Affirmation. Words of encouragement. Words of praise. Words of confirmation. Words of affection. Words of pride. Words of belonging. These all describe that one word–affirmation.

I recently read an article about a study of hundreds of college athletes that lasted over three decades. In this article,  “What Makes a Nightmare Sports Parent and What Makes a Great One.” these college athletes described two things that are poignant for parents of all children, including non-athletes.

The first question they answered was “What is your worst memory from playing youth and high school sports?”

The majority of those surveyed said, “The ride home from games with my parents.”

(If you have read much of what we have written or heard us speak often, you know that we focus on riding with our children in the van or car as one of the key opportunities to teach, affirm, talk, love, and train. It breaks my heart that this “sacred time” is remembered as one of the most dreadful times for these hundreds of athletes.)

Of course, we can all imagine why–because there probably isn’t a parent reading this (author included) who hasn’t come down on a child on the drive home from something about his performance–teacher conferences, speech contest, debate tournament, soccer game, swim meet, even pick-up basketball games are all opportunities to “teach” our child what he did “wrong” in the aforementioned event.

My husband, who is truly the best dad I know, one who talks to his kids on the phone and in person quite literally hours every day, even does this, so I know it is hard to conquer. And it isn’t always the parent’s fault either–as I know our kids usually probe on the way home from a performance, sermon, or song. They ask us questions that make us feel like we should be “teaching” at that time.

However, we really need to resist the urge to teach at that time. My experience has been that they ask and ask, but they really don’t want a lesson. They really just want to hear the positive at that time. I have to remind myself that there will be time for teaching and lessons later–when the performance, sermon, or song isn’t so fresh.

The study went on to prove this point further by telling how the kids described their joy over grandparents attending their sporting events. It seems that grandparents are more likely to watch, cheer, and then praise–with no lessons or strings attached.

Turning from the negative and what not-to-do, to the positive, these same athletes were asked what their parents did right–what made them feel good about themselves and their performances. The majority of them said that they were filled with joy when their parents simply said six little words:

 “I love to watch you play.”

No lessons, lectures, or analyses. Just six simple words that made hundreds of college and professional athletes look back on their time following sporting events with their parents fondly.

And six little words that we can use to affirm our children all the time.

I was happy to read this article because one of my favorite buzz lines after my kids perform is

I could watch you _________________ forever.

I could watch you dance forever. I could watch you sing forever. I could watch you preach forever. I could watch you teach forever. I could watch you act forever. I could watch you direct forever. I could watch you lead forever. I could watch you play forever. I could watch you study forever.

The thing about these lines—I love to watch you…. or I could watch you ….. forever—is that our child doesn’t have to be the best to say these things. He doesn’t have to have just played a perfect game. He doesn’t have to have just scored the winning run. He doesn’t have to have given a flawless performance.

He is our child. We love to watch him grow, do, be, become. We are saying that the child is so amazing to us–without being the gold medal winner. We are saying that he is important. That we want to be with him. That we love to watch him do what he loves to do.

We are affirming. With six little words.

I love to watch you….

Save

The post 5 Words Your Kids Need to Hear You Say Over & Over appeared first on Character Ink.

Throughout the years, we have been told that we take parenting too seriously. Yes, people actually told us that. They told us to lighten up. They have told us it doesn’t have to be as hard as we make it.

However, we have never believed them. Is it possible to take the most important job you’ll ever be asked to do seriously? Is it really possible to simplify the active parenting that much? After all, is it parenting, that is, raising people, by its very nature non-simple?

While there are ways to simplify the processes of homemaking and even parenting in general when it comes to schedules, multitasking, and prioritizing, the bottom line is that parenting is hard work.

Many years ago however, we hit upon what we see as the number one secret to successful parenting: availability. Just like the quote by dear Abby says: “you want your children to turn out well, spent half as much money on them and twice as much time,” the truth of the matter is that children take a lot of time to raise well.

While you can shortcut meal planning, hire someone for housecleaning, and get help for laundry and other tasks, our children just want us. It is not possible to create more time at a set amount of time anymore than it is possible to wish that a dollar bill were five dollar bill.

