by Donna | Feb 12, 2010
“The prime purpose of being four is to enjoy being four – of secondary importance is to prepare for being five.” Jim Trelease, The Read-Aloud Handbook
Preschoolers are incredible! I have always said (since my second-born, semi-strong-willed toddler turned four!) that four to six is my favorite age of kids. Of course, that is relative, as, for the most part, my favorite age was the age that each of my children was at that moment!
Preschoolers and praise go hand in hand. More than at any other age, preschoolers who are praised respond favorably, often altering their behavior as a result of praise. For example, several studies have shown that when preschooler are praised for exhibiting good manners, they develop better social skills.
Without going into great detail about research on preschoolers and praise, I will tell you something that anybody with a preschooler already knows: preschoolers usually respond enthusiastically to praise! For the most part, preschoolers are pleasers. If we praise our preschooler for a behavior he exhibits, and he senses that we are pleased with him for that behavior, he will likely repeat it.
Now, some might see this as manipulation, but I have always believed that four to six years of age is such a crucially-formative time for children, why not praise good behavior and positive character and give these little dollies opportunities to continue in those behaviors and receive more positive feedback—in the hopes of those actions becoming permanent? After all, aren’t our children given to us to raise and “train up in the way they should go”?
Preschoolers are often literal. If we give them reason to think they are “bad,” they will believe it—and often continue to act on it. If we give them reason to think they are “good,” they will believe it—and often continue to act on it. This, of course, is a good reason to be sure that we direct our praise to their behaviors and actions—and not to the child himself. Our praise should motivate a child’s behavior, not cause him to think of himself in terms of being a “bad kid” if he gets mostly reprimands or a “good kid” if he gets mostly praise.
It is important in praising our children (or our students, for those of you who are teachers) that we consider the age of the child. Since preschoolers are so literal and, well, a little naïve, they will more likely accept general or more “gushy” praise. If we tell a four year old that she did an awesome job cleaning her room, she will likely be moved by that. If we tell an eight year old the same thing, she may or may not be moved by that, but would likely respond more favorably to “I love the way you organized your bookcase. Thanks for taking the initiative to do that” than “awesome job.”
The preschool age is truly the time to use the tool of praise to teach, to tie heartstrings, to build our children up, and to instruct in appropriate and positive behaviors. After all, what else do four year olds have to do except to be four–and prepare for being five?
by Donna | Feb 9, 2010
“Praise your children openly, reprehend them secretly.” W. Cecil
We have a saying at our house that “public praise is worth twice as much as private praise.” It is a simple reminder to, yes, praise our children—but also to praise them in front of others. I try to make it a habit—to go out of my way to tell my kids how fantastic I think they are right in front of other people.
It is not uncommon for me to say, “I am amazed at how well Josiah keeps the bathrooms clean.” Or “I could not make it without the boys taking their turns cooking dinner” etc. etc. right in front of other people–and the child I am referring to. Sometimes it will be directly in front of the “praise-worthy” child and other times it will be within earshot—and I know that child is listening.
Another praise guideline that we try to keep in mind is that of 7:1 praise to reprimand ratio. That is, we should praise and encourage our children seven times for every one time that we correct or criticize.
Not long ago, several elementary kids came into the house after having speech class in the learning center (a room in our garage in which we teach homeschooled students classes) with Ray. One of the sweet little fourth grade girls came in and said to me and her mom, “Mr. Reish has to learn to say as many good things as he does bad!” Out of the mouth of babes! We have “feedback sheets” that we use for speech class, and it is very easy to get in the habit of marking only the things that the speaker needs to work on (and not the things he or she does well) during that limited time and space. This little girl was on to something—those feedback sheets need a praise column and a “work on” column!
When our older kids were little, during family meetings we would sometimes have what we called “church of Revelation” time—a time in which we listed many of each child’s strengths for that week verbally. We made a list ahead of time and said them aloud in front of the other kids…then (the “Revelation church” part)….we listed one thing (“one thing have I against you….”) that the child needed to work on. By listing all of the good things first, the child was more receptive to hearing the one thing he should work on. It gave each child something that we wanted him or her to try to improve—but not without first praising him or her for the good things.
