Three A’s…..Three Simple Words. But they make all the difference in the world to parenting in general, and fathering specifically.

This late Father’s Day message that my husband and I wrote many years ago is not to discourage single moms—but to help Dads who are in the home to realize the important task they have before them in parenting.

The statistics of children without fathers playing active roles in their lives are gloom ones. According to “The Father Connection,” by Josh McDowell:

1. …the absence of a father is a stronger factor than poverty in contributing to juvenile delinquency…according the National Institute of Mental Health’s analysis of US census figures.

2. ..crime rates are highest among adults who as children had been raised solely by women…according to a group of Yale behavior scientists’ study of delinquency in forty-eight cultures around the world.

3. …the father’s presence and conversation (especially at dinnertime) stimulate a child to perform better in school according to Dr. Martin Deutsch in an article for “Time” magazine.

4. …the lack of a close relationship with their fathers has been linked to anorexia nervosa eating disorder in a study of teenage girls suffering from it.

5. “young, white teenage girls living in fatherless families were 60 percent more likely to have premarital intercourse than those living in two-parent homes..” according to Johns Hopkins University researchers.

6. ..a child’s (1) low motivation for achievement; (2) inability to defer immediate gratification for later rewards; (3) low self esteem; and (4) susceptibility to group influence and to juvenile delinquency.. have all been found to be significantly contributed to by an absent father, according to Dr. Armand Nicoli’s research for a White House paper.

If you are a Christian mom raising children alone, you will need (and will receive) extra grace to do what you are doing, for sure. However, if you are a Christian father reading this and simply not doing what you need to do to raise your children in a godly home, I pray that you will turn that around, seek out help and accountability, and be what your children need in a father.

There are three A’s that I have found in raising seven children ages 10 through 34 over the past three decades—three A’s that can lead to being an A+ dad for your children. (Pardon the “schoolish” expression; I’m not kidding when I say that everything becomes school around the Reishes!)

1. Availability

So many of the statistics above point to this factor. Dads, we just need to be available. We need to say no to the good in order to do the best. We need to look at our children’s at home years for what they are—eighteen years or so in which other things must be put on the back burner (if needed) in order to be available for our kids. Here are some ways that I have found to make myself more available for my wife and kids:

a. For little ones—large amounts of time are not needed here—just short snatches and a lot of them—a few minutes after work; stories and kisses at bedtime; start traditions with your children that cause them to realize that you are available for them.

b. Middlers—you be the driver whenever possible and talk, talk, talk. Let them know that you are driving them to their event because the few minutes that you would have in the car with them is worth more to you than something else. (If you started talking when they were “little ones,” talking with you will become second nature to them.)

c. Olders—shooting hoops in the driveway most nights when my son was sixteen to eighteen gave us an opportunity to talk that might otherwise have not been found; make time for these older kids. When my older kids were little, I had a few minutes with each one before bed that we called our “Malachi time”—based on Malachi 4:6 in which the hearts of the father are turned to the children and vice versa. Establishing “Malachi time” twenty years ago has given me relationships with my young adult daughters that I quite possibly would not have had if I hadn’t sought them out when they were toddlers—and continued to be available to them throughout their growing up years.
(Check out our Keep Kids Close coupons to plan times to be together and to make yourself available to your kids!)

2. Awareness

We fathers need to be much more aware of what is going on in our children’s lives than we do. My wife can read our children like a book. She will often say, “We need to talk to ____ about how he is feeling about ___. I can tell something is a little bit off there and I think he is hurting.” How does she know these things? I have purposed to become a student of my children, so to speak. To be aware of their feelings, their friends, their interests, their influences, their needs, their spiritual condition, and much more. Awareness begins with questions. Asking questions about those areas in which you need to be more aware can lead to many insights that you might otherwise miss. (Also, ask your wife—she’ll know for sure!)
(Check out our freebie, Kids’ Faves, to be aware of what your kids love!)

