by Donna | Nov 4, 2010
“There is one kind of robber whom the law does not strike at, and who steals what is most precious to men: time.” Napoleon I, Maxims, 1815
Regardless of whether Secretariat’s owner was as successful in her parenting as she was in her horse ownership, the question from yesterday remains: Can it be done? Can a mother (or father) do huge things (hobbies, careers, ministries, anything can become “huge”) that require so much time away from home (as in seventy to a hundred hours a week or gone away from home for weeks or months at a time) and still be available for her children during their formative years?
We were faced with a similar dilemma about a dozen years ago—though not nearly as huge as working/living in another state part time for four years as the family in the movie appeared to be faced with. Ray’s job as a plant manager was unbelievable. He always worked sixty hours every week—and sometimes worked seventy or eighty hours (with occasional hundred hour weeks during problem times). We arranged our family life around his work—and made it doable during the older children’s childhood. However, now we had a fifteen year old and a twelve year old—and Mom as the primary teacher/child trainer twelve to fifteen hours a day with Dad’s teaching and input for an hour in the morning and a couple of hours in the evenings and Saturday nights and Sundays just wasn’t going to result in the family life we desired for our teens.
We made a tough decision to have Ray leave his career and take a “normal” eight to five job as a middle manager in a small plant. It resulted in a thirty percent salary cut (without even considering large bonuses that were possibilities with his former position). It meant giving up a brand new company car, company phones, and a huge house that we (especially me!) loved. And yet, it had to be done.
We have lived in our little house for a dozen years now—and still drive old, unappealing vehicles. We are, however, rich in books, learning, love, education, family times, spiritual training, character development, and relationships.
Obviously, not everybody will need to switch careers in order to be the Christian parent he or she needs to be at certain ages in his or her children’s lives. That is not the point. The point is…are we willing? Will we examine our lifestyle, our time, our money, our efforts, our hobbies, our “things”—in order to see if they are consistent with what we want, what God wants—or even with what we say we want?
So many good things have come from our decision to leave Ray’s demanding career: strong, close family relationships; Ray’s huge involvement in the raising of our teens; the ability to be with our children in their areas of interest—formerly speech and debate and currently drama and disability ministry; the starting of our publishing company and family ministry several years ago; unspoiled children who have had to work hard for things; an amazing marriage because I get so much time and attention; and much more.
Our children’s years at home (especially the relationship-intense ones from about ten to twenty) are short, really. We can do “big” things, like have successful, consuming careers; make lots of money; and more when our kids are grown (if we choose to). But our kids will only be at home for these years. How much are you being called to give up to be the effective, available parent you need to be? It might be something as small as a hobby or time-intensive friendship. It might be something as big as a career and large home. Listen to that still, small voice and heed its direction. You will not be sorry you did!
by Donna | Nov 3, 2010
We recently watched Disney’s wonderful new movie, “Secretariat.” Such a great movie—well done, superbly-acted, exciting, and, at times, heart-wrenching. The last few moments of the movie left us spell-bound. The ending just made you want to stand and cheer right there in the movie theatre!
However, there were some extremely bothersome points in the movie—some that our teen sons brought up on the way home without us even mentioning them. There were some little things that bugged me as a Christian parent—emphasis on winning over relationships; animals before people; the parents’ lack of knowledge about their teenage daughters’ activities, and more.
But most importantly, and for the subject of today’s blog post, I was bothered by the mother’s preoccupation with the ranch and the horse over her duties as a parent (and wife) to four children, who were approximately ages eight through fourteen when she first began working with “Big Red.” (The entire process, from her acquiring the horse to its Triple Crown winning, was about four years—which is the time period the movie followed. Of course, he went on to win many, many more races after that.)
Now, keep in mind that the movie was about the horse, so it could be that Mrs. Tweedy wasn’t so much more devoted to the horse and ranch (which was located in another state away from her family home) than she was to her family—but the movie focused on her involvement with the equine, so perhaps she was doing both things well. However, there were many points in which she seemed indifferent to her husband and children and completely enamored with her “hobby” (albeit, multi-million dollar one).
