by Donna | Jan 24, 2011
“It isn’t, of course, the magic of kissing for fifteen seconds or hugging for thirty seconds that makes this a good daily habit. It is the fact that a fifteen second kiss is more than a peck, and a thirty second hug is more than a passing squeeze. The “time minimums” force us to stick around a little bit, stop what we’re doing, and be close to the one we love.”
This is a new “rule” for us (as of the 2008 original article)! Don’t blush…you know that you function better in all areas when you have kissed and hugged enough! My brother-in-law, a much cooler, younger person than Ray or I, came home (along with my sister and their kids) this summer to visit following a marriage retreat. When anything got stressful for my sister, he would say (as only Uncle Leonard can), “Come here, honey. You know we didn’t have our kissing and hugging yet. That’s probably what’s wrong.” What a sweet husband!
Leonard was just stressing something that all of us married parents need to emphasize: romance can help alleviate stress, including kissing and hugging! Our kids thought our elevator kissing was unbearable already, without enduring it for a full fifteen seconds! But you know what? They secretly like it. 🙂
It isn’t, of course, the magic of kissing for fifteen seconds or hugging for thirty seconds that makes this a good daily habit. It is the fact that a fifteen second kiss is more than a peck, and a thirty second hug is more than a passing squeeze. The “time minimums” force us to stick around a little bit, stop what we’re doing, and be close to the one we love. Maybe there won’t always be time for romance, hearts, flowers, and rainbows, but our marriage is the most important (and longest!) relationship we have on this earth. We need to protect it, nurture it, and shower it with kisses and hugs.
So….there you have it. Eleven daily habits* that make a huge difference in my home and school. I did want to add that “daily habits,” for us, has always meant “more often than not.” We do not beat ourselves up trying to achieve perfection. We have found through the years that if we can do those important things four days a week at least (more often than not), we will succeed over the long haul. Of course, hugging and kissing has to be 365 days a year to make me truly successful in life. Smile…
Note: To start at the beginning of the “Eleven Daily Habits for ’11,” click on the link that follows: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2011/01/eleven-daily-habits-for-11.html
***Parts of this article were written in 2008 under the title “Eight Daily Habits for ’08” and published in Training for Triumph’s homeschooling newsletter (as opposed to the “Eleven Daily Habits of ‘11” in this blog).
by Donna | Sep 14, 2010
“All too often we are giving young people cut flowers when we should be teaching them to grow their own plants.” John W. Gardner
Yesterday I described what I would consider the ideal scenario for setting children up for a successful evening in terms of homework, free time, family time, etc. With after school activities, etc., children often do not come straight home from school on the bus. With working parents, children often do not come home to a mom or dad waiting with a snack, either. I am not so naïve as to believe that the “perfect” scenario always happens.
My sister and brother-in-law are such excellent examples of two working parents being sure that their kids do what they need to do in the evenings—in spite of two parents working full time and after school activities. Can you guess why they are successful in this from the title of today’s blog post?
Tami and Leonard are successful with their two girls’ homework management (and evening schedule) for one very good reason: they do not see evening parenting (and evening housekeeping) as Mom’s responsibility only. While we have chosen to have less money than two income families (by my not working during my kids’ early years) and more time than more activity-driven families (by limiting our kids’ activities to one choice activity per semester), Tami and Leonard make their busy circumstances work for their family. Putting aside whatever you might believe about women working full time or not, we can surely all agree that if a woman does work full time, just like her husband, she is no more responsible for the house getting cleaned or dinner being on the table than he is.
Ray and I have always felt that if a husband and wife chose to have both of them work outside jobs, they also chose to give up a homemaker. There is nobody there cooking and cleaning—and it all must be done when Mr. and Mrs. are home from work—and by both of them. (And even when a woman is a homemaker, the husband and wife are still co-parents. Homemaking duties should never include parenting by oneself (if two parents are in the home).)
Now I know that this wife-working-husband-carrying-household-duties-too concept is often not the case. Statistics prove this at consistent rates. (See “A Housekeeper Is Cheaper Than a Divorce” https://www.amazon.com/Housekeeper-Cheaper-Than-Divorce-Afford/dp/0967963605 and “Who Says It’s a Woman’s Job to Clean?” https://www.amazon.com/Who-Says-Its-Womans-Clean/dp/0898792150/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_7 ) We cannot figure out how Christian men could even begin to expect their wives to work full time and do all the housework and parenting. Somehow that does not seem like the “love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it” mandate to us.
But I digress into a sermonette here, so I will get back to the topic at hand: evening schedules for Mom and Dad. Tami and Leonard’s evening schedule for homework is a good one for busy two-career homes. Leonard cooks dinner while Tami sits down with the girls and does homework. (It could also work the other way, but Tami is a teacher and Leonard likes to cook, so this arrangement works well for them.) In the thirty to sixty minutes that Tami is working with the girls (elementary school age), Leonard has the meal ready, and they eat. Then, when the girls were younger, one cleaned the kitchen and the other did baths. I mean, they are both going to work a full day tomorrow, so sharing in the evening tasks just makes sense.
