Not long ago, my twenty-one year old son stopped by as I was cleaning vegetables. He said, “Oh, you’re cleaning veggies. Remember when we used to bring a big tub of fruits and vegetables into the living room and we three boys would gather around them and peel, slice, dice, stem, and “julienne” pounds of produce while you read out loud to us for hours.”

“I’ll never forget,” I replied, getting a little misty-eyed.

“And do you remember how between books or chapters, we would start talking about something in the book and the next thing you know we had just talked and talked and talked. But you said it didn’t matter because we were getting things done?”

Okay, now I was beyond misty-eyed.

It didn’t matter how long we talked…we were getting things done at the same time! 🙂

Working together on mindless type of work (or less-mentally-taxing anyway) is an amazing opportunity to talk. And the thing about talking when you’re doing these types of activities is that is often not rushed and it usually lasts a while (we always did twenty pounds of potatoes at once—and did different things with them for the next couple of weeks and/or the freezer…then there were the strawberries and carrots and celery and….you get the idea).

When kids feel less rushed as they talk (even in a small group like the four of us during my last few years of homeschooling), they talk more. As you talk longer, kids talk even more.

So…when you need to get things done—or you are doing mindless things together, talk…a lot!

Ways to Talk While You Work:

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Driving—of course! We’ve talked about this a lot (Who’s Got Their Shoes On among other places)

2. Gardening or weeding flower beds—while it is difficult to talk with machinery going, we have loved talking to our kids as we hand weeded together or planted flowers, etc.

3. Puzzles or handwork—We used to love to set up a card table in the winter with a puzzle perpetually on it. When Dad sat down (I realllly don’t like puzzles!) to work it, he always had talkers, I mean puzzlers, join him!

4. Fruit and vegetable preps—While I loved talking when I cooked with my kids (and one of my daughters and I still LOVE cooking together whenever we get a chance!), cooking isn’t always mindless….but produce prep usually is. Gather everyone around with knives, and start talking…and chopping!

5. Organizing—this sometimes worked and sometimes did not. But I adore organizing. And doing bookcases or toy shelves with the kids was often a great time to talk

6. Wrapping Christmas gifts—most of our Christmas gift wrapping was done during “Christmas wrapping parties” that we did with movies and fun foods, but this is another good time to talk.

7. Game sorting—this turns out to be a fun activity when you gather everybody and sort games, repair boxes, find missing pieces, etc. The same is true of video and/or audio organizing….wowsie, we spent a lot of time in audio organizing!

8. Scrapbooking, card making, or other joint hand work

Just some ideas to get you started thinking about times that you need to get things done and that you could be talking at the same time because when you need to get things done can often be a great time to talk.

Other times to talk:

While Driving

At the Table

Letting Your Kids Question You

When You Just Need To Listen

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“You judge everything I say.”

“I know you won’t want to listen to this.”

These are all phrases that our preteens, teens, and young adults might say to us—IF we do not open our hearts to them early and often, creating a safe place for them to talk to us.

A pivotal, crucial time to talk to our kids is when they need a safe place to talk.

They need to know that it is safe to tell you whatever is going on in their hearts and lives. They need to know that you won’t completely freak out (even if you don’t agree)—and that you will love them regardless of what they say in these talks.

Our oldest son and daughter (ages 34 and 30) were raised in a pretty strict home. We had rules that did not have logical reasons (see our Reason for Rebellion: Rules Without Reasons in this 52 Times to Talk series…).

We were oftentimes lost, exhausted caring for small children and emotionally drained trying to help young teenagers find their way. However, our son told us that he never wanted to turn away from us—in spite of our many faults—because no matter what we made him do, wear, or say, we always gave him “intellectual freedom”—freedom to believe and think for himself (with our guidance but not with an iron fist).

He knew that we were a safe place. That he could come to us always and we would listen.

This is a tricky thing—we want to enforce our rules. We want to be good parents with strong values and yes, sometimes, even the strictness that it takes to raise children with solid boundaries and internal compasses.

I’m not saying that we didn’t still have our rules. I’m not saying that everything just became a free-for-all in an attempt to provide a safe talking place.

We found that we didn’t have to indulge in order to provide safe places for our kids to talk.

More than anything, we had to provide availability—availability is the greatest safety feature we can offer our kids for talking. If we are there for them continually from young ages, we will be able to provide that safe place over time.

