by Donna | Mar 11, 2010
Recipe for Rebellion
Rules Without Reasons
Rules Without Response
Rules Without Repetition
Rules Without Relationship
INGREDIENT #2: RULES WITHOUT RESPONSE (cont.)
The godly appeal, as mentioned yesterday, is a non-argumentative, non-confrontational way for our children to express their disagreement with our rules for them. It opens doors of communication that would literally be slammed in our children’s faces if we just tell them to “do what I say; I don’t want to hear about it.” It gives our teens more of a sense of control in their lives—and provides multiple teaching opportunities for us (which our teens can, in turn, apply to other situations in their lives).
In the godly appeal, if a child does not agree with something, he asks respectfully if he may appeal. We had our children use those exact words: “May I appeal?” At that time, the parent gives one of three answers: yes, no, or later. The child then must accept that answer (not argue, beg, etc.). If the answer is yes, the appeal is heard and considered by the parents. Sometimes this is in front of other siblings. Many times it is not, depending on the subject being appealed, who it applies to, and the intensity of the child’s appeal.
If the answer is no, the matter is dropped, though it may be brought up later, when more information is gathered or when the time is more appropriate (i.e. not in the heat of an argument or not when parents are unable to deal with it right then, etc.).
If the answer is later, the child may bring it up at another, more convenient, time. (Sometimes we even told our children that they may appeal tomorrow or next week when we are not traveling or not in the middle of a big project, etc.)
There are some guidelines that make the godly appeal successful:
1. If the appeal is disrespectful or done in anger, it is turned down immediately.
2. If the appeal is a series of whines and complaints, rather than a truly godly appeal, it is turned down.
3. If a child begins disagreeing a lot or constantly trying to appeal, the appeal process is terminated for a period of time until that person learns to accept Mom and Dad’s rules more often than not. (More about kids being characterized by cooperation “more often than not” later.)
4. If the appeal process becomes an argument, it is ended.
5. If the person appealing is turned down, but later has more information (“new evidence”), he may re-appeal that topic.
6. The appeal is truly listened to and thought through by Mom and Dad. Do not pretend to listen to appeals, but not regard your children’s pleas. This is another “Recipe for Rebellion” in itself. (Kids know if the appeal process is just a formality and you are not truly listening to them.)
7. The person appealing is not constantly interrupted by Mom and Dad with justifications. The child should not be patronized during an appeal, but carefully listened to and respected.
8. Once the answer to the appeal is given, the matter must be dropped for the time being. Granted, it might need re-visited, but to continue the appeal once an answer is given is arguing, not appealing.
9. Parents must agree on the answer to the appeal at the time. Later, behind closed doors, discussion between Mom and Dad may need to take place, but in front of the child, a united front is imperative.
The appeal process is a privilege for mature children. It should not be used by children who complain and grumble all of the time. It should not be used as a “formal means” of arguing. (The words, “May I appeal,” should not be substituted for the child’s normal means of disagreeing as an attempt to begin “discussion and arguments.”) A child should have godly character and be characterized by (“known by”) submission and obedience in order to utilize this relational tool. It is an avenue by which children and teens who readily accept the family’s rules may disagree respectfully and be heard.
When discussing these concepts recently with our grown son Joshua (married; twenty-seven), it was interesting to us to note that he said that he did not mind our rules—even if he disagreed with them. According to him, the reason he did what we wanted him to do (outside of love—see “Rules Without Relationship” in a couple of days) during any of our less-than-rational-rule-time is because no matter what rule we made, what standard we expected, or what behavior we demanded, we always listened to him.
According to him, even if we did not change the rule or expected result, we still let him talk and let him disagree with us (via the appeal process). He noted that it didn’t matter if we followed his suggestions, just the fact that we were listening to him made all the difference in the world. According to him, we did not give him freedom to do as he pleased when he disagreed with something, but we did give him intellectual freedom–the freedom to think and to question us. That alone makes the appeal process in our home so important to us.