3. Activity

Our kids make choices everyday to hang with peers, go to certain events, etc. or spend time with their families. Oftentimes, we have not made ourselves available, so our kids pick friends and outsiders by default. However, we have found that if we want our kids to want to be with us and want to stay home more (thus, affording us more opportunities to influence them in godly ways), we need to provide activities for them that are fun, healthy, family-oriented, and more. In the past ten years, when our older children and middlers were teens, we have purposely spent more money on “activity” with them than we did on other things that many of our peers enjoy. We might not have the nicest vehicles in the neighborhood, and we have a small, extremely modest home; however, our kids know that being with us is the “happening” place. That we will “do” things with them—go to movies, play basketball, swim, attend plays, visit museums, go out for dinner, take walks, and more. As we partake of activities with our children, we have more and more opportunities to see into their hearts and influence it for good.

Obviously, there are many more factors that bring about the A+ father—but some of those do not start with A! However, if we would get up tomorrow and purpose to apply these three A’s to our fatherhood, I think we would all reap a harvest of closeness, opportunities for spiritual training, mentoring, and more.

Which “A” do you need to focus on? How can you make this happen in your home? Let us know how we can help you be an A+ dad!

Love and hope,

Donna and Ray!

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I love being a mother! I have loved every stage of it–from being pregnant to having a son turn thirty-three this year! My husband and I have been working a lot on the slides and handouts for our parenting seminar (“Raising Kids With Character”) and for homeschooling conventions, so all of this prep has led me to this blog post. 

We mothers need all of the help and support that we can get in order to do our jobs. When I look at my mothering, I realize that the greatest support and help that I have had throughout the years has come from my husband. I don’t say this lightly or as a cliche’. I truly mean this.

Here are six ways that my husband has helped me to be a better mother, ways in which he has invested in my life and the life of our family that have resulted in my having the time, confidence, strength, inspiration, and vision to do what I do every day.


1. Giving great value to what I do

When I had five kids ten and under, the days were long and hard. I remember feeling like a failure many evenings when Ray walked through the door. At that time, he would take me by the hand, lead me to couch, and ask me questions that gave worth to my day: “Did you read the Bible to the kids today? Did you rock the baby? Did you do story time? Did you meet the kids’ needs? Did you spend time with the kids?”

When I answered yes to these things, he would say, “Then you did exactly what you were supposed to do today. The other things don’t matter.”

Suddenly, the dishes in the sink and the unfinished lesson plans seemed insignificant. He had truly brought worth to my day, to my efforts, to my life.

This is one small example of how my husband, year after year, has given great value and worth to what I do. How he has always made my job as a mother, a homeschooler, and even a homemaker feel important and worthy. And this has made me a better mother.

2. Seeing needs and meeting them

My husband’s primary love language is serving. I have always felt especially blessed to be married to someone who has “servant” as his native tongue. As a servant, he has never been able to just see things around the house or with the kids that need done and leave them. He believes, and has taught our children to believe, that if you “see a need, you should meet it.”

In practical terms, this means that dishes, trash, laundry, picking up, cooking, bathing, putting kids to bed, tutoring kids at night, etc., were always jobs that Ray picked up the slack on. 

I can remember when company would be at our house on Sunday night, and as they left, we always started scurrying around to clean the house, etc. One night a guest suggested that since it was Sunday, we could just leave the work for Monday. Ray quickly answered that “the ox is in the ditch.”

 After the company left, Ray explained to the kids: “The ox in the ditch means that it is okay to work on Sunday if the ox is in the ditch, and you need to pull it out. When the house is a mess on Sunday night, and we leave it like that for Mommy on Monday morning, we are leaving the ox in the ditch.”

By seeing needs and meeting them, besides teaching our children a spiritual truth, Ray has also helped me have time for important heart training, homeschooling, and outreaches that I would not have had time for. And this has made me a better mother.