They will come to use more and more, and we will listen and listen and listen.

Creating a Safe Place to Talk

We have found three things to help provide this safety for our kids:

1) The aforementioned availability. We will get better and better at providing a safe place to talk as we make ourselves available.

2) Make it a point of not fixing every time you talk. At first, as you are trying to create the safe talking place, you might even have to make a rule within yourself that you will not correct, instruct, discipline, or advise for a while. This will force you to learn how to provide a safe place. Will you need to correct, instruct, discipline, or advise later? Definitely. But as you listen more and more, you will get better at providing that safe place.

3) Tell your kids that there will always be consequences for actions, and that while you will possibly need to enforce consequences, their coming to you for everything is the safest way to go. That things will always go better if they come to you.

Truly, our kids need a safe place. And it’s up to use to provide it.

And they will feel safe…because we will be that safe place for them.

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Rules Without Relationship is the final ingredient—and probably the most critical of all of the ingredients to avoid. (Of course, without relationship, we as parents have no desire or motivation to try to explain rules, listen to their appeals, or remain consistent in our parenting.) Relationship must be in place in order to keep our children from rebelling against us.

Recipe for Rebellion

Rules Without Reasons
Rules Without Response
Rules Without Repetition
Rules Without Relationship

Love covers a multitude of parenting problems. However, I will note that we can chisel away the relationship we do have with any of the previous three ingredients in our rule making. Even if we have a strong relationship in place with our children and have secured their hearts, we can cause them to take back pieces of their hearts little by little when we do not have logical rules, do not listen to them, and do not have consistency.

Likewise, an incredibly strong relationship can cause our children to accept our decisions even if we do have some of the other three undesirable ingredients. If our children know that we are trying to do what is in their best interest, and that we would not simply make rules to throw our weight around, they will more easily accept those times when our rule making is less than logical or consistent.

Keeping Teens Close

I look back on the time when our three oldest children began entering their teen years, and it seems a miracle that we were able to keep them so close. I know that there were some key experiences during that time that held us together, in spite of our tendency to not always think when making rules and guidelines. The most significant thing that kept our children true to us during that time was love.

More than anything else, love ruled our home. We might have had some wacko rules, many of which had no logical basis. We might have taken away a lot of things from them that other kids got to do or have (and continue to do so). But we always loved unselfishly. We loved them enough to do whatever it took to stay close to them.

Paul’s declaration about ruling with love is what made those years successful in spite of not knowing what we were doing! In Philemon 1: 8-9, Paul told the people that he could have forced them to do what he wanted them to do (which is how some parents handle things), but instead he wanted to love them into doing what he asked: “…although in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do, yet I appeal to you on the basis of love” (NKJV).

When we appeal to our children on the basis of love–even if we do not have it all figured out ourselves yet–their response is completely different than if we appeal to them with unlimited, tyrannical authority.

Talk often…

We need to talk and talk often—for many of the 52 reasons and in many of the 52 ways. But one of the most important times to talk is when you want to build a relationship with your kids.

The quote by Frederick Douglass: “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men” speaks to this. We can talk and talk and talk and build close relationships with our children now (in spite of the time and effort it takes during these busy years) or we can try to repair things later. It is much easier (even though it doesn’t feel like it at the time) to build strong relationships with our children right now through talking.

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“Mom, that’s not fair!”

“Why can’t I…..”

“It’s her turn!”

One of the ways that our children begin the disrespect spiral is when we let them “talk back” to us. At first, this can be simply questioning us with a slightly raised voice. But before we know it, it can become full-fledged disrespect. And the more we allow it, the more it happens.

But what is a parent to do when they want kids who are able to talk freely about things? What should we do when we want to build an open, honest relationship with constant dialogue, yet every time our child disagrees with us, it becomes a shouting match?

A couple of weeks ago, I talked about the Recipe for Rebellion ingredient of “Rules Without Response.” That is, our children become rebellious towards us when we DON’T allow them to respond to us—but when they do respond, it turns into disrespect.

We found a solution to this nearly thirty years ago….and it has served our family well, allowed us to have super close relationships with our kids throughout their teen and young adult years, and kept communication going without allowing disrespect to seep in.

It was called “the godly appeal” when we first learned of, but I prefer to call it “the Quiet Questioning”—focusing on the fact that we let the child question us—but it is quiet (i.e. in a respectful, permitted manner).