During the four year period in which she groomed “Secretariat” to become the champion he did, Mrs. Tweedy was portrayed as ignoring her family, not coming home for weeks at a time (the horse was an airplane flight away from her family) when her husband and children needed for her to, not knowing that her daughter was becoming a “hippie,” missing her children’s activities, etc. This leads me to a question I would like to discuss on this blog—and get our readers thinking about.
Is it possible to do something so big, so involved, so consuming during our children’s formative years and still be an effective, available Christian mom (or even dad)? I think of people who are extremely successful actors or actresses, CEO’s, political leaders, and others who average seventy to eighty work hours each week. How can they parent too?
Sure, if we make enough money, we can hire drivers, maids, housecleaners, errand runners, cooks, and more. We can even hire nannies and babysitters. But we can’t hire parents—no matter how much money we make.
Stay with us…don’t tune us out, please! Join us tomorrow for another discussion of this topic. As Christian parents, we all truly need to evaluate our availability to our children.
by Donna | Nov 2, 2010
People often gasp when we tell them we have seven children. “Seven children? I can’t make the two I do have listen to me, much less seven of them.”
To which I reply, “Well, we didn’t get them all at the same time. We had time to get used to and teach one before another one arrived.”
It is often assumed that because we have seven children, we have seven times the amount of disobedience, disrespect, and discontentment that someone with one poorly disciplined child has.
First of all, it doesn’t matter if you have one, seven, or twelve children; if they are disobedient and disrespectful, it still brings heartache to the mother and shame to the father, according to the Bible.
Secondly, when you begin disciplining your children effectively from the beginning, or at least with the first two or three children in the case of a large family, it has far-reaching effects to your younger children. You set a standard for behavior in the older ones that has the potential to trickle down to the younger ones, assuming the older ones interact with the younger ones and the entire family spends a lot of time together. We actually have had to punish our ten and thirteen year old sons (our fifth and sixth children) about twenty-five percent of the amount that we had to punish our second child, who is now one of the most selfless young adults I have ever met. Of course, she wasn’t selfless at ages two and three!
(Note: I am referring to punishment here; training and consequences have definitely been more extensive with our younger boys than with the girls. Gotta love three cooperative, diligent, responsible girls in a row!)
Thirdly, yes, there is the potential for seven times the amount of heartache for parents of seven children as there is for parents of one child, but there is also the potential for seven times the amount of joy. We have chosen to focus on biblical, effective discipline so that the potential for those joyful, loving, less problematic times is increased exponentially.
Reprinted from Training for Triumph newsletter @ 2005
by Donna | Oct 27, 2010
There are many good sites listing character qualities and their defintitions. Today I will give you one hundred character qualities from “Character That Counts.” More links (with definitions and action steps!) will follow tomorrow. The site that has these listed as given below is https://www.characterthatcounts.org/hundredpluscharqualnew.html
If you are not in the habit of praising your children for good character (or calling them “character names”–see yesterday), I encourage you to do so. Having good character is something that is within our children’s control–and something that we want to challenge them in. They will be better siblings, friends, spouses, parents, workers, ministers–everything–if they build positive character into their lives. Yep, character training–just another of the many jobs we parents have! 🙂
100 CHARACTER QUALITIES
ALERTNESS: Being keenly aware of the events taking place around me so that I can have the right responses to them.
ATTENTIVENESS: Showing the worth of a person or task by giving my undivided concentration.
AVAILABILITY: Making my own schedule and priorities secondary to the wishes of those I serve.
BENEVOLENCE: Giving to others’ basic needs without expectations of personal reward.
BOLDNESS: Demonstrating the confidence and courage that doing what is right will bring ultimate victory regardless of present opposition.
BREADTH: Having depth and broadness, in words and deeds, within the heart and mind.
BROTHERLINESS: Exhibiting a kinship and disposition to render help because of a relationship.
CANDOR: Speaking the truth at the time when the truth should be spoken. This is done through openness, fairness and sincerity.
CAUTION: Knowing to be alert and prudent in a hazardous or dangerous situation.
CHEERFUL: Expressing encouragement, approval and/or congratulations at the proper time.
