by Donna | Oct 26, 2010
The scene was a familiar one. The people in the booth next to us had an undisciplined three-year-old—and the parents spent the entire evening focusing on the least important thing while ignoring the most important things.
Here is the scenario:
Child and parents sit down. Child yells to parent, “Move over, Bucko!” in a harsh, disrespectful, and loud tone.
Dad: “Are we inside or outside?”
Child, again in harsh, disrespectful tone: “Inside!”
Dad: “That’s right. So we need to use our inside voice.”
Child: “Okay, Bucko” in softer voice but still with disrespectful tone.
The entire meal was filled with a wild three year old telling his parents what to do and what he wanted in a rude, disrespectful INSIDE voice (with the parents occasionally reminding the child that they were inside and needed to use the inside voice).
The problem: Going back to our childishness vs willfulness posts from earlier this year (https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/03/day-eighty-five-introducing.html ), we see that there was a “surface” problem going on—the child speaking too loudly for inside (which is something that needs corrected and trained, but definitely not the most important thing)—the “inside voice.” And we see the big problem—disrespect and disobedience.
We call the inside voice a character issue—children are children and do childish things. They run, they jump, they shout, they giggle, they spill, they forget…and we work day in and day out to “train” them in godly character to grow out of those behaviors (some of them—many of them are, after all, cute, so we don’t want to eliminate all of them…just the unsavory ones! ).
The disobedience and disrespect are the real culprits in this scenario. They are the things that are from the heart. Calling Dad “Bucko” and answering him like he was the family dog are signs of darkness in a heart—signs that the child has not learned how important it is to respect and honor his dad, signs that he is putting himself in the position of number one (and “I will do whatever I want to do!!!”), signs that his heart has not been trained in obedience, respect, honor, and more.
The moral of this story? Train the character issues in your children as they grow up. Teach them to use an inside voice inside. Teach them not to run in church. Teach them to share with others.
But don’t let the “childishness” issues cloud the heart issues! Do not overlook the training and punishment that are needed to teach a young child to obey and honor his authorities.
by Donna | Oct 22, 2010
MORE tips for NOT sliding into the “only by comparison” parenting model:
7. Beware of verbal comparisons in front of the children. This is a fine line as we have used other children’s good and bad behavior as learning tools for our children for twenty-five years. It is not uncommon for us to ask the kids on the way home from something (after serving at disability ministry, for instance) to each tell us two instances of godly character and one example of poor character or Christian living. We have done this not to compare our kids with others or cause our children to put others down—but to help them recognize Christ-like and non-Christ-like behaviors. However, if we constantly talk about how bad other families are or how bad a certain child is, we will fall into the comparison trap quickly—and so will our children. (And their behavior will reflect this—as they start to feel superior to that child—but not expect much more from themselves.) Thus, handle these discussions carefully. Use them if they help, but not if they hurt. (Ray has made it a habit to ask for two good and one bad example of things. This helps the kids to focus on others’ good traits too.)
8. Raise expectations! Do not settle for absence of bad. Instead, expect good—no, expect great! You can begin doing this by discussion. (Can you tell we like to talk at our house? ) Discussions of going that second mile. Of giving more than what is expected. Of leaving a place better than it was when we came. Of helping someone more than they even asked. It is not uncommon for us to discuss high expectations as we travel somewhere: What can you do to encourage Grandpa today? (Not just don’t be bad at Grandpa’s.). How can you lift others up this week at drama camp? (Not just don’t talk when the teacher is talking.)
We have found out through the years that the only by comparison parenting mode does not result in good parenting—or well-behaved children. However, our second mantra, if your behavior had really been good, somebody would pay for our dinner, eventually did pay off. When Joshua turned fourteen, he chose Red Lobster for his birthday dinner (back when we could afford sit down restaurants for birthdays!), and we enjoyed the meal together—only to be approached by a couple who commented on the children’s behavior and slid Ray a $100 bill* for our food. The kids were ecstatic—and we were pretty happy parents. The children felt they had finally done it—they had, had good enough behavior to earn a free meal. And we were not out the money for an expensive meal. I wouldn’t want to get in the habit of paying my kids for good behavior—but I sure enjoyed this windfall!
*Coming soon: The $100 Pay It Forward Award Winner Announcement…we continued the blessing!
by Donna | Oct 15, 2010
I was so encouraged today to speak to a group of young moms! They were so attentive and into their families—it just warmed my heart. I loved their enthusiasm and interest in learning and growing as Christian moms. I truly went away encouraged and refreshed—even though I only got through a quarter of my handout! LOL!
I did the unthinkable (and don’t tell Ray!)—told them what I didn’t have time to tell them. I have this bad habit when I’m speaking: I want to say way more than I have time for. Thus, I often mention things that I would tell them if I had time, etc. Ray always says, “Don’t tell them that you do not have time to tell them something!” Smile…Thankfully, I now have PP 365 to refer people to—so instead of saying that I don’t have time for something, I can just tell them to go to such and such at the blog for more info about something. This is a great tool for us windy speakers!