Quiet Questioning is a non-argumentative, non-confrontational way for our children to express their disagreement with our rules for them. It opens doors of communication that would literally be slammed in our children’s faces if we just tell them to “do what I say; I don’t want to hear about it.” It gives our teens more of a sense of control in their lives—and provides multiple teaching opportunities for us (which our teens can, in turn, apply to other situations in their lives).

In Quiet Questioning if a child does not agree with something, he asks respectfully if he may question it.

I even recommend using these exact words, so that you have “key words” that indicate that the child is getting control of himself so you should listen to him: “May I quietly question?”

After the quiet question, the parent gives one of three answers: yes, no, or later. The child must then accept that answer as part of the quiet questioning process (not argue, beg, etc.).

At that time, the parent gives one of three answers: yes, no, or later. The child then must accept that answer (not argue, beg, etc.). If the answer is yes, the question is heard and considered by the parents. Sometimes this is in front of other siblings. Many times it is not, depending on the subject being questioned, who it applies to, and the intensity of the child’s questioning.

If the answer is no, the matter is dropped, though it may be brought up later, when more information is gathered or when the time is more appropriate (i.e. not in the heat of an argument or not when parents are unable to deal with it right then, etc.).

If the answer is later, the child may bring it up at another, more convenient, time. (Sometimes we even told our children that they may question tomorrow or next week when we are not traveling or not in the middle of a big project, etc.)

How to Make Quiet Questioning Successful

There are some guidelines that make quietly questioning successful:

1. If the question is disrespectful or done in anger, it is turned down immediately.

2. If the question is a series of whines and complaints, rather than a truly quiet question, it is turned down.

3. If a child begins disagreeing a lot or constantly trying to question, the question process is terminated for a period of time until that person learns to accept Mom and Dad’s rules more often than not. (More about kids being characterized by cooperation “more often than not” later.)

4. If the questioning process becomes an argument, it is ended.

5. If the person questioning is turned down, but later has more information (“new evidence”), he may re- question that topic.

6. The question is truly listened to and thought through by Mom and Dad. Do not pretend to listen to questions, but not regard your children’s pleas. This is another “Recipe for Rebellion” in itself. (Kids know if the questioning process is just a formality and you are not truly listening to them.)

7. The person questioning is not constantly interrupted by Mom and Dad with justifications. The child should not be patronized during a quiet question, but carefully listened to and respected.

8. Once the answer to the question is given, the matter must be dropped for the time being. Granted, it might need re-visited, but to continue the questioning once an answer is given is arguing, not quiet questioning.

9. Parents must agree on the answer to the question at the time. Later, behind closed doors, discussion between Mom and Dad may need to take place, but in front of the child, a united front is imperative.

Quiet Questioning is a privilege for mature children. It should not be used by children who complain and grumble all of the time. It should not be used as a “formal means” of arguing. (The words, “May I quietly question?,” should not be substituted for the child’s normal means of disagreeing as an attempt to begin “discussion and arguments.”)

A child should have godly character and be characterized by (“known by”) submission and obedience in order to utilize this relational tool. It is an avenue by which children and teens who readily accept the family’s rules may disagree respectfully and be heard.

When discussing these concepts recently with our grown son Joshua (married; thirty-four), it was interesting to us to note that he said that he did not mind our rules—even if he disagreed with them. According to him, the reason he did what we wanted him to do (outside of love—see “Rules Without Relationship” next week) during any of our less-than-rational-rule-time is because no matter what rule we made, what standard we expected, or what behavior we demanded, we always listened to him.

According to him, even if we did not change the rule or expected result, we still let him talk and let him disagree with us (via the quiet question process). He noted that it didn’t matter if we followed his suggestions, just the fact that we were listening to him made all the difference in the world. According to him, we did not give him freedom to do as he pleased when he disagreed with something, but we did give him intellectual freedom–the freedom to think and to question us. That alone made Quiet Questioning in our home so important to us.

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Recipe for Rebellion

Rules Without Reasons
Rules Without Response
Rules Without Repetition
Rules Without Relationship

Our last couple of times to talk have been times in which we avoid the first two ingredients in The Recipe for Rebellion (Rules Without Reasons and Rules Without Response). In other words, they were talking to give reasons and talking (or not talking!) in order to allow a response.