CHIVALRY: Protecting the weak, the suffering and the neglected by maintaining justice and rightness.
COMMITMENT: Devoting myself to following up on my words (promises, pledges or vows) with action.
COMPASSION: Investing whatever is necessary to heal the hurts of others by the willingness to bear their pain.
CONFIDENCE: Placing full trust and belief in the reliability of a person or thing.
CONSISTENCY: Following constantly the same principles, course or form in all circumstances; holding together.
CONTENTMENT: Accepting myself as God created me with my gifts, talents, abilities and opportunities.
COURAGE: Fulfilling my responsibilities and standing up for convictions in spite of being afraid.
CREATIVITY: Approaching a need, a task or an idea from a new perspective.
DECISIVENESS: Learning to finalize difficult decisions on the basis of what is right, not popular or tempting.
DEFERENCE: Limiting my freedom to speak and act in order to not offend the tastes of others.
DEPENDABILITY: Fulfilling what I consented to do even if it means unexpected sacrifice.
DETERMINATION: Working intently to accomplish goals regardless of the opposition.
DILIGENCE: Visualizing each task as a special assignment and using all my energies to accomplish it.
DISCERNMENT: Seeking to use intuitive ability to judge situations and people; understanding why things happen to me and others.
DISCIPLINE: Receiving instruction and correction in a positive way; maintaining and enforcing proper conduct in accordance with the guidelines and rules.
DISCRETION: Recognizing and avoiding words, actions and attitudes which could result in undesirable consequences.
ENDURANCE: Exercising inward strength to withstand stress and do my best in managing what occurs in my life.
ENTHUSIASM: Expressing lively, absorbing interest in each task as I give it my best effort.
FAIRNESS (EQUITY): Looking at a decision from the viewpoint of each person involved.
FAITH: Developing an unshakable confidence in God and acting upon it.
FAITHFULNESS: Being thorough in the performance of my duties; being true to my words, promises and vows.
FEAR OF THE LORD: Having a sense of awe and respect for Almighty God which goes above and beyond anyone else or anything.
FIRMNESS: Exerting a tenacity of will with strength and resoluteness. A willingness to run counter to the traditions and fashions of the world.
FLEXIBILITY: Learning how to cheerfully change plans when unexpected conditions require it.
FORGIVENESS: Clearing the record of those who have wronged me and not holding their past offenses against them.
FRIENDSHIP: Coming alongside another person for mutual support and encouragement.
GENEROSITY: Realizing that all I have (time, talents and treasures) belongs to God and freely giving of these to benefit others.
GENTLENESS: Learning to respond to needs with kindness, personal care and love.
GLADNESS: Abounding in joy, jubilation and cheerfulness.
GOAL-ORIENTED: Achieving maximum results toward the area where my effort is directed.
GOODNESS: Having moral excellence and a virtuous lifestyle; a general quality of proper conduct.
GRATEFULNESS: Making known to others by my words and actions how they have benefited my life.
GREATNESS: Demonstrating an extraordinary capacity for achievement.
HOLINESS: Having no blemish or stain. Being whole with no trace of regret or remorse.
HONESTY: Proclaiming the truth with sincerity and frankness in all situations.
HONOR: Respecting those in leadership because of the higher authorities they represent.
HOPE: Feeling that my deepest desire will be realized and that events will turn out for the best.
HOSPITALITY: Sharing cheerfully food, shelter and my life with those whom I come in contact.
HUMILITY: Seeing the contrast between what is perfect and my inability to achieve that perfection.
INDIGNATION: Channeling the driving passion of righteous anger without sinning.
INITIATIVE: Recognizing and doing what needs to be done before I am asked to do it.
INTEGRITY: Being whole and complete in moral and ethical principles.
JOYFULNESS: Knowing how to be pleasant regardless of the outside circumstances which ultimately lifts the spirits of others.
JUSTICE: Taking personal responsibility to uphold what is pure, right and true.
KINDNESS: Demonstrating a gentle, sympathetic attitude towards others.
KNOWLEDGE: Becoming acquainted with facts, truths or principles through study and investigation.
