That is the first verse of a song I wrote that we sang together as a family during family worship and in the van driving (especially on trips). It was our empathy song—the song that reminded us to try to put ourselves in others’ shoes and understand how they are feeling.

There are dozens of ways to teach empathy—from saving and giving funds to help others, to volunteering to help the needy, to watching movies and reading books, and much more.

This valuable character trait can also be taught through talking (and singing!).

If you read much of what we have written, you will quickly learn that we feel that one of the most valuable parenting tools that we have at our disposal is that of discussion. This is especially true when it comes to empathy training. We have always discussed people’s hurts with our children (at appropriate ages), and even charged them with the duty of making this world a better place through their Christian love and charity.

One of the things that we never allowed our children to do was to make fun of the weak or the disabled. Calling somebody “retarded” or “crippled,” or some such other name was strictly forbidden. However, we didn’t just not let them speak ill of or make fun of those people, we taught them to show love and compassion to them.

From their earliest years, when we saw somebody who was needy, we would explain to the children that we do not know what that person goes through. That we cannot understand that person’s pain and suffering. And that we should lift those people up, not tear them down.

Talking to our kids about how others feel—those who are needy, their siblings, friends, grandparents, etc—is a great way to teach this quality…and another important time to talk.

Yes, “How do you think that makes that person feel?” is the beginning of empathy training. Teaching our children to see people’s needs with true compassion is the continuation of that empathy training. (And as an aside, we began “How do you think that makes that person feel?” with their siblings. We always told the kids that if they can learn how to get along with/be kind to their siblings, they can work with anybody in this world!)

We are not programmed to be selfless. We are not programmed to automatically think about others. We are born with a sin nature–a selfish nature. As parents, we have to make a conscious effort to get our children’s thoughts off of themselves—and onto those around them. We can do this quickly, constantly, and easily through discussion.

Many years ago, when the older children were ten through fourteen, we took a trip to Chicago. We spent a long weekend visiting museums, swimming at our motel, and, of course, talking. We had many opportunities to see those with needs and discuss these situations. Before we left that weekend, we had written a song (amateur poet, here) that described what we saw and felt that we still sing today—and that reminds us to look around us and see the hurting people—and try to find ways to help them.

“I Prayed for You Today”

I prayed for you today, though I didn’t know your name,
I saw a hurting look, so I had to stop and pray.
I prayed for you today, when I saw you on the street,
Playing on your trumpet, for everyone you meet.

(Chorus) I know it doesn’t seem like much, just a simple little prayer.
But I want you to realize there is a God who cares.
I know it doesn’t seem like much, I wish I could do more.
But the very best thing that I can do is take you to the Lord.

I prayed for you today, when I saw you with your cane,
Your yesterdays have flown right by, and now you’re old and lame.
I prayed for you today, when I saw you on your porch,
You looked so sad and lonely, so broken and forlorn.

(Chorus) I know it doesn’t seem like much, just a simple little prayer.
But I want you to realize there is a God who cares.
I know it doesn’t seem like much, I wish I could do more.
But the very best thing that I can do is take you to the Lord.

I prayed for you today, when I saw you with your friends,
Trying to be popular, trying to fit in.
I prayed for you today, when I saw you at the zoo,
Being a daddy all alone is difficult to do.

(Chorus) I know it doesn’t seem like much, just a simple little prayer.
But I want you to realize there is a God who cares.
I know it doesn’t seem like much, I wish I could do more.
But the very best thing that I can do is take you to the Lord.

Empathy doesn’t just happen. Yes, we can say that one child is more tenderhearted than another. We can see leanings towards empathy—as well as leanings towards selfishness—in our children. But empathy is something that we can teach our children—a learned behavior, if you will—that we can instill in them beginning at very young ages, in our homes. And a trait that can be taught through talking.

Related links:

[article] Four Things Teens and Young Adults Need

[podcast] Ways to Spend More Time With Your Kids

[podcast] Ten Tips for Staying Close

[podcast] Using Audios With Children

The post 52 Weeks of Talking to Our Kids: When You Want to Teach Empathy appeared first on Character Ink.

How many times have we heard “It isn’t my fault”?

Or “He did it first”?

Or “I only did that because he did this to me…”?

While some of that will always be a part of raising more than one child in a home, as parents our focus should be on getting the whole “never my fault” mentality out of our children by the time they are grown. And replace it with responsibility for actions, empathy towards those they might hurt, and humility in admitting guilt.

Yesterday I discussed the lack of humility and true apology in the co-hosts of The View when they attempted to undo the damage that was done by essentially making fun of nurses by belittling the beauty pageant’s nursing talent. (Read that here.)

Tomorrow I am going to give you our 3 Steps to Teach Your Kids How to Apologize.

Today I want to give you two strategies that we used to help our children learn humility and empathy (two important qualities and pre-requisites to the genuine apology).

My husband was big on both of these and used them extensively in heart-training our kids, especially as they reached the preteen and teen years. However, he was also big on something else—teaching during non-conflict times.

So I want to preface these two tips with this instruction: Whenever possible, try to teach your kids important relationship skills during non-conflict times.

That is, do not wait until there is a fight in progress to try to begin asking them “what the other person might be feeling.” (If you’ve used this strategy during non-conflict times, you can definitely use it in mid-fight, but teach it when there isn’t a conflict!)

We tried to make these two strategies a way of life. That is, we used them to discuss other people’s problems (their friends with their parents or two other friends or a sibling pair of friends, etc.). We applied them to situations all the time—movies, friends, news headlines, etc. (That is one reason that our twenty year old knew immediately that the ladies in The View were not genuinely apologizing when he saw the clip on Facebook.)

So…the strategies and how to carry them out:

(1) Empathy strategy: How do you think that makes him/her feel?

We used this ALL THE TIME from the time our children were very small.

We taught them to look at people’s faces and discern what that person might be thinking or feeling. We taught them to always “put themselves in other people’s shoes.” We taught them to try to understand how their siblings were feeling.

For the latter, we might do something as simple as bring the kids together when a sibling is on the way home from a second driving test/driver’s license failure and dialogue with them: “______ (no mention of names to protect the three of my seven kids who had this problem! 🙂 ) didn’t pass the driver’s test again today. How do you think he is feeling? What can we do to help him feel better right now?”

Or we might do something as elaborate as sitting down with two teens who are at an impasse in a conflict for two or three hours…constantly reminding them to stop and think for a moment how the other person feels right now.

When we do this on a regular basis, an empathy is developed that might otherwise be missed.

And empathy is truly one of the foundations to the genuine apology.

If the person at fault doesn’t feel anything for the other person’s hurt, the genuine apology simply cannot move forward.

(1) Humility strategy: I want you to tell me your side of the story by only telling me your wrongs/faults. Do not mention what the other person did.

We used this especially with pre-teens and teens. When kids come to you to tell you what the other person did, it (obviously) becomes distorted.

The Bible even addresses this when it says something like “each person sounds innocent when they give their side of the story.”

So my husband started turning this around and had each child give his side of the story—but while only telling what HE did wrong (not the other person).

Sometimes this would diffuse it fairly early. As the child gave his side, he could see that he had some part in the problem. He humbled himself, so to speak.

Other times (thus, the two to three hour impasse session referred to above!), it wasn’t so simple.

Regardless, this humility strategy takes the child back to his part in any conflict.

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