Handling Heart Behaviors (4 D Behaviors) of Tweens
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First Two Steps in Addressing All Heart/4 D Behaviors of Tweens
(1) First—for all—ask forgiveness and admit your mistakes/lack of strong parenting in the area
(2) Look at each situation and ask yourself how you can take this behavior/situation from GRAY to BLACK & WHITE
General “Next Steps”: Meet/Plan With Spouse and Child (or Spouse First Then the Three of You)
1. What will now be unacceptable? Make a list.
2. Choose Signaling Words and Phrases
3. Determine What Appropriate Response From Child Will Be
4. Determine Consequences
a. What They Are Going to Be (list)
b. When the Consequences Will Be (after a warning, after Dad gets home, that evening, etc.)
DISRESPECT: Disrespectful tone, words, and actions
~Always start with apology and deciding how situation can go from gray to black and white
1. Make unacceptable behavior list.
2. Make consequence list including when and how they will be implemented.
3. Signaling words and phrases:
a. “Those are not respectful words. Do you want to re-word that?” OR
b. “That is not a respectful tone. Do you want to say that differently?”
4. Decide on acceptable response from the child (no other words allowed or it is black and white disobedience):
a. “Yes, Mom……”
b. “Yes, Ma’am….”
c. “Yes, Dad….”
5. Two choices
a. Go on if child became respectful after this interchange
b. Announce “You have chosen to be disrespectful even after warning. We will institute a consequence from the consequence list tonight.”
DISOBEDIENCE: Implement the NO RESPONSE RULE
~Always start with apology and deciding how situation can go from gray to black and white
1. Make unacceptable behavior list. (Use Disobedience Math list from here.)
2. Make consequence list including when and how they will be implemented.
3. Signaling words and phrases: “We are following the No Response Rule. What did you mean to say since you can’t respond?”
4. Decide on acceptable response from the child (no other words allowed or it is black and white disobedience):
a. “Yes, Mom……”
b. “Yes, Ma’am….”
c. “Yes, Dad….”
5. Two choices
a. Go on if child obeyed at this point. OR
b. Announce “You have chosen to continue to respond even though we are following the No Response Rule. We will institute a consequence from the consequence list tonight. Go ahead and do what I told you to do.” (Then separate yourself from him, leaving him to CHOOSE again to obey or not obey.)
Note: Child “double disobeyed” if he chose to respond after you warned him AND he still didn’t do what you said. This should be treated like two disobedience. His decision to respond means he disobeyed once. It doesn’t give him the choice to also not do what you said.
Other Disobedience Tips
1. Reduce the number of commands for a while—don’t micromanage while you are trying to get a handle on obedience. It makes child feel that he can never please you.
2. Don’t say no unless you’ll go—only give a command or make a pronouncement if you will really follow up on it. Don’t say it if you don’t mean it!
3. Tell, don’t ask. Asking indicates that the child can choose to obey or not.
a. Tell things that need to be obeyed.
b. Ask things that are optional.
FIGHTING: Using the Accusing Word Signaling Phrase and Apology
(See also Three Tips to Teach Children How to Apologize.)
~Always start with apology and deciding how situation can go from gray to black and white
1. Make unacceptable behavior list.
2. Make consequence list including when and how they will be implemented.
3. Signaling words and phrases:
a. When child says someone did something to him: “No Accusing Words Allowed. Say it peacefully.”
b. Offended child: “Please stop flicking me.”
c. Offender: “I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” OR Continue behavior.
4. If offender continues the behavior, separate him and remind him: “We have the no fighting rule. Since you broke that, we will decide on the consequence tonight.”
Things to Keep in Mind
1. Don’t make consequences the same as forgetting to take the trash out or not cleaning his room. Consequences for 4 D Behaviors should be serious, like the behavior is.
2. Don’t engage with the child once you determine ahead of time the unacceptable behaviors, the consequences, the signaling words and phrases, etc. Make everything as black and white as possible.
3. Don’t work on too many things at one time. Decide on the most important infraction right at the moment and work on that.
4. Spend lots of time with your child building relationship (listen in two weeks!) and rewarding for good things.
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