Rules Without Repetition

The third ingredient in the Recipe for Rebellion is Rules Without Repetition. This ingredient deals with inconsistency in applying rules. (It would more aptly be called Rules Without Consistency, but then it wouldn’t fit as well into our Recipe!)

Talking all the time gives us the opportunity to avoid this ingredient—to be repetitive and consistent in our family rules and ways.

This ingredient points to the times our children comment, “Last time you let me.” It means that when a rule is a rule, it remains the rule (unless it is truly, permanently changed, and then the change is enforced on a consistent basis—not a different rule or take on a rule each time).

This ingredient harms our relationship with our children for many reasons:

1. Inconsistency hinders many areas inconsistency will hinder a Christian in every area of his life.

Our testimonies, relationships, interactions with others, decisions, morals–everything in our lives–must have some semblance of consistency in order to be accepted by others.

A young lady recently told one of my daughters that her parents are so inconsistent that she simply doesn’t know what they want. One minute, she is allowed to date. Then when she begins dating someone they do not like, she is not permitted to go anywhere in a car with a boy.

Inconsistency in rules will “provoke our children to wrath” almost quicker than anything else. The guidelines we have for our family’s lifestyle must have consistency in order for children to follow them. Our schedules need consistency, or our children will never heed them–since they will change on a whim anyway.

2. Inconsistency Creates a Poor Testimony

Everyday we Christians hear people comment that they would never go to church because of the hypocrites. This is a long time problem that will likely never be solved since there will always be hypocrites—and non-believers looking for hypocrites– in the church. Our inconsistent Christian living creates a poor testimony.

With our children, it is even worse. Our inconsistency in parenting causes confusion, anger, and bitterness. Just like the girl told my daughter: “One day it is this rule, and the next day it is something different.”

Our children will not respect our rules if they are not consistently followed–or if the reason for a rule is not consistent in developing other rules (i.e. “one day I can date, the next day I can’t be in a boy’s car even with others there”).

It should be noted here that we do not believe that consistency in making and following rules means that you cannot change rules. You may decide to change a rule: through God revealing something to you; through a friend pointing out a blind spot; through discussion with your spouse; or even through the appeal process.

Consistency does not mean that you never change anything. However, when a rule is changed, your children need to know it is so, and you need to be sure to be consistent in applying the “new” rule.

So how does this rule apply to talking to our kids all the time?

When we talk to our kids all the time—about everything, including our family’s rules, ways, and specialness, we are setting our children up to expect consistency in our home.

A rule or family way isn’t something that we just came up with out of thin air. It is something that is a part of us. It is something that makes our family, our family.

And we talk about those things all the time—so that we foster that consistency in our family—and so that our children trust us to be consistent.

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Recipe for Rebellion

Rules Without Reasons
Rules Without Response
Rules Without Repetition
Rules Without Relationship

So I guess this would be more appropriately coined as a time to listen…not talk. And this is why….

The problems with Ingredient # 1: Rules Without Reasons are also found in Ingredient #2: Rules Without Response (plus one other “biggie”):

1. “No-Response-Allowed” Is Aggravating!

There are many problems with this ingredient, of course, not the least of which involves the verse in the Bible that tells fathers not to aggravate their children: “Fathers, don’t aggravate your children, if you do they will become discouraged and quit trying” Colossians 3:21 (NLT). It is aggravating not to be listened to! Think about how annoying it is for you with work or relatives when you are not allowed to voice your opinion. Your children feel the same way–only perhaps even more helpless because they are, well, children.

2. “No-Response-Allowed” Handicaps Our Children in Their Future Decision Making

Additionally, not allowing our children to respond to our rules and choices for them causes them to be unable to make decisions for themselves later in life. They need to know the process a Christian goes through to determine how to live and act. If we consistently tell them that this is the way it is, and they just need to buck up and do it, they will not learn how to make wise decisions for themselves and their own families some day.

3. “No-Response-Allowed” Is Not How God Treats Us!

If we truly want to follow a Christian protocol in parenting, we will want to try to parent our children like God parents us. God listens to us! Think of how painfully honest David was in the Psalms—“God, why are you doing this to me! Why don’t you listen to me? Why do you let my enemies overtake me? Oh, I want to follow your way, but it is so hard. Okay, God, I will trust in you, not in chariots and horses.” God allows us to respond to what he is doing in our lives! Or how about Abraham: Will you destroy the city if there are some godly people still there? He not only responded to God’s edict, but he gave God suggestions on how to change it. And God listened!

