by Donna | Aug 24, 2013
A is for AFFIRMATION!
I LOVE TO WATCH YOU…
Article from blog:
Affirmation. Words of encouragement. Words of praise. Words of confirmation. Words of affection. Words of pride. Words of belonging. These all describe that one word–affirmation.
I recently read an article about a study of hundreds of college athletes that lasted over three decades. In this article, “What Makes a Nightmare Sports Parent and What Makes a Great One.” these college athletes described two things that are poignant for parents of all children, including non-athletes.
The first question they answered was “What is your worst memory from playing youth and high school sports?”
The majority of those surveyed said, “The ride home from games with my parents.”
(If you have read much of what we have written or heard us speak often, you know that we focus on riding with our children in the van or car as one of the key opportunities to teach, affirm, talk, love, and train. It breaks my heart that this “sacred time” is remembered as one of the most dreadful times for these hundreds of athletes.)
Of course, we can all imagine why–because there probably isn’t a parent reading this (author included) who hasn’t come down on a child on the drive home from something about his performance–teacher conferences, speech contest, debate tournament, soccer game, swim meet, even pick-up basketball games are all opportunities to “teach” our child what he did “wrong” in the aforementioned event.
My husband, who is truly the best dad I know, one who talks to his kids on the phone and in person quite literally hours every day, even does this, so I know it is hard to conquer. And it isn’t always the parent’s fault either–as I know our kids usually probe on the way home from a performance, sermon, or song. They ask us questions that make us feel like we should be “teaching” at that time.
However, we really need to resist the urge to teach at that time. My experience has been that they ask and ask, but they really don’t want a lesson. They really just want to hear the positive at that time. I have to remind myself that there will be time for teaching and lessons later–when the performance, sermon, or song isn’t so fresh.
The study went on to prove this point further by telling how the kids described their joy over grandparents attending their sporting events. It seems that grandparents are more likely to watch, cheer, and then praise–with no lessons or strings attached.
Turning from the negative and what not-to-do, to the positive, these same athletes were asked what their parents did right–what made them feel good about themselves and their performances. The majority of them said that they were filled with joy when their parents simply said six little words:
“I love to watch you play.”
No lessons, lectures, or analyses. Just six simple words that made hundreds of college and professional athletes look back on their time following sporting events with their parents fondly.
And six little words that we can use to affirm our children all the time.
I was happy to read this article because one of my favorite buzz lines after my kids perform is
I could watch you _________________ forever.
I could watch you dance forever. I could watch you sing forever. I could watch you preach forever. I could watch you teach forever. I could watch you act forever. I could watch you direct forever. I could watch you lead forever. I could watch you play forever. I could watch you study forever.
The thing about these lines—I love to watch you…. or I could watch you ….. forever—is that our child doesn’t have to be the best to say these things. He doesn’t have to have just played a perfect game. He doesn’t have to have just scored the winning run. He doesn’t have to have given a flawless performance.
He is our child. We love to watch him grow, do, be, become. We are saying that the child is so amazing to us–without being the gold medal winner. We are saying that he is important. That we want to be with him. That we love to watch him do what he loves to do.
We are affirming. With six little words.
I love to watch you….
Link for original article:
https://characterinkblog.com/i-love-to-watch-you/
A is for AFFIRMATION!
by Donna | Aug 5, 2013
It has been important to us in our child training that we understand (or at least try to understand!) the difference between foolishness (willfulness) and childishness (underdeveloped character). The differences between these two types of behaviors in children are crucial in disciplining properly. This is truly one of the biggest mistakes that we see parents make. For example:
(1) A child who spilled his milk at the table is disciplined in the same manner as he was earlier in the day when he struck his brother
(2) A child who forgot to shut the door and the dog got in the house is disciplined in the same manner as he was when he talked back to his mother
(3) A child who didn’t thoroughly clean his room is disciplined in the same manner as he was earlier when he lied to his dad about using one of this tools
In our child training, Ray and I have tried to determine whether a behavior was rebellion against us (as in outright disobedience or disrespect) or childishness (as in forgetfulness, procrastination, sloppiness, etc.):
1. Foolishness
a. Rebellion
b. Disobedience
c. Disrespect
d. Lying
2. Childishness
a. Undeveloped or underdeveloped character
b. Forgetfulness, procrastination, irresponsibility, etc.
c. May turn into “foolishness” if left unattended
We do this because disobedience requires biblical discipline whereas childishness requires the second aspect of child training we have used: reality discipline (or consequences).