I will be focusing a few posts this week on praising our children. There is a lot of interesting research out there about what to praise and how to praise our children. Also, we were instructed by very wise parents twenty years ago in what and how to praise (and this advice we received jives well with the research!). Lastly, I will share some lists of praises to use for all children in various areas. Hope you will join me the rest of this week as we learn more about praising and encouraging our children—and that you will praise your kids seven times more than you correct them—and remember that public praise is worth twice as much as private praise!
by Donna | Feb 8, 2010
What kind of dad are you—a mad dad or a glad dad? How about you, Mom—are you a mean mom or a merry mom? Now, before you get defensive, my kids will be the first to tell that Ray is sometimes a mad dad—and I am not always a merry mom. We all have our days—and being a parent, managing a household, working full time, starting businesses, being involved in church ministries, etc. can all take its toll on our “niceness” factors. But, like I always ask my children: Are you characterized by it?
Little kids are painfully honest, so one of my younger kids usually tells it like it is: “Mom, you’re nice tonight. Not like you were the other days.” Or “What’s wrong with Dad? He’s in that mood again!” But, just like our children’s bad behaviors and fighting with each other—these situations should be the exception—not the norm.
I have been teaching my children since they were very small to be observant of human behavior and emotions. It is a skill that is vital in ministry and relationship building. A couple of my kids can spot a lonely person, an angry person, etc. a mile away. Some of them wouldn’t notice another’s emotional state unless the person screamed at them or visibly cried. My observant ones are also painfully honest. They ask questions like, “Why is so and so’s mom always frowning? Why does their dad always sigh real loud?”
How do your children rate you? While I am not into making our children happy and comfortable. And I don’t think they have to have bubbly parents all the time. I also don’t think they should have to have grumbling, sighing parents all the time—while we tell them to straighten up and have good attitudes!
Have you ever thought of some of our adult behaviors through the eyes of our children? I imagine they see Dad sighing as the equivalent of their eye rolling. And Mom’s nagging as the equivalent of their complaining. Yet, they get reprimanded for those behaviors!
I know when Jacob tells me he’s glad I’m happy today, it is certainly time for a “Mommy check up.” How about it? Mad dad or glad dad? Mean mom or merry mom? Check it out—and change that behavior—before you get sent to your room!
by Donna | Feb 5, 2010
“There are games to be played, living room football to be conquered, talks to be had, words of affirmation to be spoken, talking books to be listened to, stories to be read, lessons to be learned, foods to be cooked, lego castles to be built, crafts to be made, tales to be told, songs to be sung, and hearts to be won. Turn off the television and turn on relationships.”
Curb Your Family’s Television Viewing—Part II of III
1. When you do watch movies and television, watch it together whenever possible. This will allow you to keep tabs on what your children are seeing/hearing, but it will also create opportunities for lively discussions. We love to talk about movies that we have watched. We love to quote lines from them back and forth to each other. Watching together allows you to share the entertainment, not just passively watch shows separately. (Obviously, we cannot do this all the time. The boys were on a Hogan’s Heroes (on dvd) kick with one of their sisters. They only watched it when the four of them could all watch it together—and Ray and I seldom joined them. We didn’t have the time then to devote to watching it, and we knew that they were watching it together, so that worked out well.) It will be more of an event than an everyday occasion if certain shows or time slots are dedicated to family television watching or movie watching rather than just evening free-for-alls.
2. Declare certain days “tv-less days.” If you cannot get rid of television programming all together, the “tv-less days” seems to be the next best thing to me. Decide what evenings/days are people’s least favorite days to watch something, and make those evenings no television evenings. Cover the television up—and don’t even consider turning it on. If you manage to have three evenings a week without television, you will likely cut your family’s viewing by one third, at least. Just imagine evenings together without anything distracting everybody. (If you do this, follow our family’s “replacement” rule—if you’re going to take something away from your kids, replace it with something else. More on this below!)
3. Replace television with something else—you! Years ago we went to a parenting seminar in which the speaker told a story of a dad who wanted to get rid of his family’s television. His children balked at the idea. He told them that he was taking away the television, but giving them something else. They asked him what this something else was, and he replied, “Me!” Everyday his children would call him at work, anxiously awaiting his arrival home. “What are we going to do tonight, Daddy?” And each day he gave his children something far more valuable than television; he gave them himself. Don’t just remove television, certain nights of tv viewing, or television time without replacing it. There are games to be played, living room football to be conquered, talks to be had, words of affirmation to be spoken, talking books to be listened to, stories to be read, lessons to be learned, foods to be cooked, lego castles to be built, crafts to be made, songs to be sung, and hearts to be won. Turn off the television and turn on relationships.
by Donna | Feb 2, 2010
“The best inheritance a person can give to his children is a few minutes of his time each day ” O. A. Battista
We have always tried to be home with our kids a few evenings a week—times that we could all just “be.” We have found that these semi-unscheduled times allow for the best conversations, character training, and heart string tying.