LEADERSHIP: Guiding others toward a positive conclusion.
LOVE: Having a deep personal attachment and affection for another person.
LOYALTY: Using difficult times to demonstrate my commitment to others or to what is right.
MEEKNESS: Yielding my power, personal rights and expectations humbly with a desire to serve.
NARROWNESS: Staying within established boundaries and limits.
OBEDIENCE: Fulfilling instructions so that the one I am serving will be fully satisfied and pleased.
OPTIMISM: Endeavoring to see all the possibilities and capacities of the human heart; confident, hopeful and never doubtful.
ORDERLINESS: Learning to organize and care for personal possessions to achieve greater efficiency.
ORIGINALITY: Creating “new” thinking, ideas and expanding truths from an independent viewpoint.
PASSIONATE: Having an intense, powerful or compelling emotion and feelings towards others or something.
PATIENCE: Accepting difficult situations and without demanding a deadline to remove it.
PEACEFULNESS: Being at rest with myself and others.
PERSUASIVENESS: Guiding another’s mental roadblocks by using words which cause the listener’s spirit to confirm the spoken truth.
POISE: Being totally balanced in mind, body and spirit.
PRAYERFUL: Communing with God spiritually through adoration, confession, thanksgiving and supplication.
PROSPERITY: Flourishing or being successful, especially pertaining to financial issues.
PRUDENCE: Exhibiting caution, humbleness and wisdom in regards to practical matters.
PUNCTUALITY: Showing respect for other people by respectfully using the limited time they have.
PURE SPEECH: Speaking words that are clean, spotless and without blemish.
PURITY: Freeing yourself from anything that contaminates or adulterates.
PURPOSEFUL: Exercising determination to stay on track until the goal is achieved.
REASONABLENESS: Having a sound mind by being level headed, sane and demonstrating common sense.
RESOURCEFULNESS: Using wisely that which others would normally overlook or discard.
RESPECT: Honoring and esteeming another person due to deep admiration.
RESPONSIBILITY: Knowing and doing what is expected from me.
REVERENCE: Learning to give honor where it is due and to respect the possessions and property of others.
RIGHTEOUSNESS: Acting in a moral and upright way that honors God, regardless of who is watching.
SECURITY: Structuring my life around what is eternal and cannot be destroyed or taken away.
SELF-CONTROL: Bringing my thoughts, words, actions and attitudes into constant obedience in order to benefit others.
SENSITIVITY: Being aware and attentive to the true attitudes and emotional needs of those around me.
SERVANTHOOD: Caring for and meeting the needs of others before caring for myself.
SINCERITY: Endeavoring to do what is right, without ulterior motives.
STEWARDSHIP: Administering and managing personal and financial affairs effectively.
TEACHABILITY: Demonstrating a willingness to learn or be trained without any reservations or hindrances.
THANKFULNESS: Expressing deep gratitude and appreciation to people and to God.
THOROUGHNESS: Executing something perfectly with the realization that each of my tasks will be reviewed.
THOUGHTFULNESS: Showing consideration for others through acts of kindness and/or words.
THRIFTINESS: Preventing not letting myself or others spend that which is not necessary.
TOLERANCE: Learning to accept others as valuable individuals regardless of their maturity.
TRANSPARENCY: Allowing others to shine a light on my life for the purpose of being accountable.
TRUTHFULNESS: Earning future trust by accurately reporting past facts.
TRUST or TRUSTWORTHY: Believing completely and totally in someone or something.
UNDERSTANDING: Exhibiting strong intelligence and a sound mind in comprehending and discerning matters.
VIRTUE: Learning to build personal moral standards which will cause others to desire a greater moral life.
VISIONARY: Dreaming not inhibited by the unknown. Looking beyond problems by creating successful solutions.
VULNERABILITY: Being open to receive constructive criticism and guidance.
WISDOM: Learning to see and respond correctly to life situations with keen judgment; the application of knowledge.
WORSHIP: Honoring God reverently.
Adapted from several sources including “Institute in Basic Conflicts” by Bruce Bickel; Character First! program and “The Character of Jesus” by Charles Edward Jefferson.
