by Donna | Feb 25, 2010
“So please, oh, please, we beg, we pray.
Go throw your TV set away.
And in its place, you can install,
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.”
Roald Dahl, author of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Okay, true confession time. We have eighteen bookcases in our house and small schoolroom (in the garage) . We have well over a thousand books, though prior to ten years ago, when we sold half of everything we owned and moved to a small house, we had over two thousand books! (And yes, it is crowded with eighteen bookcases in fourteen hundred square feet, though some of those are small, stacked cubes.)
We have an extremely modest home and what many would call clunker vehicles—but we are rich with books. Our sixteen year old son just informed me that he is down to one pair of jeans that he washes and re-wears five days a week—yet we just bought him a fifteen hundred page book for literature and twenty new books for Christmas! Books are important to the Reishes!
Another true confession: when our older children were little, I read aloud to them three to six hours a day six days a week! (Ray and I combined did, actually.) My undergraduate degree was in elementary education and my master’s work was in Reading Education. I felt, and still do, that reading aloud to my children would do more for their spiritual and academic development than anything else I could do.
Research and book after book confirms what I believed about reading aloud to young children. “Research and practice show that one simple activity—reading aloud—is the best way to prepare children for learning to read and to keep them reading as they learn. Reading aloud helps your children develop the language skills that they will use in school and throughout their lives” (Reading Is Fundamental).
Obviously, people can give their children a good start without having a stay-at-home parent reading aloud to them for hours every day. And even parents who work full time can carve out the time to read to their children—if it is a priority. (Trust me, I have worked at least thirty hours a week for the past five years at home as a writer, editor, speaker, and cottage class teacher/tutor—and still made reading aloud a priority in our home. Other things had to fall by the way in order to make that happen—but again, that goes back to prioritizing and deciding that reading aloud is more important, than, say, a spotless house.)
As parents, we have to decide what we absolutely think are the most important things to us in our parenting and our family—and then we must commit to carrying those things out, even to the point of excluding other, less important things.
Reading aloud is one of those things worth doing. It is worth it for more reasons than this short post today. However, consider the following three advantages for now:
1. Heart tying between parent and child—My children and I have been drawn together through books and audios more than any other thing. When we’re all together except one child and that one shows up, I pipe up with “I knew there was another one” in reference to the missing mouse in Mouse House. I say one of the kids’ names over and over again then quote Adventures in Odyssey: “Josie, Josie, Josie. You are Josie, aren’t you?” If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, Curious George, Morris the Moose—all of these warm our hearts as we recollect them and the afternoons spent in Mommy’s bed sharing picture books.
2. Teaching spiritual concepts—our daily read aloud now with teens and tweens includes spiritual and character teaching from a variety of sources. Reading aloud then discussing the information helps my children grow in their faith and virtue. When my kids were all little, Bible stories and character stories filled their days through my reading aloud and providing audios of the same.
3. Building a love for learning and a love for reading—the single most influential factor in a child’s success in school is his or her love for learning. Love for learning begins in Mama’s chair during afternoon story time and Mother’s bed for early morning snuggles and books.
I am planning to review some books for read aloud for various ages—starting this weekend, so I wanted to introduce the idea of reading aloud—and reinforce its importance now. Throughout the year I will tackle various areas of reading aloud, such as:
1. Reading aloud to various ages
2. Fitting in read aloud time
3. Reading aloud with tweens and teens
4. The effect of reading aloud on “natural readers” and other reading progression in children
5. Using audio books as a family for “read aloud”
6. Bible and character read alouds
7. Reading aloud to build your child’s background of experience and listening comprehension (and the relationship of that to your child’s school success)
8. And much more!
So stay with us as we continue to learn how to parent our children positively—and give them a love for God, a conviction to help others, a curiosity and love for learning and growth, and godly character. We can do this Christian parenting thing—and we can even do it well with the right tools and the right priorities.
by Donna | Feb 19, 2010
“The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family.” Lee Iacocca
About a dozen years ago, we went to a parenting seminar (we never outgrew parenting seminars!) in which the teacher said that we should tell our kids that our family is the greatest and go on and on about how wonderful it is to be a member of our family. He even said, “When you are all in the vehicle and driving somewhere, say aloud, ‘Which family is the best family ever?’” Then we should all chant and yell, “Ours is!”
Ray and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. Was this teacher a mouse in our full sized van, “Big Blue”? Ever since we can remember, and certainly since our oldest children were preschoolers and primary age children, we always gathered in the van and shouted out how great our family was, how glad we are to be a part of it, etc.
“Which family is the best family ever?”
“Ours is!”
“Who loves to be in our family?”
“We do!”
“Who has the best brothers and sisters?”
“I do!”