Children take a long time at each level and age – nursing and rocking infants, playing with the chasing toddlers, reading to an rumbling with preschoolers, instructing elementary children, and reaching the heart of our tweens and teens.

While I love to be inspired and to inspire others, I am a teacher at heart, and teaching is what I must do. Always.

So here are some tips for finding the time that is really required to raise our children well:

1) Time yourself on “free time” activities—I know we all want free time (and maybe even deserve it), but we have each child for eighteen years—let’s give them the time they need during those years. By setting a timer on what could be come major “time wasters,” we will be sure to use our free time wisely and have more time left for our children.

2) Set dates and times to be with your kids. We schedule calendar meetings or plan to meet in the living room or plan to go places together. If you fail to plan, you will plan to fail!

3) Decide which household tasks and jobs can done later—or not at all. My expectations for my house, yard, etc., have dropped significantly through the years in an effort to give my children more time.

4) Work fewer hours. We have had to adjust our work time—yes, we have less money, but since we want to “spend less money and more time” on our kids anyway, it all works out!  🙂

5) Evaluate hobbies and activities carefully. Can some of these wait until kids are out of the house?

Time—our kids want it. Our kids need it. And it takes a lot of it to do this parenting thing well!

The post What Our Kids Need the Most: TIME! appeared first on Character Ink.

This homeschool benefit is especially important to me. When I first learned about homeschooling, I happened to be in my very last semester at Ball State University studying elementary education. I read four books by Dr. Raymond Moore as I was
graduating and finishing up my degree. (I was given these books by someone
in my church.)

I can remember making notes in my margin as I was taking class notes that
said “If this is true, why don’t we do it in school?” “This is why
homeschooling might be better.” “Wow, you can actually do this in
homeschooling!”

I was amazed! We were learning about learning in children.  As I was
studying how children learn, the differences between boys and girls, late
bloomers versus early bloomers, and even Piaget’s Theory of when levels of
development take place, I was realizing, as a 21-year-old mother of one
toddler, that with homeschooling, you could you all all of the things that I
was learning in college –but that couldn’t be done in the classroom.

Fast forward several years later when our second child was starting school.
Kayla was a curious, intelligent, creative seven-year-old dyslexic,
dysgraphic student. By this time, I had learned enough from Dr. Raymond
Moore to know that I needed to wait for her to be ready in order for her to
learn to read.

This advice was amazing! She learned to read when she was nine, and she
learned to write/spell  (though not very strong and spelling) at age twelve.
If she had been in school, she would’ve been labeled and put in a slow or
learning disabled class.

Fast forward again about ten to fifteen years later, and that same late
bloomer, dyslexic, dysgraphic student received a perfect score on the ACT
verbal portion two times, went on to write language arts curriculum for
elementary students, wrote a biographical compilation for young readers,
wrote two books for missionaries on health and nutrition that are used
around the world today, and is working on her fifth degree.

You would be hard-pressed to find someone who thinks the whole school
benefit number two is more of a benefit than our family. Of course, it
wasn’t only Kayla who benefited from learning at her own pace. We were able
to wait for readiness in all areas for all of our children – potty training,
moving to a big bed, learning to read, learning to write, learning to drive.
These have all been areas in which our children were able to learn at their
own pace rather than being pushed when they were not ready. Of course, there
are many other areas too. In a nutshell, homeschooling can be tailor-made to
each child….so many benefits, too many to count! 🙂

I get very sad when I see homeschoolers who do not take advantage of this
benefit. They are moved by peer pressure or grandparent pressure or Sunday
school pressure to turn around and pressure their children to learn when
they’re not ready. Take advantage of this homeschool benefit! And let your
children learn at their own pace.

The post Homeschool Benefit #2: Children Can Learn At Their Own Pace! appeared first on Character Ink.

After thirty-one years of homeschooling, I still see the benefits all the
time. Ray and I look at each other almost weekly and remind each other what
a blessing it has been to be able to homeschool all seven of our children
for all of these years. However, sometimes when we are in the thick of
homeschooling, it is easy to forget all of those benefits.

