by Donna | Jul 9, 2010
Jakie turned twelve—and, much to his joy–it was the birthday that never ended! I tried to drag it out, take him to breakfast the day before, take him shopping to let him choose his toy, go to grandparents’ close to the actual day, have his grown siblings over, talk about it a lot, have Dad fix birthday breakfast, etc. as Jacob had been having a lonely time with his three next older siblings all gone that particular week.
When we asked him what he wanted to do for this birthday, he said two things: (1) play basketball with a group of people in a gym (still working on that one); and (2) have all of his siblings (who were not gone this summer) over and do things together. We are doing the latter this afternoon. His two married siblings and their spouses, our missionary daughter who is home itinerating, and Josiah (our fifteen year old) will all be there.
When Jacob said he wanted everybody here for his birthday, he wasn’t talking about presents (we don’t do sibling gift exchanges for birthdays) or even outings/activities. He was referring to the birthday affirmations he would receive.
As our kids have grown up, we have used birthdays, successes in different things, etc. to teach our kids to affirm each other. Besides our normal, “Three cheers for _______. Hip hip hooray. Hip hip hooray. Hip hip hooray,” we often have times in which we just affirm the person—tell the good qualities that we appreciate in that person. Yes, the “affirmed one” is often embarrassed and a little shy—but these affirmations have come to mean so much to the one receiving them (thus, Jacob’s desire to have “everyone here like we used to”).
I think this type of thing is one of the reasons Kevin Leman recommends in one of his books that birthdays be spent at home together—not in large group parties or out on the town. While you can certainly have a peer party or family outing for a birthday, we recommend that you take the time at home around the birthday child’s special day to affirm and encourage the celebrant.
Tomorrow I will give a list (of course!) of birthday affirmation ideas. In the meantime, birthday or not, go tell one of your kids one thing you love about him or her….you will be glad you did.
by Donna | Jul 2, 2010
I have another reading blog already to post, but I have to stop for a few minutes and remind all of you with little ones to enjoy every moment of it. I know, I know…I say it all the time—and others said it to me twenty years ago. However, I didn’t always believe them. I was sure that the fourteen+ years out of seventeen that I was either pregnant and/or nursing would last forever. I was sure I would never have any “time to myself” in this life. I was sure that little people would always need me—and I would always be exhausted.
I was wrong. And if you think that, you are wrong too. And I sit here in an empty house tonight all alone as a reminder of how wrong that thinking is.
We have three kids still “at home”—one amazing son who is a senior in high school this fall (who is traveling all summer with a drama ministry team); one a sophomore in the fall (who is usually home working in our publishing company and being his normal, wonderful self but is gone this week working with our son-in-law); and one precious little guy who will be twelve years old tomorrow (who is gone right now out on the town celebrating with his big sister who is home for a while itinerating for her full time missionary appointment she recently received).
So tonight it’s just me and Ray—a moment I dreamed of for so many years and one that happens with fair amount of frequency lately. It is nice to talk interrupted, to run over to our dance studio and practice dance steps, to pop a movie in and laugh and be together. However, as Ray returns Training for Triumph calls in the next room and I sit down to write love notes on my kids’ Facebook walls, all I can do is cry.
It’s strange, really, as I love this season of life so much. Ray and I invested literally years of our lives into our kids’ lives—and now we get to reap the rewards. We get to have relationships with teenagers and young adults that many just dream of having. We get to continue to help guide and direct the lives of our five kids who are eighteen to twenty-seven in such amazing ways—because they ask us to and want us to. And no, everything isn’t always perfect, but the relationships are there—and that is what we have strived for during all of our parenting years.
Yet something still makes me teary-eyed (okay, downright weepy!) this week (besides hormones!). It is that longing for days gone by—only the good times, of course. Only the easy, fun, rewarding times. Not the hard, long, demanding ones.
And I know that, that is part of it. When I look back in years gone by, I only remember all of the “romantic times,” if you will. The half hour plus spent most everyday on the sofa French braiding and “pontytailing” three little girls in a row. The late nights gathered in our bedroom with four teenagers laughing and carrying on. The moments early in the morning with a baby at the breast and a toddler holding a book, ready for early morning reading. The sweetness, the smiles, the laughter, the games, the singing, the reading, the kindness, the light bulb moments—those times that make me so glad that we did what we have done for the past twenty-seven years—those times that make me heart-sick for days gone by.
by Donna | Jun 20, 2010
The statistics of children without fathers playing active roles in their lives are gloom ones. According to “The Father Connection,” by Josh McDowell:
1. …the absence of a father is a stronger factor than poverty in contributing to juvenile delinquency…according the National Institute of Mental Health’s analysis of US census figures.
2. ..crime rates are highest among adults who as children had been raised solely by women…according to a group of Yale behavior scientists’ study of delinquency in forty-eight cultures around the world.