It sounds a little strange to read it—and unless you were there in our van with happy, giggling children and overjoyed parents, you can’t fully appreciate those wonderful times. But they were wonderful.
Children have a tendency to believe whatever they are told. So let’s tell them good things! How much better to start them off with a positive outlook on their family than on a complaining “other people have it better than I do” attitude that is so prevalent among kids today.
Our children always believed that we had an awesome family, in part because we “chanted” it (!) and in part because we did! We tried to do the many “positive parenting strategies” that I have been writing about. And we told them—frankly, that God has truly blessed us with a family and a Savior.
We wanted them to be happy that they were born into the Reish family. We wanted them to see how blessed they were to have such incredible siblings. We wanted them to appreciate their parents, who were dedicating a huge portion of their lives to raising them in the best environment we could create.
Maybe yelling out how blessed your family is seems awkward to you. However, we can all use a little more thankfulness and a little less complaining. And our children can certainly benefit from seeing us be grateful and happy that God has given us each other. Something as small as, “I am so happy that God gave us each other” or “We are certainly blessed to have the family we do” is a good place for us parents to start.
Obviously, it takes a lot more than chanting to create a happy home. But verbalizing our blessings can be a part of the making of a happy home. And convincing our children from the earliest ages that they truly are fortunate to be born into our family is a great way to get them on our team from the beginning.
by Donna | Feb 17, 2010
Piglet sidled up to Pooh. “Pooh!” he whispered.
“Yes, Piglet?”
“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw. I just wanted to be sure of you.”
A.A. Milne
One way that we have tried to have one-on-one conversations with our children, in spite of there being seven of them, is to take a child with us in the vehicle whenever possible. We began this custom when we just had three small children, making it a point to always “take whomever had shoes on” with us when one of us ran an errand.
Through the years, our custom has become a little more sophisticated (especially now that the kids are older and not always available to go run errands). Now we focus not on who has shoes on but rather on who needs Mom or Dad the most at that time. It is not uncommon for us to discuss the week in terms of kids’ needs and for one of us to say, “Why don’t you have ______ ride up with you to see your mom Wednesday night, so the two of you have a chance to talk about that.” Whatever that might be.
Of course, good discussion can also take place in the vehicle with more than one child with you. We had three girls in a row followed by three boys in a row (after our first child, a boy). This made it particularly good for talking in groups, and it wasn’t uncommon for the boys and Dad to have “Daddy talks” while en route places. (And I could never disclose the contents of those talks!)
Sometimes deep discussions did not take place. Sometimes we just talked about what we saw outside (more on that tomorrow!). Other times, it was just like the quote above by AA Milne—and the child just needed to “be sure of us.”
In case you think that taking a child one-at-a-time is still not that important, let me leave you with this thought: We have had children repent of deceit, cry their eyes out over a broken heart, and even accept Christ as their Savior in a vehicle, one-on-one with Mom and/or Dad. We actually had our oldest child reveal to the two of us whom he thought he wanted to marry (and he did several months later) in the drive-through of a fast food restaurant. Never underestimate time spent with Dad and Mom alone doing something as mundane as running errands!
by Donna | Feb 16, 2010
This might seem like it is a day or two late, but it really isn’t. You see, when we had Valentine’s parties (or any “holiday” party) with our kids, we always did it a few days after the holiday—so we could get the candy and treats for 50-75% off! So…it really isn’t too late to have a party with your kids for Valentine’s Day!
One of the things that we tried to do with our kids for celebrations (or just “anytime parties”) is that we tried to go out of our way to make being with Mom, Dad, and brothers, and sisters cool. Our kids see us go to great lengths to prepare for a Sunday school class party, Mary Kay party, or extended family party. We put thought and effort into having “parties” with our kids—so they wanted to stay home and party with their family–and so that they would know that they are as important (more so!) than the Sunday school class, the gals at the make up party, or the reunion.
We have fond memories of communion nights, footwashings, Valentine parties, Easter celebrations, fondue parties, “flat top grill” parties, and more with our children. Being in our family was just plain fun and way cool! Some times we would just announce to the kids that “tonight, we’re having a movie party” or “tonight, we’re having a chocolate party” or “tonight, we’re having a game party.”
It may have been as simple as frozen pizza and a movie or as elaborate as a fondue meal that Mom and the littles spent the afternoon preparing for. It may have been for a holiday (after the holiday!) or just because we wanted our kids to stay home with us on a Saturday night instead of running around with friends. (We’re not opposed to friends, but the more time we spent with our kids the more WE would influence them rather than peers influencing them.)
I will list some ideas for a homemade Valentine’s Party—some that we have done and some that I have read about or heard of.