I like what an attendee at a recent seminar told us that she heard about this topic: Punishment is only for the Four D’s:
1. Disobedience (i.e. not forgetfulness or overlooking routine at first)
2. Disrespect (i.e. direct disrespect to parents or those in authority–not disagreeing with you respectfully or having their own thoughts!)
3. Deceit (lying, stealing, telling half truths, etc.)
4. Destruction (purposely hurting things or people)
Which Behavior Is This?
Discerning between disobedience and childishness can be so difficult! Even after nearly thirty-one years of parenting, Ray and I still continuously ask each other which behavior a child is displaying.
Difficult or not, we must do it. The Bible says that we are not to exasperate our children. Two sure ways to exasperate them are to punish incorrectly, as in anger, etc., and to punish something as disobedience, when we should be training through consequences.
All parents are faced with this. A child dawdles when we call him to come get ready for bed, and we wonder whether this is just childishness or if it is real disobedience. When our son leaves the dog out of the kennel for the third night in a row, and the pooch potties on the new carpet, we ask ourselves if our little guy is disobeying or forgetting.
In a nutshell , if a child is disobedient, disrespectful, or rebellious, we have a heart issue—and a serious discipline problem that needs handled in a serious manner—and quickly. That is, the Four D’s need punishment/chastisement, not consequences or reality discipline.
If a child is forgetful, slow, unreliable, etc. (especially a younger child), it is usually childishness—and we can “train” that undeveloped or underdeveloped childishness out of a child through consequences and reality discipline.
Besides disciplining these two types of behaviors correctly, we also need to watch our response to these behaviors. Simply put, not putting the hose back in the garage after the child watered the garden should not be met with the same response by the parent as lying about putting the hose back in the garage!
It is like responding to a child’s red streak in her hair in the same way as we do if that child uses God’s name in vain. There is simply no comparison. And the same should be true in our response to childishness vs one of the Four D’s.
For more information on this, please check out Discipline at our blog–or host a Raising Kids With Character seminar in your church or parenting group or homeschooling group. (Our RKWC seminar is a Christian parenting seminar for all Christian parents as opposed to our homeschooling workshops that we do for homeschool groups. All parents, homeschooling or not, can benefit from Raising Kids With Character!)
by Donna | Jun 25, 2013
Thirty-three years ago this fall, my husband and I (he, a twenty year old college junior and I, a seventeen year old high school senior) went looking for a church to get married in the next summer only to find two crucial things in our lives: salvation and mentors. In short, we found the church we wanted to get married in (a little white, country church with a CENTER aisle), got born again, and discovered the joy of mentors in our lives.
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| New Lisbon Christian Church, Union City, IN (pic taken 2013 when we visited it for our anniversary) |
For the next year prior to marriage, as well as in our first several years of marriage and child-bearing, we had three couples in our lives who helped us grow in our faith, showed us how to live the Christian life, and even taught us how to get along with each other at times! These couples were ten, twenty, and thirty years older than we–they were adults who had been “doing the stuff” of Christianity for many years. They took us under their wings and helped us grow in the faith.
Several years later, we moved away from the safety of our hometown nest, but we continued to find mentors. Some of these we saw only once a year or so. Others were close friends whom we did life with, had children with, and homeschooled with. Still others were “distant mentors”–those people whom you may or may not ever meet, but they impact you through their writing, speaking, and teaching–and you realize one day after many, many years, that your life would have been completely different (probably not for the best) if you had not “met” these mentors.
So when our children entered their teen years, we weren’t interested so much in peer or even “a few years older than our kids” mentors for them. We wanted them to have what we had, had. We already knew that our kids’ first–and longest-lasting–mentors would be us. We would make
the hard choices to give up other things to mentor and disciple our kids.
Then the older kids started to grow up and find mentors of their own–adults who had been doing the very things our kids wanted to do with their lives. And it was glorious to watch them have adults in their lives to show them things that we couldn’t show them or hadn’t experienced ourselves.
Our oldest child spent two school years (his high school senior year and his college freshman year interning at two different state capitols. His mentors were professionals, but he learned a lot and grew as a public servant during this time.
Our next two kids, two daughters who both wanted to go into ministry (one as a missionary and eventually a college professor of theology and/or church history and one as a disability ministry director) found an amazing mentor in our associate pastor who directed a two year ministry school at our church and oversaw the girls’ ministries. We credit him for our dyslexic daughter’s confidence to go all the way to a doctorate program (he told her countless times that with her skills and intelligence, she should never shoot for anything short of a doctorate degree in order to serve God fully with her whole self).
