by Donna | Nov 9, 2010
“There’s no such thing in anyone’s life as an unimportant day.” Alexander Woollcott
I have been on Face Book for a little over a year now, and I have thoroughly enjoyed it. Sharing pictures with my grown kids; connecting with old friends; getting messages out quickly to students and their families; “talking” to friends that I often do not get to; and so much more. It has been an awesome experience. Of course, just like anything else, it has be controlled and have accountability—and if it were consuming my life or taking too much time, etc., I would not have it—just like we have not had television programming (i.e. dish, antennae, etc.) for almost all of our married life. (Life with our children is way too short to let “things” get in the way of what we need to be doing to raise them.)
One thing that always strikes me as funny about FB statuses is the “nothing to do today” syndrome. It is especially apparent in children and teens, but adults often have this same mindset. It is the mindset that if nothing exciting is going on today, it’s a bum day. Ultimately, I think we need to address this with our children. If our children go through their growing up years living for experiences and fun—and dreading days that do not contain activity and excitement, they will indeed be disappointed adults.
For today, however, we should consider this in our adult/parent lives—and the root of this view. Obviously, I love exciting days. I love to look forward to being with my grown kids, going on vacation, ballroom dancing on Saturday, spending an evening with friends, and even my favorite movie coming to the theatre. But we have to be careful as parents that we do not get into the rut of living for the exciting, the unusual, or “activity.”
The quote at the beginning of this post sums it up. Every day is important. Each day is another opportunity to invest in our kids; to do the mundane excellently; to live life with them; to model Christian living; to point them to God; to teach them the character of Christ; to help them learn to live relationally with each other and those they encounter in work, school, church, and play.
When we wake up with nothing exciting on the schedule, rather than looking at it as being a “bum” day, we should welcome a day without “extras”—as more time, more opportunity, more relationship, more love, and more training. An unfilled day (as far as “unusual” or “extras”—most days are pretty full already!) is really a wide open day. It is a day to pay special attention to our children, our home, our spouse, and others that God has put in our lives. Truly, there is no such thing as an unimportant day when it comes to parenting.
by Donna | Nov 4, 2010
“There is one kind of robber whom the law does not strike at, and who steals what is most precious to men: time.” Napoleon I, Maxims, 1815
Regardless of whether Secretariat’s owner was as successful in her parenting as she was in her horse ownership, the question from yesterday remains: Can it be done? Can a mother (or father) do huge things (hobbies, careers, ministries, anything can become “huge”) that require so much time away from home (as in seventy to a hundred hours a week or gone away from home for weeks or months at a time) and still be available for her children during their formative years?
We were faced with a similar dilemma about a dozen years ago—though not nearly as huge as working/living in another state part time for four years as the family in the movie appeared to be faced with. Ray’s job as a plant manager was unbelievable. He always worked sixty hours every week—and sometimes worked seventy or eighty hours (with occasional hundred hour weeks during problem times). We arranged our family life around his work—and made it doable during the older children’s childhood. However, now we had a fifteen year old and a twelve year old—and Mom as the primary teacher/child trainer twelve to fifteen hours a day with Dad’s teaching and input for an hour in the morning and a couple of hours in the evenings and Saturday nights and Sundays just wasn’t going to result in the family life we desired for our teens.
We made a tough decision to have Ray leave his career and take a “normal” eight to five job as a middle manager in a small plant. It resulted in a thirty percent salary cut (without even considering large bonuses that were possibilities with his former position). It meant giving up a brand new company car, company phones, and a huge house that we (especially me!) loved. And yet, it had to be done.
We have lived in our little house for a dozen years now—and still drive old, unappealing vehicles. We are, however, rich in books, learning, love, education, family times, spiritual training, character development, and relationships.
Obviously, not everybody will need to switch careers in order to be the Christian parent he or she needs to be at certain ages in his or her children’s lives. That is not the point. The point is…are we willing? Will we examine our lifestyle, our time, our money, our efforts, our hobbies, our “things”—in order to see if they are consistent with what we want, what God wants—or even with what we say we want?
So many good things have come from our decision to leave Ray’s demanding career: strong, close family relationships; Ray’s huge involvement in the raising of our teens; the ability to be with our children in their areas of interest—formerly speech and debate and currently drama and disability ministry; the starting of our publishing company and family ministry several years ago; unspoiled children who have had to work hard for things; an amazing marriage because I get so much time and attention; and much more.
Our children’s years at home (especially the relationship-intense ones from about ten to twenty) are short, really. We can do “big” things, like have successful, consuming careers; make lots of money; and more when our kids are grown (if we choose to). But our kids will only be at home for these years. How much are you being called to give up to be the effective, available parent you need to be? It might be something as small as a hobby or time-intensive friendship. It might be something as big as a career and large home. Listen to that still, small voice and heed its direction. You will not be sorry you did!
by Donna | Nov 3, 2010
We recently watched Disney’s wonderful new movie, “Secretariat.” Such a great movie—well done, superbly-acted, exciting, and, at times, heart-wrenching. The last few moments of the movie left us spell-bound. The ending just made you want to stand and cheer right there in the movie theatre!
However, there were some extremely bothersome points in the movie—some that our teen sons brought up on the way home without us even mentioning them. There were some little things that bugged me as a Christian parent—emphasis on winning over relationships; animals before people; the parents’ lack of knowledge about their teenage daughters’ activities, and more.