1. Write love notes to each other. Okay..I can write this one without crying…I really can. Some of my fondest memories are the times that we sat down and had the kids write notes to each other. Okay…forget the not crying thing. Talk about incredibly sweet and memory-imbedding! We drew names and sat down and listened to the true Valentine’s story on cassette (Adventures in Odyssey) and wrote love notes to each other. I still have some of them! We had the little kids dictate to us. One of the funniest ones: one of the little boys wrote, “Dear Kayla, I love you so much because you have skinny arms.”
2. Have fun foods! This is especially important as your kids get older. After all, what do they have when they go out with friends or to youth group? Pizza, Taco Bell, mall snacks. As our kids got older, we got more elaborate with our party foods. When the two oldest girls were college age and crazy about Flat Top Grill when it first opened in Fort Wayne, one of our Valentine’s parties was a flat top grill night. (It was tons of work to prepare for, but the older kids loved this!) We had meats, veggies, and pita breads all ready—and had griddles and electric skillets all set up on the table. It was quite the feast!
3. Do something for others. Preparing Valentine’s cookie baskets or bath baskets for nursing home residents, etc. is a great way to spend a party—and helps others too.
4. Wait until after the holiday to have your party, so you can get some cool party treats for fifty to seventy-five percent off! With seven children, buying elaborate Easter baskets or Valentine’s hearts was usually out of the question. However, after the holiday, we could go get things for a lot less and still give them special treats.
5. Spend your Valentine’s Day showing love to those less fortunate. For the past several years, we have spent time on or around Valentine’s Day serving a Valentine’s banquet (and sometimes cooking it or helping to cook it) for adults with cognitive disabilities through our daughter’s disability ministry (One Heart). We often do things to prepare for it (cookie making, set up, preparing a special drama, etc.) then serve at it. Valentine’s Day is about love…and what better way to show love than to live out Luke fourteen.
6. Get a special movie, audio, or talking books to listen to or watch together for your Valentine’s party. We love Adventures in Oddysey and other radio dramas put out by Focus on the Family; the Christian bookstore (and Hallmark) have some good movies about unconditional love, etc. that are appropriate for this holiday.
7. Write various verses about love on large hearts cut of construction paper, cut each one in half in various zig-zags, mix them up, and pass out a half a heart to each person. That person then finds his other half, reads, the verse, and discusses it with the family.
8. Sing Scripture songs about love. Once we had piano players around here, we loved to gather around the piano and sing. None of us is too musical (except the two pianists), but we all loved it anyway.
Party with your kids—and make them want to stay home more!
by Donna | Feb 14, 2010
I have talked for the past week about praising your children–praise them specifically; sincerely; and in a character-based, non-outcome-based manner. AND using praise as incentive and motivation for positive behaviors in preschoolers. Today, in lieu of a review, I want to give some links to some things that you might find helpful.
One way that we encouraged our children is with what we called “lunch box notes.” (I mentioned earlier about my then-sixteen-year-old son exchanging sixteen cents various times–a penny for our thoughts, a nickel for a hug, and a dime if you tell me that you love me; that was actually borne out of his dad and I leaving lunch box notes around the for children.) Anyway, these notes (or any notes, really) can be tucked in their lunch boxes, left in the bathroom for when they go in to get ready in the morning, placed in book bags and back packs, clipped to notebooks–anywhere that that child might see them.
We used ones that had a message on the front–and then we wrote a note to the child on the back that explained the front. For example, if the front said “You are a star reader,” we would write a note on the back telling the child how proud we were that he was reading chapter books now–and how we saw him work so hard to get through that first one, etc.
Personally, we kept them in a little basket in our bathroom–and strove to each write two or three a week for a couple of years. (That woud be a good thing for me to do with my three guys now!) If one of us got out of the habit, we would remind the other–don’t forget the notes in the bathroom. We would also point out things that we each saw, to remind each other of what to say. (The kids really love that–if they know that Dad has been telling mom how many free throws he is now making at night in the drive way or that Mom told Dad how fast he is getting his morning routine done in the mornings now–sort of that “public praise worth twice as much” that I talked about last week.)
Anyway, I’m sure you can purchase these at Christian bookstores or teaching supply stores, but I will post some links below–some for ones that you can print offline, some you can purchase then print off line, and some you can order hard copies of. Of course, if you are computer-savvy, you could create your own, as well.
Enjoy praising and encouraging your children this week!