Anyway, I wanted to give those sweet moms (and anyone else who is interested) links to many of the things that I mentioned this morning and that I wish I could have had time to delve into further. So…here you go…
*Establishing and bringing in boundaries, especially for young children: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/09/day-255-we-are-getting-behavior-that-we.html (plus the next twenty or so posts following that one)
*Chores—starting with this post then for about thirty days— https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-one-hundred-three-choreswhose-job.html
*Praising children—starting with this post then for about a dozen days following– https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/02/day-forty-praise-your-children-in-front.html
*Teaching children not to hurt the weak, elderly, or disabled: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-thirty-train-your-children-to.html
*Being a problem solver: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-seventeen-become-problem-solver.html
*Age appropriate chores for ages toddler through teen: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-115-age-appropriate-chores-for.html
*Kayla’s work in Africa: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/09/day-228-kayla-is-off-to-africa.html
*Challenging preschoolers in non-stressful ways: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-ninety-five-challenging.html
*Morning routines for preschoolers: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/03/day-eighty-two-developing-morning.html
*Affirmations for preschoolers: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/02/day-forty-five-give-your-child-praise.html
*Personal organizational strategies: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/08/day-224-organizationpersonal.html and here for a few days https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/08/day-218-organizationpersonal.html
*Motivation—starts here and goes for five days– https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/09/day-231-how-do-you-keep-motivation.html
*Charts and more– https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/09/day-240-strong-study-skills-begin-with.html
*Prioritizing—starts here and goes for several days– https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/08/day-206-introducing-prioritizingthe.html
*Home management systems—starts here and goes for two days– https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-111-other-home-management-systems.html
by Donna | Oct 12, 2010
“Discipline is a symbol of caring to a child. Discipline is guidance. If there is love, there is no such thing as being too tough with a child.” Great Quotes to Inspire Teachers
One way that we have found to take back control of our children’s behavior during times that we have felt that we lost it was to bring in the boundaries. When a son or daughter is not obeying, is disrespectful, or is discontent, he or she has often been given too many choices and too much freedom.
At that time, we have brought in the boundaries in different areas of that child’s life–and regained control. For example, when a child is consistently unhappy with his meals, he should have fewer choices (not more to try to “make him happy”–regardless of the ever popular “Happy Meal”). We need to bring in the boundaries of his choices—just offer meat and vegetables or soup or other nutritious foods that you determine until he is content and thankful for what he does have (not go through the entire cabinet and fridge until you find something that makes little Susie happy!).
When a teenager begins displaying negative behavior like her peers, we need to bring in the boundaries that were broadened too much for her maturity. Lessen the time she spends with peers and discriminate more carefully which peers she should and should not be permitted to spend time with. This boundary-narrowing is especially helpful with very small children. When we had an eighteen month old who threw his food, would not eat what was put before him, and screamed in his high chair, we knew we had broadened his boundaries–his areas of control–too early. Those boundaries needed brought in. He was not obedient or mature enough to have his entire meal on his tray; he was not content enough to choose what he wanted from the dinner menu. He was not compliant enough to remain in his high chair for family worship; he needed removed from the family and placed in his crib until worship was over. His boundaries had been too wide too soon—for him.
Another example of this is when our older children were little and would not keep the toy room picked up. We repeatedly told them to pick up when they were done with something, stop playing in plenty of time to clean up their messes, and not leave things lying around. However, they continued to leave toys strewn about in the toy room almost daily. The boundaries were too wide for our children at that time. They were unable to control themselves in the situation we had them in (i.e. an entire room of toys at their disposal). Thus, we cleaned the room with them completely, then put huge sheets over ninety percent of the toys in the room. They were not to touch those toys, but could just play with the remaining ten percent of uncovered ones. Once they learned to clean up with that small amount, we uncovered another ten percent, then another, until they were mature enough for the boundaries to be widened to include playing with all of the toys in the room.
Tomorrow: bringing them back in part ii of ii
by Donna | Oct 12, 2010
One of the first times that Ray and I heard this teaching put in this way (i.e. negative behavior is often a result of boundaries being widened too soon in an area(s)), we were with a group of about a dozen parents. The speaker expounded on the terrible results of giving children their own way when they are not happy without getting their own way.
Afterwards, as we parents spoke among ourselves about the lesson, I remember saying, “Wow! I’m glad we learned early on not to give our kids their own way when they are unhappy about not getting their own way. That sounds like a disaster!”
The other parents, almost in unison, said, “What do you mean? We give our kids their own way to keep them quiet all the time!”
It was at that moment that, in addition to being reminded once again of how blessed we were to have mentors in our lives early on, I realized how ingrained it is within parents to simply do whatever it takes to have peace, not considering that the momentary peace they get in that scenario (replayed over and over again) results in long-lasting chaos and struggle.
There are many “signs” that our child is not ready for the boundaries to be released—signs that our child is not happy when he doesn’t get his own way in a certain area and, thus, should not have the boundaries released:
1. Tantrums (screaming, crying, flailing—you know the drill) when you tell him no or he cannot have what he wants at the time
2. Saying no to you (don’t let this start…it’s an extremely bad habit)
3. Rolling the eyes, slamming a door, back talking, etc. in older children
4. Complaining about not getting something or not having things be the way he wants them
5. You find yourself making excuses for your child’s behavior all the time (he didn’t get his nap; he is hungry; he woke up too early; he woke up too late; he didn’t understand the instructions; the other party just didn’t listen to him; etc. etc.)
6. You feel a desire to avoid being with your child—running around; leaving him or her with Grandma or a sitter; feeling a need to put him in preschool early; etc.
7. Others feel a desire to avoid being with your child
This benchmark, If a child is not happy when he does not get his own way, he should not get his own way, will become obvious to us if we truly want it to be; it will be clear to us if we desire to parent in a way that raises sons and daughters to be content, obedient, respectful, and more.
Tomorrow: how to go about bringing in the boundaries when needed.