Regardless of whether all of your kids are in activities after school or not, there HAS to be a connecting point. Make it right after school, right before dinner, right after dinner, at eight p.m., or whatever. But do make it. And make sure it includes Dad—because Mom and Dad’s attitudes and emphasis on learning (and working) sets the stage for the kids attitudes and enjoyment of learning (and working).
by Donna | Sep 9, 2010
I am grateful every day for a husband with the same goals, similar motivation, identical work ethic, consistent parenting methods, and deep faith. I know this isn’t always the case—and it obviously isn’t impossible to keep motivated in this parenting endeavor as a single parent. There are people everywhere doing it. And I believe that God gives the grace for each situation when it is needed; thus, I can’t imagine doing what single parents do, but then I’m not in that scenario either.
If you are a married Christian parent with a spouse who also wants to do the hard work of Christian parenting, regardless of the difficulties you face, you are very blessed indeed. There are a couple of specific areas in marriage that have helped us to keep motivated:
1. Be one in your marriage, as well as in your parenting. Ray and I are seldom unmotivated or discouraged at the same time. Thank the Lord! We need each other desperately in order to keep the momentum to finish this parenting race with our last three “little boys”! We will discuss Christian marriage more thoroughly this fall and especially next year in honor of our thirtieth wedding anniversary. In the area of motivation, though, just knowing that someone is there with you, embracing the same goals and methodology, is a huge motivator. Talk about every aspect of parenting all the time. When one is down, the other can motivate and encourage. And vice versa.
2. Do not view the husband as the breadwinner and the wife as the child raiser. We are both parents—and we are in this thing together. One of the major downfalls of so much teaching on husband and wife roles in the conservative church, to us, has been the whole idea that the husband is the “head” and the “breadwinner” and the wife is the “subordinate” and the “child raiser.” Yes, the Bible does teach that a man is to be the head of the home—but why? He is to be the head of the home to serve and love his family as Christ loved the church—not to be the boss. With the emphasis on the head and breadwinning aspects of marriage, the husband is often thought of us above parenting—or too busy making a living to parent. If a wife is a homemaker, her job is homemaking. However, parenting is not part of the job description of the homemaker. Parenting is part of the job description of the parents, plural. I am so grateful that we were taught about the servant-leadership required of the husband to truly “love as Christ loved the church.” Ray has always considered us co-parents, and, yes, even co-homeschoolers. Teaching, training, talking, disciplining…these are both the husband’s and wife’s responsibilities when they have children—and should not be relegated to the wife alone. It is difficult for a mother to stay motivated in her parenting endeavor if she feels that she is doing it alone. Husbands, if you want to help your wife stay motivated in her parenting, co-parent with her.
More motivating tips tomorrow. I wish I could just reach into every reader’s heart and give you each a huge dose of motivation—along with perseverance, long-term visualization, hope, joy, love, patience, wisdom—all the things I have felt so needy for in my parenting. God bless you all.
by Donna | Sep 9, 2010
I am grateful every day for a husband with the same goals, similar motivation, identical work ethic, consistent parenting methods, and deep faith. I know this isn’t always the case—and it obviously isn’t impossible to keep motivated in this parenting endeavor as a single parent. There are people everywhere doing it. And I believe that God gives the grace for each situation when it is needed; thus, I can’t imagine doing what single parents do, but then I’m not in that scenario either.
If you are a married Christian parent with a spouse who also wants to do the hard work of Christian parenting, regardless of the difficulties you face, you are very blessed indeed. There are a couple of specific areas in marriage that have helped us to keep motivated:
1. Be one in your marriage, as well as in your parenting. Ray and I are seldom unmotivated or discouraged at the same time. Thank the Lord! We need each other desperately in order to keep the momentum to finish this parenting race with our last three “little boys”! We will discuss Christian marriage more thoroughly this fall and especially next year in honor of our thirtieth wedding anniversary. In the area of motivation, though, just knowing that someone is there with you, embracing the same goals and methodology, is a huge motivator. Talk about every aspect of parenting all the time. When one is down, the other can motivate and encourage. And vice versa.
2. Do not view the husband as the breadwinner and the wife as the child raiser. We are both parents—and we are in this thing together. One of the major downfalls of so much teaching on husband and wife roles in the conservative church, to us, has been the whole idea that the husband is the “head” and the “breadwinner” and the wife is the “subordinate” and the “child raiser.” Yes, the Bible does teach that a man is to be the head of the home—but why? He is to be the head of the home to serve and love his family as Christ loved the church—not to be the boss. With the emphasis on the head and breadwinning aspects of marriage, the husband is often thought of us above parenting—or too busy making a living to parent. If a wife is a homemaker, her job is homemaking. However, parenting is not part of the job description of the homemaker. Parenting is part of the job description of the parents, plural. I am so grateful that we were taught about the servant-leadership required of the husband to truly “love as Christ loved the church.” Ray has always considered us co-parents, and, yes, even co-homeschoolers. Teaching, training, talking, disciplining…these are both the husband’s and wife’s responsibilities when they have children—and should not be relegated to the wife alone. It is difficult for a mother to stay motivated in her parenting endeavor if she feels that she is doing it alone. Husbands, if you want to help your wife stay motivated in her parenting, co-parent with her.
More motivating tips tomorrow. I wish I could just reach into every reader’s heart and give you each a huge dose of motivation—along with perseverance, long-term visualization, hope, joy, love, patience—all the things I have felt so needy for in my parenting. God bless you all.
by Donna | Aug 19, 2010
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| Ray and I Christmas 2009 |