3. Helping me not to over-schedule

This one has been met with limited success (but not for lack of Ray trying!). I can remember fifteen years ago when I had six kids in school and more work than I felt I could humanly handle, Ray sat down with me with little sticky notes and a large piece of tag board. Before “Managers of Their Home” and other scheduling programs were even popular, Ray was laying out my day on sticky notes in thirty minute increments!

He tried then, and continues to try, to tame my overzealous tendencies. He laid blank sticky notes throughout the day in strategic locations–telling me that I HAD to put in thirty minutes of flex time here and there. I always tried to put too much into each day and was often frustrated that things didn’t go as well in any given day as I had hoped it would, based on my tight schedule with little flex time.

There are countless other times in which Ray has tried to help me not to over-schedule. When I listened to him, my schedule went more smoothly. Bless his heart, he is still trying to reign me in schedule-wise. 🙂 And this has made me a better mother.



4. Focusing more on relationship than role


So many husbands, in trying to lead their family according to their interpretation of Scripture, spend a great deal of time focusing on everybody’s “roles.” This often results in a hierarchy-emphasis that does not lead to the husband as the servant leader, but only as the leader.

Ray is confident in his role as head of our family. He doesn’t need to remind his family of it. He doesn’t need to focus his attention on his headship. He doesn’t need to flex his leadership muscle.

Instead, he has always focused on relationship–his relationship with me, his relationship with his children. He focuses on meeting our needs rather than on guarding his position. And guess what? His attention on relationship and meeting our needs continues to cause us to respect his role.

An attention to relationships has resulted in greater heart-reaching and heart training of our children than I could have ever imagined–both by Ray and by me. And this has made me a better mother.




5. Loving me as Christ loved the church


Ray has always taken the analogy of “loving his wife as Christ loved the church” seriously. As he sees it, when a husband loves his wife as Christ loved the church, he will give everything for her. He will not seek for his own gain or his own needs. He will instead love selflessly.

In practical terms, this means that he gives me his time and attention. It means date nights, one-on-one time, long discussions, and lots of ballroom dancing. Obviously, we haven’t always been able to have evenings out, and we certainly didn’t ballroom dance while we had a houseful of little kids, but he has always sought to love his wife selflessly. And this has made me a better mother.

6. Being available

One of Ray’s favorite “parenting stories” that he shares in our seminar is that of Absalom, who, the Bible tells us, “stole the hearts of the people of Israel.” Scripture doesn’t say that he did anything fantastic to win the people. It only says that every day he stood by the gate and heard the people’s complaints and needs. 

In Ray’s words, “Absalom was available.” We both believe that if we want to win our children’s hearts; if we want to be their primary influencers; if we want to be the ones they come to when they are facing difficulties, we must make ourselves available to them, much like Absalom did to the people of Israel.

Even when Ray worked sixty hours a week in the automotive industry (fifteen years ago, before he took a “normal” job to be available more to our family), he still “waited at the gate” every day–making himself available to me and the kids. And this has made me a better mother.


Six key things that have had significant impacts on my parenting. For me, these things, day in and day out and year in and year out, have truly helped me to be a better mother. And I am grateful for each and every one of them. So grateful.

The post Six Ways My Husband Makes Me a Better Mother appeared first on Character Ink.

Listen to Ray’s podcast here!

I. Introduction

a. Welcome

b. Our story: How we discovered Husband-Wife Meetings and their impact

c. The power of weekly and/or monthly changes in a home

II. Meeting the Needs of Your Wife and Children in General

a. Head/leader/servant leader—Janitor

b. “Dwell with your wife according to knowledge” I Peter 3:7

c. Up to you to lead/initiate changes and improvement in your family; your wife is your helpmate

d. Security in wife and children comes from their knowing that you are close to God and you want the best for your family.

e. Wife and children feeling loved comes from their knowing that their husband/father is willing to sacrifice his time, hobbies, interests, work pursuits, etc. for them