4. “No-Response-Allowed” Causes Our Children to Argue With Us

Besides the three above difficulties with Ingredient #1 and Ingredient #2, “No-Response-Allowed” has the added problem of arguments and fighting that result when children try to discuss rules with us and we do not listen. This is where a communication technique that we have used with our children comes in handy: the godly appeal.

Most parents, when presented with the concept of letting their children respond to them, are not altogether wrong in their opposition. Their children might already be responding–and Mom and Dad do not like it!

Parents usually do not like it because they have not allowed (or taught) proper responses from their children early on, so their sons and daughters have resorted to arguing, bickering, and begging. That is not the type of response we are recommending in this appeal advice.

So this time to talk is when you need to let your kids respond—the next one will give you an outline for how to let your kids respond/appeal to you in a non-argumentative way. So stay tuned!

Links:

[Download] Recipe for Rebellion Posters

[Podcast] Recipe for Rebellion and Ingredients for Intimacy

[Podcast] Dealing With Heart Issues of Tweens

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Why not?

Can we change that to…..

These questions are often asked of us parents when we fail to give children the reason for our decisions and instruction.

While there it is true that our children should learn to obey us and trust that we have their best in mind (but again, that comes through lots of talking and letting them see that we have their best interest in mind!), we have determined four key ingredients that cause teens to rebel—Reishes’ Recipe for Rebellion.

Certainly each of the four of these “ingredients” is a reason to talk to our kids….including the first ingredient in the recipe—Rules Without Reasons.

Rules Without Reasons

Explaining reasons for our rules is an important time to talk to our kids! We have believed in giving our children the reasons for our requests and rules (as long as the children are not demanding them), mostly due to embracing Kevin Leman’s* writings, which we discovered early in our parenting. However, we did not realize the importance of our rules and requests being logical and understandable to our kids until after we began debate. Through our experience with teaching our children public speaking and debate (and through judging hundreds of competitions), we learned that not only should we give our children the reasons for our rules if possible, but that those reasons should be logical, scriptural, and understandable.

In other words, it is not enough to tell our kids yes or no and then add “because I told you so.” This goes back to the Proactive Parenting techniques that we have introduced earlier in this blog. One way to prevent problems before they begin is to explain the reasons behind your rules and requests to your children.

Many authoritarian parents do not believe that they should have to do this. After all, we are the parents and they are the children. While you would be hard pressed to find parents who require obedience and respect much more than my husband and I do, we do not buy into the “I am the parent, so the child should do it” mindset—without explanation and teaching concerning the rules we make.

Why? For a number of reasons:

1. That is not how God deals with us! His Word is a gold mine of reasons and explanations to us of why He wants us to do what He wants us to do. He is tender, long suffering, and patient with us. He does demand our obedience, but He does not say that it is “because I told you so.” Rather He says that it is “to help us grow in our faith,” “to keep weaker brethren from stumbling,” “to show that we love Him,” “to be a light to the world,” and on and on. One explanation after another; multiple cause and effect scenarios are presented.

2. It does not help our children “own” the lifestyle choices and rules we are making. You cannot own something of which you do not understand. When we tell our children to live this way or that because we are the parents and we demand it, we are not helping them to develop their own belief system in the future. In essence, we are not giving them learning hooks on which to hook old information, new information, and future information—to utilize when they need to make decisions for themselves.

3. It is aggravating for the child. Ephesians 6:4 says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” We as adults know how exasperating it is to work for someone who makes demands but does not give explanations. Our children often feel the same way with us. The Bible makes it clear that we have the potential to give our children life-giving truths (Proverbs tells us over and over to teach our kids God’s ways) or demanding, “aggravating” commands (without explanations).

So take the time to TALK…to give the reasons—especially when you are implementing a new rule, schedule, approach, or lifestyle choice for your family.

Explain it to the children thoroughly—and give them opportunities to respond (see next post!). Because avoiding the Rules Without Reasons is important enough to talk about it.

Learn more about the Recipe for Rebellion with our parenting packet here.

Recipe for Rebellion

Rules Without Reasons
Rules Without Response
Rules Without Repetition
Rules Without Relationship

Learn more about the Recipe for Rebellion with Donna’s Wondering Wednesday podcast episode here.

* Leman, Kevin. Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. New York: Dell Publishing Company, 1987.