We also credit him with our other daughter’s successful disability ministry that she founded while still in high school under his mentoring/college program. When that daughter came to him after she had served at Joni and Friends and talked to Joni Ereckson Tada about her desire to serve the disabled (Joni told her to go home, talk to her pastor, and do it!), he led her through the correct channels to make it happen and oversaw and encouraged her every step of the way.
Our fourth child, third daughter, got involved in a drama ministry, The Academy of Arts in Greenville, SC, while she was still in high school. Before we knew it, she was being mentored and encouraged by the founder’s daughter and her husband (the current directors of the program) and spent three years interning there under that couple.To this day, every word that couple speaks to our daughter is like a balm to her soul, encouraging and deepening her in faith and in utilizing her giftings.
Here we are with our fifth child (second boy, age 20) and sixth child (third boy, age 18) who both found themselves in our new church’s praise team after a couple of months of attendance at this church. We, after only six months, are already seeing them encouraged by the worship pastor week after week and watched their ministry skills grow in the process.
Now you can see a glimpse into why adults mentoring our kids has been so important to us. We grew in leaps and bounds spiritually thanks to many people who saw potential in us, believed in us, and helped us grow into the parents, family ministers, and spouses that we are today. We wanted that same type of grown-up mentoring for our own kids.
Peer mentoring and encouragement is fine. Single young adults just a few years older than our kids themselves is also helpful to many. But for our kids to have grown, successful, dedicated adults take an interest in them and invest them has been absolutely priceless.
Recently, the aforementioned twenty year old who is a junior studying pastoral ministry came home from his first meeting with our preaching pastor bubbling over with excitement. He spent an hour recounting everything that he and the pastor said during their time together. I, too, was excited about his excitement, but my heart warmed most of all when Jonathan told me the question our pastor asked him: “Jonathan, how can I, as your pastor, help you become the pastor you want to be?”
by Donna | Apr 17, 2013
I am an experiential writer. I like to write and speak about things only after I have experienced them for myself for a while. I have had the writing/speaking bug ever since our first born (now thirty) was two years old, and I headed up our children’s church department and taught teachers how to teach, manage the group, etc. (based on my credentials as an elementary education major). However, it wasn’t until I had homeschooled for many years, raised a few babies and toddlers, managed a busy household for a decade and a half, etc. , that I felt ready to talk to others about those things. As a learner, I also like to learn from those who have “been there” and “came out to tell about it”! Smile…
My husband and I began talking about raising and homeschooling teens about eight years ago–when our first born was twenty-two. Now I have seven children ages fourteen through thirty–three of whom are in college and living at home. Guess what? I am more than ready to tell the world what I have learned and continue to learn about raising/discipling teens and young adults in this heart-affecting way that we have chosen to live. If there are even a few things that we have found to work, I want to spread that vital info from shore to shore and sea to sea (okay, that’s a little dramatic, but have you ever had seven kids ages fourteen to thirty at various critical stages of life–let me tell you, it’s more than a little dramatic!).
So…with deep affection and emotion, I bring you a few things that we KNOW teens and young adults need from us as parents:
1. Safe place to talk
They need to know that it is safe to tell you whatever is going on in their hearts and lives. They need to know that you won’t completely freak out (even if you don’t agree)–and that you will love them regardless of what they say in these talks. Our oldest son and daughter (30 and 27) were raised in a pretty strict home. We had rules that did not have logical reasons (see our teen posts for Recipe for Rebellion beginning here: https://characterinkblog.com/day-sixty-eight-avoid-the-recipe-for-rebellion-ingredient-i-rules-without-reason/). We were oftentimes lost, exhausted caring for small children and emotionally drained trying to help young teenagers find their way. However, our son told us that he never wanted turn away from us–in spite of our many faults–because no matter what we made him do, wear, or say, we always gave him “intellectual freedom”–freedom to believe and think for himself (with our guidance but not with an iron fist). Fourteen to twenty-four year olds need a safe place to talk that should be found in their parents.
2. Availability
Are you tired of hearing me talk about this yet? One of the most unfortunate things to me in the whole “teen” thing is that parents sometimes think that they are done or at least almost done long before we really should be done. I have often said, and continue to believe, that children between the ages of sixteen and twenty need their parents more than ever. Why would we work so hard to instill in them our beliefs, to teach them character, to raise them with love and tenderness–just to leave them to peers alone during these ages? They need us. And they need for us to be available when they need us. For some of us, this means not going to our own things (shopping, golf, and, gasp, ballroom dancing) many a Saturday for much longer than we originally thought we would have to give up those things. Parents of teens and young adults–you are not done! There are still some more critical years to make yourself available to these amazing people in your life.