Printable: https://www.activityvillage.co.uk/lunch_box_notes.htm
Printable: https://printables.familyeducation.com/lunchbox-notes/lunch/58189.html?WT.mc_id=SOP_2008-09-22_email
Pre-printed: https://www.amazon.com/Hugs-Lunch-Box-Focus-Family/dp/0784713634%3FSubscriptionId%3D14H876SFAKFS0EHBYQ02%26tag%3Dthesoma-20%26linkCode%3Dxm2%26camp%3D2025%26creative%3D165953%26creativeASIN%3D0784713634
Book about leaving teen daughter notes: https://www.amazon.com/Lunch-Bag-Notes-Everyday-Daughter/dp/0829420606%3FSubscriptionId%3D14H876SFAKFS0EHBYQ02%26tag%3Dhubp0c9-20%26linkCode%3Dxm2%26camp%3D2025%26creative%3D165953%26creativeASIN%3D0829420606
Another book about writing notes of encouragement for children: https://www.amazon.com/Lunch-Box-Letters-Encouragement-Children/dp/1552095266%3FSubscriptionId%3D14H876SFAKFS0EHBYQ02%26tag%3Dhubpages-20%26linkCode%3Dxm2%26camp%3D2025%26creative%3D165953%26creativeASIN%3D1552095266
More printables: https://www.youthonline.ca/stationery/lunchboxnotes/
by Donna | Feb 13, 2010
“If you’re sincere, praise is effective. If you’re insincere, it’s manipulative.”
Zig Zigler
Yesterday I talked about how preschoolers respond to praise. Older children can also respond to praise, but they are much more discriminating in the types of, frequency of, and giver of praise.
Research has shown that children seven and under are not so selective about the praise they receive. They often respond to most praise and do not readily see the sincerity or insincerity of the “praiser.” However, children older than this (and this is extremely relative because if children are allowed to be children longer, they keep their innocence and sweet naivety longer) are not so ready to buy the praise lines of everybody.
Older children who perceive that you are insincerely praising them often mistake that praise for pity. They think that you are praising them because you feel sorry for them or think they cannot accomplish things (Henderlong and Lepper 2002). They also often think that when an adult is syrupy with praise, he or she is trying to manipulate (Meyer 1992).
I have seen this borne out with my children. A couple of my children have as their primary love language (more on that later!) words of affirmation. They love to affirm others—and they love to receive affirmation. Because this is their love language, the praise they receive always had to be “just so.” If I just told them they were the greatest fourteen year old daughter or the most amazing sixteen year old son, they would often respond with “You have to say that; you’re my mom.” General, sweeping, effusive praise did not work on these kids! They also sensed that when I would give general praise I was avoiding the specific: “You’re saying I ‘was awesome’ because you thought my speech needed work in the middle.” And they were usually right!
Overpraising a child has the same effect as sweeping, general praise. My kids once had an art teacher who would always start her critique of their work with, “This is just perfect!” Then she would tell them what they needed to work on and what they should change. My “discriminating praise receiver” would go crazy over this: “It can’t be ‘perfect’ or else there wouldn’t be anything to change.” This teacher was outstanding, just a little too sweet! She couldn’t bear the thought of telling a student what he or she needed to work on, so she tried to soften the criticism with “perfect praise,” which does not work well on older kids.
I try to remember this with my writing students. I tell them specifics that are good—good transitions; strong thesis statement; outstanding quotation and double quotation use, etc. And I tell them specifics that need improvement: the main topic of your report is redundant—make a synonym or similar words list to fix that; you can’t join two sentences as one with a comma only; etc. They respond to the specific, sincere praise of the aspects of their paper that they truly did well in. And they respond to the aspects of their paper that they need to work on more readily.
Besides the “you’re perfect” praise, we have to watch for any generalities that simply cannot be true. These include phrasing such as “You are the best colorer in the world,” “There is nobody who can play the piano like you,” etc. Only in extremely rare cases would this be true. We would be better off telling the child that he is being so detailed and careful to stay in the lines that well or that we can really tell that he practiced all of his songs diligently this week—his music sounds terrific.
Finally, overpraise is interpreted as insincere praise. We all know the parent who dotes on her child, commenting about every move the child makes: “You are the best slider in the entire park! Oh, my, you run so fast. There isn’t any little boy who can run as fast as you. Look at those dimples. You are the cutest kid in your preschool!” Now, that might or might not work with a preschooler, but it isn’t healthy regardless of the age and definitely does not work for tweens and teens.
For one thing, the praise is not meaningful because everything the child does cannot be that wonderful! (Okay, I sometimes think everything my kids do is wonderful, but generally speaking, most kids are not great all the time!) For another thing, the child will be so used to hearing that everything is great, that he or she will not be able to tell when something is really good. Lastly, overpraising forces us to lie to our children.
Again, specific, character-driven, process-based, non-constant, genuine, non-syrupy praise works best on older kids. We want to encourage our children in excellence, help them develop the skills and talents they have been given, and endear them to us. Purposeful, honest praise can help us do those things.