Note: Information for this post was excerpted from The Well-Trained Heart and was gleaned from the following original source: “How to Make an Appeal.” Oak Brook, Illinois: IBLP, 1990. Printed Booklet.
by Donna | Mar 9, 2010
Recipe for Rebellion
Rules Without Reasons
Rules Without Response
Rules Without Repetition
Rules Without Relationship
Through many trial and error situations in parenting our first couple of kids as they entered the teen years, we have determined four key ingredients that cause teens to rebel—Reishes’ Recipe for Rebellion. I will share these ingredients, one at a time this week and into next week, as PP 3*6*5 focuses on raising teens in a Christian home this week—and the pitfalls to avoid.
Ingredient #1: RULES WITHOUT REASONS
As indicated in various posts of this Positive Parenting 3*6*5 blog, we have believed in giving our children the reasons for our requests and rules (as long as the children are not demanding them), mostly due to embracing Kevin Leman’s* writings, which we discovered early in our parenting. However, we did not realize the importance of our rules and requests being logical and understandable to our kids until after we began debate. Through our experience with teaching our children public speaking and debate (and through judging hundreds of competitions), we learned that not only should we give our children the reasons for our rules if possible, but that those reasons should be logical, scriptural, and understandable.
In other words, it is not enough to tell our kids yes or no and then add “because I told you so.” This goes back to the Preventive Parenting techniques that we have introduced earlier in this blog. One way to prevent problems before they begin is to explain the reasons behind your rules and requests to your children.
Many authoritarian parents do not believe that they should have to do this. After all, we are the parents and they are the children. While you would be hard pressed to find parents who require obedience and respect much more than my husband and I do, we do not buy into the “I am the parent, so the child should do it” mindset—without explanation and teaching concerning the rules we make.
Why? For a number of reasons:
1. That is not how God deals with us! His Word is a gold mine of reasons and explanations to us of why He wants us to do what He wants us to do. He is tender, long suffering, and patient with us. He does demand our obedience, but He does not say that it is “because I told you so.” Rather He says that it is “to help us grow in our faith,” “to keep weaker brethren from stumbling,” “to show that we love Him,” “to be a light to the world,” and on and on. One explanation after another; multiple cause and effect scenarios are presented.
2. It does not help our children “own” the lifestyle choices and rules we are making. You cannot own something of which you do not understand. When we tell our children to live this way or that because we are the parents and we demand it, we are not helping them to develop their own belief system in the future. In essence, we are not giving them learning hooks on which to hook old information, new information, and future information—to utilize when they need to make decisions for themselves. (See https://www.facebook.com/#!/notes/positive-parenting-365/day-fifty-four-create-learning-hooks-for-your-children-by-explaining-expectation/323633071871 )
3. It is aggravating for the child. Ephesians 6:4 says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” We as adults know how exasperating it is to work for someone who makes demands but does not give explanations. Our children often feel the same way with us. The Bible makes it clear that we have the potential to give our children life-giving truths (Proverbs tells us over and over to teach our kids God’s ways) or demanding, “aggravating” commands (without explanations).
That is the first ingredient in the Recipe for Rebellion—Rules Without Reasons. It is removed from our “ingredient” list for parenting quite simply—and can be replaced with explanations, teaching, and instructions that will stay with our children a lifetime.
Stay tuned tomorrow for the second ingredient—Rules Without Response. You will be surprised how harmful this ingredient is—and how you can allow your children to discuss rules with you and win their love and respect in the process.
* Leman, Kevin. Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. New York: Dell Publishing Company, 1987.
Note: The Recipe for Rebellion and other teen information this week is being excerpted, in part, from our parenting book The Well-Trained Heart, available at our store.
by Donna | Mar 8, 2010
“Nothing could have prepared me for parenting….”