3. Time
This might seem like a repeat of number two, but it really isn’t. Yes, we need to clear our schedules not just to watch them play baseball or go to their concerts; we need to clear our schedules to provide times of availability. We also need to understand the amount of time that these ages take. We have had two of our kids get married so far. The amount of time that it took to counsel them, have fun and plan with them, encourage them, and help prepare them was probably more than my many long days of teaching that child to read or working on chores together! We have three college kids at home right now. They need the “normal” time things–help with college math, reviewing class schedules and seeing how they can squeeze in something that is only offered at a certain time during a certain semester, help changing a tire, and the “as-only-Mom-can-do” edits on their big papers. But they need long periods of time for #1 (safe talking place) and long periods of time of just being there—when they feel friend-less, when the stress of going to college and working is taking its toll on them, when they have a broken heart, when they are questioning something that they have always believed to be true, when they are disillusioned with people and this world….time….and lots of it.
4. To Be Treated Like Adults
If you have been to our parenting seminars or read our parenting book (The Well-Trained Heart), you have likely heard us emphasize the strong link between responsibility and privileges. This point, to be treated like adults, is not to de-emphasize that. We believe that children (and adults!) who show themselves responsible and mature get more and more privileges (hmmm…parable of the talents????). However, many of us treat our sixteen year olds like little kids–micromanaging their school work and homework, following them around to check on each step of their chores, not “expanding the boundaries” of responsibility/privilege in a way that is commensurate with the responsibility and maturity level they are showing. If your teens are still working on that whole responsibility thing and really aren’t ready to have the boundaries widened like you had hoped they would be, at the very least, don’t continue to treat them like little kids in other areas. Give them opportunities to please you and do good things. Set them up for success so that you can expand their boundaries and treat them more adult-like. Quit giving them money for nonsense and toys that keep them playing all the time, and instead provide them with tools–books, computer for school, gas cards, work desk, handy tools, car wash passes, and even fast food gift certificates so that when they are out doing those adult things, they can get gas and a bite to eat. Stop giving them video games, ipods, and individual sports things that twelve and fourteen year olds want/get. Talk to them like adults–don’t ask them where they are going or what they are doing in an accusatory way, but ask them in the same way you would ask your spouse–in order to determine the schedule and plan for family time. Say, “When will you be home from class–I was hoping we would have some talk time tonight” not “And what time will you be rolling in tonight?” I have so much more to say about treating our teens and young adults like adults, and I will try to address this even more as Ray and I are speaking about some teen topics this summer at some conferences, but I will leave you with this word of advice: The tone in which you speak to your kids tells them right away whether they are being treated in a condescending, child-like way or an adult way. Tone is where I would start.
That’s all for today. I am crying as I finish this article. I have had a couple of weeks of intense parenting of teens and young adults. I truly have the most amazing eighteen, twenty, and twenty-two year old living in my home right now. But their hearts are vulnerable, and they are facing a big scary world. And they need me and Ray to help them finish becoming who and what they are going to become. The needs are so much bigger than getting them to finish their peas and pick up their toys.
Our teens and young adults need us! They need our support. They need our advice. They need our encouragement. They need our faith in them. They need our time. They need for us to be available to them. They need for us to treat them with respect. They need us.
by Donna | Feb 15, 2013
We understand that you were nervous, afraid of the unknown and possible hurt…for Mom and Dad were afraid one day too.
We understand that once the answer was yes, you were giddy and seeing stars…for Mom and Dad are often giddy and seeing stars too.
We understand that as you got to know each other, you needed to talk for hours and hours…for Mom and Dad need to talk for hours and hours too.
We understand that as your love has deepened, the days between your time together have felt like forever…for when Mom and Dad have time apart, it feels like forever too.
We understand that you can hardly wait for the next time you get to spend time together…for Mom and Dad can hardly wait for the next time we get to spend time together too.
We understand that you need to hear each other’s voices, to have the restlessness in your souls calmed…for Mom and Dad calm each other’s restless souls too.
We understand that you just want to laugh, to sing, to play–and you need to do these things together…for Mom and Dad need to laugh and sing and play together too.
We understand that you await words of affirmation and love from each other every day…for Mom and Dad await those words from each other every day too.
We understand that you want to dream together of the future–think, talk, scheme, and hope…for Mom and Dad dream together too.
We understand that you think nobody else in the world feels like you do–that nobody else could possibly hold the love and feelings that you are holding…for Mom and Dad think that we are the only ones too.