III. Three Ways to Make Your Wife Feel Secure

A. Husband-Wife Meetings—call whatever you want “change meeting” or “improvement meeting” or “need-meeting session”!

i. Meet weekly to talk through things in general and to check on the change you are working on

ii. Be sure that a change has concrete steps to make it happen

a. Not more devotional time as a family but meal time reading together four times a week

b. Not improve Johnny’s reading but “read aloud sessions” with Johnny twice a day four days a week—once with Mom and once with Dad plus daily phonics lessons/review with mom

c. Not help Sally have better attitude but attitude check up meetings before bed; one hour alone with Mom and one hour alone with Dad each week; develop and follow through on a non-confrontational signal we will use to remind her that her tone and response are not acceptable; talk about what is frustrating her and how we can help her accept things she is discontent with or help her make changes in the areas that are in her control

B. Daily Connect Times—“couch time” or “twalk” or “travel phone time”

a. Lets children know that Mom comes first

b. Lets wife know that when you get home (or on the way home to use drive time efficiently), she will have your undivided attention for a little bit

c. Lets family know that you care about what went on that day and that you truly want to be a part of their day

d. Helps you know the needs better for the evening

C. Dates—whenever possible

a. Be creative if have small children (pizza or pie date after kids are in bed; our old ping pong dates after bedtime; coffee or dessert when kids are asleep; whatever you can afford is better than nothing)

b. Set aside time and money for this and initiate setting the dates up (don’t wait for her to beg you for a date)

c. If you are not good at setting up dates, let her do it but ask her specifically to do it (don’t make her beg you for a date!)—for example, “I was hoping we could go on two dates this month. Is it possible for you to line them up on any of our available times/days—you get the sitter and the time, and I’ll pay!” 🙂

d. If the first two connection times are in place, the date will be much more enjoyable for both of you (not as many problems to solve!)

e. Try to do a date a week—even if half or more of them are at home…just the act of setting aside the time is huge to a wife

Print this post here!

Listen to Ray’s podcast here!

The post Podcast Handout For: “Three Connecting Times to Make Your Wife Feel Secure” appeared first on Character Ink.

Click here to download the printable handout.

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The post Podcast For Fathers: Three Connecting Times to Make Your Wife Feel Secure (And Bring About Changes in Your Home in the Process!) appeared first on Character Ink.

One of my husband’s favorite stories to tell/points to make in our “Reaching the Heart of Your Teen” seminar/workshop is also the most fitting way to describe his parenting style. The story comes from the book of II Samuel and the point is found within the story of Absalom standing by the gate of the city:

“And Absalom rose up early, and stood beside the way of the gate: and it was so, that when any man that had a controversy came to the king for judgment, then Absalom called unto him, and said, Of what city art thou? And he said, Thy servant is of one of the tribes of Israel.

And Absalom said unto him, See, thy matters are good and right; but there is no man deputed of the king to hear thee.

Absalom said moreover, Oh that I were made judge in the land, that every man which hath any suit or cause might come unto me, and I would do him justice!

And it was so, that when any man came nigh to him to do him obeisance, he put forth his hand, and took him, and kissed him.

And on this manner did Absalom to all Israel that came to the king for judgment: so Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel.”

In case you missed how that passage is related to parenting in general and parenting teens specifically (it’s easy to miss), let me point out two specific parts of the story that are relevant to our message to fathers today:

1. “…stood beside the way of the gate: and it was so, that when any man that had a controversy came to the king for judgment, then Absalom called unto him…” (vs 2)

2. …” so Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel.” (vs 6)

As Ray likes to tell it, Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel because he was AVAILABLE. He stood at the gate and answered their questions. He was waiting for them to come through. He took the time. According to Ray, “Whoever is available to your children is the one who will win their hearts.”

Ray has spent his entire parenting life standing by any gate in which he thought could win his children. Standing, playing, reading, talking, singing, encouraging, laughing, wrestling, teaching, training….by the gates in which he knew our children would pass. Giving his children what every child dreams of—a dad who is available.