However, two years ago, our first daughter (and second child) moved five states away to college to work on a theology degree to add to her nursing degree. A few months later our second daughter (third child) got married. And yes, sadly, the wedding was followed by the third daughter leaving for college four states away. In a span of thirteen months, all three girls were gone. And to think that I thought I was so smart and clever by talking the first two girls into staying home and doing college locally! That plan quickly backfired when they all moved out in rapid succession!
With the departure of the first daughter, we found that simply having so many evenings a week together as a family wasn’t enough. We came to realize that our kids (especially our older kids) needed for us to be more flexible than we had been. (We have a home business and a family ministry, in addition to Ray’s full time job and homeschooling, so we often have to work in the evenings and on weekends.)
As the girls moved away, we needed more “flex” time in our schedule to talk to them on the phone, to sit down with Cami and Joseph and discuss marriage, to go to Joshua and Lisa’s and see them and be with them. Our kids, despite their “adult” ages, needed us. It was then that Ray and I looked at each other and realized that we needed “flex” time in our day—sixty minutes or more that was “flexible,” empty of anything scheduled. Time that wasn’t taken up with other things. Minutes that were just available for our kids to talk to us.
…Um….excuse me. One of the girls is calling…time for me to be “flexible” here! Smile…
Okay..I’m back. Wowsie, she is a sweet girl! We all miss her so much!
Anyway, I found that by knowing that I was going to give my kids an extra hour a day (besides the regular scheduled things that we often have with them, like family nights, work nights, read alouds, their activities, etc.), I did not feel so interrupted when I got called unexpectedly. Additionally, I sit down leisurely and call them just to chat. I know that most nights I will talk one-on-one with at least two of the grown kids and one of the boys (who are still at home). No rush. No schedule to keep. I have an hour a day for them. I am flexible….because I know my kids need me.
by Donna | Jan 29, 2010
“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye?” Matthew 7: 3 & 4
When I looked up this verse to include in today’s blog, I was reminded of last year when my cottage class students were to write their own “modern day” version of this passage. They were extremely creative with it, using “normal” things like sand and boulder or grain of wheat and loaf of bread; however, one student went a little overboard with the creativity when he wrote, “Why worry about the Spam in your friend’s eye when you have an entire hog in your own?” Wow, my students crack me up sometimes!
I want to share an exercise that has helped our family. Our associate pastor, Don Williams, and his wife (head of Renew Counseling Center at our church) recently spoke together on a Sunday morning about marriage. During this message, Nancy had everyone take a piece of paper and fold it in half. On the left side, you were to write a list of things that someone (i.e. your spouse, but we discussed this with our kids in terms of their relationships with each other, too) does that you do not like. Then on the right, you were to write your response to each of these acts (the way you usually respond).
Finally, you were to tear the page down the middle and throw away the half that listed your spouse’s (or sibling’s!) faults. But keep the list of your responses. That list is yours to work on.
Of course, we had a few moments of humor with this at the dinner table that day as Kara, our then-eighteen year old, announced that “it wasn’t hard for me to choose who to put on my page—or to think of the things HE does to annoy me….” with the three “he’s” sitting around wide-eyed, begging her to tell them which one of them she was referring to!
However, Nancy was exactly right. We cannot do anything about the list on the left. We cannot control that person. We cannot make that person change. We cannot “help” that person do the right thing. But we can control the list on the right. That is ours alone to conquer. That is a list of “to do” items—to change, to respond differently, to quit, to alter, to improve. That list needs to be our focus—not the other person’s list of faults that you made.
Ever since I can remember, Ray has coached the children in relationships in this way—you cannot control what the other person does, but you can control yourself. I hear him on the phone, weekly it seems, talking to one of the married kids or one of the college girls, reminding them of this truth. I listen as he tells the boys once again, that only you are responsible for your own actions—and you alone choose whether you want to invest in somebody (i.e. your sibling) or hurt that person.
Nancy’s exercise was a visible, tangible way to see this. When you rip up the other person’s faults and throw them away, you are symbolically and physically saying that you will not try to change that person. When you embrace the remaining list—the one that enumerates your faults (your negative responses), you are saying that you want to change—to do the next right thing, to work on that relationship—and your part in any negative aspects of it.
We must continually remind our children—and ourselves—to focus on our mistakes and not the mistakes of others. To be the first one to initiate reconciliation in relationships. To be the one who decides that this other person is more valuable than my being right. To be the type of person who works on the list on the right hand side of the page—and discards the list on the left.
