the ballroom at five o’clock in the afternoon, practicing and enjoying being together before the hecticness of the evening with a busy family begins. We usually “go dancing” socially on a Friday or a Saturday night (whenever we do not have something with the kids or grown kids). We often receive the highest compliment that we could ever ask for from our fellow dancers: “You two look like you love dancing and love each other so much.”

We have always had a pretty strong marriage. We have worked hard at it, doing most of the things that our early mentors, marriage seminars, books, etc. have taught us. We had lots of ups and downs, just like any other married couple, but we never let the downs get us down or keep us down. We knew that a strong relationship between us was foundational to our relationships with our kids.

However, with seven children, homeschooling, full time job, building a business and ministry, writing extensively, tutoring, managing a home, and child rearing, romance easily got lost in the shuffle. We have had to purposely work on keeping those home fires burning.

Even more important than romance, though, has been the daily ins and outs—the daily yielding of rights to each other. The moment by moment decision of saying, thinking, and acting as though the other person is more important than I am.

Dancing, however, has helped us with both: the true love of giving up what you want for someone else and the romantic aspects of our relationship. The romantic parts are obvious: what is more romantic than floating around the dance floor in the arms of the person you love as Josh Grobin sings “When you say you love me, the world goes still, so still inside; and when you say you love me, for a moment, there’s no one else alive …” Honestly, it is the most incredible and romantic thing that Ray and I have probably ever done for each other.

Surprisingly, though, ballroom dancing has affected the “practical aspects” of our marriage as well. There is so much yielding that must take place in every single ballroom dance in order to master the steps. The act of working together, moving in just the way needed to take each other around the floor. The process of ballroom dancing is so similar to the processes of a successful Christian marriage, in fact, that Ray and I are writing a book comparing dancing to marriage. Dancing on the dance floor is like a little teeny glimpse of dancing through life together as husband and wife, father and mother.

Of course, a strong marriage needs both aspects—the romantic and the practical, daily yielding of rights. They both result in a deeper love for the other person. And love is the key; after all, “the best thing you can do for your children is to love your spouse.”

Pin It on Pinterest