In honor of my husband, and hopefully as an encouragement to many others today, I would like to demonstrate in pictures how a man can be the Absalom in his children’s lives–and continually be available to them. Please bear with the pictures–Ray has been living like this for thirty years, so some of the photos are not the best, blog-winning quality; however, they are all heart-winning quality.

The Teaching Gate: Day or Night, Summer or Winter–Ray can always be found teaching his children  something–from the Bible, to math, to football, to life principles.

The Surprise Gate: Our children will never forget the night that the electricity went out in the dead of winter, and we lit candles and all hovered in Mom and Dad’s room listening to audio story cassettes, reading, eating snacks, and playing games by candlelight. They will especially not forget the fact that Dad went out of the room at some point early in the evening and discovered that the electricity was back on, but he came right back into the bedroom and acted as though the electricity was still out for several more hours! Nobody even knew that the power had really been on for a long time because Dad used this night for fun and surprise.

The “Building” Gate: Through the years, especially the first ten to twelve years of each of our children’s lives, Ray has played more Legos, bricks, blocks, and cubes with our kids than almost any other single activity (with the exception of any kind of ball!). I think he spent the majority of his winter evenings on the floor for the first fifteen years of our parenting!

The “Come to My Gate” Gate: If Ray was busy, he would simply ask  the child to come to his gate! Whenever he has been involved in anything (setting up for a debate, working outside, cleaning the house, filling book orders in our center, etc.) that he could include the kids in, he simply had them join him in what he was doing–always teaching along the way.

The Museum or other Family Day Gate:  While we do not have  a large or expensive home, new vehicles, and elaborate (or store bough!)  furnishings, Ray has always believed in investing in shared experiences. Zoos, museums, shows, and movies have been the highlights of our family times.

The “Some Assembly Required” Gate: Puzzles, elaborate toys, and extensive games  have never scared Ray away (unlike his wife, who really dislikes those things!). He would always just sit down right in the midst of several small children and dig in–for literally hours. The children seldom felt like Dad had to hurry because he had his own things to do.

The Swimming Gate: All of our children have fond memories of swimming in motels with Ray when we traveled with him on business. One of the things that always struck me was how Ray was just about always the only dad in the water playing with his children—and how all other children always wanted to join Ray and the kids in playing. The kids always shared Ray with up to a dozen kids in any given motel pool.

The Baby and Toddler Gate: Ray always had a lapful of kids when he was at home. He never  watched television (we didn’t have one), played electronic games, or even had hobbies. He knew time with our small children was limited, and he always used his time for me and the kids–day in and day out, never tiring of it.

The “Whatever My Kids Are Into” Gate: Whenever our kids got involved in something (speech and debate, leading a ministry, drama, basketball, Upwards, etc.), Ray always jumped in to teach, help, lead, assist, etc. He always said, “I want to be where my kids are and know what is going on with them”–so activities took place in our home or we were involved in what the kids were involved in.

The Basketball Gate:  With four sons, Ray spent a ton of time in the driveway playing basketball. As Joshua put it, “I learned angles and statistics in the driveway with Dad.” While Ray has spent countless hours on the basketball court and in the yard playing football and kickball, there was a period of nearly a year in which every night at 9:00, he and Joshua (our oldest) met at the basketball goal for some b-ball time, which always turned in to talk time. It was just a period in Joshua’s life that he really needed Ray (nearly daily!)–and so the Basketball Gate was where Ray stood every night!

The “Lesson On A Napkin” Gate: Ray has been notorious for teaching the kids whatever they asked about on the spot–and often on a paper napkin, back of a church program, bank deposit ticket, etc. This usually followed a question that one of the kids asked–but however it came about, the kids were always eager learners as they seemed to know intuitively that all of the time that their dad gave to them was unique and special.

The “Daddy Time” Gate: Through the years, time with Daddy has had many titles—Malachi time,  Bible Talk, Daddy Talk, devotions, read alouds, family worship, etc. Bedtime is one of the most important times with our children–and Ray wanted to be sure that he was standing at the kids’ respective gates waiting to hear their hearts every night.

