by Donna | Feb 14, 2012
Teaching Children Empathy on Valentine’s Day
Reprint From 2010 Blogpost
“One heart is worth it all; one life; one family…touched by the love of Christ expressed through a caring church.”
One Heart Disability Ministry
Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to focus on empathy. Empathy is taking love one step further. It is feeling how someone else might feel—and acting on that feeling. The “day of love” is the perfect time to focus on empathy—to add this important dimension to the character training of your children.
One of the things that we never allowed our children to do was to make fun of the weak or the disabled. Calling somebody “retarded” or “crippled,” or some such other name was strictly forbidden. However, we didn’t just not let them speak ill of or make fun of those people, we taught them to show love and compassion to them.
From their earliest years, when we saw somebody who was needy, we would explain to the children that we do not know what that person goes through. That we cannot understand that person’s pain and suffering. And that we should lift those people up, not tear them down.
If you read much of what we have written, you will quickly learn that we feel that one of the most valuable parenting tools that we have at our disposal is that of discussion. This is especially true when it comes to empathy training. We have always discussed people’s hurts with our children (at appropriate ages), and even charged them with the duty of making this world a better place through their Christian love and charity.
All four of our grown children are heavily involved in ministry. Joshua (our first born) and Kara (our fourth born) are involved in ministries to homeschooling families through our family ministry and through the Academy of Arts (teaching Christian drama to youth and children). Our second and third kids are both in full time ministry to the needy. Kayla will be joining the ranks of full time missionary, training other missionaries in HIV care and prevention upon her college graduation in May. Cami is our church’s disability ministry director (One Heart Disability Ministry). She and her husband work tirelessly holding services each week for over a hundred individuals in the Fort Wayne area with cognitive disabilities.
Obviously, if our children felt that they were supposed to work full time in vocational careers, we would be proud of them. We have always wanted them to do what God has called them to do. However, the fact that they are so adept at seeing others’ needs and trying to meet them brings us great joy—regardless of whether that is a full time ministry, part time ministry, or just what they do as Christian adults above and beyond their occupations.
Yes, “How do you think that makes that person feel?” is the beginning of empathy training. Teaching our children to see people’s needs with true compassion is the continuation of that empathy training. (And as an aside, we began “How do you think that makes that person feel?” with their siblings. We always told the kids that if they can learn how to get along with/be kind to their siblings, they can work with anybody in this world!)
We are not programmed to be selfless. We are not programmed to automatically think about others. We are born with a sin nature–a selfish nature. As parents, we have to make a conscious effort to get our children’s thoughts off of themselves—and onto those around them.
Many years ago, when the older children were ten through fourteen, we took a trip to Chicago. We spent a long weekend visiting museums, swimming at our motel, and, of course, talking. We had many opportunities to see those with needs and discuss these situations. Before we left that weekend, we had written a song (amateur poet, here) that described what we saw and felt that we still sing today—and that reminds us to look around us and see the hurting people—and try to find ways to help them.
“I Prayed for You Today”
I prayed for you today, though I didn’t know your name,
I saw a hurting look, so I had to stop and pray.
I prayed for you today, when I saw you on the street,
Playing on your trumpet, for everyone you meet.
(Chorus) I know it doesn’t seem like much, just a simple little prayer.
But I want you to realize there is a God who cares.
I know it doesn’t seem like much, I wish I could do more.
But the very best thing that I can do is take you to the Lord.
I prayed for you today, when I saw you with your cane,
Your yesterdays have flown right by, and now you’re old and lame.
I prayed for you today, when I saw you on your porch,
You looked so sad and lonely, so broken and forlorn.
(Chorus) I know it doesn’t seem like much, just a simple little prayer.
But I want you to realize there is a God who cares.
I know it doesn’t seem like much, I wish I could do more.
But the very best thing that I can do is take you to the Lord.
I prayed for you today, when I saw you with your friends,
Trying to be popular, trying to fit in.
I prayed for you today, when I saw you at the zoo,
Being a daddy all alone is difficult to do.
(Chorus) I know it doesn’t seem like much, just a simple little prayer.
But I want you to realize there is a God who cares.
I know it doesn’t seem like much, I wish I could do more.
But the very best thing that I can do is take you to the Lord.
Empathy doesn’t just happen. Yes, we can say that one child is more tenderhearted than another. We can see leanings towards empathy—as well as leanings towards selfishness—in our children. But empathy is something that we can teach our children—a learned behavior, if you will—that we can instill in them beginning at very young ages, in our homes.
by Donna | Jan 14, 2012
Habit #4: Tie Heart Strings With Your Children Each Day
“Our daily input into our three young adult daughters’ lives is like a continual healing balm to them.”
We can get so caught up in work, teaching, outside demands, and physical needs (feeding and clothing) that we overlook one of the most important things that we should do each day–tie heart strings with our children. Most parents have their children’s attention for eighteen years. Those are years that we can invest in them spiritually and build relationships with them.
It is so easy to get to the end of the day and discover that we have not squeezed our special squeeze, winked our special wink, or hugged our special hug. This is especially true as our children get older and no longer cuddle in our chair with us or have “rockies.”
In addition to the physical closeness that our children need, they also need our verbal affirmation and communication. Ray’s and my daily input into our three young adult daughters’ lives (ages seventeen, twenty, and twenty-one at the time of this original article in 2008) is like a continual healing balm to them. Two of them are heavily involved in demanding ministries–to the disabled and to the Spanish community (no English spoken!). One of them is searching for her place and working hard to prepare for her future. They need to connect with us. They need for us to tell them that we are proud of them and that we support their endeavors. They need for us to hurt with them when they are hurting. They need for us to say, “So, tell me about your day,” and “Give me details!”