Long, fussy nights. Evenings walking the floor trying to solve the problem, then finally making room for the “angelic being” at the foot of my bed. Afternoons filled with needs that I could humanly never meet…..anxiety, fussiness, tear-filled moments, overwhelming joy, laughter.
Nights with two, three, four, or five of them all needing Mom and Dad at the same time….all gathered in our room, some half asleep, others needing consoled or comforted. Nights in which Ray would finally drift off to sleep by midnight, only to wake up at four to take off for work and find the needy one still in our bed.
Yes, it’s very true….nothing could have prepared me for parenting………….…….teens and young adults. (Long ellipses intended!)
If you began reading the above paragraph thinking I was describing parenting babies, I tricked you! I can remember when I had six children twelve and under (ten years ago!), and I thought parenting babies and toddlers was so challenging. I was tired, overwhelmed, and overworked. I thought it would be so much easier in a dozen years. Ha!
Recently we had a wave of “overwhelming parenting days” with our teens and young adults. Nothing too big, nothing too out of the ordinary…just six “kids” twelve through twenty-two needing their parents all at the same time. Prior to the last few years, I had no idea that parenting teens and young adults took so much emotional energy AND so much time.
Ray spent one evening with J and Lisa, giving them advice. I was with the two oldest girls that same evening, going over the camp they hosted for young ladies, followed by getting Cami off to serve at Joni and Friends and phone calls with updates and prayer needs a couple of times a day.
We met with Kayla and some missionaries and a missions director (two different meetings)—along with some long, heart-felt talks with just the three of us and dinner out.
Jonathan needed help getting his “responsibility” level up to his “ability” level. (I’m sure you can figure that out for yourself!)
Kara went away to debate camp and didn’t have Mom or big sisters there to encourage her every hour—and I ended up talking on the phone with her two to five times a day and emailing her at least twenty times a day!
It was a tiring week. Every hour of each evening the phone seemed to ring or we were tied up with one of the older children—or both.
At the end of the week, Ray and I fell into bed and discussed how challenging our parenting is right now—how many needs there are and how inadequate we feel to meet them—and I said, “You know what? These kids are consuming our lives!”
We looked at each other and broke out into laughter as we both said, “No duh—that’s what they’re supposed to do!”
It was good to laugh about it. For only two days later, I was in a heap of tears over it again, feeling like I was making mistakes, worrying about different things, and generally overwhelmed—much like I used to feel twelve years ago—only worse—I’m older and, well, hormonal!
Twelve years ago, we put them in their beds if they threw food from the high chair. Twelve years ago, they couldn’t have their ice cream if they didn’t eat their vegetables. Twelve years ago, we overloaded the newborn with colic drops and took turns walking the floor—but it didn’t seem as “life-long” or “life-shaping” as today’s parenting issues are.
I used to cry because I was tired. Now I lie awake—and make myself more tired—worrying and praying over our teens and young adults. I used to think I was a bad parent if my kids had bad behavior. Now I think I’m a bad parent if I don’t “look into the future” and see their needs before they arise. I used to worry that they didn’t do enough math, now I worry that they aren’t doing enough praying!
Then I get thankful….thankful that I’m crying because I miss my fourteen year old so much while she’s at debate camp that I’m considering driving the four hours to pick her up and bring her home to Mama. Thankful that my seventeen year old’s greatest need this week is trying to witness to an unsaved fellow counselor at the deaf children’s camp—and keeping the teenage boys from trying to “go with her.” (I’m not sure where they want to go with her!) Thankful that my nineteen year old isn’t into drugs….but is so into Jesus, she can’t decide when, where, and how to get on the field and bring the lost to Him. Thankful that our married son is such a diligent worker and so sensitive about things that he wants to talk to Ray for hours. Thankful that we have the issues we do have…instead of other issues that are way too heavy for me.
So….here Ray and I go again…doing what we always do when things are rough…regrouping, laughing, holding each other, praying, talking through everything, misunderstanding each other (then making up!), spending huge amounts of time talking to our kids. Sure, parenting at any age is tough, but as I said before, nothing could have prepared me to parent……………..….teens and young adults!