But most importantly, and for the subject of today’s blog post, I was bothered by the mother’s preoccupation with the ranch and the horse over her duties as a parent (and wife) to four children, who were approximately ages eight through fourteen when she first began working with “Big Red.” (The entire process, from her acquiring the horse to its Triple Crown winning, was about four years—which is the time period the movie followed. Of course, he went on to win many, many more races after that.)
Now, keep in mind that the movie was about the horse, so it could be that Mrs. Tweedy wasn’t so much more devoted to the horse and ranch (which was located in another state away from her family home) than she was to her family—but the movie focused on her involvement with the equine, so perhaps she was doing both things well. However, there were many points in which she seemed indifferent to her husband and children and completely enamored with her “hobby” (albeit, multi-million dollar one).
During the four year period in which she groomed “Secretariat” to become the champion he did, Mrs. Tweedy was portrayed as ignoring her family, not coming home for weeks at a time (the horse was an airplane flight away from her family) when her husband and children needed for her to, not knowing that her daughter was becoming a “hippie,” missing her children’s activities, etc. This leads me to a question I would like to discuss on this blog—and get our readers thinking about.
Is it possible to do something so big, so involved, so consuming during our children’s formative years and still be an effective, available Christian mom (or even dad)? I think of people who are extremely successful actors or actresses, CEO’s, political leaders, and others who average seventy to eighty work hours each week. How can they parent too?
Sure, if we make enough money, we can hire drivers, maids, housecleaners, errand runners, cooks, and more. We can even hire nannies and babysitters. But we can’t hire parents—no matter how much money we make.
Stay with us…don’t tune us out, please! Join us tomorrow for another discussion of this topic. As Christian parents, we all truly need to evaluate our availability to our children.
by Donna | Nov 2, 2010
Children are never perfect–and I do not want to paint a picture that is unrealistic. Ray wouldn’t have to tell me that we are “getting the behavior that we want” if our children were perfect! (Boy, I really don’t like it when he says that!)
I have heard people say, “I just wish my kids were perfect, like the Duggar kids seem to be on television.” Well, I’ve never seen the Duggars on television, though I met Mrs. when we spoke at the same conference several years ago, but I can assure you that even the Duggar children are not perfect. I am sure that they go through the same pressures and misgivings in their child training as the rest of us do. Again, however, their joys are multiplied many times over when their training and heart-teaching are effective.
For me, it isn’t so much that I want perfect children (I mean, we all want everything to be perfect, right?) as much as it is that I want to be obedient to the parenting that God has called me to. I know that Mom’s and Dad’s obedience in our family will yield the greatest fruit in the lives of our children.
Many nights, I go to bed weary and worried. How will we help our young adult daughter through the difficult time she is having? How can we turn a bad attitude around? Is a recent trend in one of the kids indicative of something much worse? I wouldn’t be obeying God if I didn’t at least think about the negative character of our children as part of my obeying God is watching out for the negative character and working, with the Lord and the child, to improve it.
Even the most disciplined parents have problems. We are not guaranteed perfect children even if we do discipline and love consistently. However, the alternative that we see in the world–joyless, problem-saturated homes–is enough to keep me moving ahead in what I know the Lord has shown us.
by Donna | Nov 2, 2010
People often gasp when we tell them we have seven children. “Seven children? I can’t make the two I do have listen to me, much less seven of them.”
To which I reply, “Well, we didn’t get them all at the same time. We had time to get used to and teach one before another one arrived.”
It is often assumed that because we have seven children, we have seven times the amount of disobedience, disrespect, and discontentment that someone with one poorly disciplined child has.
First of all, it doesn’t matter if you have one, seven, or twelve children; if they are disobedient and disrespectful, it still brings heartache to the mother and shame to the father, according to the Bible.
Secondly, when you begin disciplining your children effectively from the beginning, or at least with the first two or three children in the case of a large family, it has far-reaching effects to your younger children. You set a standard for behavior in the older ones that has the potential to trickle down to the younger ones, assuming the older ones interact with the younger ones and the entire family spends a lot of time together. We actually have had to punish our ten and thirteen year old sons (our fifth and sixth children) about twenty-five percent of the amount that we had to punish our second child, who is now one of the most selfless young adults I have ever met. Of course, she wasn’t selfless at ages two and three!
(Note: I am referring to punishment here; training and consequences have definitely been more extensive with our younger boys than with the girls. Gotta love three cooperative, diligent, responsible girls in a row!)
Thirdly, yes, there is the potential for seven times the amount of heartache for parents of seven children as there is for parents of one child, but there is also the potential for seven times the amount of joy. We have chosen to focus on biblical, effective discipline so that the potential for those joyful, loving, less problematic times is increased exponentially.
Reprinted from Training for Triumph newsletter @ 2005
by Donna | Oct 29, 2010
I have been talking about praising your children with character names and terms. Yesterday I shared 100 Character Qualities and Defintitions. Below you will find links to some character training sites–many with qualities, definitions, Scriptures, etc. and some with action steps to help you teach character.
49 Character Qualities with Definitions and Action Steps: https://www.charactercincinnati.org/qualitieslisting.html
Character That Counts–100 qualities, definitions, character ministry and materials— https://www.characterthatcounts.org/hundredpluscharqualnew.html
Character Qualities for Leaders–with questions and verses: https://www.eagleflight.org/Pastor/harvest_qualities.html
Dozens of character qualities with links to dictionary defintitions–cool site~! https://cte.jhu.edu/techacademy/web/2000/kochan/charactertraits.html
Teaching character in the home: https://www.conquering-stressful-family-hurdles.com/character-traits.html