Tying daily heart strings is more difficult than simply reading a morning devotional or being sure the laundry is done each day. It isn’t usually in the schedule. It is needed at the most inopportune times. The more you give, the more they seem to need. But it is essential. Our children need to have their heart strings tied to ours so that when the storms of life roll, they will have a safe haven of love and understanding—“Jesus” with arms and words of encouragement on this earth.
If you find that each day ends with no heart strings tied, try this little tip: In the corner of each day on your planner, put a little square. At the end of each day, write the initials of the child that you connected with that day in that little square. Purpose not to end a day without being able to write one sweet child’s initials in a daily square. Each week you can look back over your planner and see who missed out that week. (You know, the squeakiest wheel gets the grease!) Then next week, you will know who needs focused on more.
Or try this tip that I did for years and years when our older children were younger: have a “day” for each child. We milked this day for all it was worth. It was the child’s day to help me with dinner (or fix it herself as she got older); it was the child’s day to do extra chores; it was the child’s day to help teach some of the preschooler’s school. But it was also his day to pick two books for story time, sit in the front seat of the van if we went somewhere, and sit closest to Mom during read alouds. Heart-wise (and often unbeknownst to the child), it was his day to get a longer blessing during blessing time, to have a longer time with Dad at bedtime, and to get extra attention from Mom throughout the day. This is especially helpful for families with several children. Each child needs a day! 🙂
If you only do two things off my “twelve habits,” do Bible/character with your kids and tie heart strings every day. You can always get more organized, exercise, and work on projects later—your kids will be grown someday and these two things are not going to be on your “to do” list for forever.
by Donna | Mar 9, 2011
I have talked about our “Deuteronomy verse” that first told Ray and I that we should teach our kids God’s ways all the time—in all situations. And we blissfully encouraged ourselves with that verse for many, many years in our parenting. Then, for some odd reason, we read the earlier part of the verse—and it hit us between the eyes:
“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up” Deuteronomy 6:5-7 NJKV.
This, coupled with a couple of other verses that I will share in the next few days, practically shouted to us—“Get it together! You can’t give your kids what you do not have!”
This verse showed us that we should love God with everything—then have his commandments (and his ways, his teachings) in our hearts/lives. And THEN teach them to our kids.
No, we did not become perfect. I still mess up! Ray does too (though not as often as I!). But we made it our primary goal to become what we want our kids to be eventually—and God blessed our efforts, imperfections and all.
The kids know that in my heart of hearts (and Ray’s as well) we truly want to live God’s word and God’s ways. They know that we strive to live what we teach. They know we are not perfect—but they trust our motives, intentions, and efforts. And that trust can only be gained from our children as they see us trying to do what we are asking of them.
by Donna | Feb 24, 2011
As much as we teach about parental control in the early years of a child’s life (and child discipline when kids disobey or are disrespectful), we truly believe that Christian parenting needs a foundation of relationship and empathy—and that a parent-controlled home is not incongruous with parenting with relationship and empathy.
As a matter of fact, we believe that once children learn obedience, submission, and respect, the relationship and empathy come easily. Just like we respect, submit to, and obey God as Christians—but love Him like crazy and know that He loves us and understands how we feel, so it can be between children and parents (honest!).
There are many indications in the Bible that parenting should be relational, including some of the same verses we related earlier concerning child discipline.
First of all, the verses we studied concerning when and where character training should take place give us a glimpse into the relational aspects of parenting: “…You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up” (Deuteronomy 6:6 NKJV).
Why do we see this verse as pointing to how relational parenting should be? All of the places and times indicated in that verse for training our children in godliness point to lots of time together and teaching along the way—a very relational way to teach our kids. If we are truly using those times as benchmarks for training our children in God’s ways, we will be relational simply because we will be “doing life” with our kids. I just love the intimate picture that verse paints of the parent-child relationship.
Another verse that we discussed in terms of our responsibility to discipline our children points to the relational aspects of parenting as well: “Fathers do no exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Eph 6:4 NIV).
Yes, this verse tells us to bring our children up in a Christ-centered, Christ-teaching home. But it also tells us (especially fathers) to bring them up in the training of the Lord without exasperating them—without “driving them to wrath” as other versions put it. Truly, we need to teach our kids about the Lord all the time—but our relationship with them should be intimate, caring, and empathetic—the kind of relationship that will keep our children from being exasperated or driven away from us.
Tomorrow—more on how our parenting relationship should be intimate and relational. Thanks for joining us!
by Donna | Feb 4, 2011
“Normal” / Worldly Parenting Character-Focused Parenting
Focuses on me Focuses on Christ and others
Teaches self-indulgence Teaches selflessness
Teaches immediate gratification Teaches longsuffering
Focuses on frivolities Focuses on things of eternal value
Desires to make children happy & comfortable Desires to help children learn to deny themselves
Raises children in a materialistic lifestyle Raises children in a selfless, giving lifestyle
Teaches that others are lower than we are Teaches that others should always be first
Teaches self-sufficiency Teaches that without God, each of us is nothing
Attempts to make child happy Helps children learn contentment in all things
Lives for the next thrill Sees thrills and fun as rewards for hard work and service
Teaches minimalism in work and service Taught to give all—maximum living, work, & service
Encourage children to declare personal rights Encourage children to realize all belongs to God—
and ownership and we are called to give to others