This week I will be doing a week-long series about teens, entitled “Reishes’ Recipe for Rebellion”—and what ingredients we want to be sure to NOT include in the parenting of our teens. I pray that you will be blessed and helped by it as much as we have from the teachings we have received that led up to our developing it.
Note: This article was reprinted in part from one of our 2005 newsletters.
by Donna | Mar 1, 2010
“He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?” (Micah 6:8).
Many years ago Ray’s mentor gave him a bull’s eye with relationships listed in the rings. The inner most ring was God, then wife/parents, then children, then extended family, then church, then world. It was this hierarchy:
God
Wife (or parents if not married)
Children (or siblings if not grown)
Extended family
Church
World
Obviously, the last three encompass many, many people—and they have hierarchical relationships within them as well. But in a nutshell, the advice was this: When you have problems with a relationship, look at the relationship directly inside (on the bull’s eye—up one on our list above) to see what the problems are there first. Oftentimes, solving the inner problem will also solve, or at least help solve, the outer one.
For example, if my children are showing disrespect to me, I can look at how I am respecting or not respecting Ray, the inner circle on the bull’s eye that is previous to “children.” If I cannot get along with somebody at work (world), I can probably see that same problem, or a similar one, with the church, or fellow believers, in my life.
For us, this advice was a sign to always look at solving problems closer to us to help our outer relationships. It provided a tool that forced us to think about all of our relationships and their affect on any problem ones.
So many times we have used this bull’s eye hierarchy, examined our relationship with each other, then were able to peacefully resolve the problem with the child or children in question.
Obviously, it is not always the case. And certainly looking at a bull’s eye is not a sure way to solve problems. But if one of our children is stubborn towards us, “the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree.” Sometimes straightening our kids up is just a matter of straightening ourselves up.
by Donna | Feb 27, 2010
“There is more treasure in books than in all the pirate’s loot on Treasure Island.” Walt Disney
The question has come up about what our children do when we read aloud. Do they just sit for an hour and listen? Do they play quietly and listen? I will spend today’s blog answering this question–and close with another “Joshua” story.
We used a “bus stop approach” with our children for a lot of our read alouds. With that, we start with the easiest books that we are doing that day (with pictures), and the littles sitting close to me while the olders are around listening but not right there on the sofa, necessarily. Then, the littles “get off the bus” as we move into harder materials (i.e. out of a picture book and into something harder, like a biography or an adventure story chapter book). The littles then can stay and listen and color, play with little figures, build legoes, etc. They do not have to stay–and they can do quiet activities if they do stay. We continued in this manner, “dropping kids off at the bus stop” as the materials got harder and harder.
Now that is when we did/do a full hour or more of various books. When we just read aloud from a chapter book, the kids who can do other things and still listen, often do (our littlest peels potatoes, cuts up apples, snaps green beans, etc. while I read aloud!). (We have had a couple of kids who always chose to just listen; their listening comprehension was not strong enough to multi task like that.) The girls would often quilt, work on their newsletter for young girls (laying it out on the computer), etc. This is the way we do audio books as well (everybody listening while building with legoes or putting together a puzzle, Dad bill paying; Mom editing; etc.).
With story time (picture books only with under twelves), we are usually snuggled in Mom’s bed doing a stack of story books–and each child gets to pick once, except the “child of the day,” who chooses two–the first one and the last one.
Additionally, we would often do a book one-on-one with a child for “discipleship time.” For example, Dad and one of the boys would do a book about manhood. Dad and a daughter would do a book, such as What Every Daughter Wants Her Dad to Know (not sure of the exact title, sorry!). Mom and a daughter would do a purity book (like Elisabeth Eliot’s Passion and Purity). During these times, we just sat close and read and talked (not doing other things while listening).