The Gate of the Nursery: Ray changed  twelve years worth of cloth diapers; always got up in the middle of the night and brought the babies in to me; and most importantly, as soon as the babies were old enough, began reading Bible stories to them constantly.

The Fun Gate: Ray has always been a fun dad–the kind of dad to surprise the kids, making them think that we are driving north home to Indiana following a business trip to Tennessee, but really driving south to surprise the kids with Disney World. Vacation fun, daily fun, and games…..Ray has always stood by the fun gate.

I wish I had time to gather more pictures, scan in a bunch more old ones, and tell about the hundreds of other gates that Ray has, and continues to stand by–such as the math one he is sitting at with our college son right now for the past four hours. Or the football in the yard gate. Or the driver’s training gate. Or the midnight gate with teens and young adults. Or the relationship gates with our sons. Or the “I’m always here” gate for our young adult daughters.  Even without the photographs, I have those pictures in my mind forever. The important gates that he knew our children would be going by–and that he stood by waiting for them to pass, waiting to win their hearts by being available.

What gates will you stand by, fathers? Dads have many gates to go through, walk by, stand near, and enter in their lives. Men can go through the gate of success in the workplace, walk around the gates of hobbies and fun for themselves, and sit by the relaxation gate. We all want to do those things—it’s human nature.

Or Dads can realize that time with our children is short. That whoever is available to our kids, especially our teens, will win their hearts and have the chance to influence them the most. That no gate of success or ease is worth standing by over standing by the gates that our children walk by.

The post Dads: What “Gate” Are You Standing By? appeared first on Character Ink.

Our son and daughter-in-law whom this post is based on are coming up to their first anniversary of marriage. And we were so thankful that we helped guide them through their dating and engagement years. Thought we would re-run this one as it is almost always pertinent to someone! 🙂

Our first “guinea pig”! Our first born child, Joshua (31), with his wife of ten years. They put up with our novice parenting skills during their courtship and engagements–but I am so thrilled with the loving, romantic, deferential, and fun marriage that they have!

Yes, you read that title right! Our twenty-one year old engaged son (soon to be married–in four months!) NEEDS his parents.

(As a side note, ever since we have had sixteen, eighteen, and twenty year olds, we have believed that sixteen to twenty is actually the highest need time for our kids in terms of parental guidance and input….but that is another post for another day.)

There are key things that we can do to help Jonathan be a great boyfriend, awesome fiance–and soon, fantastic husband!

BFFs for two years; a couple for two more; engaged for six months–the sweet, happy couple

Jonathan and Maelynn have been engaged for six months, a couple for two and a half years, and best friends for two years prior to that. Jonathan is our third child to get married, so we have quite a bit of experience in the boyfriend/fiance department (as well as a mishap or two along the way–there is no perfect way to help our kids find their way in the romantic relationship/marriage department!).

We have been extremely active in Jonathan and Maelynn’s relationship from the beginning (as we have been for all three marrieds and another daughter in a serious relationship now). But not just Mom and Dad–the siblings kept their phones handy on the night that Jonathan was to propose–and texts, pictures, well-wishes, and love you’s were flying across cell phone lines throughout the night.

So here are five ways we can help our sons be good boyfriends/fiances–with this list making the assumption that said son is old enough to get married or consider getting married and the girl he is in a relationship with will likely become his wife in due time. (When to start relationships, lengths of relationships, serial dating, etc., are all topics for another post, again, on another day.)

One of the perks of being in a great relationship with your kids–getting to help them plan the fun things of life–here Ray is helping the kids plan and reserve their honeymoon!

1. Start with YOUR relationship with your son

In other words, don’t let him get himself into just any relationship. As Jonathan and Maelynn’s friendship grew, so did our time with Jonathan. There was a lot to do emotionally and spiritually, after all!

