by Donna | Oct 27, 2010
“Words have set whole nations in motion…Give me the right word….and I will move the world.” Joseph Conrad
Over twenty years ago I had a friend who would call her kids whatever character quality they were working on—Miss Responsible, Mr. Helpful, etc. I remember thinking that it was corny at the time—but after several more years of parenting/character training, I found myself doing the same thing—plus!
My normal greeting to my kids often involves something about them—Sweet Girl, Awesome Son, Princess of the Twenty-Year Olds, etc. My daughter even put her phone number in my phone with her pic and the words Kara, Your Amazing Daughter. One of our sons followed suit with Josiah, Your Awesome Son. Yeah…I think my kids are pretty neato!
Additionally, I picked up the habit of calling or affirming my kids with character qualities. Some days it took some work to come up with a quality (“Umm, how’s my Little Mr. ….um…um…Resourceful?”). Other times it was easy…”You are so helpful and diligent today. Thank-you so much!”
Years ago I learned about the 1000 watt smile that will warm our kids’ hearts—the smile that we give them when they walk into the room; the smile that tells them we are so happy they are there; the smile that communicates how glad we are to be their mom or dad; the smile that shows them that we are thrilled that they are in the same room we are in!
Combine the 1000 watt smile with affirming greetings (character based or just “sweet kid” based)—and you have the makings of a loved child with a warm heart who feels his emotions and thoughts are safe with Mom and Dad.
Note: Tomorrow I will give a list of character qualities AND links to definitions for them to get you started in character-calling!
by Donna | Oct 26, 2010
The scene was a familiar one. The people in the booth next to us had an undisciplined three-year-old—and the parents spent the entire evening focusing on the least important thing while ignoring the most important things.
Here is the scenario:
Child and parents sit down. Child yells to parent, “Move over, Bucko!” in a harsh, disrespectful, and loud tone.
Dad: “Are we inside or outside?”
Child, again in harsh, disrespectful tone: “Inside!”
Dad: “That’s right. So we need to use our inside voice.”
Child: “Okay, Bucko” in softer voice but still with disrespectful tone.
The entire meal was filled with a wild three year old telling his parents what to do and what he wanted in a rude, disrespectful INSIDE voice (with the parents occasionally reminding the child that they were inside and needed to use the inside voice).
The problem: Going back to our childishness vs willfulness posts from earlier this year (https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/03/day-eighty-five-introducing.html ), we see that there was a “surface” problem going on—the child speaking too loudly for inside (which is something that needs corrected and trained, but definitely not the most important thing)—the “inside voice.” And we see the big problem—disrespect and disobedience.
We call the inside voice a character issue—children are children and do childish things. They run, they jump, they shout, they giggle, they spill, they forget…and we work day in and day out to “train” them in godly character to grow out of those behaviors (some of them—many of them are, after all, cute, so we don’t want to eliminate all of them…just the unsavory ones! ).
The disobedience and disrespect are the real culprits in this scenario. They are the things that are from the heart. Calling Dad “Bucko” and answering him like he was the family dog are signs of darkness in a heart—signs that the child has not learned how important it is to respect and honor his dad, signs that he is putting himself in the position of number one (and “I will do whatever I want to do!!!”), signs that his heart has not been trained in obedience, respect, honor, and more.
The moral of this story? Train the character issues in your children as they grow up. Teach them to use an inside voice inside. Teach them not to run in church. Teach them to share with others.
But don’t let the “childishness” issues cloud the heart issues! Do not overlook the training and punishment that are needed to teach a young child to obey and honor his authorities.
by Donna | Oct 15, 2010
“Therefore, although in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do, 9yet I appeal to you on the basis of love.” Philemon 1: 8 & 9
Many of you reading this might feel that you have blown it too badly in the area of parental control. You feel that no matter what you do now, you cannot regain it. Re-read the blog posts in the “teen” section about appealing with love and humility. It is not too late.
If you find yourself in this situation, humble yourself before your children. Explain to them that you feel you have truly blown it, that you have parented in such a way that they will not grow up to be godly, selfless, others-oriented adults. The self-focus you have allowed in them has the potential to produce failure as adults for them–as parents, as workers, as spouses, as Christians. Admit your own sins of pride and selfishness–that you, too, have been self-oriented, wanting your own way and responding incorrectly when it did not happen. Point out that we can only raise them to love God and others more than themselves if we help them to learn to take the focus off of them now. Then be certain to follow through.