So here is homeschool benefit number one: parent and child get to spend
every day together. Obviously, this doesn’t always feel like a benefit. But
after spending every day for the last thirty-one years with my children, I
can tell you wholeheartedly that it truly is a benefit.

My husband likes to tell groups when we speak that you get to see your
child’s bad behavior all the time by spending every day with him or her. And
then he goes on to explain what a benefit that is because we would miss
those behaviors and those things that we want to help our children to grow
in. I’m not so sure about that aspect of it, LOL, but I am sure that it is a
blessing to be able to be with our children all the time rather than them
being away at school for seven, eight, or nine hours each day depending on
how much bus time they have, how long their school day is, and if they had
before or after school activities.

I look back at all of the memories that I have made with my children by
spending every day with them that I have for these past three decades, and I
truly cannot think of a better way to have spent a large chunk of my life.
When I get together with my grown children, we laugh and talk about all of
the fun times. We make jokes about the terrible crafts and science projects.
And we remember together with joy all of the read alouds, all of the
traditions, and all of the ways that we spent our days for all of those
years. Truly, I would say that homeschool benefit number one is spending
every day with your children.

The post Homeschool Benefit Number One: Spending Every Day Together appeared first on Character Ink.

One way that we have tried to have one-on-one conversations with our children, in spite of there being seven of them, is to take a child with us in the vehicle whenever possible. We began this custom when we just had three small children, making it a point to always “take whomever had shoes on” with us when one of us ran an errand.

Through the years, our custom has become a little more sophisticated (especially now that the kids are older and not always available to go run errands). Now we focus not on who has shoes on but rather on who needs Mom or Dad the most at that time. It is not uncommon for us to discuss the week in terms of kids’ needs and for one of us to say, “Why don’t you have ______ ride up with you to see your mom Wednesday night, so the two of you have a chance to talk about that.” Whatever that might be.

Of course, good discussion can also take place in the vehicle with more than one child with you. We had three girls in a row followed by three boys in a row (after our first child, a boy). This made it particularly good for talking in groups, and it wasn’t uncommon for the boys and Dad to have “Daddy talks” while en route places. (And I could never disclose the contents of those talks!)

Sometimes deep discussions did not take place. Sometimes we just talked about what we saw outside (more on that tomorrow!). Other times, it was just like the quote above by AA Milne—and the child just needed to “be sure of us.”

In case you think that taking a child one-at-a-time is still not that important, let me leave you with this thought: We have had children repent of deceit, cry their eyes out over a broken heart, and even accept Christ as their Savior in a vehicle, one-on-one with Mom and/or Dad. We actually had our oldest child reveal to the two of us whom he thought he wanted to marry (and he did several months later) in the drive-through of a fast food restaurant. Never underestimate time spent with Dad and Mom alone doing something as mundane as running errands!

The post W is for Wonderful Wednesday–and Other Special Times With Our Kids! appeared first on Character Ink.

The post Our Kids Will Do To and For Other What We Do To and For Them–Reprint appeared first on Character Ink.

I LOVE TO WATCH YOU…


Article from blog:

Affirmation. Words of encouragement. Words of praise. Words of confirmation. Words of affection. Words of pride. Words of belonging. These all describe that one word–affirmation.

I recently read an article about a study of hundreds of college athletes that lasted over three decades. In this article,  “What Makes a Nightmare Sports Parent and What Makes a Great One.” these college athletes described two things that are poignant for parents of all children, including non-athletes.

The first question they answered was “What is your worst memory from playing youth and high school sports?”

The majority of those surveyed said, “The ride home from games with my parents.”

(If you have read much of what we have written or heard us speak often, you know that we focus on riding with our children in the van or car as one of the key opportunities to teach, affirm, talk, love, and train. It breaks my heart that this “sacred time” is remembered as one of the most dreadful times for these hundreds of athletes.)

Of course, we can all imagine why–because there probably isn’t a parent reading this (author included) who hasn’t come down on a child on the drive home from something about his performance–teacher conferences, speech contest, debate tournament, soccer game, swim meet, even pick-up basketball games are all opportunities to “teach” our child what he did “wrong” in the aforementioned event. 