3. …the father’s presence and conversation (especially at dinnertime) stimulate a child to perform better in school according to Dr. Martin Deutsch in an article for “Time” magazine.
4. …the lack of a close relationship with their fathers has been linked to anorexia nervosa eating disorder in a study of teenage girls suffering from it.
5. “young, white teenage girls living in fatherless families were 60 percent more likely to have premarital intercourse than those living in two-parent homes..” according to Johns Hopkins University researchers.
6. ..a child’s (1) low motivation for achievement; (2) inability to defer immediate gratification for later rewards; (3) low self esteem; and (4) susceptibility to group influence and to juvenile delinquency.. have all been found to be significantly contributed to by an absent father, according to Dr. Armand Nicoli’s research for a White House paper.
If you are a Christian mom raising children alone, you will need (and will receive) extra grace to do what you are doing, for sure. However, if you are a Christian father reading this and simply not doing what you need to do to raise your children in a godly home, I pray that you will turn that around, seek out help and accountability, and be what your children need in a father.
There are three A’s that I have found in raising seven children ages 11 through 27 over the past two decades—three A’s that can lead to being an A+ dad for your children. (Pardon the “schoolish” expression; I’m not kidding when I say that everything becomes school around the Reishes!)
1. Available—so many of the statistics above point to this factor. Dads, we just need to be available. We need to say no to the good in order to do the best. We need to look at our children’s at home years for what they are—eighteen years or so in which other things must be put on the back burner (if needed) in order to be available for our kids. Here are some ways that I have found to make myself more available for my wife and kids:
a. For little ones—large amounts of time are not needed here—just short snatches and a lot of them—a few minutes after work; stories and kisses at bedtime; start traditions with your children that cause them to realize that you are available for them.
b. Middlers—you be the driver whenever possible and talk, talk, talk. Let them know that you are driving them to their event because the few minutes that you would have in the car with them is worth more to you than something else. (If you started talking when they were “little ones,” talking with you will become second nature to them.)
c. Olders—shooting hoops in the driveway most nights when my son was sixteen to eighteen gave us an opportunity to talk that might otherwise have not been found; make time for these older kids. When my older kids were little, I had a few minutes with each one before bed that we called our “Malachi time”—based on Malachi 4:6 in which the hearts of the father are turned to the children and vice versa. Establishing “Malachi time” twenty years ago has given me relationships with my young adult daughters that I quite possibly would not have had if I hadn’t sought them out when they were toddlers—and continued to be available to them throughout their growing up years.
2. Aware—we fathers need to be much more aware of what is going on in our children’s lives than we do. My wife can read our children like a book. She will often say, “We need to talk to ____ about how he is feeling about ___. I can tell something is a little bit off there and I think he is hurting.” How does she know these things? I have purposed to become a student of my children, so to speak. To be aware of their feelings, their friends, their interests, their influences, their needs, their spiritual condition, and much more. Awareness begins with questions. Asking questions about those areas in which you need to be more aware can lead to many insights that you might otherwise miss. (Also, ask your wife—she’ll know for sure!)
3. Activity—our kids make choices everyday to hang with peers, go to certain events, etc. or spend time with their families. Oftentimes, we have not made ourselves available, so our kids pick friends and outsiders by default. However, we have found that if we want our kids to want to be with us and want to stay home more (thus, affording us more opportunities to influence them in godly ways), we need to provide activities for them that are fun, healthy, family-oriented, and more. In the past ten years, when our older children and middlers were teens, we have purposely spent more money on “activity” with them than we did on other things that many of our peers enjoy. We might not have the nicest vehicles in the neighborhood, and we have a small, extremely modest home; however, our kids know that being with us is the “happening” place. That we will “do” things with them—go to movies, play basketball, swim, attend plays, visit museums, go out for dinner, take walks, and more. As we partake of activities with our children, we have more and more opportunities to see into their hearts and influence it for good.
Obviously, there are many more factors that bring about the A+ father—but some of those do not start with A! And this is a “short,” daily blog (at least that is what I keep telling my wife, the primary author of it!). However, if we would get up tomorrow and purpose to apply these three A’s to our fatherhood, I think we would all reap a harvest of closeness, opportunities for spiritual training, mentoring, and more.
by Donna | Jun 9, 2010
“After Daddy hugged and kissed Kara and Josiah good-night, he asked me to sit on his lap for a minute. He held me close, smiled real big, got water eyes, and then said, ‘Jonathan, Mommy told me a good report about you!’”
“Jonathan’s Journal”
Jonathan told earlier in his story about how he hoped I would tell his dad about how he put Josiah first when they were racing in their chores—and how he loves it when I do that and when Daddy says, “Jonathan, Mommy told me a good report about you!” Well, here it is at bedtime, and what Jonathan hoped would happen, did!
My kids love it when they know that Mom and Dad are talking about them in a positive light. They love it when they know that we are not just talking about discipline problems or areas that the kids need to work on—but are discussing the good things that they do.