If your children are older teens or young adults, do not go back and try to “control them” like you would a younger child. Simply admit that you failed in areas of discipline, ask for their forgiveness, and commit to them that you will try to get into their hearts and show them God’s love and ways in spite of behavior problems. Do not put it back on them–let them know that you take responsibility for the problems–and that you love them in spite of behavioral and lifestyle issues.
Maybe they will not respond the way you hope, but your humility in the situation will go a long way toward them eventually understanding what you are trying to do. Relate to them in love. Tell them that you are not trying to strong-arm them into being or doing something that you are not willing to do yourself, but that you truly want to be the kind of person God wants you to be, and you want to help them become that kind of person too. Then love them back into submission. We know it is not as simplistic as it sounds on paper. We know that it is hard to be loving towards someone who is self-absorbed, but brow-beating them into submission will not work.
Truly, by this time in their lives, we must begin to appeal to them not with force or micromanagement (though they will often still need consequences to continue to train them in character)—but with love, as Paul did with Onesimus in Philemon 1: 8 & 9: “Therefore, although in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do, yet I appeal to you on the basis of love.”
by Donna | Oct 15, 2010
I was so encouraged today to speak to a group of young moms! They were so attentive and into their families—it just warmed my heart. I loved their enthusiasm and interest in learning and growing as Christian moms. I truly went away encouraged and refreshed—even though I only got through a quarter of my handout! LOL!
I did the unthinkable (and don’t tell Ray!)—told them what I didn’t have time to tell them. I have this bad habit when I’m speaking: I want to say way more than I have time for. Thus, I often mention things that I would tell them if I had time, etc. Ray always says, “Don’t tell them that you do not have time to tell them something!” Smile…Thankfully, I now have PP 365 to refer people to—so instead of saying that I don’t have time for something, I can just tell them to go to such and such at the blog for more info about something. This is a great tool for us windy speakers!
Anyway, I wanted to give those sweet moms (and anyone else who is interested) links to many of the things that I mentioned this morning and that I wish I could have had time to delve into further. So…here you go…
*Establishing and bringing in boundaries, especially for young children: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/09/day-255-we-are-getting-behavior-that-we.html (plus the next twenty or so posts following that one)
*Chores—starting with this post then for about thirty days— https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-one-hundred-three-choreswhose-job.html
*Praising children—starting with this post then for about a dozen days following– https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/02/day-forty-praise-your-children-in-front.html
*Teaching children not to hurt the weak, elderly, or disabled: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-thirty-train-your-children-to.html
*Being a problem solver: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-seventeen-become-problem-solver.html
*Age appropriate chores for ages toddler through teen: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-115-age-appropriate-chores-for.html
*Kayla’s work in Africa: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/09/day-228-kayla-is-off-to-africa.html
*Challenging preschoolers in non-stressful ways: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-ninety-five-challenging.html
*Morning routines for preschoolers: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/03/day-eighty-two-developing-morning.html
*Affirmations for preschoolers: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/02/day-forty-five-give-your-child-praise.html
*Personal organizational strategies: https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/08/day-224-organizationpersonal.html and here for a few days https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/08/day-218-organizationpersonal.html
*Motivation—starts here and goes for five days– https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/09/day-231-how-do-you-keep-motivation.html
*Charts and more– https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/09/day-240-strong-study-skills-begin-with.html
*Prioritizing—starts here and goes for several days– https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/08/day-206-introducing-prioritizingthe.html
*Home management systems—starts here and goes for two days– https://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-111-other-home-management-systems.html
by Donna | Oct 13, 2010
Some might wonder if the boundaries will ever be widened fully in this approach to parenting. It may seem like your children (even teens) are not mature enough to allow the boundaries to ever come out in some areas. And I know that feeling. T
There will be times when our children are moving into adulthood when we can no longer control their environments. Times in which we do not have the options of bringing in the boundaries to help them gain control of themselves and their actions. At this point, many parents try to micromanage their children rather than releasing them to their own devices.
This is why we promote a gradual release of teens and young adults from under authority. The entire idea of a child turning eighteen and becoming an “adult” is simply inaccurate and damaging to young people. We have seen this over and over again when a child graduated from a protected home and was “released” without the proper guidance in his life. It was thought that “now he is an adult,” so now he is ready to make all of his own decisions. If the boundaries were not released gradually—at a rate appropriate for that child’s maturity, decision making level, and respect for authority—the results are often disastrous.