We understand that you need more minutes, more hours, more days, more weeks to be together…for Mom and Dad need more time too.
We understand that you long for the day when you will not be apart, the day that your lives are joined as one and you no longer have separate lives….for Mom and Dad longed for that day for us too.
We understand that you wake up in the morning thinking of your love–and that is the last thought you have before you sleep…for Mom and Dad think of each other morning and night too.
We understand all of these things…we haven’t forgotten. We understand….we understand that you are in love….for Mom and Dad are in love too.
by Donna | Feb 14, 2013
When we had Valentine’s parties (or any “holiday” party) with our kids, we always did it a few days after the holiday—so we could get the candy and treats for 50-75% off! So…if you are reading this after the “real” holiday, it really isn’t too late to have a party with your kids for Valentine’s Day!
One of the things that we tried to do with our kids for celebrations (or just “anytime parties”) is that we tried to go out of our way to make being with Mom, Dad, and brothers, and sisters cool. Our kids see us go to great lengths to prepare for a Sunday school class party, Mary Kay party, or extended family party. We put thought and effort into having “parties” with our kids—so they wanted to stay home and party with their family–and so that they would know that they are as important (more so!) than the Sunday school class, the gals at the make up party, or the reunion.
We have fond memories of communion nights, footwashings, Valentine parties, Easter celebrations, fondue parties, “flat top grill” parties, and more with our children. Being in our family was just plain fun and way cool! Some times we would just announce to the kids that “tonight, we’re having a movie party” or “tonight, we’re having a chocolate party” or “tonight, we’re having a game party.”
It may have been as simple as frozen pizza and a movie or as elaborate as a fondue meal that Mom and the littles spent the afternoon preparing for. It may have been for a holiday (after the holiday!) or just because we wanted our kids to stay home with us on a Saturday night instead of running around with friends. (We’re not opposed to friends, but the more time we spent with our kids the more WE would influence them rather than peers influencing them.)
I will list some ideas for a homemade Valentine’s Party—some that we have done and some that I have read about or heard of.
1. Write love notes to each other. Okay..I can write this one without crying…I really can. Some of my fondest memories are the times that we sat down and had the kids write notes to each other. Okay…forget the not crying thing. Talk about incredibly sweet and memory-imbedding! We drew names and sat down and listened to the true Valentine’s story on cassette (Adventures in Odyssey) and wrote love notes to each other. I still have some of them! We had the little kids dictate to us. One of the funniest ones: one of the little boys wrote, “Dear Kayla, I love you so much because you have skinny arms.”
2. Have fun foods! This is especially important as your kids get older. After all, what do they have when they go out with friends or to youth group? Pizza, Taco Bell, mall snacks. As our kids got older, we got more elaborate with our party foods. When the two oldest girls were college age and crazy about Flat Top Grill when it first opened in Fort Wayne, one of our Valentine’s parties was a flat top grill night. (It was tons of work to prepare for, but the older kids loved this!) We had meats, veggies, and pita breads all ready—and had griddles and electric skillets all set up on the table. It was quite the feast!
3. Do something for others. Preparing Valentine’s cookie baskets or bath baskets for nursing home residents, etc. is a great way to spend a party—and helps others too.
4. Wait until after the holiday to have your party, so you can get some cool party treats for fifty to seventy-five percent off! With seven children, buying elaborate Easter baskets or Valentine’s hearts was usually out of the question. However, after the holiday, we could go get things for a lot less and still give them special treats.
5. Spend your Valentine’s Day showing love to those less fortunate. For the past several years, we have spent time on or around Valentine’s Day serving a Valentine’s banquet (and sometimes cooking it or helping to cook it) for adults with cognitive disabilities through our daughter’s disability ministry (One Heart). We often do things to prepare for it (cookie making, set up, preparing a special drama, etc.) then serve at it. Valentine’s Day is about love…and what better way to show love than to live out Luke fourteen.
6. Get a special movie, audio, or talking books to listen to or watch together for your Valentine’s party. We love Adventures in Oddysey and other radio dramas put out by Focus on the Family; the Christian bookstore (and Hallmark) have some good movies about unconditional love, etc. that are appropriate for this holiday.
7. Write various verses about love on large hearts cut of construction paper, cut each one in half in various zig-zags, mix them up, and pass out a half a heart to each person. That person then finds his other half, reads, the verse, and discusses it with the family.
8. Sing Scripture songs about love. Once we had piano players around here, we loved to gather around the piano and sing. None of us is too musical (except the two pianists), but we all loved it anyway.
Party with your kids—and make them want to stay home more!