We were there from the beginning—helping him decide how to pursue the relationship, coaching him on how to talk with her dad, encouraging him to tell her his heart, and guiding him in the path that appeared to be unfolding before him.

By starting the relationship with our sons, we can help them during the initial stages–help them avoid heartache, see things that they cannot see, etc. Obviously, this “starting the relationship with him” takes a lot of pre-relationship heart work. We had to have such a strong relationship with Jonathan (and Joshua, age thirty-one, ten years ago) that he WANTED us to be a part of what was going on–that he sought out our counsel, encouragement, wise words, vision, etc. (See TEENS posts at Raising Kids With Character!)

Family days can provide lots of time to talk, see how the relationship is progressing, have fun, and help our son learn how to be the best boyfriend ever!

2. Be available for both of them

When Jonathan and Maelynn became a couple (and had both parents’ blessings to pursue each other), one of the first things that we did was take them to dinner and tell them flat out that we were available. I believe my husband’s words were something like “We are super excited about your relationship and really pray that it works out wonderfully. We want you to know that we are always available for you. That we will be here to cheer you, to support you, to encourage you, to help you. That we are always here.”

Then we followed up–texts to both of them help us keep a pulse on the relationship. Time with just the four of us when they are home from college gives us further glimpses into the hearts of these amazing young people. Long phone calls about wedding plans (okay, and yes, spread sheets that I make in Excel to help them stay on track with wedding preps!) continue to let them know that these parents aren’t going anywhere any time soon.

3. Check on the girl’s heart through your son

Boys are not naturally sensitive, intuitive beings (okay, I’ll say it–men are not naturally this way either). Jonathan has unusual kindness, sensitivity, intuitiveness, and compassion–but even he overlooks things in their relationship at times.

We constantly check with Jonathan on Maelynn’s heart: “How do you think Maelynn feels about that?” “Did Maelynn say that is what she wants too?” “Is Maelynn still struggling with this or that? If so, how are you helping her?” “How have you deferred to Maelynn lately?” “Are you putting her first after the Lord–and does she know it?”

Without Jonathan even realizing it, we are helping him learn to be the type of husband that Maelynn will want in the future. We are actually “parenting”–but without curfews, punishments, or constant lessons. These “heart checks” continually give Jonathan the tools he needs to grow as a fiance’.

With these “Maelynn heart checks” also come encouragement and affirmation for Jonathan when he is being a great fiance. During a recent phone conversation I had with Jonathan, he said that he had asked Maelynn specifically what she wanted to do on the four year anniversary of her mother’s death–and then he told me that they had taken the afternoon off from school and walked on Lake Michigan (near their campus), talked about her mom and anything Maelynn wanted to talk about, then read together from “Five Love Languages” (not sure where he ever got such a notion!! ; 0 ). That evening they watched a movie and relaxed. He had discovered what his girl needed on this difficult day and set out to make it happen.

I gushed, “Oh Jonathan. You are such an amazing fiance. You seek out Maelynn’s needs and then try to meet them. That was so special. I am so proud of you for your sensitivity and care for her.” See—teaching, training, encouraging, and affirming–all because of availability and asking the right questions.

4. Check on the couple’s physical relationship often

My husband is the type of father who loves to ask questions. He feels that the kids can learn more through their answers to our questions than they would if we just gave them the answer or told them how we wanted things.

The same is true in the area of romance. When our kids begin a relationship, he asks them what their physical plans are, point blank. “Do you see yourselves holding hands or hugging?” “How about arms around each other or leaning on each other while watching a movie?” “Do you plan to kiss during the courtship period, engagement period, or not at all (before marriage) on the lips?”

Then he listens. Then he gives them input. (“You guys have a long three years ahead of you in this relationship. I agree that kissing should be reserved for the engagement period.”) He can confirm, add to, give advice, etc., because he asked them first. And then, guess what? They ask him what he thinks! (Sneaky, huh???)