Yes, there will come a time when you will stop manipulating his environment to help him mature (stop bringing in the boundaries), and the child will flounder often. However, it should not be abrupt; it should be gradual. And it should not be without your constant input and guidance in his life even as a young adult. (We have found that when we followed other “positive parenting” advice given earlier in this blog, our older teens and young adults desire our input in their lives. We have raised them to respect us and loved them with total abandonment—and they know that we are so crazy about them that we would never want anything but God’s best for them.)
by Donna | Sep 27, 2010
One of the stories that we especially enjoyed in Joe Wheeler’s “Great Stories Remembered” is about a man who was so harsh with his three children—wouldn’t let them cry, made fun of them if they were frightened, punished them severely for slight infractions, wouldn’t let them be children, didn’t spend any time with them, etc. This story is called “The Boy on the Running Board.”* Today and tomorrow (though I don’t want to divide up the post, so it will all appear here) I would like to share with you some excerpts from that story—and some amazing parenting comparisons that I gleaned from it (during read-aloud with my kids!).
One day this rough father went to town to pay a bill (leaving a “punished” son who was scheduled to go with him that day at home). While driving, this man ran over a turkey that its owner-family had named Henry Ward Beecher.
The stern man picked up one of the children (who owned the turkey) and took him to town since the boy was heading there to meet his father’s train. The words this child spoke pierced the unkind father’s heart—as they should have. Even today as I re-read this story, I can hear the love and excitement in this little boy’s voice. Oh, that we could all create this in our homes:
“We drew lots to see which’d catch him an’ which’d cut off his {the turkey’s} head. Celia was catching him. We picked out Henry Ward Beecher because he was the biggest. Mother said nothing was too big for Father!”
“Father’s coming home! Today he’s coming! Mother keeps singing every minute.”
“Well, I guess any mother’d sing when she hadn’t seen a father for four whole months. Father’s a drummer, but he doesn’t hardly ever drum so long at a time. He hasn’t seen {the present we have for him….}.”
“We’re going to give {Father} a present of the baby! She’s almost a month old. Mother’s did her all up.”
“We’ve swept everything and dusted everything and cleared up everything –and—and….killed the rooster!”
“Father’s train isn’t till after dinner, but I thought I’d go real early so’s not to miss it.”
“I guess he’ll think that’s some muscle! Father will like that! And I can pitch ball better now; I’ll give him some good ones, all right! We take turns pitching. Father’s a southpaw. The Grant family’s team is some team! Only, now that the baby’s come, I don’t know about Mother’s being first base…She’s a good first-bagger! You ought to see her catch! Of course, it isn’t a real ‘nine,’ but we manage. Celia’s going to make a regular player. Are you on a team, Mister?”
The boy continued: “Yes. “{Do you have a} home team? You know, like us. If you haven’t got any boys….You can’t very well play ball without ANY boys! Father says it’s lucky there’s two men in our family. We’re pals, me and Father.”
(At this point, the man thought of his boys at home. He couldn’t imagine calling his family “team.” Even moreso, he couldn’t imagine his being on their team, if his family did have one. Then pals? He could not fathom it.)
“When father retires…we’re going to have the best time! Of course, we’ll have to work like fun on the farm. That’s it, like fun! When we hoe now, Father and me, we run races to the end of the row! Sometimes I beat him. And when Mother comes out and brings us something to drink, she kisses Father when I am not looking, and kisses me when Father isn’t looking, but we always kind of see!”
(The man asked the boy if he was afraid of his father…)
“Of Father, AFRAID? You couldn’t be afraid of Father. I lied once. ‘riginal sin, Mother said, was the matter with me. But I’ve never had it since. You don’t catch me being a mean skunk twice! We both cried, me and Father. Then Father held out his hand and said, ‘Put it there,’ and I put it there, and that was our contract. Like signing the pledge, Father said.”
(The boy met the father at the train station—and you can only guess the impact that this little boy had on the thoughtless man when he returned home later that day. You will have to get this book to discover the ending!)
I could read these parts of the story over and over…and hear and feel the excitement of a little boy whose dad knew how to raise little boys—how to love them, include them, play with them, work with them, forgive them, direct them, laugh with them, talk to them, and teach them. And then pray that Ray and I are all of that for our “little boys.”
*This story may be found in Joe Wheeler’s “Great Stories Remembered”: https://www.amazon.com/Great-Stories-Remembered-Joe-Wheeler/dp/1561794597