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That is the first verse of a song I wrote that we sang together as a family during family worship and in the van driving (especially on trips). It was our empathy song—the song that reminded us to try to put ourselves in others’ shoes and understand how they are feeling.

There are dozens of ways to teach empathy—from saving and giving funds to help others, to volunteering to help the needy, to watching movies and reading books, and much more.

This valuable character trait can also be taught through talking (and singing!).

If you read much of what we have written, you will quickly learn that we feel that one of the most valuable parenting tools that we have at our disposal is that of discussion. This is especially true when it comes to empathy training. We have always discussed people’s hurts with our children (at appropriate ages), and even charged them with the duty of making this world a better place through their Christian love and charity.

One of the things that we never allowed our children to do was to make fun of the weak or the disabled. Calling somebody “retarded” or “crippled,” or some such other name was strictly forbidden. However, we didn’t just not let them speak ill of or make fun of those people, we taught them to show love and compassion to them.

From their earliest years, when we saw somebody who was needy, we would explain to the children that we do not know what that person goes through. That we cannot understand that person’s pain and suffering. And that we should lift those people up, not tear them down.

Talking to our kids about how others feel—those who are needy, their siblings, friends, grandparents, etc—is a great way to teach this quality…and another important time to talk.

Yes, “How do you think that makes that person feel?” is the beginning of empathy training. Teaching our children to see people’s needs with true compassion is the continuation of that empathy training. (And as an aside, we began “How do you think that makes that person feel?” with their siblings. We always told the kids that if they can learn how to get along with/be kind to their siblings, they can work with anybody in this world!)

We are not programmed to be selfless. We are not programmed to automatically think about others. We are born with a sin nature–a selfish nature. As parents, we have to make a conscious effort to get our children’s thoughts off of themselves—and onto those around them. We can do this quickly, constantly, and easily through discussion.

Many years ago, when the older children were ten through fourteen, we took a trip to Chicago. We spent a long weekend visiting museums, swimming at our motel, and, of course, talking. We had many opportunities to see those with needs and discuss these situations. Before we left that weekend, we had written a song (amateur poet, here) that described what we saw and felt that we still sing today—and that reminds us to look around us and see the hurting people—and try to find ways to help them.

“I Prayed for You Today”

I prayed for you today, though I didn’t know your name,
I saw a hurting look, so I had to stop and pray.
I prayed for you today, when I saw you on the street,
Playing on your trumpet, for everyone you meet.

(Chorus) I know it doesn’t seem like much, just a simple little prayer.
But I want you to realize there is a God who cares.
I know it doesn’t seem like much, I wish I could do more.
But the very best thing that I can do is take you to the Lord.

I prayed for you today, when I saw you with your cane,
Your yesterdays have flown right by, and now you’re old and lame.
I prayed for you today, when I saw you on your porch,
You looked so sad and lonely, so broken and forlorn.

(Chorus) I know it doesn’t seem like much, just a simple little prayer.
But I want you to realize there is a God who cares.
I know it doesn’t seem like much, I wish I could do more.
But the very best thing that I can do is take you to the Lord.

I prayed for you today, when I saw you with your friends,
Trying to be popular, trying to fit in.
I prayed for you today, when I saw you at the zoo,
Being a daddy all alone is difficult to do.

(Chorus) I know it doesn’t seem like much, just a simple little prayer.
But I want you to realize there is a God who cares.
I know it doesn’t seem like much, I wish I could do more.
But the very best thing that I can do is take you to the Lord.

Empathy doesn’t just happen. Yes, we can say that one child is more tenderhearted than another. We can see leanings towards empathy—as well as leanings towards selfishness—in our children. But empathy is something that we can teach our children—a learned behavior, if you will—that we can instill in them beginning at very young ages, in our homes. And a trait that can be taught through talking.

Related links:

[article] Four Things Teens and Young Adults Need

[podcast] Ways to Spend More Time With Your Kids

[podcast] Ten Tips for Staying Close

[podcast] Using Audios With Children

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We wanted our children to ask questions–and lots of them! We wanted to be their answerer as much as possible. Thus, we “trained” them to ask questions–by answering them freely and endlessly.

Ray is the best answerer I have ever met (honest!). He is the one who made me come up with the little acronym that we teach at our parenting seminars. I have watched him day in and day out, year in and year out, answer a question. Then he paused and continued on with more answers and more answers and more answers.