My husband, who is truly the best dad I know, one who talks to his kids on the phone and in person quite literally hours every day, even does this, so I know it is hard to conquer. And it isn’t always the parent’s fault either–as I know our kids usually probe on the way home from a performance, sermon, or song. They ask us questions that make us feel like we should be “teaching” at that time. 

However, we really need to resist the urge to teach at that time. My experience has been that they ask and ask, but they really don’t want a lesson. They really just want to hear the positive at that time. I have to remind myself that there will be time for teaching and lessons later–when the performance, sermon, or song isn’t so fresh.

The study went on to prove this point further by telling how the kids described their joy over grandparents attending their sporting events. It seems that grandparents are more likely to watch, cheer, and then praise–with no lessons or strings attached. 

Turning from the negative and what not-to-do, to the positive, these same athletes were asked what their parents did right–what made them feel good about themselves and their performances. The majority of them said that they were filled with joy when their parents simply said six little words:

 “I love to watch you play.”

No lessons, lectures, or analyses. Just six simple words that made hundreds of college and professional athletes look back on their time following sporting events with their parents fondly.

And six little words that we can use to affirm our children all the time. 

I was happy to read this article because one of my favorite buzz lines after my kids perform is 

I could watch you _________________ forever. 

I could watch you dance forever. I could watch you sing forever. I could watch you preach forever. I could watch you teach forever. I could watch you act forever. I could watch you direct forever. I could watch you lead forever. I could watch you play forever. I could watch you study forever. 

The thing about these lines—I love to watch you…. or I could watch you ….. forever—is that our child doesn’t have to be the best to say these things. He doesn’t have to have just played a perfect game. He doesn’t have to have just scored the winning run. He doesn’t have to have given a flawless performance. 

He is our child. We love to watch him grow, do, be, become. We are saying that the child is so amazing to us–without being the gold medal winner. We are saying that he is important. That we want to be with him. That we love to watch him do what he loves to do.

We are affirming. With six little words.

I love to watch you….

Link for original article:
https://characterinkblog.com/i-love-to-watch-you/

A is for AFFIRMATION!

The post A is for AFFIRMATION appeared first on Character Ink.

I am an experiential writer. I like to write and speak about things only after I have experienced them for myself for a while. I have had the writing/speaking bug ever since our first born (now thirty) was two years old, and I headed up our children’s church department and taught teachers how to teach, manage the group, etc. (based on my credentials as an elementary education major). However, it wasn’t until I had homeschooled for many years, raised a few babies and toddlers, managed a busy household for a decade and a half, etc. , that I felt ready to talk to others about those things. As a learner, I also like to learn from those who have “been there” and “came out to tell about it”! Smile…

My husband and I began talking about raising and homeschooling teens about eight years ago–when our first born was twenty-two. Now I have seven children ages fourteen through thirty–three of whom are in college and living at home. Guess what? I am more than ready to tell the world what I have learned and continue to learn about raising/discipling teens and young adults in this heart-affecting way that we have chosen to live. If there are even a few things that we have found to work, I want to spread that vital info from shore to shore and sea to sea (okay, that’s a little dramatic, but have you ever had seven kids ages fourteen to thirty at various critical stages of life–let me tell you, it’s more than a little dramatic!).

So…with deep affection and emotion, I bring you a few things that we KNOW teens and young adults need from us as parents:


1. Safe place to talk

They need to know that it is safe to tell you whatever is going on in their hearts and lives. They need to know that you won’t completely freak out (even if you don’t agree)–and that you will love them regardless of what they say in these talks. Our oldest son and daughter (30 and 27) were raised in a pretty strict home. We had rules that did not have logical reasons (see our teen posts for Recipe for Rebellion beginning here: https://characterinkblog.com/day-sixty-eight-avoid-the-recipe-for-rebellion-ingredient-i-rules-without-reason/). We were oftentimes lost, exhausted caring for small children and emotionally drained trying to help young teenagers find their way. However, our son told us that he never wanted turn away from us–in spite of our many faults–because no matter what we made him do, wear, or say, we always gave him “intellectual freedom”–freedom to believe and think for himself (with our guidance but not with an iron fist). Fourteen to twenty-four year olds need a safe place to talk that should be found in their parents.