We had a tradition in our home that Ray would tell the kids the very words from the passage: “Mommy told me a good report about you.” Then he would share with them what it was that he heard about them. They loved this—and our teen boys (ages 17, 15, and nearly 12) still love it when Dad points out their good deeds and characteristics.
Make it a habit of tag-teaming to tell your kids how great they are doing in certain areas. Try not to have a continuous stream of negative or critical comments and discussions. Surely we can all find some good things to say even in the midst of times in which we are continually working on areas with our kids.
And how much sweeter is the sleep of a preschooler (or any child) who is told just before bed that someone (especially if it is Mom and/or Dad) is noticing good things about him or her!
That wraps up our lengthy time with Jonathan! I hope you have been blessed by looking into one of my days from ten years ago—as I have been blessed in sharing it and reliving it.
Tomorrow—summer begins here at PP 365! If you have friends who need advice and tips for helping their children academically this summer (especially with reading, comprehension, etc.), tell them about Positive Parenting 3*6*5!
by Donna | Jun 6, 2010
“During dinner Joshua and Kayla told some jokes from their joke books, and Mommy and Daddy talked about all of the yard work we have to do on Saturday. I don’t know why adults like to work so much! After dinner Daddy read to us from the Bible and we sang. I chose “Father Abraham,” which is my favorite song ‘coz I like the motions. We cleaned the kitchen quick so Daddy, Joshua, Josiah, and I could play army men.”
“Jonathan’s Journal”
Again, we see Jonathan included in the family discussion and activities. Little kids just don’t want to be left out!
Additionally, our family had many, many traditions, as written about above–singing, cleaning the kitchen, and playing together in the evenings. (This excerpt took place over ten years ago, and guess what we did last night, these many years later? Cleaned up the meal, went outside and played Frisbee, came back in and played table games, and then had “spiritual discussions.” Traditions are things that never really change, you know?)
Traditions give our children something to hold onto—something that makes us our family, unlike everybody else’s. They are those things that we hear our children say, “We always…” Why? Because they love to say those words. They love to know that “we always” do this or that—that those are constances in their lives.
Another important point about today’s passage is that of the preschooler choosing a song. I have gone over and over how dangerous it is to children’s contentment and obedience to give them choices for which they are not ready too early—and how we are given to our children to make those choices for them until they are ready to do so. Likewise, however, I have stressed the importance of giving our children choices in things that are in their control. As long as our preschoolers obeyed, they got to choose books, songs, movies, games, etc. that we did all together. Jonathan always picked the same song—and that’s okay, too, because “he always…”
Lastly, I can’t stress enough the importance of (1) having normal times—just times to hang out, talk, play and be together; and (2) playing with our children. Ray played with the older kids nearly every night when they were little (while he worked at least sixty hours a week—it was a priority)—and he continues to play with our kids today, including our young adults! We wanted our kids to want to be home. We wanted our kids to choose family over others. One way that we could help those things happen was to play with them.
by Donna | Jun 5, 2010
“Daddy called and said that he is not going to be home for another half an hour, so my brother helped me set up army men. We worked and worked, making the forts and setting up all the cannons and everything. We got done setting up just in time to eat dinner. Mommy said we could leave it out for later.”
“Jonathan’s Journal”
One thing I loved about the routines that I had with my little ones is that they were never bored. They never complained that they had nothing to do. Or said they were bored, etc. Ever…I really cannot remember any of my kids ever being bored, ever—no matter what the age. For example, in today and yesterday’s excerpts, Jonathan had run out of time and didn’t even get to his army men yet. (Of course, above, since Dad was coming home late, he got to them.) His day was coming to an end, but he hadn’t done everything his little heart wanted to that day!
One problem we did always have was setting things up to play with and leaving them out. This was not conducive to a large family with little kids. When we had a bigger house, we could let them set things up in a room and shut the door. In our small house, we do not have that option. If you have that option, I recommend letting your kids do that.
We always encouraged our older kids to play a big role in the lives of the littles. Some day I will post Jonathan’s salvation testimony he wrote in seventh grade—and how his big brother read Scriptures to him at night and ultimately led him to the Lord. It is priceless. In the passage today, Joshua was helping Jonathan set up his army men. Playing with Jonathan, despite the ten year age difference, was one way that Joshua built an enduring relationship with Jonathan that is still strong today at their ages (twenty-seven and seventeen—at ten o’clock on a Friday night here, Jonathan is in town playing basketball with Joshua and some other guys—still playing, just different games now!).
Lastly, I want to point out the importance of not exasperating our children. The Bible says that fathers, specifically, should not provoke their children to wrath. One way that we provoke or exasperate our children is by rushing them all the time. In the excerpt above, Jonathan was happy because he was permitted to leave his army men set up for Dad to see and to play with later. To have him take it all down immediately, when he and Joshua had just set it up, would have definitely exasperated him.