He never tired of our children’s questions–and when the kids weren’t asking questions, he would prod them to do so: “Why do you think that guy directing traffic is wearing an orange vest and not a black one?” “Why do you think that farmer is still in the field on a Saturday night at ten o’clock?” “Why do you think Jesus said that?” He literally trained them in question asking!

No matter where we are, Ray always stops to answer the kids’ questions–sometimes even at lunch at a museum! Sometimes on napkins at lunch! Sometimes in the driveway as he plays with the kids. And he always “Answers It More!”

From watching him, I came up with the acronym that we encourage all parents to use. AIM: When your children ask you a question, answer it. Then Answer It More!

Children will grow up learning to ask questions if we answer their questions freely. For most questions+, use the “Raising Kids With Character” method of AIM: When your children ask you a question, answer it. Then Answer It More! This will help them to become lifelong learners–and responsible thinkers who do not just accept everything that is put before them but truly question what they see and hear in the media, from others, etc.

It takes intentionality to do this—and the framework of “I am going to give my children my time now…while they are here at home with me.” It is hard to volunteer to give more and more time sometimes as it feels like parenting already takes so much time—without looking for ways to give even more of our time!

But AIM has helped us to dig more deeply into our children’s hearts. It has helped them see and value our availability. It has allowed us to do even more teaching. It has been worth it!

AIM: Answer It More!

+The exception to our AIM approach was when children asked questions of a sexual nature. Then, as my husband likes to say, tell them just a tiny bit. Then if they ask more, tell them more. Continue in this way with all delicate topics. This way, you are giving them the information that they are ready for–the information that they really asked for. And you are not giving them sexual information that they are not ready for. Ray called these “Daddy Talks”–there is a post about that here.

Further reading:

52 Weeks: When You Have a Good Report

52 Weeks: When It’s Time to Ask Questions

52 Weeks: Techno Free Talk Time

52 Weeks: “Daddy Talks”

The post 52 Weeks of Talking to Our Kids: When You Need to AIM [Answer It More] appeared first on Character Ink.

“Jonathan, come in here.”

Daddy was home and was calling his fifth child, six year old Jonathan, into his room.

But Jonathan wasn’t concerned. He didn’t think he was about to get into trouble. He didn’t worry that he had done something wrong.

He knew what Daddy wanted: to praise, affirm, and encourage him. Jonathan knew that he was about to hear the words that all of our kids waited to hear in the evenings:

“I heard a good report about you!”

Jonathan had done a typical Jonathan thing that day (besides play mightily, listen intently, and get distracted consistently—he was, after all, a six year old boy!). He had slowed down in his race against his four year old brother to get each one’s rack of the dishwasher unloaded. He had slowed down for one important reason—to let Josiah win.

And Mommy had noticed it. She had already picked him up and swirled and swirled him. She had already told him that she was proud of his selflessness. She had already told his siblings about his deference.

And now Daddy was about to tell him how proud he was. He would say his famous words, “Jonathan, I heard a good report about you.” Then he would tell the story again that Mommy had told Daddy on the phone that day. He would tell Jonathan that it made him so happy to see his little boy thinking of others. He would tell him how great it was to see him making Josiah feel special. He would tell him that God loves it when we put others ahead of ourselves.

Daddy didn’t swirl him. That was Mommy’s gig. But Daddy used the magic words. And that was enough.

This scene was a common one in our house. We had learned when our oldest was a little boy that public praise was worth double to children. That when parents talked about their kids’ good behaviors in front of the kids and in front of others, it would have a lasting impact on the kids. And it always did.

Obviously, to carry this out well, parents need to be in tune with each other, communicating often and parenting together. They need to go out of their way to find those good things that they can praise their children for. They need to be consistently teaching character so that when a good character is displayed, the kids know what the parents are talking about and why it is important.

Another time to talk? Yes…but so much more than that. For all the times that I have discussed listening, asking questions, giving kids a chance to say what is on their hearts, this is one of those times when you should speak. And one of those times that kids love to listen!

Lasting impact? That little six year old is now nearly twenty-four. He recently preached a sermon about heaven during his master’s internship. Near the end of his sermon, he likened entering the gates of heaven and hearing the Lord proclaim, “Well done, thou great and faithful servant” to how it felt when he was a boy and his daddy would say the magic words, “I heard a good report about you!”

Yep…this talk time can make a huge difference in your kids’ lives. So use this “talk time” often!

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