Ray asks them how they are going to stay true to their commitments in this area first (again). We help them design safeguards for their physical relationship–no kissing in the car, no being alone at one of your homes, etc.

Once the parameters have been set in the physical relationship (by the couple, with our input), we can help them stay true to their physical commitments. Ray has asked our sons who have been in relationships exactly how things are going on a regular basis.

We are helping our son be a good boyfriend (then fiance–and eventually husband) when we walk through appropriate physical contact with them from the beginning–and check on them often. Our future daughter-in-law deserves a husband who keeps his word and loves her enough to honor their pre-marital intimacy decisions.

5. Encourage your son to have fun and make things special

We want all of our married kids to be hopeless romantics like us!

Ray and I are hopeless romantics! We ballroom dance nearly every weekend because with each song “there is a three minute period in which nobody needs anything and the only people in the world are the two of us.” (Told you we were hopeless!)

And we encourage our kids in relationships to be romantic, spontaneous, fun, and surprise-filled. When Jonathan and Maelynn first started dating two and a half years ago, Ray told them to make a list of all the fun things they wanted to do together during their summer school break (after work, of course!). He told them to check it every week and be sure to do something fun each week.

Long mornings at an old, dusty book shop, long walks in the park, singing together, movies, and concerts are some of the fun things Jonathan and Maelynn enjoy doing together.

Before they got engaged six months ago, the entire family called Jonathan one-by-one to offer advice on the perfect engagement night. It was loads of fun–and encouraged Jonathan to not just get engaged but to really GET ENGAGED! 😉

A couple of days before the big night, when Jonathan was heading out to go back to college, my husband slid him a fifty dollar bill and told him to “go ahead and take her to The Melting Pot. You want this night to be as special as it can be.” Yes, I had to go two weeks without a dinner date with my husband–but it was worth it to us to help Jonathan afford a super special engagement night. Encourage romance in your son–this really makes a girlfriend/fiance happy!

We even tell the boys that it is Scriptural to have fun and “cheer” your wife: “When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business; but he shall be free at home one years, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken” (Deuteronomy 24:5). I know, I know…taking a verse out of context, but doesn’t that verse say something about how God views a marriage relationship and the husband’s role to make the wife happy????

Occasionally, we just ask Jonathan, “Other than studying together for twelve hours on Saturday, what special thing did you do with Maelynn this weekend?” It can be as simple as walking downtown Chicago, playing in the game room at the college, or renting a movie for the two of them–but we don’t want him to skip special things even in the midst of busy-ness (and two very serious, studious college kids!).

Additionally, we like to have fun with the sweet couple. It isn’t uncommon at all for Jonathan to get a text from me giving him a potential schedule for when he is coming home to see if he and Maelynn can join us for pizza night, game night, park day, or a movie out. Being in these settings with the two of them helps us see how their relationship is going and what we can recommend to Jonathan to be a better boyfriend/fiance.

Fun family times with the couple also give us chances to listen to Maelynn when she talks and point out little things that Jonathan might miss. (It isn’t uncommon at all to hear my husband talking to one of the marrieds or dating kids on the phone and say, “I heard ____ say this the other night. What do you think he/she is feeling?” OR “When ____ said this, I didn’t feel like you were really listening.”) In addition to potentially helping a current situation, we are also helping to train our son or daughter’s ears for really listening to the other person.

Trust me, you WANT your son to be a good boyfriend/fiance to the woman he is going to marry because it lays the groundwork for his marriage relationship. This is the perfect opportunity for us to help our son hone the relationship skills (empathy, kindness, generosity, compassion, selflessness, love, deference, etc.) that he has been learning at home for the past eighteen or twenty years. Our training years are not over just because our son is in a serious relationship. He still needs us–and his girlfriend/fiance will be overjoyed that we helped him become a better boyfriend/fiance!

Pre-marital time with his girlfriend/fiance is the perfect opportunity for him to hone those relationship skills and character qualities that he has been learning at home since he was little.

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