2. Availability

Are you tired of hearing me talk about this yet? One of the most unfortunate things to me in the whole “teen” thing is that parents sometimes think that they are done or at least almost done long before we really should be done. I have often said, and continue to believe, that children between the ages of sixteen and twenty need their parents more than ever. Why would we work so hard to instill in them our beliefs, to teach them character, to raise them with love and tenderness–just to leave them to peers alone during these ages? They need us. And they need for us to be available when they need us. For some of us, this means not going to our own things (shopping, golf, and, gasp, ballroom dancing) many a Saturday for much longer than we originally thought we would have to give up those things. Parents of teens and young adults–you are not done! There are still some more critical years to make yourself available to these amazing people in your life.





3. Time

This might seem like a repeat of number two, but it really isn’t. Yes, we need to clear our schedules not just to watch them play baseball or go to their concerts; we need to clear our schedules to provide times of availability. We also need to understand the amount of time that these ages take. We have had two of our kids get married so far. The amount of time that it took to counsel them, have fun and plan with them, encourage them, and help prepare them was probably more than my many long days of teaching that child to read or working on chores together! We have three college kids at home right now. They need the “normal” time things–help with college math, reviewing class schedules and seeing how they can squeeze in something that is only offered at a certain time during a certain semester, help changing a tire, and the “as-only-Mom-can-do” edits on their big papers. But they need long periods of time for #1 (safe talking place) and long periods of time of just being there—when they feel friend-less, when the stress of going to college and working is taking its toll on them, when they have a broken heart, when they are questioning something that they have always believed to be true, when they are disillusioned with people and this world….time….and lots of it.





4. To Be Treated Like Adults

If you have been to our parenting seminars or read our parenting book (The Well-Trained Heart), you have likely heard us emphasize the strong link between responsibility and privileges. This point, to be treated like adults, is not to de-emphasize that. We believe that children (and adults!) who show themselves responsible and mature get more and more privileges (hmmm…parable of the talents????). However, many of us treat our sixteen year olds like little kids–micromanaging their school work and homework, following them around to check on each step of their chores, not “expanding the boundaries” of responsibility/privilege in a way that is commensurate with the responsibility and maturity level they are showing. If your teens are still working on that whole responsibility thing and really aren’t ready to have the boundaries widened like you had hoped they would be, at the very least, don’t continue to treat them like little kids in other areas. Give them opportunities to please you and do good things. Set them up for success so that you can expand their boundaries and treat them more adult-like. Quit giving them money for nonsense and toys that keep them playing all the time, and instead provide them with tools–books, computer for school, gas cards, work desk, handy tools, car wash passes, and even fast food gift certificates so that when they are out doing those adult things, they can get gas and a bite to eat. Stop giving them video games, ipods, and individual sports things that twelve and fourteen year olds want/get. Talk to them like adults–don’t ask them where they are going or what they are doing in an accusatory way, but ask them in the same way  you would ask your spouse–in order to determine the schedule and plan for family time. Say, “When will you be home from class–I was hoping we would have some talk time tonight” not “And what time will you be rolling in tonight?” I have so much more to say about treating our teens and young adults like adults, and I will try to address this even more as Ray and I are speaking about some teen topics this summer at some conferences, but I will leave you with this word of advice: The tone in which you speak to your kids tells them right away whether they are being treated in a condescending, child-like way or an adult way. Tone is where I would start.


That’s all for today. I am crying as I finish this article. I have had a couple of weeks of intense parenting of teens and young adults. I truly have the most amazing eighteen, twenty, and twenty-two year old living in my home right now. But their hearts are vulnerable, and they are facing a big scary world. And they need me and Ray to help them finish becoming who and what they are going to become. The needs are so much bigger than getting them to finish their peas and pick up their toys. 

 Our teens and young adults need us! They need our support. They need our advice. They need our encouragement. They need our faith in them. They need our time. They need for us to be available to them. They need for us to treat them with respect. They need us.

The post Four Things Teens and Young Adults Need appeared first on Character Ink.