There is no right and wrong way to do read alouds, and you will certainly want to do what fits with your family dynamics. Read aloud has given our family great joy–and I am so grateful that we were introduced to this type of parenting twenty-seven years ago when Joshua was a baby. Thank-you, Lord!
Now, my “Joshua” story. When Joshua was around twelve, he decided that he was too old for afternoon story time. (Our children still listen during our Bible/character read aloud regardless of their ages, but the kids do eventually graduate from story time since it is mostly picture books.) As story time rolled around, and we all gathered in my bed, I asked him if he was sure that he didn’t want to join us. “No, I’ll just stay out in the living room and read my book.”
We started in with our first picture book, then the second. Before I knew it, I saw a shadow in the hallway. Joshua was standing in the hall–down a ways, but still within earshot of our reading. By the fourth book, he was standing outside the doorway. A little later, he was sitting on the floor inside the doorway. I asked him if he wanted to join us: “No, I’ll just rest on the end of the bed. I’m tired.” So he lay across the foot of the bed…and you guessed it, before the end of story time, he was snuggled up with us enjoying afternoon story time! Today, if he stops by the house, and we’re lying in bed reading, he will still drape himself across the foot of the bed and just listen and smile…and that make me smile now, too–and cry, of course, as well.
by Donna | Feb 26, 2010
“Because what you read when you are a child stays with you like no other reading you do in your life.” from You’ve Got Mail
Even die hard read-alouders have a tendency to stop reading aloud after their children turn a certain age. While the child at age twelve can read for himself. And while he might not be available to snuggle and read like he was when he was six. Reading aloud can be a life-long family affair!
We still read aloud to our grown children at Christmastime! We have certain Christmas stories that are endeared to all of us that we enjoy every year during tree trimming night and our family’s Christmas Eve. We listen to audio books with our teens and young adults when we travel together. And I still read aloud to our teens most mornings.
We have two different regular reading times with our teens now—Bible/character (devotional type materials; followed by our current chapter book read aloud) and history (for our homeschool). (I also have story time with Jakie, who is eleven, but the two other boys are usually working on order filling or doing their own assignments.) Since our kids do not leave the house each day for school, we have more time to just sit down and read before they start on their independent subjects or meet with me for subjects. However, even busy families with children who leave for school each day can fit in some special read aloud time—if it is a priority.
Additionally, we are almost always in the middle of an audio book together with the three boys, Mom, and Dad or a chapter book that we do together. It might take a while for us to get through an entire chapter book, but it’s always there for us to pick up and share together.
Tomorrow I will post a dozen tips for reading aloud to tweens and teens, but for now I have to leave you with a sweet, sweet story that just recently happened—related to our family reading. Not long ago my twenty-seven year old married son and I got home from teaching our classes, and as he was waiting for his wife to pick him up on her way by, he spotted the Uncle Arthur’s Bedtime Story that I read to Jakie lying on my table. (I used to read this five-volume series of character stories to our older kids every single day for at least ten years—and we carried one in the van with us for “those extra reading moments” we might encounter.)
Anyway, he picked it up and started leafing through it, commenting on the pictures and stories: “Every time I hear about an English constable, I think of this picture right here.” “Did you know that no matter how many scenes from movies, pictures from magazines, and descriptions I hear of crocodiles, when I think of a crocodile, I automatically think of “Swami and the Crocodile” and remember how he didn’t get eaten because the crocodile spat him out to save for later?” On and on and on he went, with me barely able to hold back the tears. He suddenly left the room and went to the bookcase and got the other four volumes and brought them back to the room and for an hour just pored over these books, telling me his favorites, what he remembered most about each story, etc. etc. for an hour. And this from a literature buff—whose favorite book is fifteen hundred pages long! Yet, he still loves Uncle Arthur. I think Meg Ryan was on to something in You’ve Got Mail when she said, “Because what you read when you are a child stays with you like no other reading you do in your life.”
