Discerning Between the 4D’s of Behavior and Childishness

Donna — Tue, 07 Jul 2015 14:30:42 +0000

One way that we like to help parents determine whether a child’s behavior is of a serious nature or whether it is simply childishness that needs training, rewards, more training, follow-through, and consequences to solve it is by using the benchmark of the 4D’s.

If you have been to our Raising Kids With Character parenting seminar, you have probably heard us describe the importance of determining which behavior a child is having. This is because the behaviors that we call the 4D’s are heart-oriented and more life-affecting than those that are simply childishness such as irresponsibility, laziness, or messiness.

That is, we take the four D’s behavior more seriously and attack it with more intentionality than we would childish behavior that we can train and teach from area

It will help you to be able to discern between the two types of behaviors if you recognize and memorize the 4D’s:

D-1: disobedience

This is willful behavior that is the opposite of what the child is told or is ignoring what the child is told. This is not to be confused with forgetfulness in early chore training or not understanding something he is told or not following through on “routine commands.” (He might need a morning routine chart or a “room, groom, dress, mess pie” to follow through on new skills and routines.) Willful disobedience means that the child knows and understands the instruction or the command but simply chooses not to follow it.

D-2: disrespect

Is also a willful behavior in which a child (or anybody) chooses to not show proper respect to an authority figure. Disrespect in a child usually begins in the home with disrespecting the parents. The reason this D is so important is not only because of the biblical admonition to respect parents but also because the other behaviors, that are the other 3-D’s will often not follow if this D is disregarded. Additionally, this D has a huge impact on the child’s success as an adult. The continuation of this D usually surfaces in school situations, with grandparents, leaders of clubs and organizations, etc.

D-3: deceit

Involves active lying, but also includes many other behaviors that stem from lying. Parents are often concerned about lying and stealing, but often overlook other “lesser” behaviors that are just as serious, such as not telling the whole truth, sneaking, and saying “I was just joking” to cover up you should not have said.

D-4: destruction

Destruction is an easy one to be confused with childishness. As a D, it does not include breaking things on accident, spilling things, dropping things, etc. Those things are childishness and we should teach toward those things or should I say away from those things smile… In this case, destruction is willfulness. It is breaking things or harming things on purpose. This is a heart behavior and should be carefully examined to be sure it is so before the child’s behavior is determined to be destruction.

I’m working on a podcast episode right now about what to do with the kindergarten student – that is, what should our focus be behavior wise as well as watching for readiness and when a child is ready to begin formal instruction. The four D’s are important to note in starting school. This is because they are so crucial to a child’s life-long submission and obedience to authority, honesty, and meanness, and they are heart behaviors that we should not overlook in an effort to move on academics.

To learn more about the four Ds of behavior versus character training and how to handle both types of behaviors well, check out our parenting seminar, Raising Kids With Character.

The post Discerning Between the 4D’s of Behavior and Childishness appeared first on Character Ink.

Discipline: Punishment/Chastisement VS Consequences/Reality Discipline

Donna — Mon, 05 Aug 2013 18:27:00 +0000

It has been important to us in our child training that we understand (or at least try to understand!) the difference between foolishness (willfulness) and childishness (underdeveloped character). The differences between these two types of behaviors in children are crucial in disciplining properly. This is truly one of the biggest mistakes that we see parents make. For example:

(1) A child who spilled his milk at the table is disciplined in the same manner as he was earlier in the day when he struck his brother

(2) A child who forgot to shut the door and the dog got in the house is disciplined in the same manner as he was when he talked back to his mother

(3) A child who didn’t thoroughly clean his room is disciplined in the same manner as he was earlier when he lied to his dad about using one of this tools

In our child training, Ray and I have tried to determine whether a behavior was rebellion against us (as in outright disobedience or disrespect) or childishness (as in forgetfulness, procrastination, sloppiness, etc.):

1. Foolishness

   a. Rebellion

   b. Disobedience

   c. Disrespect

d. Lying

2. Childishness

   a. Undeveloped or underdeveloped character

   b. Forgetfulness, procrastination, irresponsibility, etc.

   c. May turn into “foolishness” if left unattended

We do this because disobedience requires biblical discipline whereas childishness requires the second aspect of child training we have used: reality discipline (or consequences).

I like what an attendee at a recent seminar told us that she heard about this topic: Punishment is only for the Four D’s:

1. Disobedience (i.e. not forgetfulness or overlooking routine at first)

2. Disrespect (i.e. direct disrespect to parents or those in authority–not disagreeing with you respectfully or having their own thoughts!)

3. Deceit (lying, stealing, telling half truths, etc.)

4. Destruction (purposely hurting things or people)

                            Which Behavior Is This?

Discerning between disobedience and childishness can be so difficult! Even after nearly thirty-one years of parenting, Ray and I still continuously ask each other which behavior a child is displaying.

Difficult or not, we must do it. The Bible says that we are not to exasperate our children. Two sure ways to exasperate them are to punish incorrectly, as in anger, etc., and to punish something as disobedience, when we should be training through consequences.

All parents are faced with this. A child dawdles when we call him to come get ready for bed, and we wonder whether this is just childishness or if it is real disobedience. When our son leaves the dog out of the kennel for the third night in a row, and the pooch potties on the new carpet, we ask ourselves if our little guy is disobeying or forgetting.

In a nutshell , if a child is disobedient, disrespectful, or rebellious, we have a heart issue—and a serious discipline problem that needs handled in a serious manner—and quickly. That is, the Four D’s need punishment/chastisement, not consequences or reality discipline.

If a child is forgetful, slow, unreliable, etc. (especially a younger child), it is usually childishness—and we can “train” that undeveloped or underdeveloped childishness out of a child through consequences and reality discipline.

Besides disciplining these two types of behaviors correctly, we also need to watch our response to these behaviors. Simply put, not putting the hose back in the garage after the child watered the garden should not be met with the same response by the parent as lying about putting the hose back in the garage!

It is like responding to a child’s red streak in her hair in the same way as we do if that child uses God’s name in vain. There is simply no comparison. And the same should be true in our response to childishness vs one of the Four D’s.

For more information on this, please check out Discipline at our blog–or host a Raising Kids With Character seminar in your church or parenting group or homeschooling group. (Our RKWC seminar is a Christian parenting seminar for all Christian parents as opposed to our homeschooling workshops that we do for homeschool groups. All parents, homeschooling or not, can benefit from Raising Kids With Character!)